Kate pushed the door to the apartment with one hand, Nikki, with his head laying on her shoulder, in the other. It had been a while since she'd been there, but as she entered, closing her eyes, she smelled it, home. The place was a little messier than she'd remembered, but she didn't mind the mess now that her mind wasn't the chaos it used to be. This place, her childhood home, it smelled, just right. It felt like home, perfect.
Except better.
The park was peaceful on this particular September afternoon. It was the perfect weather, with the sun surrounded by very few clouds; it was neither too hot, nor too cold, nor too humid. It was just right. The scenery around them was beautiful, the leaves had just started to change color, birds still sang perched on their branches and Nikki squealed as a squirrel scurried past them on the hunt for acorns. It had become their routine, every day. Sun, clouds or rain, it didn't matter, they would be there, outside, she and Nikki. They'd walk and eventually, the boy would fall asleep listening to the wind, or the leaves, or the birds, away from the noise and chaos of the city life.
They'd stay outside as much as possible, just the two of them, both craving the peace. She could never get tired of the wind caressing her skin, the sun kissing it. She even enjoyed feeling the rain dripping down on her body. She felt as though she'd missed out on three years of her life, where she had slept through most of the sun's presence, barely registering as the days flew by. Those were years she would never be getting back. Years were she had fallen in inertia and forgotten to live. Three years where she'd missed out on life, because alcohol, sex and drugs may seem fun at first, but it wasn't actually living. And she wouldn't be missing another moment of it.
She walked, slowly strolling, thinking that maybe she should start running, because she hadn't trained in forever. The detective had been in the shape of her life, she, on the other hand, would probably be out of breath after half a mile. Kate sometimes thought about it, the life she'd envisioned for herself, but just for a second. She always just brushed the thoughts away, in a fleeting moment, because they weren't real, but this was. Her son, he was real.
Kate suddenly halted, she hadn't heard son in a while, lost in her thoughts. She pulled up the hood of the stroller just a little, to make sure he truly was asleep, and he was. His rosy cheek was snuggled up on his baby blanket. She slowly took the binky that had fallen out of his mouth and carefully placed it back. She hated when he woke up screaming for it, it physically pained her. She smiled, content, as she pushed the canopy back down, keeping the sun from waking him up.
Kate spotted an empty bench a couple of meters away, in the shade, and changed the trajectory of the stroller. She loved her son, she absolutely did. Even though he already mostly slept through the night, he woke up at dawn at the latest; she was exhausted. Being a parent, a single parent, to a preemie, was exhausting.
She reached the bench and sat, positioning the stroller so Nicolas would be facing her and she pulled up the hood. Pushing her sunglasses on her head, she watched him. She loved watching him sleep. Sometimes she would sing him a melody from his favorite U2 album, just because she knew he loved it, softly humming it when he'd be on the verge of sleep, but not quite there. She loved watching him sleep, so she did everything she could to get him there. He looked so peaceful, so easy, trusting, a reminder that maybe, she hadn't screwed everything up. That she, in the end, had been lucky it turned out how it had. She placed a hand on his tummy, gently pulling on his shirt so it would fit right and she let her hand linger there, because she treasured the feeling of his belly expanding and deflating, a proof that he was in fact, breathing, alive and well.
Nikki was the evidence that life hadn't ended with her mother's murder; that she could do it. She could be happy again.
She'd come to terms with what really happened, she'd accepted it. But there was something missing, something she wanted back. Something she hadn't talked to her father about, something she hadn't talked to her psychotherapist about. Something she was afraid to learn about its whereabouts.
The piece of her mother she had kept around her neck; Kate couldn't find it. She'd went through her room and even her dad's, but nothing had turned up. She couldn't remember the last time she'd actually seen it, really, after her father had given it to her. She knew it was just a ring, just a material thing, but Detective Beckett had carried it around, comforting, and now she craved its presence around her neck. Just like the man, she craved the ring. She'd once carried two, but now she had none. If she couldn't, no, wouldn't have the man, couldn't have his, then maybe, she could have her mother's.
She jolted up. She couldn't have closed her eyes more than a few seconds, awoken by Nikki, squirming under her palm. His big green eyes open and alert, he was awake. Already.
The idea had been a passing moment, but it had sprouted in her mind long enough to get housed there. Though she hated bringing Nikki along, she had already made up her mind. She needed to see, to search to make sure it wasn't there.
She smiled down on the boy. "Hey Nikki, you want to help mommy go look for granny's ring?" she asked him as she gently tickled his sides.
He squirmed and gave her a big toothless grin, almost granting her a laugh.
"I knew, you'd say that. Always so helpful, my sweet baby boy," she answered as she bent down and kissed his cheek repeatedly.
Getting to her feet, she gently pulled the blanket from the carrier, "Mommy'll just put Blankey in the bag, okay?" Because Blankey was only for sleeping, and she wouldn't have her son dependant on anything, not even a blanket.
She switched out the blanket for the animal themed mobile that had been stashed away in the baby bag, attaching it to the stroller's frame. The toy would keep him occupied, so he wouldn't spit out his pacifier, screaming, demanding to be held just yet. The boy loved being held.
Quickly checking on the boy's diaper before starting to move, Kate approached her face to the boy, exclaiming with a wide smile and exaggerated enthusiasm, "Nikki we're going to take the bus. How exciting!"
The baby threw his arms in the air, flapping his arms and feet, squealing.
"I know, right? We're going on an adventure, baby!"
Kate stepped off the bus and stopped, looking at the rental units. Her dad had stored her stuff there when the landlord to her old apartment had called the cops, worried she hadn't shown up in a while. Her dad had emptied everything out, packing it up and stashing it there. Neither of them had had the courage to sift through it, until then. She fished through her bag and pulled out the key. 117, that was where her stuff was.
She exhaled loudly, pulling to the storage unit door up. She was surprised at how little stuff was actually in there. She stared at it, her life. Before everything, this was everything she'd own, and she couldn't believe it was all of it.
She slowly pushed the stroller in. Her things were piled up in the corner and she smiled, because her dad could have rented a smaller unit, an extremely smaller one. Taking her coat off, she laid it on the floor. Kate hated the fact that Nikki would be stuck in a stroller seat all day, so she unbuckled him and placed him on his belly, on the coat. She gave him a few toys. That way, she'd be feeling less guilty for dragging him there.
She approached the first pile of boxes and shot her head back, giving Nikki a look. He could hardly pull himself up, there was a very slim chance he'd be going anywhere while she had her back to him, but she could never be too careful. She fished the key back from her pocket and cut the tape with it. Pulling the box open, she smiled. On top of the box was a onesie. The one she had bought after finding out Nikki would be a he, the first thing she's bought him. She was suddenly hit by the realisation; it was a onesie he'd never wear.
"Hey Nikki, you see this? It says 'Momma's Boy'. It's what you are, isn't it?" she called out putting the onesie in the air. The baby pulled his head up looking around towards the sound of her voice. "It's the first thing mommy bought for you. We should keep it shouldn't we?"
"Yeah, I agree. We should keep it," she added as she went to the stroller and put it away in the bag.
Kate searched through boxes and boxes of stuff, most of them were clothes, some of them books. When she finally opened the box containing her mother's old Richard Castle book, tracing her fingers over the binding, without ever turning it over, she had thought she was getting closer. She'd emptied the box, sifted through every page of the book in case it had fallen there, but it wasn't there.
When she'd finally been through all the boxes, she slumped to the ground, defeated. She couldn't believe it, as out of it as she'd been, she refused to believe any version of herself would have done anything to her mom's ring. In no world would her mother's ring ever be pawn money to buy her next score, she couldn't believe she'd done it. The ring was somewhere; she just needed to find out exactly where.
She sighed as she unknowingly placed her mother's book in her bag, picking Nikki up and cradling him closely to her chest, needing the comfort of her tiny human.
When Kate got back to her father's place, defeated, it was later than the time she usually came home to. She saw the shoes next to entrance; her dad was already home from work. As she unbuckled her son from the carrier and laid him on the blanket splayed open on the living room floor, she heard him talking.
"Yeah. I gotta go. Kate and Nikki just came back. They are, I promise."
She raised an eyebrow, questioning as her dad came back into the living room, putting his cellphone in his pocket.
It had been an incredibly long day. She was tired, she was exasperated and she was defeated, so she snapped, "It was him again wasn't it?"
She didn't even know why she was mad. At him for keeping it from her? For talking to him? At herself for not asking about him? She couldn't tell.
"Who?" he questioned, feigning innocence. He had actually been waiting for her to mention it.
"Dad, I saw him on the caller ID in the car when we got back from Clairmont."
"Rick?"
"You guys are on a first name, slash nickname, basis?"
"We hung out, Katie. He's lot's of fun."
"My god dad, you're having a bromance with Richard Castle?"
He hadn't expected her to be pissed, though.
"He's a good man, Katie. He cares which is a lot more than I can say for a lot of men you've fallen for."
"Dad, are you kidding me? I can never ever face that man again. Do you have any idea how weird it would be? How awkward?"
"It's not. You'd be good together. I can feel it."
She threw her hands in the air, frustrated, "My dad's having a bromance with the man to which my vividly lucid psychosis had me think I was in a relationship with. The man I was sure I was engaged to. The man I thought I was going to marry. The man I thought I loved. The man I don't even know for god's sake. And he doesn't see the weirdness in it. He's got to be kidding me," she yelled.
And with that she stormed out, like a teenager, slamming the door to her room. Because what if he wasn't the man she had made him to be? She sure as hell wasn't the person she had pictured.
She just didn't think she could take it.
Thoughts? Comments? Complaints?
There is a lot ok Nikki and Kate, but I feel it's just natural there would be... Hope you still enjoy :)