In.
And out.
In.
And out.
Maybe she had overreacted, she just couldn't help it. Damn pills, damn emotions.
With her eyes closed, Kate was concentrating on her breathing; to control her emotions, to take a step back. It was something she and her psychotherapist had worked on. Kate had thought it was stupid at the time; even rolling her eyes at the woman a few times. Really? Like she ever thought she'd be needing it. She was a rock, her wall so thick around her. She'd always had control on how and when she reacted. Not anymore, the meds had her emotions like a roller coaster. She hated it, hated the feelings bubbling up and hated even more not being to hide them from the world.
But at that moment, Kate was concentrating on her breathing, because a breakdown was the last thing she needed. She didn't want to cry; she didn't want to scream. She just needed to keep her feelings in check. So, she concentrated on her breathing.
With a hand posed on her abdomen, she was counting out the seconds of her exhaling breath. The knock at the door that made her lose count and she opened her eyes as she shook her head.
"Katie?"
She brought her hand to her face, and sighed, but didn't move, didn't answer. She stared at the ceiling, watched as the fan turned round and round as if answers would magically appear.
Another knock echoed in her room. "Katie, we're coming in," Jim stated as he slowly pushed on the door.
His daughter only gave him a quick look before continuing her staring contest with the ceiling. She wasn't ready just yet. He leaned on the doorframe and watched her for a moment, his Katie. He wanted to help her so badly; he'd give anything to know the words that would make her feel better. He wanted to help, he wanted to understand. He got how it could be awkward, he'd avoided mentioning him, but her sudden outburst had him worried. He wanted to know what to do.
Patting Nikki's back, he looked around the room. Maybe Kate needed new. She was in the same room she had grown up in. The room his wife and daughter had painted when they were still a normal family, unburdened by loss and pain. The room hadn't been remodeled as the years had passed. It had been that way ever since Katie was 15. It had the same bed spread, the same colors. It had the same furniture safe for the crib in the corner. He'd kept everything unchanged, even after Johanna had passed, even after Kate had fallen off of the wagon. But maybe his daughter needed something new.
Maybe Kate needed a change in scenery; maybe this place brought back too many memories. Maybe they should find another apartment, bigger, with 3 bedrooms, because Nikki couldn't stay in her room forever. Maybe he shouldn't still be sleeping in the bed he had shared with his wife for over 20 years. Maybe, just maybe, they all needed new.
There was a light green rug at the foot of the bed, between it and a dresser. Jim walked to it and placed the baby, now squirming to get free, on it. He sat on the floor beside him, his back against the dresser and called out, "Do you want me to call Dr. Franklin? See if she can fit you in?" Because if he couldn't find the right words, maybe she could. She was trained for this, she'd already helped people through things like this, right?
Kate breathed in and out one last time. There was a silent pause and she rolled her eyes. The stupid breathing thing really did work. Suddenly, she felt bad, because, she shouldn't be taking it out on her dad. She'd been mad about the ring, but it was her own damn fault. She'd lost it. The Rick Castle of it all had just been the oil on the fire that had been her disappointing day. She was mad at herself, not at her father, and certainly not mad at him. She could never be mad at him.
Kate rose up, and moved to the edge of the bed, sitting, with her feet dangling to the floor, "I'm fine, dad. I'm sorry I snapped. I'm sorry I'm being such a brat, because you're great. You're awesome, dad. I don't know what I'd do without you."
He smiled, unknowingly bringing a hand to his chest, his daughter was one tough cookie, "Are you sure Katie? There's nothing wrong with needing help once in a while. You've been through a lot."
"No, it's fine, really," she answered with a smile, as to prove her point.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
She got up from the bed and lowered herself to the floor, sitting diagonally from her father, with her back against the bed. "Not really," the woman answered as she pulled Nikki to her, snuggling him tightly, as if shielding herself from what was about to come.
"He was worried about you. It's just the type of person he is. You still know how to make an impression, dear daughter of mine." He smiled, and though she hid behind her son, Jim could see the makings of a smile behind the light-haired head. He continued, "Okay, so maybe it's weird that Rick and I kind of became friends, but Katie he was there. He's a good person and I needed that."
She sat Nikki between her legs and started playing with his little plastic rattle, avoiding her father's eyes, "I don't think I could deal with him. It hurts just mentioning him. You can hang out with him, I don't mind, I just don't think I ever could," she added, biting at her lower lip.
"Kate… I have no idea what to tell you right now, I can't begin to understand what you've been through. I just don't want you shutting yourself off. You have the habit of overthinking. Just talk to him, tell him you're okay. Tell him thanks. That's all he wants right now."
She continued playing with her son, the boy grabbing and shaking the toy at his own will. When he finally had a good grasp on the toy, Kate looked up, "Dad, you've got no idea how real it felt. I wanted him so bad when I was in the hospital. I needed him. I craved him. Now, I don't think anyone would ever measure up."
"If that's what worries you, Katie, I haven't told him. He doesn't know where you've been, what happened. He certainly doesn't know what's been going on in that gorgeous head of yours. I haven't told him and I never would. It's not my place, Kate."
"I know dad, it's not that. It's just, it's hard."
"So you're giving up? Because the way you describe how you felt… He's-"
"I'm concentrating on me, dad. I'm concentrating on the 2 men in my life. I think that's enough for now. I don't think that's giving up."
"I don't either, except if you're doing it because you're scared, or uncomfortable. Some things are just worth the hassle, Kate."
He watched as she trailed her fingers through Nikki's soft hair as the boy sucked on the rattle he was playing with. She was avoiding his eyes, pensive. Jim laid his head on the dresser, closing his eyes as silence filled the room.
"How is he?" she asked as she trailed her index gently over her son's soft cheek, looking at him intently.
Jim smiled, because they really had been lucky. "He's great Kate, look at him. Nikki's going to be okay. The doctors don't think they'll be permanent damage to his heart. He's catching up to the growth curb, he can almost sit up now. He's doing great, Kate."
She looked at her son and smiled, because he had to become a fighter, a survivor, at a very young age thanks to her misdoings, but it wasn't what she had meant. And he was definitely doing great.
"No, Castle… Rick… How is he?"
"He's fine, Kate. He's fine."
She shook her head; it still wasn't what she meant. "No, I mean, how is he?"
He smiled because maybe there was hope.
"He's kind, he's funny. He can sometimes say the most obnoxious things, but he's a good man. He'd do just about anything for the people he cares about."
She smiled, because that sounded exactly like her Rick.
"Got a little man crush here, dad?" she joked as she arched her eyebrow.
Jim laughed, because he knew her daughter. She was diverting, making this about him, but he knew. There most certainly was hope.
"Kate, we're going to be late! What are you doing?" Jim yelled out.
"I'm coming, just give me a second!"
"Nikki's telling me he'll throw a tantrum if we're late! Maybe even throw up on your shirt a little," he yelled as he winked at his grandson.
"Dad, jeez, we've got plenty of time. And my baby would never throw a tantrum, now would he?" she exclaimed as she came running to the entrance. "The spit up I do believe though!" she added as she kissed Nikki's cheek then her dad's before hurrying to put her sneakers on.
"You know I enjoy watching the pre-game warm up, Kate."
She rolled her eyes. They were still going to be early for the warm-up, way early. They had more than enough time.
"What took so long?" he asked.
Kate smiled incredibly proud of herself. "I was looking for this!" she exclaimed as she pulled out a crumpled cap sticking from the back of her jeans, placing it on her head and pulling her ponytail out the back.
"That old rag? You kept us waiting for that?" he exclaimed as he approached her head and gave a whiff. "It smells!"
"Come on dad, it doesn't smell!"
"Kate it's disgusting! You must have gotten this when you were what 12, 13? And you never took that think off. I can't believe it still fits!"
"Ohh dad! How dare you? You did not just say that. It's signed and it's their good luck charm." Why do you think they've been doing so poorly this season?"
"Okay then, if it's there good luck charm, then I'll allow it."
"Allow it?" she laughed, "Dad, I'm almost 25, I have a kid. I think were past that."
"I'll always be your father, Katie."
"Yes you will," she added gently smacking her lips on his cheek.
The stadium was already crawling with people when they arrived. It was Nikki's first baseball game. Kate had been excited about bringing Nikki; she always loved it as a kid. She knew he was years from being able to understand. She didn't care, he looked adorable in his Yankee's romper and booties. Yup, she had become one of those moms. While her dad too, was excited, it was for an entirely different reason.
They made their way through the party that posed as a parking lot towards the entrane. The line was already long and Jim looked at his daughter, shaking his head. She smiled and rolled her eyes, "Dad, we still have plenty of time."
He sighed loudly, making her smile.
When they finally got to their section, the warm-up had barely begun, but she'd be hearing about it for the next week, no, month. They found their row and huddled, bumping into the knees of people already seated until they could get to their places. Their seat numbers were slowly approaching, and Kate's eyes caught sight of something. Her heart started pounding as she recognized the back of the dark haired man. When the man turned around, her eyes widened, as they met his. She hissed, "Dad?"
Jim smiled widely, "Katie, I hope you don't mind I invited Rick. We've been going to these things together; he's become quite the Yankees fan. I didn't think he'd want to miss the series." He winked at her, "Especially now that they have their lucky cap back in the stands."
From the look Rick was giving her, he was also taken aback. He hadn't expected her to be there. Both of them were frozen, unsure what their next move was going to be.
Kate looked at Rick, then back at her dad, with an expression mixed with anger and fear, lots of fear.
This one's for my mother, that I love, but who's always interfering in my love life.
Thoughts? Complaints? Comments?