He held the door open, smiling as an invitation for her to go in. Alexis had already hung her coat and ran off when finally, Kate stepped in, amazed.
She'd been surprised when they had made their way to an unfamiliar building. She shouldn't be; she tried not to be. She needed to make a clear cut between the reality and her fantasies. She needed to, or else she'd lose the control she desperately needed. She needed to think of them as what they were, fantasies, delusions. If she really wanted them to stand a chance, she needed to dissociate the Castle that had been alive in her head from the one standing before her. She needed to.
She held back a gasp as she entered. Placing the carrier on the floor, she breathed it in. The loft was incredible; wasn't like she'd imagined it, but the place took her breath away nonetheless. The layout, the décor, the colors, everything fit together, perfectly, yet still managed to feel like a home, wasn't the kind of museum condominium where you'd feel bad for moving a cushion. Kate slowly unburdened herself from her coat, looking around, still open-jawed. This was it, really, millionaire Richard Castle's home. And she was there, here.
Rick smiled as he took the coats, hanging them in the entrance closet. Kate kneeled to the ground, freeing the boy from the constraints of the seat and pulling him out, also undressing him of his jacket. She felt Castle brush past her back and head towards the kitchen, shooting his head back towards her, he asked, "So, what do you feel like?"
"Pizza!" screamed Alexis from the living room, head popping from her toy box as she threw her hands in the air and running towards them.
"I know what you feel like, pumpkin, but I was actually asking, Kate. She's our guest, remember?"
"Right. I'm sorry," she quickly said, grabbing the woman's hand and leading her to the kitchen's island where Castle was pulling out the take-out menus.
"Do you like pizza, Kate?" she asked hopefully, swinging their arms, her eyes meeting Kate's.
The woman smiled, "I do, I love pizza."
"I knew it! Everybody loves pizza!" Alexis exclaimed, letting go as she swirled excitedly in the kitchen.
"And I love mine with artichokes, olives and anchovies," Kate added giving Rick a quick wink.
Alexis stopped swirling and looked at her in disgust.
"No," the girl stated.
"No?" asked his father, laughing.
"No." Alexis laughed at her turn as she shook her head. "She's kidding. I can tell," she beamed out, smiling widely.
Kate burst out laughing, "You're right Alexis. What's your favorite kind?"
"Pepperoni!"
"Mine too!"
"With mushrooms."
"With mushrooms!" Kate exclaimed.
"Pizza it is, then," stated Rick. "Salad or fries?"
"Both!" the girl chimed in, both her hands landing noisily on the on the counter, "Because although fries come from potatoes and potatoes come from the ground, they don't really count as a vegetable. And we need vegetables, don't we daddy?"
"Ugh, vegetables," he joked.
"They make us big and strong!"
"You got it, Lex. Salad and fries, then," he stated, pulling out his phone and dialing.
Alexis turned towards Kate, smiling widely and Nikki squirmed in Kate's arms, making her position him on her other hip, getting a better grip.
"Can I hold him?" the girl inquired.
"Sure. If you sit on the couch," she added pointing to the living room.
Alexis ran to the couch and jumped backwards, into a sitting position. Kate followed behind, smiling at the enthusiasm of the girl. Alexis extended her arms and gently, Kate placed her son on her.
"I think he likes me!" she exclaimed as the boy giggled in her arms.
"He sure does, Alexis."
Rick followed closely behind, "Pizza will be here in about 30 minutes. Do you want anything to drink? I make really excellent water, right, Lex?" He had slipped up at the coffee shop, but he didn't know if she knew that he knew. So, he pretended not to notice, but he wasn't about to make the same mistake.
"Right," she stated, clearly not listening.
He frowned, making Kate chuckle, "No, but seriously, I do make some mad lemonade."
Alexis looked up at her father, "He's so cute. Daddy, can we keep him?"
He laughed, "You say that now pumpkin, but, you won't find him as cute when he's screaming his lungs out looking for this one," he tilted his head in Kate's direction.
"We can keep Kate too," she added nonchalantly.
The adults giggled nervously, "I don't think so Alexis," he added.
"Why?"
"Well-"
"Nikki doesn't have a crib here," Kate cut in.
"Oh, right," said the girl, accepting the reasoning.
"They'll come back, Lex, don't worry," he added as he looked at Kate, who smiled in response.
Good.
Kate got up and picked up the dishes and silverware, piling them up in one hand as Castle put the leftover slices in sealed containers. Alexis picked up the glasses and placed them on the counter, beside the sink.
She turned around to Kate, following her, "Kate, do you want to know what my favorite movie is?"
"Sure," she answered as she placed the dishes in the sink.
"Finding Nemo. My dad says he'd do the same for me! Travel the world. Do you want to watch it? You could be Dory."
"Sure sounds like a plan," she laughed uneasily, not sure she understood everything the girl had just said, "Just let me clean this up, I'll come and join you."
"Nonsense, let the boys do the cleaning," he called out, looking over at Nikki, seated in his improvised stroller turned highchair.
"You sure?"
"Go. Entertain my daughter, Dory. Before you forget she's waiting."
"What?"
"You'll see."
"P. Sherman, Wallaby, Sydney! P. Sherman, Wallaby, Sydney!" chanted Alexis as she marched to the TV.
"It's actually a really nice movie," he smiled, "Go. We've got this."
"Thanks," she smiled.
Alexis was seated, cross-legged between piles and piles of movies, looking for the one.
"Do you need any help?" Kate asked before sitting on the couch.
"I've got it!" the girl exclaimed, pulling the movie case out. Alexis put the movie in and grabbed the remote, running towards the couch and jumping in beside Kate. She quickly pressed play, excitedly clapping as the commercials came on.
When the preview for the next Harry Potter started, the girl proudly exclaimed, "I'm reading the third book right now!"
Kate only had time to nod before, Alexis continued, "Do you know my daddy's a writer too? He writes mystery novels. I'll be allowed to read them when I'm 13. Have you read them?"
"I have."
"Are they scary?"
"I wouldn't say scary, but very suspenseful. He's quite talented."
"Don't say that too loudly," whispered the girl and they both chuckled.
"Oh, believe me, he knows," she added subtly looking back towards the kitchen.
"Kate?"
"Yes?"
"What is it that you do?"
The question caught her by surprise and though she knew the girl hadn't asked to make her feel bad, she did. She'd thought about it, before. Saying it out loud though, made her feel like such a failure.
"I… Well, Nikki's still quite young, so for now, I'm just staying with him."
"Oh, that's cool."
The four of them were seated on the couch when the movie ended. Alexis was sandwiched between the two adults, cuddled into Kate's side, sleeping with the woman's arm draped around her, Nikki seated, awake, on Rick. As the ending credits popped up, the girl opened her eyes, disappointed the movie was over, she looked up to her, "Did you like it?"
"I really did, Alexis. Thank you."
"Kate?"
"Humm?"
"Do you like my Daddy?" she asked hopefully.
"Alexis!" he laughed.
"I… Humm.. I… Not as much as I like you, Lex."
"I like you too," mumbled the girl as she straightened up, rubbing her eyes sleepily.
"Bed time, pumpkin."
Alexis lazily got to her feet, "Can you come too, Kate?"
Suddenly, everything was too much, too soon. And she remembered why she'd fought it. No one should have to deal with this, with her. It was going too fast, way too fast. She felt the pressure rise, expectations crushing her windpipe, and she couldn't manage to aspirate the oxygen in, her chest heaving uneasily.
"You… hum… You guys go on. I… I have to go to the bathroom," she muttered as she stumbled up, bumping into the sofa as she grabbed her purse and hurried down the corridor.
"Kate? Everything okay?" she heard him call out, but it didn't slow down her pace.
She closed the door behind her, leaving everything out, the pressure, the expectations. Her back leaning against the door, she frantically searched through her purse, pulling out the bottle of Paxil, the pills she didn't want to need, didn't want to take. Still, she was thankful they were there, waiting. Her fingered frantically played with the cap, unable to calm herself enough to be able to open it, she threw it to wall. Defeated, she breathed loudly, the air trying to enter, tears making their way down her cheeks as her back slide across the door, guiding her to the floor.
This had been a bad idea. It was too much, too much pressure, too much, too soon. She shouldn't have come here, shouldn't have met his daughter. She couldn't do it, because eventually she'd let them down and she couldn't do that to them, do that to her.
Did she have the energy, the strength to love, to care for more than only Nikki and her father right now? She hated feeling like this, insecure and powerless.
It had been much easier when she was a successful cop, youngest to make detective, highest closure rate in the division. But even then, she wasn't so sure she'd deserved him, Richard Castle. More than just the writer; he was a great man, a great father and she didn't deserve that, didn't deserve him. Not now, maybe not ever.
She was a nobody, an ex-junkie, crazy, psychotic. She was so messed up she still lived with her father; they didn't trust her to live alone with her son. She couldn't even support herself. She didn't deserve them.
And more importantly, that little girl, so easily lovable, so trusting, still, undamaged by life, she didn't deserve to get attached. Not when she'd end up disappointing her, because eventually that'd happen.
"Kate?" he called from the other side of the door as he knocked.
"I'm fine," she hurried to answer
"I'm going to put Alexis to bed. Don't leave while I'm up there, okay?"
She stared at the wall, unable to formulate a coherent thought, she couldn't do this. She closed her eyes, the blackness isolating her from the surroundings.
"Kate?" he asked, a tinge of worry detectable in his tone.
"I'll be out in a minute, okay?" she called, trying to not let her voice break.
"I'm keeping your son as insurance, just so you know."
Her son. Nikki. Shit.
This was why she couldn't live alone, couldn't be trusted. She couldn't even do that right, care for that tiny human, completely dependent of her. She brought her hands to her face, her palms shielding her eyes. Breathing in and breathing out, that's how she'd be able to calm down, so she did. She breathed, starting at the knot on the wooden door of the vanity.
Finally, she was ready to go, ready leave, ready to be a mom again. A mom, but only a mom.
Rick was coming down the stairs as she got to the living room. She smiled, best she could, "We should go. Thanks for this evening, Castle. It was really nice."
"You don't think you're leaving, now?"
"Castle…"
"Sit, please."
And she did, even when all the fibers of her being told her not to, she did.
"I don't know what happened to you, why you close yourself off, why you don't let anyone get close enough to actually care, but it's too late, Kate. Because I do. I care."
"I'm not a good person, Rick. I've messed up, I'm messed up."
"Kate, I don't care. We've all made mistakes. I sure as hell have."
"Well you should, because Alexis…You invite me in your home, you introduce me to you to your daughter… You don't know me. And if you did, you wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole."
"I hope one day you'll feel comfortable enough to tell me what happened, but for now, I'm okay with just knowing the person you are, right now, at this moment, the person you've become. Because when I look at you with your son, at you with my daughter, I can see someone that's pretty great. Some one that needs to let go of whatever it is that's holding her back. Because that person…She's strong, Kate and she'll get through this."
"It's complicated, Rick. You've got no idea."
"Then uncomplicate it."
"I'll go say 'Good night' to Alexis," she said as she got up.
"She'll like that."
She smiled weakly, nodding as she walked away.
"Kate?"
She turned around towards him, listening.
"If this has anything to do with what Alexis asked, I had nothing to do with that, okay? I'm not expecting anything, okay? I'm not expecting an answer."
She smiled shyly.
"Friends?"
"Friends," she added.
Okay, so don't hate me, people! I still enjoy reading what you think though!
Special thanks to CaskettFan5 for volunteering to be my Beta and for his insight on 10 year olds! (Yay me!)
And thanks to shadowinthedust, because she's awesome. :)