Chapter 20:
The phone's vibration echoed through the night, and Kate mumbled as she sleepily rolled over. Not bothering to open her eyes, she tried grabbing it from the nightstand, letting out a growl when it fell to the floor. Quickly looking at the picture of the man staring back at her and rolling her eyes at the time, she brought the phone up to her ear.
A few days ago
Kate took a long deep breath in before finally confessing. It was time, "There's something I've been keeping from you." She paused, taking another soothing inhale and continuing, "I've seen him. I've been seeing him."
The woman in front of her, crossed her leg over the other as she arched an eyebrow, repositioning the glasses on her face, "Who?"
Kate, bit at her lower lip, nervously playing with her hands. She wouldn't look up, "Rick... Rick Castle."
"When did this start?" the doctor asked, her eyes piercing through her when finally, Kate looked up.
She shook her head, her tongue caressing her lips, "I only saw him a couple of times in the span of the last few weeks. I…I-"
The therapist crossed her hand over the other, straightening her position, and leaning towards her patient, "Kate, you should have told me. We don't meet here twice a week to stare at the walls and talk about the weather. I need to know these kinds of things if you want me to help. I thought things were going well, but maybe I lowered the dosage too much."
"They weren't hallucinations, weren't delusions! He was real, Jessa."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure! This isn't what it's about, I'm lucid!" she exclaimed, her eyes watering in anger.
"It's not what I meant Kate, but you understand, I had to ask."
Kate looked at the woman, her upper lip caught between her teeth as she rolled her eyes upwards to contain the tears, swallowing with difficulty.
"So? It must be hard, seeing him, must be the reason you're telling me this now. There must something you want, something you're ready to ask of me."
Kate breathed in, her chest expanding. She nodded discreetly, moistening her lips "I want to be better," she mumbled. She looked up, more determined, her tone louder and clearer, "I want the panic attacks to stop, the doubt to cease and the insecurities. I want to walk down the street and know where I'm going. I want to be able to hold my head up high. I want the last years of my life to have been different. I want to be able to trust others and trust myself." She paused, trying to contain the tears again by staring at the wall in back of the woman, "I want the chance to be happy, the chance to love and be loved. I want you to get me there. That's all I want."
"And you think all of this will happen with Richard Castle?"
"I don't know. Honestly, I don't know with who or when. With Richard Castle or someone else entirely, in a few months, a few years, I don't know. But I want it, the possibility of a happy ending. I want to be able to paste myself back together, my mind, my heart, my life. I want it all back. I love Nikki, I do, and I love being his mom. But I want more, I want to be a friend; I want to be a girlfriend and a confidant… a lover."
"There is no quick fix for this, Kate," added the doctor, smiling in encouragement.
"No quick fix? You're kidding me, right? I've been out for months. I'm way past the quick fix."
"And you've been making tremendous progress. We were even talking about giving you back full custody of Nicolas. A visit from a social worker and things could get going, from what I've heard and witnessed, you would have nothing to worry about. The only thing that's standing in the way of that is you."
Kate sprung to her feet, "Wait. I'm not. I'm not, okay? I'm not better. I can't do it," she exclaimed while pacing around, nibbling on the nail of her thumb.
"Sit down, Kate. You need to get a grip. You can do it, and you will."
Still up, Kate's hand ran through her hair, "I'm stuck. I'm stuck between the reality and my fantasies and sometimes I can't make out what happened and what didn't. You have no idea how confusing it gets and how insecure it makes me feel, how crazy..."
"You're referring to Mr. Castle, here."
"Of course I'm referring to Castle! I thought I was engaged to him!"
"Sit, please."
She sat uneasily on the couch, her hands tight under her thighs as she stared toward the woman.
"This is what we're going to do. I'm going to give you a little homework. At home, you're going to sit down and think. You're going to imagine, make up this character from a book or a TV series, anywhere, but fictional. And this make-believe person, you're going to attribute him everything you wanted Richard Castle to be. But he's going to stay this way, as a character, because that's what he was, a character in the movie you played for yourself. Give him a name, a story, everything. Then you're going to put this paper aside, this person, and you're going to write me a list of all you know about Richard Castle. Not what you think you know, not what you want to know. You write down what you really know. This is going to help you separate the two in your head, okay? Think you can do that?"
Kate nodded, it sounded easy enough. She got up. Yeah, she could most definitely do that, "Thank you, Doctor."
"And Kate, you should keep your distance for a while, until you manage to dissociate him in your head."
But that she couldn't, that she can't.
"Beckett." she answered sleepily.
"Beckett, I killed him!"
"Castle, you know it's 3 am and I sleep in the same room as my 6 month old son."
"I did not. No. Wow. Is it that late already?"
"Well now, you do. I'll talk to you in the morning," she whispered.
She was about to hang up, when he exclaimed, "Wait!"
"Castle, no…" she whined too loudly and that was enough to wake Nikki up.
"Damn it, Castle, he better go back to sleep, or I'm dropping his cranky a…bum, at your place later," she growled as she got up, not wanting her son's whimpers to evolve into screams that would wake her father up.
"Gladly," he answered, to which she rolled her eyes.
"Okay, fine, I'll play. Who did you kill?" she asked pulling Nikki out of the crib.
"Derek Storm!" he exclaimed, bursting into her ear, too close to the speaker, holding the phone in place on her shoulder.
"You woke my son up at 3 am, to tell me you've killed off your fictional character."
"Technically, you're the one that woke him with your whining and complaining."
"Seriously?" she said, sitting back in bed, bringing Nikki along with her. She laid him on his belly, a pillow beside him to keep him from rolling over.
"Okay, so maybe I'm a little to blame."
"Talk. You obviously wanted to talk, I'm listening," she added laying her head on pillow, Nikki close to her face, and she gently caressed his back, trying to calm him down. He was pushing on his little arms, trying to propel himself forward in the bed, but failing, to Kate's contentment.
"You were right. It's done and it just feels so… right, so complete. I feel so liberated, like I'm out of the funk, I didn't even know I was in. I need you to tell me it's the right move, that I can press send. I can finally tell Gina, tell Paula to hell with their golden goose, that I can do it again. That I have it in me."
"Kate?"
"I'm listening, Castle," she whispered.
"So?"
"I haven't read it Castle, but you're good. And I have faith in you. I'm sure you'll be doing your readers a favor by writing about something that excites you. And just not for your readers-" She yawned, "for you too, you deserve that."
"Are you going to read it?"
"Of course," she yawned again, "If you want me to, I'll read it."
"I'm so excited! I'm going to do it, Kate! I'm going to change things up, write the book I talked to you about when I met you, about the female detective. I'm going to do it. Honestly though, I thought you'd have a bigger reaction. I should have probably taken the hour into account, and managed my expectations, in retrospect."
"Kate?"
The only answer he got was the steady breathing of the woman that had fallen asleep.
"Thank you, Kate. You were the push I needed without even knowing it. Good night."
She opened her eyes slightly, pulling the covers over her head when the bright sunlight reflected through her eyes.
Wait, the sun.
It was the late morning sun, shining through her window, absolutely not the wake-up call she was accustomed to having. Her hand patted the bare mattress beside her and she peeked out, glancing at the time.
That late already?
She got on her elbows, searching through her too quiet room. Nikki would never have let her sleep in this late. She couldn't remember the last time she'd slept in. It felt good; she felt good.
The apartment was eerily quiet as she walked to the kitchen, mechanically heading to the coffee machine and pouring herself a still steaming cup of coffee. She closed her eyes, the smell empowering her senses as she brought the cup to her lips.
Thanks, Dad.
She took the note, stuck on the fridge and read it.
We wanted to let you sleep, you sounded exhausted. Yes, Katie, you were snoring. Don't roll your eyes at me, young lady, you were. Boys' day out, painting the town. Don't worry about us, have fun today. Say hi to Jules for me.
– Dad
Bringing the sandwich to her mouth, she laughed. This had been a good idea. It was time she went out; met with people, time she got out of her routine, out of her comfort zone. She laughed like she hadn't in the longest time, reminiscing about the incident in Chem Lab that had happened all those years ago. They weren't the same people they were back then, but their connection remained unsevered, like the years hadn't passed, like the paths of their lives hadn't split along the way.
It felt like they had seen each other only yesterday, because that's the thing with best friends, it's easy. Unlike the rest of her complicated life, this lunch, here with Julie, was easy, simple. Because, best friends, even when they're not there, they're there. They don't judge. They don't fuss. They love and they care and they understand.
"Seriously, Kate, I really can't believe how good you look."
"You've said that already."
"Must be 'cause it's true then, huh?" laughed Julie as she winked at her friend.
She smiled and rolled her eyes, "Well, thanks. Again, in that case."
"I'm so glad we're doing this!"
"I am too. I've missed you, Jules."
"I just can't believe you didn't bring Nikki, along. K Becks, a mom, I really wanted to meet him."
"My Dad's babysitting; they were gone when I woke up. I probably have pictures on my phone, though. Do you want to see him?" she said as she pulled the phone out of her pocket.
"Do I?" exclaimed the 25 year old.
"That's what I'm asking, dummy," Kate smiled shaking the phone in her hand.
"Shut up and show me the pictures smart-ass," Julie snapped lightly, grabbing the phone from her hands.
Julie tapped in a password, and looked up, "Still the same password? Becks, you'll never change."
"Stop bitching, and just look at the pictures will you, Jules."
Julie swiped through the picture, gasping in awe, "Kate he's absolutely adorable. I just want to nibble his tiny baby toes!"
"Well control yourself woman, my son's not on the menu."
Jules continued to swipe through the pictures, "Oooh… Who's that handsome hunk?" she questioned as her eyes went back to her friend sitting in front of her.
Kate's eyes squinted at the picture the woman was holding up for her to see. "That would be, Rick."
"Oooh... Rick. Does Rick have a last name?"
"Castle, Rick Castle."
"Richard Castle? The author, Richard Castle?" questioned Jules as she examined the picture more closely.
"One and only. We hung out a few times."
"Girl!"
"What?"
"You're having sex with Richard Castle?"
"Hush! Jules, fuck. There's no sex. God, Jules, why the hell would you even go there?"
"If that wasn't lust in your eyes when you mentioned him, I don't know what is, there's obviously something there. And what the hell does "hang out" even mean these days?"
"We hung out, Jules. As in with our kids, watched a movie, went to a ball game,-"
"Katherine Beckett, you met his kid! Is it serious?"
"Nothing's happening, we're friends, only friends."
"Bullshit, Becks."
"Seriously, Jules nothing happened."
"Why? You're hot, he's hot. You're clearly attracted. He likes you enough to let you meet his kid. What's the set back?"
"It's complicated."
"Always is with you!"
"Jules, just listen okay?" And at that Kate Beckett told Julie Lancaster everything, the whole uncensored version of the last year of her life.
"That's really fucked up, Kate."
"I know."
"How do you manage, after everything, to be able to see him, like nothing's happened?"
"Well, nothing did happen Jules."
"You know what I mean, it must be so fucked up. I don't know how I'd deal."
"I can't either, that's the problem. I was at his loft and-"
"You were in his loft!?"
"Jules, not the point. Shut up and let me talk."
"Okay, continue."
"I was at his loft and everything was fine, more than fine, everything was great. Until suddenly it wasn't. Like everything hit me, and I couldn't breathe anymore. The walls were closing in on me."
"Oh, honey!" Jules exclaimed, patting her friend's hand.
"But I also can't manage to stay away, which is also the problem. But I talked to my therapist about it, she gave me some homework, said it might help."
"What is it?"
"She thinks it might help if I start associating my delusions to a fictional character, from a book, a TV series or a movie."
"Hahaha!" Jules exclaimed. "This can't be serious, a book character? Becks? Where the hell do you think they get these ideas? Sometimes the therapists really make you guys do anything that passes through their head. A book character, seriously?"
Kate's eyes widened at the statement, "Oh my god, Jules, I love you!" exclaimed Kate as she hurried up, putting 20 bucks on the table. "I have to go," she said as she quickly hugged her.
"I'll call you later!" she called out, already halfway across the restaurant.
Julie sat back down, smiling.
What the hell had she said?
I love you all. Again, thanks to my beta:)
Any thoughts?