A/N: LOL... you are all a bag of mixed thoughts... so.. why don't I get the show on the road.. let's finish it up! Let's see what Esme can do to kick Edward's ass...

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, SM does, I am playing in the sandbox! ENJOY!

60

EPOV

It has been over a week since I spoke to my mom. I moved out of my place temporarily and in with Emmett and Rose. My mom was worried that once she left I would head straight back to the bottle. Funny thing, she would have been right.

Now that I am sober, I feel everything and it sucks. My head is a chaotic mess of guilt, loathing, shame, fear, love and hope. I never know if I'm coming or going. I think about Bella all the fucking time and I hurt. My heart, my head, my body are crying out for her. I want to see her, but I still need to figure out shit in my head.

So I pour myself into work. I'm constantly composing, writing, laying down tracks. It is the only way I can think and make any sense of the craziness that is my life. This morning I'm in Em's gym, running on the treadmill and for the millionth time, my Mom's words from our talk echo in my head.

I followed her from the kitchen, back into the den they found me in. It stank of alcohol, vomit and plain old staleness. Silently, Mom begins to clean up. Feeling a bit ashamed for what she walked in on, I start to pickup as well.

"Did you know that I got pregnant after Lizzie died?" Her voice was so nonchalant that is took me a moment to really understand what she was talking about.

"N-no," I stuttered out.

She nods. "I did, about a year later. I was so scared. The only person I told was your dad. I couldn't stop worry about the what-if's you know. What if this baby got sick? What if it also died a long death? What if I couldn't parent it?"

She pauses and looks at me as if she knew that is all I had been doing when it came to Bella. I gave her a shaky nod to confirm that she was correct.

"One day I confessed it all to Emily. Broke down in hysterical sobs." I knew that Emily was the grief counselor she saw to help her deal with losing Lizzie. "She listened as I poured my heart to her. Every fear, every dark thought I had, I laid at her feet. When I finally stopped crying and talking she looked me right in the eye and asked me one question."

She paused once more to look at me. "Do you know what she asked?"

"No," I mumbled.

"She asked me, 'Would you love this child any less if you were told right now what could happen to that child?' I didn't have an answer, because I was too wrapped up in my fears and worries to even think about how I felt about the child itself."

She gave me a meaningful glance. "When I told her I didn't know how I felt, she told me that I needed to set my fears aside and concentrate on how I felt about being a mother again. Not the what-ifs, the concerns or the worries, just how I felt to be pregnant again."

She smiled softly, "When I did just think about that, I was happy. When I told Emily that the next time I saw her she told me to focus on that. To just love being pregnant, to enjoy that moment in time. Later, if there was a need to worry, I would handle it then. Unfortunately I lost the baby three weeks later."

"I am so sorry, Mom, I never knew." I hugged her close, needed to give comfort as much I wanted to be comforted myself.

"It's ok. I was happy those three weeks. It was hard to lose another child, but I was able to deal with it because I had happy memories to carry with me." She placed the last few bottles and dirt in the bag I was holding.

She looked me square in the eye, "You need to think about how you feel about Bella, not Bella and her illness or even her illness alone. JUST BELLA. Because even if you only have six months or years left, It's what you do with that time that is important. You are going to lose people in your life, Edward. That's just a fact of life, nothing will change that. You can't hide from loss in any of its forms."

I hung my head in shame. I knew what she was saying was the truth, but I just had so much fear, it was hard to let go.

"If you really love her, Edward, you don't… you can't let that go. Love like that is rare and should be cherished."

To this day, I know what she said is the truth. Even more so, I have since realized that I do love Bella. I just need to figure out how to be the man she needs me to be.

A/N: What did ya think of Esme... did she give Edward what he needed?