Resolve
Siting on the tatty sofa in the dayroom, Ianto was curled up beside Jack his legs tucked up, his head in Jack's armpit fast asleep. Jack watched as Dr Green approached.
"We need to get him settled for the night," he said quietly seeing Ianto was asleep.
"Please don't put him in that room," Jack asked as he glanced toward the room where Ianto was locked away every night and fought an involuntary shudder.
"We do it for his own safety. We only have limited staff on at night and I have other patients to consider," he told Jack.
"I know but I am begging you, please don't put him in there, not tonight," he asked again trying to keep his voice down.
"Are you suggesting he stays out here all night?" he said.
Jack nodded. "He's asleep right now. He sees me as some kind of security. He's had such little comfort, don't take this away from him," he pointed out.
"You can't stay there all night, Captain Harkness," Dr Green told him disapprovingly.
"Why not?" Jack retorted quietly not wanting to wake Ianto up.
"Look we are not ungrateful for your help, but we need to take over and get him back into his routine," he told Jack.
"What possible harm could it do if he sleeps here tonight?" Jack replied just as strongly. "He hates that room, he fights you every night. He's asleep right now, why can't he stay?" Jack told him.
Dr Green struggled with himself. Jack had never seen him at night or experienced the nightmares that tormented Ianto. On the other hand Jack had got Ianto calm, moved him out of the room, back into the building, given him a shower, encouraged him to eat something, and settled him down.
"What if you fall asleep, he wakes up and starts acting out?" Dr Green pointed out.
"I don't sleep much," Jack told him. "And I will sit here all night keeping him safe if I have to."
Geoff let out a deep sigh and made a decision. If Jack wanted to stay there all night then let him. Let him experience the very worst, then tomorrow night there would be no more arguments.
"Very well, I will leave sedation and instructions. If Ianto wakes and becomes agitated then he will have to be put into his night room." He stalked off to give his staff instructions and to leave himself on call.
Hearing the dayroom double doors click shut and seeing the lights dim Jack felt a wave of trembling start in his jaw then spread throughout his entire body. His breathing quickened as the dark shadows that had been threatening to overwhelm him since Geoff had led him down the corridors to the safe room now came full force and crashed into him. Through sheer force of his will and some bio-control he had held this off.
As they had neared the room the walls had begun closing in on him as he felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest. For a split second he was back on the Valiant, being dragged towards what the Master had called his 'room of delights'. It had only lasted for a fragment of a moment but he had nearly lost it when the safe room door was opened and the sight and smell hit him. He had gagged and re-swallowed what felt the entire contents of his stomach as he had seen the state Ianto had been in. To help Ianto he had forced it into the back of his mind as he wrestled to remain outwardly in control. However he could not control the involuntary shudder as he battled to remain in the now. He had used what little mental strength after the flashback in the corridor to force himself to focus on the task at hand.
Now that feeling began to break like the crest of a wave... His hearing, over-sensitive to even the minutest sound, startled at what sounded like flapping wings began to circle. He felt a wave of terror because he knew the hard dark creature who had been slowly consuming his soul was coming for him. Like the Vashta Nerada who lived in the shadows hungry for flesh, this creature was hungry for his very being. He had tried to name this force but no name in any language seemed malevolent enough. It felt like a force of nature akin to a hurricane which came without warning and was a jumble of fragmented remnants of his worst recollections: vulnerability, helplessness, mixed with pain and rage.
He reached down with his hand to pull Ianto closer to him. He could not let this happen now. 'Please,' he begged inwardly, 'let me find the strength I need to overcome this for his sake'. Several desperate moments passed as he struggled to keep his mind when a feeling began to warm his stomach. It was so faint it took sometime before he recognised its strange calming effect. He felt himself come slightly back into balance in a way he had not felt since before the Valiant. In all the months since his return he had not had a moment of calm. He had felt this once before today; it had occurred the moment Ianto had reached out for him and he to him. It had been so fleeting that he has not recognised it until now. The feeling grew and he felt its effect as the roaring in his mind eased and the shadows moved back. He drew strength from this focus and his heart rate lessoned and his breathing eased.
Opening his eyes he had no idea how much time had passed; looking down at his wrist strap he saw it had been about two hours. To his relief Ianto was curled up his head on his lap still fast asleep. He tucked the blanket around him and caressed his forehead as the new feeling began to grow in strength and became combined with a steely determination that he would never leave Ianto's side willingly ever again. He was his armour, his protector, his voice.
Walking into the unit Dr Green fully expected to be met with an update from the night staff that confirmed all his worst fears for leaving Ianto out of his room. To his surprise he found, for the first time since entering the unit Ianto had slept through the entire night. He had cried out a couple of times but finding himself with Jack had gone back to sleep. Whatever Jack was doing had worked. He strolled into to the dayroom to find Ianto sitting at the table calmly eating his breakfast while Jack stroked his back calmly talking to him. He noted Ianto was sitting as close as possible to Jack, no doubt had he been able he would have sat in his lap.
"We need to talk," Jack said as Dr Green joined them. Looking up at Dr Green he took a breath. "I want him out of here permanently," Jack told him.
"We need to talk," Dr Green repeated as he geared himself up for a fight.
Getting enough space to talk to Dr Green over the next few days proved to be extremely difficult. True to his word, Jack took Ianto outside each and every day thereafter and they walked around the garden and the unit like co-joined twins. To his relief as he now became Ianto's full time caregiver he felt more of the calm he had felt that night develop into much stronger feelings of peace. As each day passed Jacks determination grew, he had to get Ianto out of here.
Ianto had settled each night to sleep next to Jack. As long as he was not forced to sleep in the secure room at night, he slept all the way through without sedation. As far as Jack could tell, the room represented a return to the Valiant; triggering a regression to the torture he had endured. This then had a knock-on effect which affected his behaviour during the day, keeping him in a hyper-vigilant PTSD mindset. It meant Ianto was trapped in a cycle he would not be able to escape without help. This was not to criticize the efforts of the staff. They had done the best they could, but it was also clear their efforts were not helping. The staff seeing his determination and Ianto's improvement began to accept his presence as he became a permanent feature of the unit.
With much reluctance, the staff set up two mattresses side by side in the dayroom and they had slept there ever since. There was only one night when things could have turned sour. Ianto had woken up and started his searching. A behaviour the staff had pointed out was the cause his being locked in at night.
Jack had watched for a while then pulled Ianto around, to see he was confused and distressed. Talking to him Ianto had gone to his dayroom and pulled out one of his endless pictures of the grey blob he drew every day, and gesturing Jack understood this was what he was looking for.
Jack reminded him he had searched this room already many times, and whatever it was, was not here. As there were many other places left to search maybe they could search this room one more time, and then mark it off as searched. Ianto had stopped what he was doing as he thought deeply; after what seemed an age he nodded. Once searched Ianto headed for his day room, brought out the large sheet of paper, and recorded via a drawing that this room had been searched and put a cross through it. Much to Jack's relief he took a final look around then settled back down to sleep.
One evening as Ianto slept, Dr Green listened with some trepidation to Jack's plan. Seeing the improvements in Ianto had convinced him Jack was right. Ianto had not made any significant changes until recently and under Jack's care was beginning to stabilise somewhat. Partly he knew it was because Jack could give him the one-on-one care the unit could not provide.
However moving him to a new location was fraught with difficulty, let alone the ongoing day-to-day care of someone who was clearly emotionally fragile. Ianto had a huge list of triggers, adding thunderstorms to the list it included sudden noises, raised voices, asking questions, offering him a choice, to the hated bedroom.
The major factor that ruled Ianto's life was his schedule. Dr Green explained that the schedule represented predictability. As a victim of torture, knowing what comes next was vital because it made it possible to predict what happened next. In other words, if event A happened and was followed by B then C would follow and so on. It made him feel safe and was seared into his memory by his hyper-vigilant state. Even the most minor of changes could bring on a pout to rival any two year-old and if not attended to could lead to a major tantrum. Jack had been witness to this; Ianto had thrown a chair across the room when one night the dinner menu had been changed. After much foot stomping, he had refused to eat the dinner provided, crossing his arms and throwing himself on his mattress in the dayroom. No amount of persuasion could entice him to take a single bite. Jack was taking on a huge responsibility and work load. It meant the end of his life as he knew it, because Ianto would need supervised 24 hour-a-day care, 7 days a week.
"What support do you have?" he asked Jack when he had finished talking. "By your silence, I take that as none," Geoff replied after several moments passed. "And we have to take Ianto into account. What does he want in all this? We can hardly ask him," he continued.
"I promised I would get him out of here. I have some ideas. I do have some support; I am not wanting to take Ianto to anywhere. I am prepared to wait until I find exactly the right place that would fit all his requirements. Once found he could start to live a normal life or as normal as I can make it," Jack told him. He saw Geoff relax and wondered if he thought he was going to kidnap Ianto which was the last thing in his mind.
"His regression could be permanent," Geoff warned him. "As he is now might be as good as it gets."
"Ianto can only become more institutionalised. He's only 25 years old, let me at least try to give him some kind of life," Jack told him. Dr Green remained silent so Jack continued. "He has this schedule, maybe using that as a tool we can move him from one place to another, set up his routine, allow him the space to feel totally protected, safe and loved. I know it all sounds like a kind of fantasy but I love Ianto very much."
Dr Green pulled his bottom lip. "But this could be for life. He could remain just as he is right now. Any improvements are going to be hard won and a long time coming. Before I give my support the question I am asking you is, are you here for the long haul? Long term care for someone like Ianto with all his difficulties burns people out. It takes mental fortitude and stamina. It's clear you love Ianto, but love is not always enough. He needs time, space and a great deal of patience, if you do this I want you to understand the commitment this is going to take. I don't want him dumped back here in two years' time, because you found it all too hard. I would rather you leave him here right now , than promise him he can leave only to have you walk away at a later date and he be returned."
"I wish you could have met Ianto before all this happened," Jack said with a wry smile "He was a wonderful man; witty, funny, courageous, resourceful, careful, hard-working, intelligent, devoted, and passionate; he could be stubborn, difficult and sarcastic and could without doubt make the best cup of coffee in the universe. I know the man Ianto was may be gone forever. What I want to do is allow him the time and space to grow into the man he needs to become to get his life back on track. I know it's not going to be easy, there are going to be tough times ahead. I know his entire care and well-being will fall onto me. I will admit I have never taken on a responsibility like this before but I pledge to you right now, once he leaves Ianto will never step through the doors of this facility as a patient again."
"And what if something happens to you what then? You have become his entire focus. It will leave a huge hole if something happens to you," Dr Green said bluntly.
"Won't happen," Jack replied just as bluntly.
"You can't guarantee that," Dr Green told him as Jack raised his eyebrows and a stubborn look crossed his face.
Crossing his arms he took a deep breath. "All right I agree in principal, on one condition: we prepare this move with extreme care, and we will only mention it once all preparations are confirmed. He will need time to come to terms with leaving, because no matter how stressful and difficult things may be for him here, it represents what he knows. Once everything is set to go we need to ensure he knows exactly what is going on every step of the way."
"Agreed," Jack said as he pulled out his mobile and a massive list and started punching in numbers.