Smash
As the seasons turned Jack and Ianto settled into their new life. Late summer passed in to early autumn when Jack noticed that Ianto appeared to be influenced by the change in the weather. It was like he was somehow linked with the seasons. Autumn, with its change to less settled weather, Ianto became more sullen. Each passing day even the tiniest change could bring on a monumental strop very much like any of the storm fronts that passed over the Island during this time of the year. The only thing Jack was grateful for was that the majority of his behaviour was passive resistance rather than the explosive outbursts of old but they were unsettling nonetheless. Jack was unsure of what brought these on and sometimes Ianto just woke up in a bad mood. He had spoken to Geoff in length about it. He advised it was consistent with Ianto's continued frustration at being unable to express himself. As good as Ianto was with numbers, it was words he struggled with the most. He felt it came back to control. The routine was something that gave the illusion of control. Weather was something he could not control under any circumstance and it upset his routine.
Geoff had pointed out this was evidence of the physical and emotional damage to Ianto's brain. He felt intense emotions but was unable to express how he felt so it came out as a strop. It appeared to be partly connected to vocabulary. Ianto had been a master at finding exactly the right word or expression, but was now reduced to not being able to find a single word or phrase to tell Jack what the matter was. In light of this Jack had asked the lovely ladies who had made the appliqué calendar and weather icons to also make up some emotions as well; happy, sad, angry, confused, and so on.
This had worked to begin with and several times a day Ianto would go and change how he was feeling on the board. But as the weather turned and each day became colder they spent more and more time in doors. The only emotions were angry, sad, unhappy, and crying.
Ianto often just sat on the end of the bed looking out to sea, Myfanwy his only comfort. Jack wondered if this regression was contributed to him feeling trapped. Forced indoors, did he see this as a return to being in the institute, left in a situation of look but don't touch? If it was, with winter approaching it was not going to get any better.
Jack knew by the look on Ianto's face that regardless of the enthusiasm others, including Jack, were showing, Christmas decorations were out.
In the hope of easing Ianto's winter of discontent. Jack for the first time in his long life was prepared to attempt Christmas. In his time Christmas was not an event his family ever celebrated so he had always been happy to take on Christmas duties to free up others so they could spend time with family and friends.
His plan was to lift Ianto's spirit with a good old-fashioned Christmas. However he had not counted on Ianto's stubbornness. He hated change, saw decorations as an intrusion into the house and with folded arms, pouting and large number of posts of angry, unhappy and sad on his board made it clear. He felt he was being invaded. Jack looked at Ianto wanting to scream then shake him. It was so frustrating; he was left with same dilemma he had with Ianto's birthday, he wanted to make this special. Shower him with gifts; make this a happy wonderful time. Again his plans were thwarted, no point cooking something special, Ianto would refuse to eat it. Wrapping things as gifts was met with suspicion and greeting cards just made him sad. As for Father Christmas Ianto saw this as some kind of threat. Just the idea that a man dressed in red could enter the house and leave again was terrifying. Any fake Santa's were met with suspicion with Ianto clinging to Jack for protection. With a long sigh Jack added this to the list of objects and events along with all the others that caused Ianto to regress. He couldn't believe that the Master had resorted to torturing Ianto dressed as Father Christmas so it was possible his reaction to Christmas was something from his past or not as the case may be Jack argued with himself.
The only highlights in Ianto's life at this point was Myfanwy, Marigold and Mac. There were days when the only person, if a stuff toy could be called a person, he spoke to. For some reason Jack couldn't work out Ianto had an affinity with Mac. Mac never spoke more one word or two words to him and just handed him tools. To Mac's amazement he could always anticipate what was needed. Mac tolerated Ianto, never spoke a word to him above a grunt, all words being reserved to tell him where to stand. Yet Ianto was always glad to visit and was pleased to be in his company. It was a strange friendship but along with Marigold were the only three high spots in Ianto's life at this point. The positive for Jack was he could leave Ianto with Mac for a couple of hours every week. It gave him a break no matter how small of which he spent his time in the local café reading the newspaper over a coffee or chatting up the locals. Like all small communities, the local grapevine had an ability to find out the goings on in each family that would put an investigative journalist to shame. Jack loved to talk, this being his only outlet for company and was now on hand waving terms with many of the locals.
Hammering a nail into the front door, Jack was preparing himself for a battle. He had decided he was going to celebrate Christmas in one small way. He was going to hang on the door that faced the lane the wonderful wreath he had found in Morag's shop. It was a feature of the village here that everyone had one on their door. After seeing the wreath he had decided as members of the community they were going to join in and Ianto's wrath he damned.
Ianto was currently sulking on the floor of the lounge glaring at him whispering to Myfanwy. Standing back Jack now picked up the wreath and hung it on the door to see Ianto standing before him and with one movement pulled it off.
"No!" Jack said sternly as he picked it up and checked it was not damaged.
"Angry," Ianto told him handing him the picture that represented how he was feeling.
"I can hear and see you are angry, but everyone one else has a wreath, even Mac has one," Jack argued picking it up and hanging it back up.
"No Christmas," Ianto stuttered as he went to pull off the wreath again but Jack grabbed his hand to prevent him. Jack looked at Ianto and could see his eyes were wide with fury.
"No! " Ianto told him loudly.
"Well we are going to have Christmas. I have not put up any decorations in the house we have no tree or anything else, but this is going on and staying put," Jack told him taking Ianto's arm and trying to move him back inside. It was late afternoon and it was getting dark, freezing and Ianto was only wearing thin clothing. After a struggle Jack managed to bodily move him into the kitchen and quickly closed the door.
Ianto glared at him as he struggled to express himself, his lips moving as he fought to find the words he needed. He turned and went inside and came back out with one of his drawings and pointed at it.
It was a fury of thick black lines and deep reds in spikes. Ianto had pressed so hard with the pens and crayons he had used the paper was ripped.
"Does the picture represent how angry you are?" Jack carefully worded the question as he tried to work out the meaning of the drawing. Ianto shook his head.
"So this picture is about how angry you feel?" Jack tried again. He saw Ianto shake his head. He watched as Ianto went into the lounge and pulled out a large roll of news print paper they had been using for a project. He tore off a large piece then taking several thick crayons began to draw furiously with great strokes. Then after a short while Ianto began to tear the paper up and squeezed it into a tight ball shaking with anger.
Watching Jack tried to piece this together. "You are angry," he said carefully. Ianto nodded.
"So the drawings represent you are angry," something dawned on him, "but not how angry you are." Ianto nodded as he picked up Myfanwy and held her close.
"Ianto draw me how big your anger is," Jack suggested. Ianto shook his head. Jack could see he was visibly shaking.
"I think you are feeling a lot of anger, Ianto, not a cup full, or house full but maybe a volcano full," Jack moved to the computer and found some footage of exploding volcanos.
"Volcano," Ianto said as he now sat down and started drawing a volcano with black sides and flames of deep reds and yellows coming out the top.
Watching as Ianto drew he saw he was putting his whole energy into the drawing with great wide strokes and thick lines. He completed it and he picked up another and then handed them both to Jack and stood up.
"This has something to do with the coat and blue box," Jack said. Ianto looked at him then nodded.
"Man," Ianto added with a long face as he held Myfanwy for comfort trying very hard not to get his dirty hands on her.
Moving quickly to the kitchen Jack helped Ianto clean his hands.
"The picture is a man in a grey coat," Jack said carefully. Ianto nodded holding his toy close.
"Ran away."
"The man in the grey coat ran away," Jack reflected knowing full well the true significance of the drawing.
"From Ianto," he added as he became distressed. Jack moved to comfort him but resisted because Geoff had told him to stand back and allow Ianto space to express himself. He needed to express how he felt without it all being hugged away in an attempt to make it better. Jack had to admit he was right, if he held back, Ianto was able to go further into his emotions so he waited.
"Angry, and sad with bad things," he battled to tell him then handed him the sad square.
"So you are feeling angry and sad all mixed up," Jack saw Ianto nod.
"Mixed up together, angry, sad, with Christmas, with the man in the grey coat who ran away from you," Jack added carefully and saw Ianto nod.
"That's a lot of things all racing around inside," Jack reflected back his understanding.
"How is Myfanwy feeling?" Jack asked after a few more moments has passed knowing often Ianto could express how he felt through her. And he had to admit she was a godsend because Myfanwy could handle the odd question.
"She's the volcano, she wants to explode, fly and burn and smash things," Ianto expressed.
"So your anger inside you is the size of a volcano, and you want to explode and smash things," Jack attempted to express. To his relief he saw him nod.
Jack had a moment of inspiration, taking a risk to ask Ianto a direct question. "Would it help if you actually smashed something?"
"Smash, Christmas," Ianto told him.
"I'm not sure I understand the connection to Christmas Ianto but I understand you feel so angry you want to explode and destroy things," he saw him hold Myfanwy closer.
"Well maybe we can find something for you to smash," he saw Ianto think deeply then looked at Jack.
"Yes," he replied with a long face.
"Okay, I need to make some calls and see what I can do. I can't promise it will be today but I will find something you can smash," he said as he let out a breath
He saw Ianto move and throw his arms around him and sobbed. It was clear something had happened; a connection had been made. Ianto had never given the drawing a name, before it had remained a coat with a blue box for months. He wished he could see what was going on inside him so he could help him though this. All he could do was help him as best he could and pray he could deal with the guilt.
Handing the sledgehammer to Ianto, Jack stood back. A quick phone call around and an ancient shed which was falling apart had been offered. Jack had spent a while just making sure there was no glass. Ianto was now standing at the ready in old clothes and a pair of eye protectors.
He hoped this worked. Something deep within Ianto had triggered his feelings of anger. He had spoken to Geoff about this and he approved, advising Jack that he spell out the rules to Ianto, in terms of anger as best he could. The anger would be volcanic as indicated by the drawing and its release would be a good thing, he was to encourage him to vocalise if he could. He looked around; it was pretty isolated so there were no restraints other than the shed. The rules were very specific: it was okay to be angry and to express that anger as long as no people, objects other than that designated (in this case the shed) or yourself got hurt.
Looking at Jack for approval, Ianto gave a tentative swing. The wall wobbled a bit so he put some more force into it.
Ianto gritted his teeth as he swung the hammer, a determined look grew on his face and he smashed into the wall. The whole frame shook. He lifted up and using all his strength the hammer collided with the wall with a satisfying crunch.
Jack watched as Ianto swung the hammer, bringing it down again and again in a frenzy of blows. As he did Ianto sobbed out cries as the force of each blow shook his hands.
After several minutes half the shed was in pieces when Ianto cried out, "Why?" He swung the hammer again.
"Why?" He screamed at the fallen timbers then fell back on to his knees.
"Tell me," Jack encouraged kneeling next to him.
"I loved him," Ianto sobbed inconsolably. "I loved him and he ran away, why did he run away?"
After several moments passed Ianto looked at him stricken as he pulled a drawing out his pocket, and Jack saw it was the most complete one yet.
"He ran away from Ianto to magic blue box," he tried to explain. "Ianto was so sad," he sniffed as he now tried to stand and Jack pulled him up then held him in his arms.
"Oh Ianto I am so sorry," he said as tears ran down his face.
"I've tried so hard to find him, but he's lost," he sobbed.
"I know you have," Jack reflected, "you've been looking for the man in grey."
"Maybe he is looking for me but he can't find me, and I can't find him," Ianto tried explain as he took a breath. "He didn't like Christmas, so if we have Christmas and he is looking for me he will miss me and I will miss him."
"So if we put up Christmas decorations or celebrate Christmas then he might think you're not there because of that," Jack said finally understanding as Ianto nodded.
"Well okay we won't put a wreath on the front door," Jack said. He felt Ianto almost sink with relief.
"May be we could put it somewhere else then?" Jack added after a few more moments had passed.
"I don't know," Ianto said as Jack now pulled back and took the hammer
Jack stood beside the shed his heart aching. Somehow in Ianto's mind Christmas and the man in grey were linked. Which was not surprising as Jack was the man in grey. He had never celebrated Christmas; it was just not something he had done in all his time here on here on Earth. He let out a sigh. Well now he understood part of it. Ianto thought that if they celebrated Christmas and the man in grey was looking for him he would be looking for a place that didn't celebrate Christmas. If they did he would pass on by and not find Ianto. He let out a breath as he took the hammer. Ianto headed back to car and, after viewing the remains of the shed, Jack went to join him.