Bad
If Jack was hoping things would improve for Ianto he was mistaken. He watched as over the following days all of Ianto's progress seemed to slip away.
Ianto was distraught, and distant; the tiniest change in their routine caused monumental difficulties. He spent a lot of time just staring out of the window completely unresponsive. Jack tried everything but nothing seemed to lift his spirits and for days his only comfort was Myfanwy. Jack was despairing of what to do because as of that morning Ianto had even put her aside. For some reason he could not explain this saddened him more than anything else, because it was concrete evidence that Ianto was withdrawing more and more back into himself.
He was torn. Should he tell Ianto who he was? Would that help or would it make things worse? Deep in thought he entered the lounge to find Ianto curled up crying silent tears which flowed down his face dripping onto the carpet.
He put down Ianto's afternoon snack and lay down next to him.
"Please tell me what's wrong?" Jack risked a question as he tried to wipe away the tears that were rolling down Ianto's face.
"Ianto –must- be- bad," he sobbed in short breaths.
"How can Ianto be bad?" Jack asked as he reflected on Ianto's behaviour, which was nothing he hadn't seen before.
"Must be bad, very bad."
"Ianto, I can't think of anything you have done that is bad," Jack told him honestly.
"I can't remember," Ianto said so quietly Jack almost most missed it.
"You can't remember if you were bad?"
"I must have done something, but I can't remember…I've been trying to think what I did, but I can't," he added after a few more moments had passed.
"Well I can't think of anything you have done that is bad," Jack reiterated.
"But Ianto must have been bad for the man to run away, but I can't remember what I did."
"So you've been trying to work out what you did to make the man run away?" Jack closed his eyes as he felt a shiver run down his back.
"Yes," Ianto replied with a sniff.
"Ianto you are a good man, nothing you did made him run away," Jack tried to explain as it suddenly dawned on him why Ianto was denying himself any comfort. It was in an effort to punish himself for causing the man in grey to run away.
"I know I was bad because I cried for him to come and take me away from the bad place, but he never came."
"Oh Ianto," Jack said in short breaths as he struggled to stop himself breaking down.
"I was hurting inside," Ianto stabbed a finger to his chest. "I cried out in the dark for him to take me away in the blue box, but he never came…so Ianto must have been bad…I've been trying to think really hard," Ianto struggled on as Jack felt another piece of his heart break as Ianto continued, "to think what it was I done for him to run away and not come."
Jack pulled Ianto to a sitting position and placing his hands one on each shoulder he looked into his eyes. "Ianto, nothing you did made him run away. Maybe this was the worst mistake he ever made, maybe this was his biggest regret. Maybe he was so desperate for answers he didn't think. Maybe he should have told you why he was leaving. But I promise you nothing you did caused him to run away from you and had he known you were hurting in the dark he would have moved heaven and earth to rescue you."
Ianto saw Jack was now crying with him. "Why can't you be the man in grey? Ianto loves you and you love Ianto."
"Yes I love you with all my heart; you are the most important person in my life."
"I am so scared," Ianto said now as he started to tremble, "that Ianto loves you like he did the man in grey that maybe I will do the bad thing again and you will run away." He broke down into deep sobs as Jack held him. "But I can't remember what the bad thing was so I might do it and not know and you will run away because I did the bad thing and Ianto will be left all alone and bad things will happen again."
After a while Jack pulled back and took Ianto's hands and looked into his eyes. Ianto turned away but he pulled his chin up so he was looking directly at him.
"Ianto there is no badness in you; there is no bad thing that you could do to make me leave. I promise you that I will never leave you as long as you need me. I will never ever disappear like the man in grey." He watched as his words took effect. "And I promise I will do everything in my power to make sure no one ever hurts you like that again," he burst out vehemently.
"But I might do the bad thing," Ianto entreated.
"I promise, I rescued you, we came here so you could have a life, I did this all because I love you," he said passionately.
Ianto quieted then looked at Jack. "I love you too," Ianto said throwing his arms around him. "Sorry," he added quietly after a few moments had passed.
"You have nothing to be sorry for," Jack him told honestly as he pulled back.
"I got angry at you," he said and looked like he was going to break down again.
"You have every reason to be angry. The person you loved ran out on you, people did horrible spiteful, nasty, hurtful, things to you and it's okay to be angry." He took a deep breath. "Angry is good, and so is sad because what happened to you was horrible. I'm angry and sad about it, but every day we're here working to make things better." He wiped away the tears on Ianto's cheek. "Just remember tomorrow is a new day." He kissed him gently on the lips.
"New day," Ianto repeated as Jack now gave him his afternoon tea. While he was sitting eating Jack raced upstairs to fetch Myfanwy, handing her over to Ianto who gave her a huge hug.
Later on the sofa Ianto lay stretched out, his head on Jack's lap as Jack stroked the top of his head. Ianto had fallen asleep as they had watched one of his discs. He made no attempt to wipe away the tears that fell down his face as the image came to him of Ianto tortured, raped and bleeding, calling out for him pleading, begging to be rescued. It tore him up thinking of him there wishing for Jack to appear in the TARDIS but never coming. How must he have felt knowing Jack was somewhere in the Universe and believing he had left him to his fate?
His failure was complete. He had run away, been the instigator of a terrible chain of events.
As he went over his ruinous decisions he felt a darkness settle on his soul. He had no idea how he was going to make up for this. He was so torn on what to do. Should tell him the truth of who he was? Would it destroy the progress Ianto was making? If Ianto knew the truth would he then hate him for being the cause of all this?
Right now Ianto loved and needed him. He prayed that one day Ianto wouldn't need him so much, but losing Ianto's love was something he knew would leave him beyond repair. He had suffered so much himself during that year the one thought that had kept him going and made it possible to endure was him.
To return and find him gone was a blow that had left him staggered emotionally and he knew his battered soul couldn't bear losing Ianto again. He took a shuddered breath as he made his decision. He would not survive if Ianto rejected him. His love and acceptance of Jack was what kept him going all these months and kept him sane. A smile or small step forward was a reward beyond measure. So Jack swallowed his own pain as he stroked Ianto's face and pushed his own suffering once more to the back of his mind.
Watching from the kitchen, Jack busied himself making himself a cup of coffee and a snack. Much to his relief Ianto had come back a little into himself over the past few days. He was now talking to Myfanwy and some of the emotions on the board were a little less bleak, there was even a happy face this morning.
Snow had fallen overnight; in fact was still falling and Ianto was sitting showing her the garden. Ianto was fascinated. Big fat snowflakes were drifting down and appeared to be floating. Ianto sat unmoving as Jack, a plate in his hand, went and joined him. They sat for several moments when a sparrow hopped up to the window.
"Where do birds live in the winter?" Ianto asked him, taking a biscuit and noting the bird flew away startled by the sudden movement.
Jack looked thoughtful. "Some birds fly to a warm place and others stay."
"But they must be cold and hungry," Ianto said as he now took half of a biscuit crumpled it up and threw it out the door. His action was rewarded as several birds now hopped down to eat the scattered crumbs. "Well what do they eat?" he asked when the crumbs were all gone.
"They go to people's gardens and find seeds and fallen fruits from autumn, basically whatever they can find," Jack explained.
"They liked my biscuit. But they're not all fat like Marigold," Ianto stated, "so maybe they are more hungry."
He took several more biscuits and crushing them to crumbs threw them out the door. Several birds flew down, joined a few moments later by even more. "They really liked my biscuit because they were very hungry." Jack raised an eyebrow as Ianto worked through his thoughts out loud.
"Maybe we could help them," Jack suggested as Ianto turned his head towards him sharply. "We could go onto the internet and find out what they might like." He saw Ianto nod, looking excited.
"Yes," he said looking happy for the first time in days as he grabbed Myfanwy and headed to the computer.
"We could find what kind of birds stay over in winter and put out food just for them," he said to Ianto's back as he held Myfanwy on his lap and concentrated.
Reading down the printed list Jack let out a deep breath. Ianto was nothing if not thorough because he was looking at a list of every bird that over wintered on the Island and their preferred diet.
"Do you think this will be enough?" Ianto checked out.
"I think this will make them very happy," Jack assured him.
"Good, you can use your magic card," Ianto told him. Jack creased his brow as Ianto put his hand in Jack's pocket, pulled out his wallet and opening it handed him his credit card.
"Oh," he said in understanding
"And I need to make a bird table," Ianto pointed to bottom of the list. "I can dig the hole," he said proudly
"I know you love digging," Jack agreed.
"I do," Ianto said as Jack picked up the phone to call Morag.
'God know what the locals would think, there was enough food on the list to feed every bird on the island for months,' Jack thought.
"Morag," Jack said, "When Ben goes out tomorrow could he make a delivery? I have some things we need." He waited while she got something to write with. "Not quite last minute Christmas supplies," he listened again and looked at Ianto who was not interested in chit chat and wanted Jack to start the order so he tapped the paper with his finger..."That's very kind of you but I'm working on that… thank you for the invitation, maybe next year. Now I need the following..." Ianto now standing as close as he could pointed to each item on the list as Jack read them out. "Three kilos of plain peanuts; four kilos of basic but good quality bird mix; 20 seed bells; two kilos each of sultanas, raisins and currents; six kilos of lard; one kilo of black sunflower seeds; one kilo of nyjger seeds and two kilos of oatmeal." He took a breath as Ianto tapped the paper. Jack now read out the list of his requirements of the bird table Ianto had designed.
Holding the wood steady Jack braced himself. Ianto aimed the hammer at the head of the nail. He was trying to get this right, but nails were difficult at the best of times. So far Ianto had yet to hit one that went in all the way. Jack could tell by the determined set of Ianto's jaw he was far from defeated.
"Do you think it needs a large nail right in the middle of the centre post?" Jack asked as Ianto hammered away.
"That's a surprise," Ianto said as Jack raised his eyebrows.
"I like Christmas for birds," Ianto declared. He now stood the pole upright and seated into the hole he had dug. Jack never ceased to be amazed at how much enjoyment Ianto got out of physical labour. Ianto had spent hours working out exactly where this should go. He had explained to Myfanwy that part of the fun was being able to see, but had to be in a place the birds felt safe.
Filling in the hole he stamped in the dirt around the pole. Taking the top he had prepared earlier he now hammered it into place. Then he stood back to admire his work. It was simply a pole in the ground with a flat top. Several nails went around the outside to hang things from. Ianto explained that there was no roof because that put off the smallest birds. Having no roof meant the bigger birds couldn't bully the little ones. It was important that all the birds got a fair share. He explained he had put Myfanwy on the case to keep an eye out for any bigger birds that frightened the little ones and sort them out. Jack looked back towards the house and could see Ianto had positioned her so she had a good view.
"It's wonderful," Jack gave him a hug. Several moments passed as the both admired their new addition to the garden, when Ianto pulled away from him went back into the house. Several moments later he came out with the wreath and hung it on the nail he had placed earlier.
Jack broke into a grin as he felt his heart swell. Despite Ianto's seemingly crippling issues he had found a way to compromise and to celebrate Christmas, even it if was Christmas for the birds.
Putting his arm around Ianto he took his hand and kissed it.
"Have I ever told you what an amazing human being you are?" he said to Ianto.
"Silly," Ianto replied then looked at Jack. "It's good all the birds will have full tummies and eat yummy things."
"Now we need to make some bird Christmas puddings," Jack said as Ianto's eyes widened with excitement and he started to clap and jump up and down.
"Yes and I have the perfect rec, reci, recipe" he struggled to say. "It's lard, currents, oats, seeds with peanuts all mixed together, called a fat ball."
"I think that will be a big hit," He agreed as Ianto now bounced back towards the house, pulled back the door, picked up Myfanwy and headed to the kitchen.