At first, I am extremely happy. If we could defeat the rest of them, she and I could both go home and….that's it. The happiness doesn't last long. I won't make it out of here unless Katniss kills the other four of them in the next few hours or so, until I die. I certainly am in no condition to kill any of them. Even if she did do it, and we did make it out of here and go home, things would probably go back to normal, or be way worse. Either we'd both go about our business like nothing happened, trying to forget the traumatic weeks we've had, or we'd both be so emotionally scarred and paranoid that we'd sink into depression or paranoia or madness, or all three. Life is not a fairy tale. I am not going to save the day, and we are not going home to live happily ever after. Katniss will probably never be interested in either me or Gale, or anyone for that matter. If by some chance she did want a companion, I'm 99% sure it'd be Gale. Honestly, if I was her, I'd choose Gale myself. So there isn't really anything to look forward to. I am still hoping for Katniss to win, for obvious reasons, but I've no plans to leave this arena.
I'm sure Katniss heard the announcement, but she won't come and look for me. I'm not that talented, so I'm a liability, and she probably hates me right now. Even if she did find me, she is no doctor, she couldn't nurse me back to health, and she wouldn't want to either, after all the things she thinks I did. I am a little worried though, I'm sure Cato and Clove are doing remarkably well, and now that they've learned they can both live, they'll be doubly strong, because it's like Cato and Clove becomes Super Cloto. Katniss could pick them off easily with a bow and arrow and a tree, but it worries me a little.
I find myself pondering what would persuade the gamemakers to change the rules. I'm surprised, first of all, that the Capitol is going for this. But I don't question it. This has never happened before. Not once. Watching is a requirement, so the amount of watchers isn't an issue. They don't need to change the rules to get more watchers. Maybe they want to play up a storyline-then it hits me. Most likely, they are trying to give the Capitol citizens what they want. They want a soap opera. They want murder and romance. And romance is supposed to be my department. Still, they won't get much. Katniss probably wouldn't look me in the eye, she is probably out there hunting careers, saving me for last. Even if by some miracle she was willing to play up the romance, I am practically paralyzed. They won't be getting any romance from us.
I spend the next couple hours trying to find musical patterns in the sound of the creek. Then a mockingjay shows up. It's not the one from before, but any mockingjay will do. I prepare my mouth to whistle, but before I can, the mockingjay mimics Katniss' voice. It says, "Peeta! Peeta!" Katniss is calling my name, or, was calling my name. I don't know how fresh this mockingjay's memory is. She could have been calling me the first day we were in the arena for all I know. I close my eyes. I feel closer to death now than I did previously. I'm 100% sure that the next time I fall asleep, I won't wake up. But then I hear it. Small footsteps. So very light. I'm positive I only hear the footsteps because I'm teetering on the edge of life and death. Everything seems louder right now. I don't know if it's the life and death thing, or the tracker jacker poison, or the fever, or something else. They get closer. I know it isn't the careers, they make tons of noise when walking, this is very light. It's not the boy from 11, I doubt it's Katniss. Maybe it's dead relative coming to get me. But then I see her.
"Come to finish me off, sweetheart?" I don't care at this point if she gets offended at that particular term of endearment. I really don't care about anything anymore. My inhibitions are so low I'm thinking of just telling her everything I have ever wanted to say. Well, Katniss is almost stepping on me and she can't find me. So I hid myself well. She whispers, "Peeta? Where are you?" She inches closer and nearly steps on my leg. The good one. "Well, don't step on me." I open my eyes then and she jumps back. She is surprised at how well I'm camouflaged. I do my best to muster up a smile, but I'm sure my face looks weird. She asks me to close my eyes again, and she tells me that my cake decorating really paid off. Well, I should hope so. That's pretty much all I have to work with. I come up with, "Yes. Frosting. The final defense of the dying."
"You're not going to die." She tells me firmly. Yes, I am going to die. I already would be if she hadn't come to find me. "Says who?" She can't possibly know I won't die. She's probably just saying that to make me feel better in my last moments. "Says me, we're on the same team now, you know." Yes, I know, but I am still going to die. I don't tell her that, no sense telling her that. "So I heard. Nice of you to find what's left of me." I'm so out of it, I'm not sure if I'm acting like a wuss or like a jerk, but I'm sure it's at least one of them. She doesn't seem bothered by it. Shocker.
First, she makes me drink out of her water bottle. I don't refuse, I am thirsty. I may as well drink something. "Did Cato cut you?" She asks me. "Left leg. Up high." I tell her. She makes an attempt to drag my limp body into the stream to wash off the mud and pond scum, that have know been caked on so long they've become one with my skin. I wonder how badly I must reek right now. I probably smell like Haymitch's pits after a long summer of heavy drinking and no showers. This thought makes me laugh and Katniss looks at me like she doesn't know why in the world I'd be laughing right now. When I stop laughing, I tell her, "Lean down a minute first. Need to tell you something." She leans down, but she's guarded. "Remember, we're madly in love, so it's alright to kiss me anytime you feel like it." I can't believe I said that. I laugh some more. A few weeks ago, I couldn't even muster up a simple "Hello, how are you today?" The few times she brought bread from us, Riley would do the talking.
I remember once, it was just me, and Gale wasn't with her. She brought some coins up to our bread stand, and looked like she was waiting for me to ask her those words. "Hello, how are you today?" But all I could come up with was, "Nice squirrel." She was carrying a squirrel in her game sack. "Uh, thanks? I'll take that one." She said, pointing to a loaf. I handed it to her, and when she put the coins in my hand, I dropped them on the stand. "Sorry," I muster. She looks at me as if to ask why I'd be sorry. She just tries to smile and walks away.
Now, a year or so later, I just flat out tell her to kiss me. She won't, and that's one of the reasons I wasn't afraid to ask. But the main reason is because I may as well give it a shot, since I'm dying anyway. At first I expect her to slap me. She won't do that though, not when I'm in this condition. Then, I expect her to ignore it and pretend she didn't hear me. But I was thoroughly surprised when she jerked her head back and laughed. What's so funny about it? "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind." I am sure she said she'd keep it in mind for the sake of the audience. Can't blame me for trying.
She does her best to drag me to the stream, but I'm so weak now that I can't move on my own. Not only am I crying out in pain and drawing attention to us-Cato and Clove will target she and I first, I'm sure- but I feel my leg wound reopening. Warm blood flows freely again. I think there is no way I'll survive now. I'm already on the edge of death, with more blood loss? There's no way…So when she suggests she roll me into the stream, I agree. Why not? If the pain gets to be too much I can just drown myself. "Okay," she says after only getting me a few inches away from the stream, "I'm not going to put you all the way in." So much for drowning myself.
The blood doesn't flow as much as I thought it would, and thirty minutes go by and I am feeling the way I was before. She tells me to keep an eye on the woods while she drenches me in water. When she dumps enough water on me, she begins to unzip my jacket. I have to admit my weak heart does beat slightly faster when she takes my jacket off, then my shirt, then my undershirt she cuts away. She looks at the tracker jacker sores on my body, and uses all her strength to prop me up against a rock. I guess I didn't get all the stingers, which is surprising, because normally it would kill you. I got two, but I didn't notice the sting under my ear, and one on my chest I pulled out only part of it. She is sure to get the rest of the stingers out, then puts stuff on the oozing, inflamed, sting areas. I must look absolutely irresistible right now, what with my smell, my messed up hair, my muddy body, and those disgusting pockets of venom. Not to mention I'm sure I've got blood poisoning by now. She puts her hand on my bare chest, and my heart beats quick again. She immediately goes into a first aid kit-who knows where she got it- and takes out two pills, telling me to swallow them. I know they are to bring down a fever. She must have felt I had a fever when she felt my skin. The pills won't do much good, since the fever is being caused by toxic blood. It will only be a tiny help, if it helps at all, but I swallow them anyway. Won't hurt.
When she asks if I'm hungry, I realize that I'm not. I actually haven't thought about food since the day Cato cut my leg. I've been so close to dying that my body began shutting down. I probably didn't need food. How many days ago was that that Cato cut my leg? Two? Three? Four? Who knows. I've been half gone the whole time. "Not really, it's funny, I haven't been hungry for days." The look on her face tells me that's not good. That's fine, I already knew that. "Peeta, we need to get some food in you." I want to say no, but the look on her face is hard to say no too. She's pleading with me to eat something. Instead of just turning up my nose and looking away, I tell her, "It'll just come right back up." Which is true, my body doesn't have the strength to digest anything right now. I'm surprised the water hasn't come back up. She forces me to eat a few dried apples. I do my best to keep it down, and surprisingly, I don't throw it up at least not yet. "Thanks, I'm much better, really. Can I go to sleep now, Katniss?" It's kind of a lie. I'm not really feeling better, I just don't want to eat anymore. I actually want to die so she can just leave me be and go on and win this thing already. She's got this. Then, I do feel better, if not physically, emotionally. I can die knowing that she has forgiven me. "Soon," she tells me. "I need to get a look at your leg first."
She removes my boots, my socks and my pants next. I'm down to only my undershorts now, and I'm freezing. The fever, no doubt. She sees my leg, then immediately looks away, towards the forest. "Pretty bad, huh?"
"So-So." She mentions that she's seen worse. That's slightly comforting. At least I'm not the most repulsive person in the world. "First thing is to clean it well." Good luck with that. It's a huge gaping hole. I can tell she is considering removing my undershorts. They are also caked with mud, and pus. It's probably for the best. Can't say I'd mind if she did. It's not like we would do anything anyway. It's just to clean everything up. In the end, she leaves them on. She suggests giving my leg some air. "And then you'll patch it up?" I ask her. "That's right. In the meantime, you eat these." I don't want to eat. Still, I take the dried pears and just suck on one for now.
She spends awhile bringing out the tracker jacker poison with some leaves. All her practice with different herbs beyond the fence have paid off in more ways than one. I am starting to feel better now that the poison is gone. But unfortunately the blood poisoning will get me eventually. She's busy getting the rest of the poison out. I want so desperately to ask her if she is mad at me, or what she thought when she saw me with the careers. "Katniss?" She pauses with what she's doing, and looks up. She meets my gaze. This is the first time we've ever held eye contact for more than a millisecond. It sends a rush of blood to my head, and I instead of asking her what I planned, I come out with, "How about that kiss?" She laughs even harder this time. Either she thinks the idea of kissing me is so ridiculous that it's funny….or…there's a small chance that it is actually a nervous laugh. I am hoping for the latter. "Something wrong?" She avoids the question. "I… I'm no good at this. I'm not my mother. I've no idea what I'm doing and I hate pus." I smile. Katniss, the girl who was on fire, the one who runs from nothing, the one who doesn't take any crap from anyone, the one who stays strong when no one else can…finally opens up to me and admits that she doesn't know what she's doing. She's been playing everything off so well up until now that I was starting to believe she knew exactly what she was doing, even if I knew better. For her, admitting that she didn't have control over a situation left her vulnerable. The fact that she admitted that she didn't know what she was doing told me that she is beginning to trust me. I didn't get kissed, but this was good too. "How do you hunt?"
"Killing is easier than this. Although for all I know, I may be killing you." I'm already dying, sweetheart. "Can you speed it up a little?" I say to annoy her. I think it's fun. "No, shut up and eat your pears." I put a hand to my hand to say, "Yes ma'am!" Then I realize that I have the feeling back in my hands and my feet.
"What's next, Dr. Everdeen?" She puts some burn ointment on the cut, which stings a little, then wraps it up. Again, she considers removing my shorts. "Here, cover yourself with this while I wash your shorts." I'm already on a roll, so I say, "Oh, I don't care if you see me."
"You're just like the rest of my family. I care, all right?" I take my shorts off and toss them in the current. I actually do feel much better. If I didn't have blood poisoning, I'd probably live. I don't think Katniss notices that I have blood poisoning yet, and I don't have the heart to tell her. "You know, you're kind of squeamish for such a lethal person. I wish I'd have let you give Haymitch a shower after all." She winces, before asking me what Haymitch has sent me so far. Which is nothing. I tell her I didn't receive anything. She tells me she got burn medicine and bread. "I always knew you were his favorite."
"Please, he can't even stand to be in the same room with me."
"Because you're just alike." She doesn't respond, and my eyes are getting heavy, I am relieved when I can finally sleep.
Katniss wakes me up a little after she's finished washing my clothes and cleaning her supplies. She tells me we're too out in the open, and we have to move. As much as I hate it, I know we have to move. I struggle, and finally am able to stand up. With her help, I make it, barely, about 50 yards downstream. She finds a rock formation that could easily be made into a makeshift shelter. You walk down a few steps, and then, to the left, is the cave opening. There's a slab of rock about the size of a king bed. I lean my back against he wall and watch Katniss try to make a cover to disguise it. She fails miserably several times, and she gets more frustrated every time. I am doing the best I can not to laugh, but it's hilarious. Finally, she's got a cover up well enough. An animal won't find us but a tribute might know someone had crafted it. I just want her to rest. I don't think we'll be found anytime soon. "Katniss?" I say. The last two times I said her name that way, I asked her to kiss me, so I am surprised when she comes over to me and brushes the hair out of my eyes. Her touch is electrifying. Every part of me feels more alive, but when her hand leaves my face the feeling goes also. But when she brushes the hair out of my eyes, I catch her glance again. We're staring into each other's eyes again, and I want to kiss her, but I don't think she wants me to. Though, that look…I don't know. I've never seen my mom look at my dad that way, and they're married. I don't know what the gleam in her eyes means. "Thanks for finding me." She smiles. A real, genuine smile, not a fake smile, or a half-smile, or a sly smirk. I made her smile, finally. "You would have found me if you could." That is definitely true. Had I been well enough, I would have found her and teamed up with her immediately. She puts her hand on my forehead to feel my temperature, and suddenly, her smile turns to a frown. She looks worried, and I know why. She feels the fever is active. It's either the same or higher than before. I think she finally realizes that there is a very real chance that I will die. "Yes. Look, if I don't make it back-" I said, if for her benefit. She smiles again to joke with me, but it's a worried smile. "Don't talk like that, I didn't drain all that pus for nothing."
"I know, but just in case I don't…"
"No, Peeta, I don't even want to discuss it." I see pain in her eyes and hear it in her voice. Is she afraid to see me die, or afraid of going back home without me? Or does she really care about me? She puts her hand on my lips. There it is again, the electricity. "But I…" Then, it happens. She replaces her hand with her lips. For a moment, I think I'm hallucinating. In the middle of the kiss I think of pinching myself to be sure it's real. The electricity returns. This time, it feels like a volt straight to my heart. My chest feels the way it does after a long run. My heart is beating so fast I feel like it might just stop. Then, as quick as it begun, it was over. She pulls back.
I'm still in la-la-land from the kiss, so I don't notice anything until all of a sudden the sleeping bag is around me, and she tells me, "You're not going to die. I forbid it, all right?" I can't say I'm going to die anymore. I feel more alive than ever. "All right."
I am woken up by her kissing me again. Again, it doesn't seem real. The girl who I could never talk to but desperately wanted to. The one who could sing so well that the birds stopped to listen. The one who I've risked my life for. The one I took a beating for. She was kissing me. She was kissing me, and not Gale. All of a sudden I feel a little bad for Gale. I know how I would feel if she were kissing him. I hope he isn't watching. It's mandatory to watch, but still, I hope he isn't watching. "Peeta! Look what Haymitch sent you!" She says, presenting me with something I can actually stomach. It's a pot of hot broth. About time, drunk ass.