Openings
"Hi Geoff," Jack said sleepily.
Geoff entered the room and spent several minutes talking about the house and garden. Jack sat up and made himself comfortable. They exchanged pleasantries, mostly about the weather when Geoff put his hand in his pocket and pulled out three balls.
"You know, I've always wanted to juggle," he said throwing the balls around. He started with one, then added another trying to establish a rhythm then introduced the third.
"Years I've tried; even my ten-year-old had tried to teach me." His words were punctuated by his efforts as he either dropped one of the balls or all three flew off in different directions. Jack smiled at his efforts as Geoff swore aloud as he struggled to get his co-ordination. Then he threw one at Jack followed by the other. "Okay then, you have a go."
"Smart bastard," Geoff said as Jack showed his prowess then threw each ball back at Geoff, who caught each one and placed two back in his pocket but retained one. "When was the last time you had some fun?" He threw the ball at Jack, who caught it instinctively surprised.
He thought for a moment, then threw it back. "Define fun." Jack hefted the ball. Geoff caught it then threw the ball back to Jack who caught it with both hands then threw it back without thinking.
"Play, letting everything go, type of fun?" Jack caught the ball and held it.
"Not for a while," he said quietly then lugged the ball back.
"Define awhile? Geoff threw it back. Jack looked at him as he now held the ball.
"You know this wasn't what I was expecting." He tossed the ball using an overhand throw which caused Geoff to almost fumble the catch.
"What where you expecting?"
"I'm not sure but this wasn't it."
"You mean two grown men playing catch…" He saw Jack smile.
"Oh were you expecting me to ask you to lay on a sofa, or bed in this case, and you would open up and start bearing all your deepest darkest secrets, while I sit here and look pensive and say things like 'sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,' or ask you questions like, 'tell me about your mother,' that sort of thing?" He saw Jack nod then took a breath.
"So fun" he added after several moments.
"You know what Geoff? I can't think it's been that long, but I guess I'm having fun right now," Jack said he saw Geoff smile and threw the ball back.
"Only guess?" Geoff teased as Jack smiled as Geoff tossed the ball his way.
"I am having fun," Jack admitted.
"That's good because I figured things are serious enough. Firstly I've been summoned by the mighty Time Lord, the Doctor, in his TARDIS," he put his hand over his mouth as an aside, "And a mighty fine nifty manner of conveyance she is too." He straightened up and deepened his voice. "Summoned along with his oh so serious sidekick the brave and fearless Martha Jones, the long faced Doctor Harper, with the delightful Miss Sato, to rescue Captain Jack from the terrible circumstances he finds himself in. But that is not why I am here."
"Oh," was all Jack could say perplexed.
"You don't need rescuing Jack. From what I can see you've done a mighty fine job of that yourself. . . Your friends, colleagues, and associates told me all about you. Jack the hero of the Valiant, Leader of Torchwood. You are Captain Jack Harkness, a dashing hero, who will face down any enemy, regardless of the odds race in to save the day,. He makes the tough decisions no one else can stomach and then carries them through." He watched the effect of his words on Jack. "I tell you Jack, I've met him; he came crashing into my life, wearing a grey coat, sidearm on his hip. Refusing to take no for an answer, faced with the unthinkable he found a way to overcome all obstacles. He fought a multitude of battles and overcame distrust, to rescue the man he loved more than his own life and I suspect his own soul. He faced down professional scepticism - mainly me - and with great fortitude and purpose as Captain Harkness always does and won."
"No, I'm here for a much different reason." He paused then hefted the ball. "I'm here for Jack the man, and as much as I think Captain Harkness won the odd battle, there is a war which is I believe is ongoing which Jack the man has had to face on a daily if nor hourly basis." His voice became softer as he saw Jack sink back a little and he allowed a few moments to pass before he spoke again.
"Before we go any further we need to set some ground rules. Firstly, anything you say here stays here. However I do ask permission to ask for insights from your friends. I should also tell you I consulted with them as part of my homework for seeing you today. However those insights would be general only and would contain no specifics. If I do need to share anything in any detail I will always ask your permission first. Is there anything you would like to add or change?" He saw Jack look at his hands shaking his head.
"Great, if you think of something we can always change this but my rules are absolute in terms of confidentiality; nothing you tell me in here will he shared. I have spoken to Tosh and she has given me a special programme, an encryption matrix that will make it impossible for anyone to gain access other than myself to any notes I commit electronically. Secondly, I think we need to clear up a misconception. I'm not here to give you the answers, or tell you what to do because you already have those answers yourself, it's my bet you've known the answers for some time." He saw Jack become still. "My role here is to help you conceptualise those answers into ways in which you can apply them. One final thing: I know you only agreed to see me because you thought it would help Ianto, which is a very noble offer, and fits in with the heroic mantle you wear but..."
"There is always a but," Jack interrupted wearily under his breath.
"I'm here for you. Not for Ianto, not for Owen, Tosh, Martha, or the Doctor," he said bluntly. He now threw a second ball at Jack who, off guard, only just managed to catch it.
"I want this to be a time for you, without their expectations, or any notions of you doing your duty by them, or your love of Ianto." He saw his words' effects as he saw Jack become still.
"This is hard," he let out a breath and then threw the ball at Geoff a little harder than he realised.
"There is no easy way out of this," Geoff admitted to him.
"I just need to rest?"
"I agree," Geoff said as Jack looked at him blinking.
"One of the hypotheses that make a great deal of sense suggests some of your current predicament is physical. I suspect the longer you go without being killed or dying will over time increase your stamina. I am sure that the time it takes for you to revive after any given death will shorten considerably," he said straight-faced as he saw Jack's jaw lock.
"In what way do you think you current lifestyle will benefit from being able to revive more quickly?" Geoff asked after several moments passed.
"There is none, because I don't plan to die or be killed, " he replied sheepishly.
"So what do you want?"
"I want my life back, not the Torchwood hero, life." He looked at Geoff. "I want a life with Ianto, here and now."
"How is rest helping?"
"I thought it would. I've been telling myself for months all I need is rest. I guess part of me knows rest is only going to solve part of this."
"That's reasonable; Ianto is hard work; even now he needs direction, supervision and reassurance. Part of being a carer of someone in Ianto's circumstance is fatiguing. It comes from the constancy of care. So what's the other part?" Geoff asked as he threw a ball at Jack who picked it up and heaved it back, missing Geoff and striking the window with a thud. Several moments passed as they threw the ball; at each throw it was clear Jack was putting more and more energy into each throw.
"Can you put a sound to this?" Geoff encouraged.
"No."
"How about a volcanic explosion?" Geoff offered after several more throws.
"Only if the explosion is me screaming at myself," Jack retorted back then stopped as he realised what he had said
"What is about yourself you feel you need to be angry about?"
Jack caught the ball one-handed. "I'm stronger than this. Captain Jack is stronger than this." he threw back with force.
"Captain Jack is strong enough to survive torture, pain, deprivation and evil? What happened, and make no doubt about it Jack, was evil and you were strong," he reflected.
"Yeah he is strong enough," Jack replied, raising his voice.
"So why are so angry?"
Jack stopped his arm raised in mid throw.
"You said you were angry at yourself for not being stronger." He saw Jack staring at him, blinking as he put his arm down.
"I did," Jack bit his lip. Several long moments passed before Jack replied. "Strong enough to hold back... to …" he looked at Geoff then threw the ball his way. "Hold onto, deal with…" He looked exasperated.
'Where is Jack in all this?"
"Jack?"
"You said Captain Jack, not Jack?" Geoff reminded him.
Staring at Geoff Jack made a connection. "I'm angry at myself for being human?"
"You tell me. Captain Jack's a hero; a persona. Jack's a humans being. A person, like the rest of us, who forgets things, and makes mistakes." He saw Jack blanch and put what he had observed away for future reference. "Has bad hair days, makes impulse purchases, forgets to put petrol in the car, locks themselves out of the house, goes grocery shopping and puts forty things in their trolley but forgets to buy the one thing they went in for. Gets speeding tickets…"
"I should have been able to cope," Jack interjected.
"Well when you say cope what do you mean?"
"Cope as in handle," Jack replied almost as a sneer as if the answer should be obvious.
'Is that what you do? Handle things by coping, and that means you should be okay?" Geoff raised an eyebrow.
"I've coped in the past."
"And what exactly have you had to cope with?"
"This was not the first time I've been tortured. I've coped," he corrected himself. "I managed to deal with it each and every time."
"How?" Geoff asked him directly and Jack closed his eyes and swallowed.
"I just did."
"Would it be fair so say in the past you used avoidance?"
"Well, maybe avoidance is a way of coping. I cope by putting aside the events as a way of allowing myself to continue on, therefore I cope," Jack declared.
"You are quite right. Many survivors of torture use avoidance to cope with the aftermath." Jack blinked then looked thoughtful then nodded to himself. "So how does this work? How have you applied this strategy to your own ordeal?" He saw Jack fold in on himself a little. "Tell me about an average week at Torchwood Cardiff before all this happened. Start at the beginning of the week, say a Sunday night, and take me through."
Jack lent back. "Sunday nights, I monitor the Rift; check nothing is coming through. Do some paperwork, there's normally a huge pile; Ianto used to organise this for me. However there are some reports only I can do. Deal with any minor incidents, which mean I race out sort out any incursions. One or two Weevils I can handle on my own. Can be a bit messy but after hours I try and deal with as much as possible on my own because I like to encourage the others to try and have a life outside the Hub. Get back to the Hub, incarcerate any new residents, and clean up the SUV. Ianto," he stopped and corrected himself, "the others have so much to do I can at least clean up after myself and getting bloodstains off seats is best done before the blood dries. Write up the report…" Geoff sat back and listened as Jack reeled off his list of activities, which were a whirlwind of seemingly never-ending events. He began to wonder how Jack had managed to forge such a strong relationship with Ianto; from what he gathered Ianto had stayed over a lot.
"So anything else?" Geoff checked.
"No, come Sunday then we start all over again," Jack admitted.
"And you live in the Hub as the person on call 24 hours a day and sometimes Ianto joined you?" Jack nodded in agreement. "Would it be fair assessment to say you were a workaholic, someone who found it difficult to just sit still?" Geoff asked,
"So how did you recharge?" he asked as Jack pulled his lower lip deep thought had not replied.
"I like tall buildings. I would often go and take some time out enjoy a dawn, or sunset, or the stars."
"How often?"
"Occasionally."
"How occasionally?"
Jack pouted at the question. "Once or twice?" he admitted.
"A week, month, day..." Geoff raised an eyebrow.
"A month," Jack admitted.
"So once or twice a monthyou would take a few hours and go sit on a tall building taking some time out," Geoff reflected back and saw Jack looking at him. "Would it be fair to say you loved the frantic nature of how you go from one activity to the other...?"
"Yeah, being busy, it's great." He looked at Geoff as he realised where this was going.
"Continually working is one way of using avoidance as a coping strategy, you fill your life with endless activity because if you stop even for a moment..." he left the remainder of the sentence unsaid.
"That was before you went, what about when you returned?" he saw all the blood leave Jack's face and bite his bottom lip so he got up and sat next to the bed to find Jack was shivering.
"So this time was different?" He nudged gently and saw Jack nod.
"Ianto was gone. Everyone was angry at me for disappearing; all of them made it clear how displeased they were. I found it difficult to keep my focus," he said mildly. "I threw myself back into work, to just keep moving… there was a lot to catch up on, and I needed to re-establish myself not just with my team but outside agencies."
"Ianto being gone; how was that?" Jack looked at him with haunted eyes as the question caught him by surprise and his mouth opened but found it impossible to speak.
Geoff watched as he saw him shrink in on himself and realised he has strayed into an area that Jack was not ready to deal with so he changed tactics. "So you used avoidance; you threw yourself back into the role but you said you had difficulty coping."
"Could anyone?" Jack snapped. "Okay, I had nightmares, I was jumpy, loud noises, crowds, I had difficulty concentrating. I would be fine and then without warning I would be filled with this overwhelming panic, break out in cold sweat. I started trying to avoid places, people, and things that would set me off but nothing helped. I spent a lot of time trying to fill every moment of every day…I hated being left on my own. If I was left on my own I was in the shower, mainly because it made the blood and brains easier to clean up. I can't tell you how many times over the next few months I killed myself. Only because it was the only time I could find any moment of blessed oblivion. I needed it, anything to give myself some relief. Especially after… I had to clean up his flat, go through his stuff. Found he loved me as much as I loved him. His diary, his words, knowing he was lost, what I had lost. I could find no peace, I laid in his bed, wrapped up, surrounded by memories. It was like I had this hole in side of me filled with nothing but agony… and all I needed, all I wanted was him." He broke down.
"And then you found him." Geoff stood and handed Jack some tissues.
"Yeah." Jack wiped his hand over his face to clear his tears.
"I want to keep our focus on you Jack. How bad was this by the time you turned up that day at the institute?"
"Bad."
"Can you give me an example?" He saw Jack let out a slow breath.
"Constant; Ianto's night room, the bars on the windows, the worst was the day of Ianto's meltdown, as we walked to the room where he was. I had to fight every step of the way, not to lose it. At one point I swear the walls were moving in" He shuddered. "That night with Ianto, I think I blacked out for a while. It continued on and on." Geoff kept his expression neutral as Jack spoke
"So the whole time before you left with Ianto, what about after?"
"Here too, but it eased a bit being away from the institute. The garden certainly helped. Ianto started to make improvements, but it returned full force. I remember coming to lying on the floor screaming."
"And then?" He noted Jack looked away.
"I made a decision. I couldn't take it anymore. Ianto needed me, I couldn't fail him. I was on my own here. I had to do something."
"So what you're telling me is you found a way to block the PTSD?"
Jack shook his head and let out a huge breath and knew he had no choice but to explain. "When I was a Time Agent we had this technique to suppress memories. It's a form of mental discipline. Over the following days after I broke down, I used this to suspend them in a place where they could not cause me to break down. The PTSD is still there it's just more manageable; more of a distraction rather than overwhelming."
'Until you dropped dead of a heart attack caused by stress,' Geoff thought as he raised an eyebrow. "Can you access them?"
Jack shook his head. "No and I don't want to. This is my greatest fear Geoff, that you will persuade me to release my control. I can't anyway. So don't ask," he burst out.
"Why would I ask you to stop using something that has kept you sane?" he pointed out bluntly and saw Jack almost sink with relief and look at him wide eyed.
"I swore I was not going to tell you this. I laid here and vowed the last thing I would tell you was this."
"As I said you rescued yourself, that journey to this point is one you have made on your own. I'm not going to fault or begrudge you the choices you made to helped you get here."
"Thank you."
"I think we've done enough today. I think we both need time to think over what was said here, but before I go, I want to share something with you. No victim of torture comes out unscathed and every single one of them finds a way to deal with the trauma. Yours is unusual but not as surprising as you might think." He paused. "You look exhausted. I'll send up Tosh with some lunch. Get a good rest and I will see you in two days. While I'm gone I want you to do some homework. You said what you wanted was a life with Ianto. Over the next couple of days I want you to list down in detail what you mean, be specific."
Geoff stood and picked up the balls. "I'd leave them Jack but it's not like you need the practice." With this final comment he left.
Jack lay back and listened through the open door as Tosh tried to persuade him to take a couple of cakes delivered by an ongoing stream of well-wishers and closing his eyes felt hope rise in his chest for the first time in a long time.