Authors Note: Due to the length of this chapter there will be no post mid-week.
However I will be posting my Reel Torchwood fiction tomorrow.
Up and about.
Opening the TARDIS door Geoff was surprised to be greeted by Jack.
"It's good to see you up and about," he said slapping Jack on the shoulder as he stepped out.
"You've come such a long way, the least I could do was get out of bed and walk twenty five feet. And as today is one of my rare good days, I thought I would make an effort," Jack told him and stumbled. Geoff caught his arm.
"Might need some help getting back though," he joked.
"I get the impression that sometimes the Doctor doesn't always have complete control where the TARDIS lands? I'm never quite sure where we will end up. We land in the garden and other times here in the lane."
Jack laughed as they walked slowly back to the house. "I have often had this feeling that the TARDIS has her own ideas and as such operates from a different set of priorities, so he often ends up in some surprising places," Jack added.
"She?"
"All ships are women, and she does require very delicate handling." He saw a look of comprehension grow on Geoff's face.
"Ahhh that explains why he caresses the console and appears to treat her like she is a treasured individual rather than a vehicle. I would say the touching, is almost sexual."
"Are you suggesting that the Doctor and the TARDIS are in a relationship?" Jack stopped to look at Geoff.
"You know Jack sometimes a cigar is just and cigar and sometimes it is not," Geoff joked.
"As I think about it he does argue with her in a way that suggest she's more than just a conveyance and I can confirm she purrs if stroked just right," Jack admitted.
"Are you telling me you seduced the TARDIS?"
Jack stopped and put his hand over his heart. "I just noticed that she tended to operate better under certain circumstances if stroked... she's very tactile. I could swear at one point she hummed with delight."
"Jack, you are incorrigible."
Geoff smiled as they walked down the lane enjoying how relaxed they were now in each other's company. His meeting the TARDIS meant Jack was finally showing evidence that he was moving forward and he had regained a modicum of energy. So far they had talked a lot about Jack's past but were yet to touch on the year that never was. Jack was a great story teller and Geoff had found himself many times drawn into these tales. On guard he was well aware of Jack's ability to detract from core issues and used them to allow Jack to examine those events on a deeper level. They had led to Jack gaining some insight into his life and allowed both of them to build a foundation of trust that would be needed for Jack to open up.
Now they had built a foundation, his purpose today was to steer Jack back to his admittance he was suppressing his memories.
He was sure this suppression was a major factor contributing to Jack's fatigue and the lessening of the effects of the PTSD he was suffering. He didn't for one moment believe that this had become a mere distraction as Jack had claimed. Jack had died of a heart attack caused by the stress of dealing with the overwhelming physical effects of PTSD. Jack was a master at playing down the severe nature of what he was experiencing and today it was his plan they start to tackle this very delicate topic.
"I will never get used the weather here. One moment it's beautiful but getting ready to blow up a gale, and yet within an half an hour it will be raining, followed by hail." He took a view down the lane as they neared the cottage.
"You should ask Ianto to tell you about the day it went through every possible variation including snow."
"Where is he today?" Geoff asked.
"With David Morgan. He spends his time examining all the farm machinery; they have a tractor, you know. He helps with any maintenance, and feeds the animals. It also gives Marian Morgan a chance to feed him up with her maple syrup and walnut loaf." He smiled.
"He doesn't need feeding up. If any more cakes come through that door you'll be able to open your own bakery," Geoff commented. "By the way my wife thanks you, for both the carrot and chocolate cakes; they were divine." Geoff said as they heard the TARDIS de-materialised behind them.
Reaching the door to the cottage, Jack took a moment to recover then busied himself making them both a hot drink.
"Tea or coffee?" Jack called out.
"Tea," Geoff replied as he took the opportunity to look around the lounge. In the past four weeks, he had only walked through on his way upstairs. He marvelled at what a perfect environment this was for Ianto. It was one thing to read Jack's monthly reports; another to actually visit.
He picked up the stuffed dragon that was sitting on one of the armchairs. So this was the famous Myfanwy; she was in almost perfect condition, evidence of Ianto's care for those things he valued. He placed her back in the same position and moved to the desk.
He went through the items ensuring he kept them in order. He came across his Open University assignment, just returned with a mark of 'A+', and the word 'outstanding' written across the front. This was a perfect example of the dichotomy that made up Ianto. His intellectual ability when it came to maths was impressive and yet in terms of the issues that plagued him he still has a long way to go.
His biggest difficulty was he could not express in words what he wanted to say; it was like that part of his mind had been disconnected. His emotional development was on the same par. He could feel something intensely but not express how he felt in any vocabulary. Jack had done well to divert this expression into drawing, and Myfanwy had certainly helped. Both outlets had been very beneficial along with the fabric emotions. Jack had learnt early on that how Myfanwy was feeling was often in direct correlation to what was going on for Ianto. Another curious aspect was that Ianto often had insights from the toy. There had been many instances where he had found clarity and attributed them to her. He had concluded that Ianto had projected a part of his mind into her, and the conversations he had with her (which were in effect conversations with himself) allowed him to work things through.
He moved now to admire Ianto's art work and started to remove the layers of drawings from the board to admire them. There were butterflies, birds, and flowers from the garden. He reached the final layer and his attention was immediately drawn to one picture. He took out the pins to examine it more closely.
If he was reading this correctly the blue box was the TARDIS. The grey blob was now a man in blue grey coat, wearing a backpack and running towards it. He tried to think if Jack had mentioned this in any of his reports. He would need to check but he was sure there had been no update on this. As part of Ianto's obsession, the sheer volume of work and its clear importance had been obvious when he was at the institute. It was more surprising considering the details that went into Jack's reports that it had not been included. He started to put the drawings back as Jack appeared and held out a mug.
"Jack, over the past two weeks we've touched on many areas of your life today I would like us to return us to a topic we touched on during my first visit. You told me that you've been using a form of mind suppression technique which you were taught as Time Agent." He took the drink and they both sat at opposite end of the sofa. "I have a theory about your fatigue but before I share this with you I need to gain an understanding about how this works," he stated cautiously.
Jack sat back and closed his eyes. He knew they would come back to this and felt a tremor of fear as an internal debate raged. He could not stop, did not want to stop, and worst still didn't know how to stop. He opened his eyes and glanced at Geoff. He had to tell him something, and felt himself calm as he made a decision. There was only one way to proceed; he would give a reply to the question as it had been asked, it was close to the truth anyway.
"It's a mind control discipline, which began in our first year of training. As we advanced each level of training we would get to strengthen and practice the skills needed."
"How does the technique work?" He noted Jack looked uncertain, and Geoff figured there was more to this than Jack wanted to admit but right now he needed to understand the basics as he was sure this suppression at the core of Jack's fatigue.
"Jack, I'm not asking you to stop using the technique. All I am asking is for is some understanding how this works," he reassured him.
Jack took a sip of his drink then let out a slow breath and braced himself. He began to speak with deliberate slowness, "First you to create a sort of safe place in your mind. It's an image of somewhere."
"Can you be more specific?"
"A place, a safe place," Jack stuttered.
"Can you give me an example...?" Geoff stopped mid-sentence at the look on Jack's face, which was one he had not seen before. He sat back deep in thought as he observed Jack's struggle. Jack was trying to reply but something within him was preventing this.
"Apologies," he realised what the issue was. "Part of the process was that the details of your own special place were protected within yourself, for your and its protection?" he reflected and saw Jack sit back in relief and nod. "Okay so let me paraphrase for you: you create a space or place that is unique to you, somewhere you consider completely protected and safe." Jack nodded. "Can you tell me a little about some of the ideas that were expressed to help you create this?" He saw Jack shake his head so decided another tack.
"I use a visualization technique, which sounds similar; it's a form of relaxation and I talk about making the ultimate safe place, cave, beach, forest; is what you did similar?" Jack nodded and he placed his hand on Jack's knee to reassure him. "How does that work?"
"It is the ultimate safe place. It is vital it be as detailed as possible. No-one can get in or out except yourself. You surround it with as much protection you can, layer upon layer. As Time Agents once it's fully realised with all the protection it becomes embedded in your mind," Jack replied as if each word was being wrestled from him.
"As a permanent feature?" Jack nodded. "I'm curious; how long did it take to perfect this?"
"Four years, you couldn't fully qualify as a time agent without achieving this. It was vital considering our work. You are hoping in and out of different eras, the potential for capture is always there."
"How does that work with memories?"
"The memory part is different. This means putting memories in that safe place, where they can be locked away; like a safe and you have the key."
"Tell me a time when you used both?" Geoff asked.
"It was my second year as a Time Agent, my partner John and I were on assignment. Things went wrong and I was abducted."
"Can you be more specific?" Geoff watched as Jack took a gulp from his mug.
"It wasn't pleasant, there was no physical beating but they injected me with this compound that gave me an enhanced pain response. They started by attaching my…" he took a sharp intake of breath, "and applied energy. It was extremely unpleasant." Jack grimaced.
"How long was it before you were rescued?" Geoff balked at Jack's mild description of what sounded like some form of electro-shock torture, possibly to the genitals.
"I think it was eight days. Afterwards I was a wreck; I found it hard to concentrate and I kept getting flashbacks. I used the first technique during, then the second directly after, so we could complete the mission."
"What happened afterwards, once the mission was over?"
"In what way?"
"What happened to the memories, the suppressed ones?"
"Once the mission was complete and we were back on our ship, my partner John released the memories," Jack told him not sure of what he was being asked.
"Then what happened?"
"We went on to our next assignment," Jack replied as he furrowed his brow.
"Sorry I'm not being clearer Jack. What help were you given to deal with the memories that were suppressed."
"I, I just dealt with it," Jack replied. He saw Geoff's face crease.
"What about when you got back to the Time Agency? Was there a debrief or some form of support?" He saw Jack shrug.
"Not that I recall, we got back and…" Jack paused. "And we were reassigned a new mission and off we went." Geoff took a deep breath in disgust at the negligence and wondered how many Time Agents suffered mentally and had breakdowns due to their failure to offer any support.
"How many more times did you use this technique?"
"To be honest I can't recall… a lot… I utilised it many times, including, including …" Jack left the sentence incomplete as he swallowed heavily.
"So both are short term measures, which you could use in an emergency when required," Geoff reflected as he saw Jack nod.
He took a sip of his tea before he continued." Was it ever intended to be used to suppress the level of abuse you experience on the Valiant?" he asked.
Jack sat deep in thought. "To be completely honest I have no idea. In the past, I've used it one technique more than the other. The first is difficult to use because it removes part of your mind to another space. In combat or in any situation you need to keep fully aware so it's usefulness is limited. However, I've used the suppression many times to deal with situations then later released the memories at another time."
"If I can just clarify," Geoff looked at Jack. "You have used this technique to suppress your memories?"
"Yes."
"However this time you used it to suppress your memories permanently?" Jack nodded.
"I think I might have an answer to why your fatigue is so extreme," Geoff saw Jack raise an eyebrow at his pronouncement. "From what you've told me the memory suppression was only ever intended to be a short term fix, something that would help you in, for example, the situation you described. The first enabled you to block the immediacy of the torture; the second to concentrate on the task at hand until it was over. Once the mission was complete you unsuppressed the memories and dealt with the consequences at a more convenient time." Geoff took a breath. "This time, faced with the overwhelming nature of the ordeal, you used the second technique in an attempt to suppress your memories permanently. The experience was so extreme HH the effort of suppressing them is using every ounce of energy you have." He watched the effect of his explanation on Jack's face, it became darker as he realised the implications. "It is clear to me, unless I have misunderstood; it was never designed to be used for more than a few days, weeks at most. As a consequence the memories are breaking through in your dreams. "
Jack looked curious. "But why don't I recall them?"
"The subconscious is very complex. I suspect that as deep as the blocks you put in place are, they are not subject to the deepest part of your subconsciousness. This is because that part of the mind is something you or I have no control over. You have blocked the memories but they are all still there. If I may make an analogy: your memories are like high-grade radioactive waste. You can seal that waste in concrete several feet thick and then dump it in the deepest part of the ocean. It is out of sight but it's still just as deadly. Eventually the concrete will degrade and the waste will surface."
"Not just dreams; I've had bleed throughs," Jack said softly. " We were playing a game. Ianto was chasing me through the house with Myfanwy trying to flame me; next I was on my knees, the Master standing over me with a flame thrower. The other time…" he visibly swallowed. "It can be the smallest things, flash of light on a kitchen knife..." he petered out.
"So your control is not absolute?" He saw a momentary flash of terror cross Jack's face then shake his head. "I think that's reasonable considering the stress caused you to have a heart attack." Geoff watched and Jack looked into the now empty mug in hands.
"How do you assert this control" Geoff blinked as he saw Jack pale, his hands trembling as he fumbled the mug he was holding. Leaning over Geoff took the mug and placed it on the floor. "Is it like you said earlier? An image, like a safe with a key?" Geoff asked cautiously
"Yes...no... It's hard to explain, I can't open… Geoff, please don't ask me to," Jack burst out, a waver in his voice.
"I'm not going to. Why would I ask you to stop using something that has kept and is keeping you sane?" he reminded him of the statement made during their first discussion. "But I do want you to consider something. On my first visit, you told me what you wanted was a life with Ianto. I asked you to be more specific and you told me you wanted to spend every moment of Ianto's life with him, making him as happy as possible for him, as his lover, partner and best friend. From your list I can infer that due to your long life, you guard your heart and it is a rare event when you fall in love. It is a rare gift; something to be treasured."
"Our love for each other was surprising in ways I cannot begin to describe. I had been so long on my own." Jack looked into the distance. "After nearly forty years of one-night stands this man came crashing into my life." He paused. "I never expected to fall in love…" he drifted off. "I had put myself on hold for so long, waiting. I had made this inner pledge not to fall. I've made and used every excuse in the book to keep people at a distance, making sure I never got in too deep…"
"What was different this time?" Geoff nudged.
Jack let out a huge breath, "Ianto."
"Well Jack, to achieve the life you want and to fulfil the love you feel you need to give yourself the same gift you gave him." He sat back.
Jack looked at him, unsure about where this was going.
"Let me remind you of a conversation we had at the institute. Ianto was damaged by the same individual who did this to you. He was trapped in a nightmare, seemingly unreachable. I have no doubt over a long period of time he would have made some small improvements. I doubt he would ever have achieved the level of breakthrough he has. The chances are he would never have left. You argued with me that he was only twenty-five years old and he deserved a chance at having a life. You then created an environment that allowed him to grow into that new life. He still has to deal with the consequences of his torture now and will do for the rest of his life. What you have done is make it possible for him to live. Not just live, but heal and thrive. What I am saying is you need to give yourself that as well."
He allowed Jack come to terms with his statement. "So, have you any idea how extraordinary your mental survival is?"
"I am not so sure about that," Jack admitted.
"Once the crisis was over, you walked away and returned to your life. Have you any idea how astonishing that it is? You came out intact, intact enough to carry on…" he paused.
"I didn't, Geoff. Once I got back…I had this one thought, it had kept me going for so long... I remember thinking once I saw him, held him in my arms, I would be okay," Jack said softly.
"I think coming back and finding Ianto gone was a blow," He said softly as Jack looked a spot behind Geoff's shoulder.
"I remember standing in the Hub calling out his name… he wasn't there. I decided to wait, thinking he must be out on a mission, then I found the …" he stopped.
"Found what, Jack?"
"My note. I left a note, for him, I had been waiting so long for the Doctor, I ran out of time to tell Ianto that I might be leaving. It never seemed to be the right time; it had been so long I never expected… I saw the TARDIS, but I didn't want Ianto to think I had run out on him so I wrote a note and put it somewhere he would find it telling him I would be back."
"What happened?"
"He never found it," he said a whisper. "As far as he was concerned I left without a word, abandoning him."
"How can you know what was in Ianto's mind?"
"The others told me he spent hours analysing the CCTV footage," Jack told him. "He became withdrawn and as much as he tried to hide it they knew it had affected him."
"I think you're right. I think it was profound." Geoff handed him the drawing.
"Ever since you've been here, you've never mentioned his drawing; it's complete. It's you running towards the TARDIS." A multitude of questions flooded into Geoff's mind as Jack held the picture. If Jack was the man Ianto was looking for, had Ianto realised this? If not, had Jack told him? What had been Ianto's response? Seeing the haunted look on Jack's face he realised he needed time to think this through. He waited for Jack to regain some composure.
"He calls me the 'Man in Grey'," he said slowly, his heart pounding.
"So he has no idea you are the man in the picture?"
Jack shook his head.
"No?"
"I haven't told him."
"And he's never figured it out?" Geoff checked.
Jack shook his head and then took a deep breath. "Gift? You said I gave a gift to Ianto?" Jack asked as he went over the implications of this revelation in his mind and he tried to find a way to lead Geoff away from the black hole this represented.
"Hero Jack; racing in and saving the day. But who rescues the rescuer?" He saw Jack's lip curl into a soft smile.
"You said I didn't need rescuing."
"I did; I think Captain Jack the hero rescued himself. He got back, found the one person he needed was gone. But he dealt with it like a hero; he took a deep breath, threw on his cape, placed a sidearm on his hip and Captain Jack got on with what needed to be done. That's what heroes do. But the coat and sidearm come off and Jack the man has to deal with day to day realities, of coping. It's Jack who needs help."
"I think I know where this is going," Jack interrupted pointing a finger at him.
"And where would that be?" Geoff encouraged.
"I'm not going to do it," he stated.
"Do what?"
"You said that the reason why I have no energy is because the technique I'm using…" he closed his eyes.
"It is a way forward," Geoff pointed out.
"It's permanent, Geoff."
"We are talking about the mind here. Your power of suggestion is outstanding, but it's flawed. It's taking every ounce of energy you possess. It's causing bleed throughs and nightmares. You had a heart attack and it's robbing you of the life you have said you so desperately want."
"No!"
"Just like that."
"That's right, Geoff. The answer is no."
"So you are not open to even the idea that we could work together to slowly release some memories and deal with them, thereby restoring some of your energy?"
"You don't understand," Jack told him.
"Help me understand." He took a moment and an idea came to him. "Is this an issue of won't, or can't?"
"Both," Jack stated.
"So what you're saying is that even if you could choose to slowly release memories a fragment at a time you can't."
Jack nodded. "Geoff, to open the safe you need a key. I'm telling you I can't open the door because I don't have the key."
"Okay; lost or deliberate?"
"Both," Jack declared triumphantly.
"Okay, then I say we don't use the key. We find some other way." He saw the same look of terror he had seen earlier flood Jack's face.
"I don't know how I can express this in words…but I...I..."
Geoff heard a noise; cursing the interruption he turned to see Tosh, wide eyed with worry, holding out a mobile in her hand.
"David Morgan's on the phone. He can't find Ianto," she stated outright.