Honesty
"First I want to apologise for what happened," Geoff said to Jack who was so weak he was lying down in bed, facing Geoff who was sitting opposite him. Now the drug had worn off and he had slept non-stop for three days, then returned to his post-heart attack state as predicted. "I misread the situation," he added.
"It's okay Geoff, this was my fault. I recognised the significance of the drawing months ago but at that time who could I tell? I should have mentioned it but would you have believed me?" He saw Geoff shake his head.
"I'm here now," he said kindly.
"The drawing...it's Ianto's last memory of me running away to the TARDIS," Jack said sadly "The man in grey as he calls him was the cause of all his endless searches," he went to explain about Christmas which now made far more sense to Geoff. "He believes that he caused the man to run away from him. When he was being tortured on the Valiant he begged for the man in grey to rescue him. Rescue never came be because he believed he was being punished for whatever caused the man in grey to run from him in the first place," he became distressed.
"And the other day he saw you and the TARDIS," Geoff reflected.
"You were there, you saw what happened. Ianto tried to kill himself."
"Why have you not told him you are the man in grey?" Geoff asked gently as Jack began to shake his head.
"I can't" he replied.
"Ianto loved the man in grey. You. He's been looking for you all this time."
"I know it sounds absurd. I should just tell him but I can't do it," Jack repeated.
"I don't think it's absurd, Jack," he told him gently being careful about how he phrased the following question, because he knew the last time he had asked Jack to tell Ianto it caused Jack to collapse into a catatonic state. "You told me about Christmas and how Ianto believes that it was his fault that the man in grey left. Tell me how you handled that?" he asked.
"I told him that maybe this was his worst mistake and biggest regret. That he was so desperate for answers, that he wasn't thinking and that he should have told him he was leaving. But nothing he did caused the man in grey to run away. That had he known he was hurting in the dark he would have moved heaven and earth to rescue him."
"What was Ianto's response?"
"He asked me why I couldn't be the man in grey and he told me his biggest fear was that he loved me and he might do the bad thing again and I would leave him," he said, using the tissue Geoff handed him to blow his nose.
"Jack there's more to this…if that was all there was to this you would have told him."
"Tell him I'm the cause of his biggest heartbreak?" Jack retorted. "I'm the person who ran out on him; the love of his life, who he cried out for when he was in terrible pain and who didn't come and rescue him, who…" Jack petered out.
"What's your biggest fear here?" Geoff asked. "Well Jack, I'll give you ten out of ten for not using a diversion this time." Jack looked at him after it became clear Jack was not going to reply. "Is this a case of can't or won't reply?"
"Both," Jack replied.
"So we are back to exactly the same point we left before Ianto went missing. We can go round and round in circles Jack, but unless you talk to me I can't help. I know full well I made a terrible error in asking you to tell Ianto who you were. I cannot tell you how much I regret what happened. However on reflection I realise it was the how and timing that was out not the intent. I say this because your reaction has convinced me Ianto knowing your identity is one of the keys to what's going on here." He saw Jack go pale and knew he was on the right track.
"We have to have total honesty here. I am aware you don't want to tell me and part of your inability is caused by the conditioning developed while you were a Time Agent. But there must be a way for us to discuss this. I have a feeling somehow Ianto is tied up with all this and to help you I must understand. Help me Jack; help me understand?"
"It failed," Jack said so quietly Geoff almost missed it.
"On the Valiant all my training...it failed." Jack took a breath lent his head back on the head board and closed his eyes and gulped. "I have this fear of f-f-fire" he stuttered. "When the Master discovered this he was relentless. I knew it was only a matter of time before he broke me completely." He took a shuddered in breath. "At first I tried to strength the barriers. But so much time has passed since I had been a Time Agent I had forgotten most of my training. Every day more of my protection was stripped away. No matter how many times I tried it didn't work. Then without warning it was gone. I had to do something. I was desperate."
"Are you telling me you created a new space?"
Jack nodded. "Geoff, it takes years to set up the controls necessary for this to be safe. Practiced controls using incremental steps because it's a permanent feature of your mind. I had no choice."
"A new space but one without the controls that would normally keep this safe.
" He saw Jack nod and close his eyes. "It's this wonderful old English garden. Walled with a locked gate and only I had the key. It had many parts, one was filled with flowers beds, and another was a lawn with spreading trees. Hammocks, benches, there were paths that led to nooks and crannies, a pond with a water fountain, statues …" he trailed off and smiled.
Geoff listened, surprised Jack was sharing this then realised that there were no controls there to prevent him from sharing this.
"And Ianto, he was there. Knowing he was there safe. His touch, he held me, he said things that kept me going. I could endure anything because I knew he was waiting for me."
'You have a garden here?" Jack broke his reverie and looked at Geoff, his forehead creased.
"You look confused," Geoff pointed out and Jack nodded.
Geoff stood. "I want you to come and look at something," he said. He helped Jack out of bed and handed him his dressing gown.
Standing now at the window he helped keep him steady.
"Describe to me in details what you see," he instructed.
"The sea, a hill that rolls down. Sheep…" he said not sure why he was being asked this.
"And what else?"
Jack looked down. "The garden," Jack replied.
"Really describe it to me like I was blind," he encouraged.
"There is a tall stone wall surrounding the garden with a brown gate which we never use; well, hardly ever use. It has this old-fashioned key we keep in the kitchen. Several fruit trees which we are training along the walls. It's too late in the year now but you can see where we planted berry fruits, raspberries, gooseberries," he smiled and chuckled. "You know Ianto was a bit miffed when there were no geese."
"Next to this is our vegetable garden. We tried companion planting this year so there was this incredible mix of flowers between the rows. Ianto's bird table, and next are beds and beds of flowers, as much as we could cram in with as much colour and scent to encourage butterflies…" he stopped as he made the connection and looked up at Geoff who then helped him back to bed.
Jack remained in thought for some time.
"A walled garden, filled with beauty," Geoff reflected. He looked at Jack, as tears began to flow down his face.
"I know this sounds crazy but I never made the connection."
"It makes a lot of sense Jack," Geoff said as recent events began to fall into place. "Ianto's drawings, which showed that you have calmer nights the more time you spend there. This garden is a recreation of the one you created in your mind."
"I see that now," Jack replied.
"And there's one more factor here isn't there? It's not just the garden, the garden was created but that is not your safe place it's... "
"Ianto," Jack replied for him. "I had nothing left just was one thought, a feeling. All I could think of was him. Holding him in my arms and having him hold me. In my darkest moments I created a fantasy. In it Ianto loved me. I told him everything: all my secrets, failings, mistakes and fuck ups and he loved me anyway. His love was unconditional; it gave me the strength to carry on. I used my feelings of love and the love he professed to me to give myself refuge."
"So Ianto and his love for you became the key to your sanity in that terrible place," Geoff reflected. "And remains so now?"
"He's everything… he's the reason I get up every day… he's keeps me here…he's my life," Jack reached out for the tissue box. "He must never know, I cannot tell him."
"He's been looking for you all this time Jack. He was so desperate you might have left he tried to kill himself."
"I know but it's all I have left. The Master took everything from me. He stripped me bare, I have nothing else. And he took the man I love and handed him back a shattered remnant. The Ianto that survived holds a fragment, a shadow or reflection of that love. He loves me. Do you understand what I am trying to tell you?" Jack told him desperately.
"All you did was leave to find some answers. As bad as Ianto's memory is of you leaving, it's not that big a sin." He saw Jack shake his head.
"You don't understand, this is not about me just running off," Jack said through gritted teeth. He struggled to breathe. "If only it was that simple."
"Help me understand," Geoff encouraged.
"So you want the truth? Here it is: I didn't just betray him by running off, I'm the cause of every blow, every rape. Every scar on his body is a visual reminder of my betrayal."
"Jack, you were a prisoner yourself. How could you be to blame for what happened to him?" Geoff pointed out
"I released a monster. The Master…if I hadn't run off after the TARDIS she would never have gone so far into the future. The Master would never have been discovered." He closed his eyes "Then Ianto was left behind. He got left behind because I didn't check every level properly." He pointed to himself "I didn't check! I didn't check!" he shouted out.
"Every level of what?" he asked for clarification.
"The Valiant. The time paradox was righting itself. Martha and I threw everyone on board off we could find, including all the dead bodies…he was left behind…don't you see this was this was my fault…he is suffering for every mistake I made…" Jack broke down.
"That's one hell of heavy burden to carry," Geoff pointed out as he saw how heavily this sat on his soul. "Tell me about the final day on the Valiant?" he asked after a few moments as he worked through what Jack had told him.
"I was locked, chained in this small space, waiting for my punishment for my part in the mutiny..."
"Mutiny?"
"Yeah; Martha's family was on board: her mum, dad, and sister, Trish. Clive was forced to work as sort of a janitor mostly cleaning up after the Master had finished with me. Tish and her mum Francine were maids which gave them greater freedom. We worked out a way to distract the Master in an effort get me to the TARDIS and destroy the paradox machine. Unfortunately things went wrong from the beginning, and I ended up being killed..."
He took a breath. "I am not sure how long I was in there when I was dragged out and taken to the control room. The Master was all excited because he had captured Martha and was going to execute her." Geoff listened; he had seen the footage but Jack's first-hand account was fascinating.
"But the Doctor had tuned himself into the Angel Network; as soon as the Master was compromised I managed to arm myself. I fought my way down each level; on reaching the TARDIS I destroyed the Paradox machine. At that point Martha joined me. As time began to rewind we started to organise as many people as we could and got them the hell off that ship." He paused "We threw everybody we found off, I could swear we searched, it was a race…we knew by throwing them off they would be returned to their original state from the point just after the American president was assassinated."
"So after a year of torture, in the days leading up to the end you managed to organise a mutiny and then after supporting the Doctor you personally arranged an evacuation, checking each level of the Valiant with Martha Jones," he summed up. Jack nodded. "Describe to me your search. You used the word 'race'?"
"Yeah, good word. Everyone was running around in a panic; some were taking their revenge on those who had assisted the Master. Others were trying to escape. We were caught in this whirlwind effect, we only had so much time…" he stopped.
"Would it be fair to say this wasn't an organised systematic search using any blueprints? This was mad desperate dash to get as many people off as you could?" He saw Jack nod at the implications of his own words. "I think we have done enough for today." He stood and went on the bed and put his hand on Jack's knee.
"While I'm gone I want you to do some homework. I want you think about this: Ianto Jones has one memory, a single image; he has given it a title and knows he loved the man running away to a magic blue box. He has no idea about any of what you told me today. What I want you to think about is how would Ianto feel, if you were just a man who ran off to get answers? What would his reaction had been if you had returned and found him restored? And one more thing: if you could speak to the Ianto you knew what would he have to say about all this? What would his advice be to you in light of how the final moments played out on the Valiant?" He saw Jack deep in thought and stood. Opening the door he quietly left.