Uncharted Lands

8.A Small Sacrifice

'Sometimes you have to be your own hero,

Because sometimes the people you can't live without

Can't live without you.'

Together, they ate all the food he had ordered. A lot. She stole his last vegetables, like always, and like always, he let her because he stole her shrimp. They didn't speak much, both of them too lost in their own thoughts.

Brennan's mind was trying to make out why he had proposed to her just now. She knew he loved her, and she believed it, but why propose so fast? Was it because she was pregnant? She knew he had proposed to Rebecca, doing the right thing, wanting to marry the mother of his child and the woman he loved. But why had he tried the same with her? He knew she would say no. He had to have known. He knew her well enough to know she couldn't. But then, why try?

Booth was waging another battle. Two voices in his mind were both trying to convince him of different things.

One voice said: She'll never marry you. She's not the marrying kind. They all weren't. You'll never have her in that way.

Another voice, a slightly louder one, was screaming at him not to listen. She does want to marry you. She just can't. She doesn't understand the meaning of it, the magnitude of it scares her, but she wants to. Give it time.

No, the other voice said. You heart has been through enough. Don't try again. Don't let it get hurt once more. You'll never recover.

And he knew the voice was right. If he asked again, and she said no again, he would never get over the pain.

He had started wearing his cocky belt buckle again, after their first night together, when he realized this time, it was for real. Because she was his, and he felt confident it would stay that way. Because he believed her feelings and her words to him were real.

But her rejection caused him to worry. He knew, somewhere deep down, that he shouldn't. That he should know better than to question her words, because she wouldn't lie to him. Ever.

Still, there was a tinge in his gut. One that scared him. One that asked him a very important question:

What if she only thinks she loves you. What if it's really her pregnancy hormones and in the end, she'll realize she was wrong?

He knew they had a lot to talk about. But he wouldn't bring up his own questions. He knew questioning her feelings for him now would be the most crucial mistake of all. She was the one new to all of this. She needed his guidance. And she needed his trust, his confidence in her. And she would have it.

So the pushed the voices away, both of them. Banned them to a far corner of his mind, keeping them locked down for now.

He put down his plate and the empty boxes, and she handed him hers.

'I really needed that,' she said, her voice soft with emotion. He knew she was fighting as well, with her own personal demons.

Suddenly, a question popped into his mind. He let her turn half onto her side and put an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. They were almost lying down, he with his back to the armrest of the couch, she lying on his chest. It was a comfortable, close position and he questioned whether this was the right moment to ask her, but he had to.

'Bones,' he whispered. 'Yeah?' she answered.

'When was the first time, you know, when you realized it?'

'When I realized what?' she asked, her voice still soft.

'When you first realized that it was love?' he answered, his voice as soft as hers, as full of emotion as hers.

She went silent for a while, her mind going over everything she had felt and everything she had experienced these past years.

Was it when he asked her to give it a shot?

Was it when he had been there after Sully left?

No, it was much, much earlier than that, she suddenly realized. And that realization hit her like ice cold water.

She had loved him ever since he had confessed his gambling problem to her. When he had told her: This is going somewhere.

That was when she had known. They would meet again. They had to. Because this man was hers.

'Bones?' his voice was unsteady and questioning, scared, and she realized he was still waiting for her answer.

'Right from the beginning,' she answered. 'That's why I wouldn't let you get in the cab. That's when I knew.'

His heart froze and his brain went empty. Who said fire and ice can't coexist? She was living proof of the opposite. She knew, right from the beginning? Like him? How was that possible?

Then, his heartbeat returned and his brain worked again. 'Really?'

She nodded into his chest. 'Yes, you were the first man ever to scare me. You were quite intense, Booth.'

'I scared you and that's why you love me?' he asked again, his brain taking time to catch up.

'You got to me. You made me furious, but I accepted much more from you than I did from anybody else. I liked being around you. Your presence comforted me and it challenged me a the same time. My heartbeat increased when you touched

me at first, but later it also increased when I heard your voice or felt your presence. It took me a while to realize but generally, those are signs of love, right?'

'When did you realize?' he asked, not answering her question. 'When did you realize it was so long ago?'

'Just now,' she answered. 'I never really thought about it.'

'Thanks, Bones,' he answered, and he didn't really know why. She smiled and moved away from him to sit next to him on the couch, the whole situation making her less than comfortable.

'Something wrong?' he asked when she seemed to avoid his eyes. She shook her head. 'No.'

'You wanna go to bed already?' he asked, trying to get her to talk at least a little.

She nodded. 'Yes, I'm quite tired. I think it would be a good idea if I at least lay down, you know, try to rest.'

He nodded. 'I'll join you. If that's ok. I'm tired myself.'

Her expression softened but she still couldn't meet his eyes. 'Of course it's ok, Booth.'

'Good. You go ahead, I'll join you when I cleaned this up,' he said, standing from the couch.

Deep inside she wanted to help him put everything away. But she also needed the distance. And she sensed he needed it, too. Some way to distract him from her without leaving, just for a few minutes, giving them both some room to clear their heads.

So they went their separate ways, she making her way to the other side of her apartment, to her bedroom, as he collected their plates, the boxes and wrappings and started cleaning up.

As she stood in her doorframe, she turned to look at him.

He seemed to be occupied with the boxes, trying to stack them so they would fit together, but because they were all exactly the same size, she knew he would never succeed.

But he wouldn't give up, and that simple effort gave her hope.

She knew he wouldn't give up on her. She may have hurt his already battered heart, but it was still the heart of a fighter. And it always would be. It would always fight for her, fight its way back to her, and even if she wasn't ready to give herself to him, she would try. Because he was trying as well.

Trying to accept their new relationship, this baby coming. Of course they both wanted it, had wanted it for a long time, but that didn't make it easy. It was unexpected and it came at a time in which they were both still hurting very much. They were only granted limited time together, limited time to work out their problems and find a way to make this work. And even though there was no doubt in her mind that they would make it work, she knew it would take some time. And some effort. And probably tears.

She quickly changed out of her pants and removed her bra from under the shirt, not sure what Booth would expect, so she went for the middle way.

As soon as she was under the covers, she focused on the sound of Booth in her kitchen. She had never heard someone else move around in there while she was in bed, and it was new to her, but at the same time it was the best thing ever. It meant she was sharing her life and that was something she had wanted to experience ever since she had met her current friends, co-workers and family that she was surrounded by every day.

They had shown her the beauty of love, of giving yourself to someone else, losing yourself and trusting that someone else to catch you. And even though a part of her, the rational part, had always pushed it away, her other part, the woman, had envied them. Very much.

Booth cleaned up everything, put on her dishwasher and, content with his work, went to lay down with the woman waiting for him. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep yet, but he needed to be close to her, try to understand and accept her, her words to him and her motives. His heart could take so much more from her than it could from someone else, and he was glad. Because even though he knew her, and he had known her answer before the question, he had been hurt again.

He entered the bedroom and found her looking at him, a tiny smile appearing on her lips, trying to gauge his mood. He smiled back, trying to reassure her, telling her he would always stand by her side, no matter what.

I'm with Bones, all the way. Don't doubt it for a second, that's what he had told Cam all these years ago. Even though she had been the one he was closer to at the time, he would have chosen Brennan over her. And back then, he hadn't really understood his own reasons. Except for that he knew they were true. But now, how that he got a chance to really spend time with her, see her even more vulnerable than ever, he realized exactly how true his statement had been. His path was her path.

He got in on the left side of the bed, beside her, not undressing, not sure what she would expect. She stayed still, on her back, her head turning to look at him.

He looked back, and the vulnerability in her eyes vaporized his anger, as he realized that she was the one putting herself on the line. She had had no choice but to say no to him. She didn't know anything else. But he, he had knowingly and willingly asked her something he knew she couldn't accept. He had hurt her, not the other way around.

He rolled onto his side, towards her, his hand coming to touch her right side, softly, making sure she knew he was fine.

'I'm so sorry, Booth,' she whispered, tears evident in her eyes.

'It's not your fault, Bones,' he whispered back and he scooted as close as possible, carefully turned her towards him and kissed her.

His lips met hers in passion, their emotions close beneath the surface, almost unbearable and uncontrollable. She felt a tear escape her eye, and then another. Everything she felt, she poured into kissing him, and he accepted it and gave it right back. She felt it all. Every day spent right beside her, protecting her in silent love, he admitted to her in his kiss.

Their tongues met and she whimpered. He was slowly losing control over his inner alpha male, the one that wasn't the silent man in the corner, but the one that was the fighter. The hunter. He came to the surface and Brennan felt him, desired him.

'Let go,' she whispered to him, and he broke the kiss. 'No,' he answered before kissing her more slowly, deeply, lovingly.

'Why?' she asked, a frown between her eyes as she broke the kiss.

He pulled her close to him, and he felt her hands on his chest.

'I don't want you to see that side of me,' he whispered, giving her the truth. 'It's not pretty.'

Brennan pushed back to look into his eyes. She saw a hint of the Booth she had just felt, but mostly, she saw his care, his love and his fear. All at once.

'It's you, Booth, I want to see it.'

He shook his head softly. 'No.'

'Please,' she whispered, her hands coming up to stroke his chest, her legs pulling him closer. 'it's ok. Don't hide it.'

He didn't know what to answer her so he just kissed her again. He would never let her see that ugly side of him. She wouldn't accept it. Maybe she'd see a glimpse of it here and there, if he lost control, but he'd never show her the animal that was caged inside of him.

She was both saddened and flattered with his statement, but she had felt something she wanted to know more about. She had seen this side of him a few times, when he felt she was at risk, his eyes became fire blazing to protect her. She knew he was afraid of hurting her. But she also knew he couldn't. If she could get him to let go, it would be the most passionate she had ever seen anyone. And she wanted to learn that.

'Booth, please,' she whispered again. 'I want to see you.. Like that.'

'No, Bones, drop it.' He answered, kissing her forehead and letting his hands wander along her side.

'I want to learn,' she whispered, almost too soft for him to hear. But he heard her.

'You're one of the most passionate people I know,' he said, his voice incredulous of her statement. 'You can't possibly learn anything from me, baby.'

Her heart clenched at his endearment, and her lips moved up to capture his once more. She would let go as much as she could for him, maybe he would do the same for her.

Slowly, she tried to let go of her inhibitions. She had never been one to hold back when it came to sex, but that had been with lovers. This was Booth. Something was the same, but something more important was different. This would last. He would know everything about her. And although she didn't want it to hold her back, it did.

So tonight she would dedicate herself to letting go. No more inhibitions. Especially with Booth she should be able to let go. Especially after he had let go with her and asked her the question he had been so afraid to ask. Especially after she had let him down.

His body became more and more aware of hers, his arms flexing around her, his hands wandering under her shirt. She felt his growing erection against her thigh, and her brain clouded in desire. She closed her eyes as his lips left hers and travelled down to her neck, sending shivers down her spine to centre at her core. Her own hands traveled a path of their own, under his shirt, over his smooth chest, pulling the shirt up and with some help, over his head. He did the same with her and they were both almost naked.

She met his lips again, rolling on top of him, her legs on either side of his. She softly bit his lower lip, her hands tickling his side. He groaned, his emotions swiftly threatening to take over again.

A thought crossed his mind. Maybe they both needed it. But he pushed it away.

She felt it, though. A single second in which his body raged like an animal, every muscle tuned in to please and protect her. It made her feel incredibly sexy, and she moved off him to remove her pants and panties in one swift movement.

She lay down on her back, on the covers, completely naked and open for him to see.

He looked at her, his eyes wide.

She felt naked, and she suppressed the urge to reach for the blanket.

He groaned again and a second later he was on top of her, his hands on her breasts, his legs on either side of hers. She squirmed under his hands, her nipples hard, her breathing hitched as his lips joined his hands. 'God,' she whimpered, and she felt him grow even harder. She reached for the bulge in his pants and tried to pull down his waistband. He aided her and a second later he too was naked, on top of her, licking every millimeter of her bare breasts with unlimited dedication.

She loved the feeling of his slightly raw tongue on her sensitive nipples, the feelings raging through her almost as uncontrollable as her thoughts. All she wanted was to see that Booth again, just for a second, have him loose himself in her. Tonight was about him.

She arched her back, then pushed her pelvis into his, and Booth moaned loudly. She smiled, her hands reaching for his neck, pulling him down for another kiss. With her kiss she tried to show him what she wanted. She wanted him, all of him. The ugly side of him he thought she didn't want to know. Her tongue tried to tell him that it was ok. It was a part of him, so she would love it. Unconditionally.

He got the message but still, he held back. Even though he felt her trying to give her all to him, he held back. As she moaned underneath him, her entire body moving to be as close to him as possible, her hands on is back, pulling and taking him, he held back.

She managed to get her legs from underneath his, wrapping them around his hips, pulling him even closer. He broke their kiss to look into her eyes as one of his hands travelled down, down to where her core and his member were impossibly close but not close enough. He softly touched his fingers to her opening and he found her so wet, he needed her.

'My God, Bones,' he whispered in awe of her trust and love, and he leaned forward on his elbows, needing no further guidance as he joined them.

A sharp call escaped her lips, and his eyes flew to his. Was she in pain? Her head was thrown back, her eyes closed, and her hands were on his muscled arms. No, she wasn't in pain. She was letting go.

Even though the feelings coursing through him were almost enough to lose it, he focused on pleasuring the amazing woman underneath him. 'You like that?' he whispered.

She just clawed at his arms, leaving scratches he didn't care about, and she hissed as he pulled back only to join them again.

'God, yes,' she whispered, opening her eyes to look into his. She saw it, the Booth she wanted to get to know better, right underneath the surface. She wanted him to take her, take what was his, take what she couldn't give willingly.

If he could only take her in marriage, if only there was a way he could take the decision from her. Then she would be able to give him all.

Her muscles tightened around him, deep inside of her, and he dropped his lips to hers. Kissing her deeply he felt her desire, her need to feel.

She tried to start a rhythm, but he took over, starting a deep, slow rhythm. 'Booth,' she whimpered, and he looked into her eyes where he found unshed tears, open emotions and only Bones. He moved faster, keeping his rhythm, thrusting less deep, afraid to hurt her. She didn't only sense his care, she saw it in his eyes.

'Don't be afraid to let go,' she managed between thrusts, one of her hand caressing his cheek. 'It's ok.'

He increased his rhythm again, and she lost all her power to talk, being dragged along the river of emotions and feelings he was creating between them. 'I need you, Bones,' he whispered in her ear, and she pulled him down to hug him close. 'Then let go,' she whispered back when she had found the strength. 'I love you.'

And suddenly the decision was clear. She knows the truth of you, and she's dazzled by that truth. Let go. She's doing the same for you.

And Brennan saw and felt the change in his entire body.

She hung onto him even tighter, opening her legs even wider for him, giving him deeper access as he lost all rhythm, moving deeper inside of her than ever, thrusting harder, faster, losing himself like she did.

The grip of her muscles on him became unbearable, and he met her lips in a kiss unlike anything they had shared before, all the pain, anger, promises and love between them suddenly almost tangible.

'Oh God, Booth,' she warned, clutching his shoulders and throwing her head back. 'Jesus!'

And she was carried away by the waves that kept coming, and coming, crashing down on her, her eyes closed tight, her head thrown back, her entire body tense against his.

He didn't know where he got the strength to hang on, but somehow, he did. One of his arms around her waist held her close, his movements slowed to help her ride out her orgasm, but he hung on.

As her body stilled and her eyes opened again, he simply looked at her, seeing her beautiful eyes hazed with her orgasm, looking at him, reaching for him.

He kissed her lips, then started moving again. 'Oh Booth,' she whispered, both in awe of his control and overwhelmed by the new feelings already starting to coil in her stomach.

'Bones, I'm so sorry,' he managed, as he picked up his rhythm again, thrusting deep, trusting himself not to hurt her. And he didn't, as he could already feel her muscles start to wind tighter and tighter again, as her eyes grew with wonder, her hands clutched his shoulders and her legs locked behind his back. 'Oh my God,' he whispered this time, as he felt the animal in himself take over, responding to her primeval moans and little noises, his body moving with hers in a rhythm known to man since the beginning.

'Come for me, Booth,' she whispered, the feelings in her stomach surprising her but his need more important to her than her own.

A surge of something rushed through his body and all his willpower went into not coming right there and then. 'Come for me, Bones,' he whispered back, expecting the same outcome for her.

And he wasn't disappointed.

Her eyes widened even more, her blues burning hot, seeing straight into his soul, a sound that can only be described as a wail left her mouth.

As he felt her muscles contract for the second time, even tighter than before, he couldn't hold on anymore. His rhythm became even more erratic, and one, two deep thrusts were all it took for him to pull her upper body close to him and fill her with his seed. He pulled her up, sitting on his knees with her body wrapped around him, connected in the most intimate way possible, coming harder than ever before, letting everything out.

Her tears falling onto his shoulders were what brought him back to her.

Immediately, he was fully alert again. 'Are you hurt?' his eyes were so soft as they found hers, so caring, that she only cried harder. 'What's wrong, baby? It's ok, I've got you. I'm sorry.'

'No,' she sobbed. 'That was.. That was beautiful.'

Then he realized her tears were tears of joy. Tears of love, and he couldn't stop his own. Clutching her head to his shoulder, he cried into her hair.

'Thank you,' she whispered after a while. He pulled back to look into her eyes, moving to lay them down again, pulling the blankets over them as he lay down next to her, facing her.

'Why did you want to see that?' he asked softly.

'I.. If you can let go, I can let go,' she simply stated, her voice shaking. Her blue eyes met his darker ones and he saw that look again, the one she had given him in the car, not too long ago. The one that asked for his approval. The look that begged him not to turn her down.

He smiled, and a wave of relief washed over her. 'I let go because you did,' he answered. 'That's how we work. And it's why we work. We do things for each other we would never do for anyone else, we make ourselves vulnerable. And we're there for each other.'

Brennan nodded into his chest. 'Thanks for being there, Booth.

'Always,' he answered. 'Thanks for being there, Bones.'

She pressed a kiss to his chest. 'Although I don't believe in always, I think it's the most accurate I can be at the moment.'

His smile was missed by her as she fell into a long night's uninterrupted sleep.

Booth stayed awake a long time after that, holding her, thinking about her. He would propose again. And she would say yes. Because like he had said to her, they did things for each other they would never do for anyone else. Things they didn't even know they had in them. Proposing had been stupid, selfish. But in a way, she had said yes. Just not now.

And like Gordon Gordon had once said, some patience in the matter, and trust. He had every intention of listening to that advice. Because if that was all she needed it would be the smallest sacrifice he would ever make for her.

[Author's Note: Sorry for the length, I could have made it 2 chapters but I didn't want to. I hope you liked it. Thank you for all the kind reviews, it has helped me a LOT.]