Uncharted Lands

12. Doubt

The body of the mother being found gave Temperance Brennan hope. She had something to work on, something to hold onto, something to prove to her that she was still a brilliant scientist.

So in the next two days, all she did was work. Like a maniac, like Temperance Brennan, she worked all day long. And then a little.

The first night she had actually gone home without Booth pressuring her. She had left the lab at around ten in the evening and found Booth at her place, waiting for her.

The next evening however, he was also waiting for her, hoping she'd keep her promise to come home, but she didn't.

He texted her two times: Are you ok?

She answered: yes.

Are you coming home soon? I miss you.

She answered: Soon, I hope. Just want to crack this case.

And at 1 past midnight he finally lost it.

She still wasn't home and he had texted her again but had gotten no answer.

So he drove to the lab, worried, angry. He found her bowed over the remains of the little girl once more, her position looking as if it hurt, but her face concentrated and determined.

'Bones.'

His voice didn't sound angry, just soft, and it didn't startle her.

'Booth. What time is it?' she asked, but she continued her work.

'Guess.'

Now, anger did find its way into his words and she looked up, her face confused. 'What? Why?'

'Because maybe then you'll understand why I was worried sick waiting for you to come home, like you promised,' he spat, and he hadn't meant to spat it but he did and it unnerved Brennan. She didn't like to be spat to.

'Maybe I'm just not ready to come home to you, Booth. Maybe I'm not good at keeping promises regarding work. Maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do.'

Her words hurt him immensely, and defeat showed on his face as she regretted her words instantly. However, pride kept her from apologizing as her words sunk in to him.

'It's one in the morning, for Gods sake,' he whispered, turned around and started to walk away. He needed space.

One in the morning? That late? Fear crept into her heart as she realized how normal it had been for him to be worried. She hadn't kept track of time and submerged in her work she hadn't noticed the hours pass as swiftly as they had.

'Booth..' she called after him, softly, and he turned, hurt still visible in his eyes. 'Yeah?'

'I'm.. I'm nearly finished here, we can go home after that?'

It wasn't really a question, but she needed his approval anyway. He didn't give it, he just turned and resumed his walk down the platform stairs to a bench alongside the lab platform.

She followed him, removing her gloves as she went. 'Booth! I'm.. I'm sorry.'

Now he turned, for real, and his demeanor softened at the sight of her. She looked shocked, surprised by the time, tired, desperate for a break in the case and desperate for his understanding.

'It's ok,' he said, not walking towards her as she stood a few feet away but just out of reach. 'Time flies when you're having fun.'

It wasn't meant to be mean but she didn't like his comment. 'I'm just trying to solve this, Booth. She has the answer somewhere. I just need to look more closely.'

'And tomorrow you can. Just.. You need to take care of yourself, Bones. Have you even eaten? I know you skipped dinner yesterday. Look, I'm trying to give you some space, here, but I can't.. watch you not eat or sleep when I know you need it. Come on, let's go home and tomorrow we can start with a clear mind, ok?'

After a few seconds and a pleading look from her which went unanswered by him, she agreed. She put the remains away and followed him to his car.

Her feet suddenly felt like they weighed a ton and her eyelids wouldn't stay open. During the short ride to his place she barely stayed awake. She realized somewhere he changed directions at the last moment to get her to the closest bed, his bed, and when he pulled into his parking space she managed to open her eyes. 'Let's get you to bed,' he said, and there wasn't a trace of hardness, blame or anger in his voice. She nodded, got out of the car and let him wrap his arm around her waist, guide her up the stairs and into his apartment, and soon she felt rather than saw his bed under her. She removed her coat, jacket, shirt and pants and got into the bed as soon as she could.

When he joined her a little while later he saw her lying in his bed, under the covers, her eyes closed and her face peaceful. 'I don't care how much you'll hate me for doing this, but I'm never letting you work this late again, Bones,' he warned her softly, convinced she was already asleep. She wasn't.

'I don't care how much you think you need to prove your brilliance, or how much you feel you need to work to make up for us being together, it's not gonna happen. I love you,' he said, and she opened her eyes because pretending to be asleep felt utterly wrong.

'I won't hate you, I love you,' she managed, together with a tiny smile, and she felt his lips on her forehead just as she fell asleep. She had been unfair to him today. But he didn't care as long as she was ok. And ok she was, especially now that she was back safely in his arms, in his bed, in their home.

The next morning she woke very early to an empty bed.

And even though she knew she shouldn't feel abandoned, or even fear that he might consider leaving her without a word, she panicked a little.

It wasn't even because he wasn't there. But the bed was cold next to her, and she didn't hear a sound anywhere else in his apartment.

Slowly she got up out of bed and walked into his bathroom first, then his living room to check where he was.

She found him in a chair, asleep, in front of the window overlooking the street. She knew it was where he thought, where he could separate reality from fantasy, irrational from rational.

Why had he left her side, without her knowing, to find this place, the place he only found when he had something on his mind that needed fixing?

The wooden floor cracked under her feet and he awoke immediately, his head turning in her direction, finding the source of the unknown noise.

'Bones.'

He seemed relieved, but something in his eyes alarmed her. He had his guard up.

'What's wrong?' she asked cautiously.

'Nothing,' he answered. 'Just need to think.'

'Did I say something wrong?' she asked again, still in the doorframe, a frown on her face and her mind racing. What had she done to make him this sad, angry, whatever he was?

'No, nothing, it's fine. I just need some time, you know, to think,' he brushed her off.

'About what?' she insisted.

He sighed. 'Just stuff.'

She knew she should leave, she wouldn't get anywhere with him if he wasn't planning on talking to her, and clearly his mind was set. But she couldn't leave him. She needed to know.

'I'm sorry I didn't call you, I'll keep a closer eye on the clock next time,' she tried.

'You know, it's not even that,' he said, his voice suddenly raised. 'I'm not even angry about that, about you being so damned late and not telling me. It's not even about that.'

'Then what is it about?' she continued, knowing she would most likely get to hear it now, although maybe not in the tone she wanted.

'It's about you being so damned confusing. I don't know what to do, Bones. I thought we had something going here. You know, you, me, living wherever we feel best, you know, together. And then you tell me you're not ready? Now? And you expect me to just forget that?'

She couldn't even remember when she said it. 'Did I say that?' she asked softly, her voice nearly a whisper.

'Yeah, you said that. You said you weren't ready to come home to me. That I didn't know you as well as I thought I did. That's what you said, Bones.'

She went quiet and for a second, she was frozen. Then, she turned without another word and went back to his bed, just to think, to be alone.

At first, he didn't follow. He sat in his chair, hands in his hair. What was he supposed to do? He wanted to live with her, wanted to share his life with her. And she wanted the same, he knew it. He was absolutely positive. Only now she told him that she didn't know, that she wasn't sure what she wanted or how she wanted this to go? He didn't believe it was hormones speaking, she had sounded too sure of herself. Sure, people say stupid things when they're angry. But not Bones.

In his bed, her pillow smelled like Booth. The blanket smelled like Booth. Her shirt, his shirt, into which she had changed somewhere during the night, smelled like Booth. And she felt sick. Had she said those words to him? She had been tired, so tired of working the case with no results whatsoever, that she might have said things she didn't mean. But she usually didn't do that. She was good at controlling herself, but seemingly, she had said things to him she didn't mean. At all. She wanted to live with him, she loved being around him. Had she really said those terrible things?

After a few minutes he stood. He wanted to talk to her. Even though it was still very early in the morning, this needed to be resolved.

So he moved through his apartment to find her sitting in his bed, knees pulled up, her eyes puffy with unshed tears. When she heard him entering, she looked up and he saw her eyes. Confused. Hurt, by him and by herself.

And his resolve crumbled. He wasn't angry at her, how could he be. 'Hey,' he whispered and moved to sit next to her. 'I'm sorry, I know you didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry.'

'No,' she said, her voice wavering. 'I don't remember saying it, Booth, I don't remember. I didn't mean to say anything like that. I'm just so angry.'

'Angry?' he asked, his voice still soft, his brain racing. Angry at him?

'Because of the case, you know we're not getting anywhere. It should have been solved by now, Booth.'

'You'll solve it, you always do,' he tried reassuring her but he knew only evidence would make her more comfortable on that front.

'I just never meant to hurt you,' she whispered back and now her tears started falling, and her body gravitated slightly towards him, finding comfort and warmth.

'I know,' he said. 'It's just.. It was unexpected. And you're pretty hard to read sometimes.'

'I want to live with you,' she said, her voice muffled by his shirt as his arms came around her to hold her close to him, offering what she needed. 'I want to live with you and I want to come home to you. I just get submerged in my work, and even though it's scientifically impossible, time seems to move faster when I work.'

'I know,' he soothed. 'It's ok. And if you didn't want to live with me it's ok too, you know, we can fix it. Work up to it, or whatever. If you need something, just tell me, don't be scared to tell me what you want, just.. Explain why, ok? It was just really unexpected,' he repeated. She nodded. 'I understand.'

But she wanted to live with him. More than he knew. And she wanted to come home to him, to a bed already warm, arms always open for her, someone to talk to about whatever was on her mind at any moment. She hadn't had something like this before, and now she had it, she didn't want to let it go ever again. Anger, exhaustion and pressure had lead her to say things she never wanted to say, she didn't even mean.

He was relieved she understood him, because even though he had never meant to burden her with his own doubts, he had been quite convinced she really wasn't ready. Because he too felt the pressure of something huge about to change their lives chasing them through the days, always on both their minds, and they didn't even know what they really were to each other. Soul mates? She didn't believe in soul mates. Two halves to a whole? Maybe, if you believed Plato. Partners, that was for sure. Best friends. Mother and father. Two people who without the other, where still great individuals, but together they were invincible. Complete. And yet again, there it was. Their child would be born in less than eight months. That was all the time they had to find out how to do everything, where to live, how to live. And while there was no doubt in his mind that they would make it work, it was hard for him to know if she felt the same.

But she did. With all her heart she believed this was the right thing, this was their life and she loved every second of it.

After a few moments of just being in his arms, calming, taking strength from him, she disentangled herself. He looked at her and he saw her eyes, so very blue, so open for him to read. He could see a battle going on inside her head and he asked her about it.

'What's on your mind?'

She shrugged. 'Just baby stuff.'

'Tell me.'

She stayed silent at first, and he nudged her with his shoulder. 'Hey, it's a partner thing.'

She smiled. 'Ok.'

It wasn't a partner thing and she knew it, she wasn't a fool but still it gave her comfort. It took away an edge, and she valued his opinion very highly, especially on baby stuff.

'Are you.. Are you apprehensive, about the baby?' she asked slowly.

He looked at her. Apprehensive?

'No, Bones, not at all,' he said softly and solemnly. 'I love it. I can't wait.'

'But.. Our lives have changed in so many ways, by something we didn't even plan. Don't you regret that?'

'No,' he answered again, immediately. 'It was unexpected, yeah, but I've thought about it and I want it.'

She nodded, accepting his answer. 'Ok.'

'Are you?' he asked.

'What?'

'Apprehensive?' he clarified, and a small frown appeared on her forehead.

'I find that I feel.. Rushed by the circumstances, but no, I'm not apprehensive. I thought I would be,' she answered. 'But I'm not. Our whole lives are about to change but I'm ready.'

'Our whole lives have changed already,' he whispered and she turned her head to face him, only to find him looking down at her, his face very close. 'Yeah, they have,' she answered and her lips closed the distance to his, meeting in a soft kiss that made her shiver.

When his lips left hers, she opened her eyes to find him looking at her, his smile on his face and in his eyes. 'Does that mean that.. We're going to see our baby soon? Doctor's appointment?'

She cocked her head to the side. 'Doctor's appointment? What am I going to introduce you as? My boyfriend?'

He smiled even wider. 'Hell yeah.'

'No way. Partner, maybe.'

She tried to sound serious but the smile in her eyes gave her away. He gave her a playful push to her shoulder and she laughed as she let herself fall down. She rolled onto her stomach and looked at him, her face serious.

'Can you imagine when our childe is too big for me to do this?'

He nodded. 'Yep.'

'You've seen it happen, Booth. You've been here before. That's an unfair advantage.'

'Unfair advantage?' he laughed, seeing the spark back in her eyes. He rolled towards her until he was lying half on top of her, his head between her neck and shoulders. 'Our baby is growing inside of you. I'd say that's the unfair advantage.'

'All the hard work is down to us women. It shows that men are overall less capable of caring for something over an extended period of time.'

He didn't answer because he knew when he was trapped. Instead, he started kissing a trail from her earlobe down to the neckline of his shirt, softly nipping her skin, tasting her. She gasped softly and he pressed his hips into her buttocks, making her aware of his growing erection.

She arched her back, pushing her curvy body up into his, and she was rewarded with a groan from him. He pulled on the shirt she was wearing and somehow they removed it without changing position. He unclasped her bra, which she hadn't removed when she had barely gotten into bed from exhaustion, and soon it joined her shirt on the floor. He changed his position and she felt his hot lips and tip of his tongue trail a path from her shoulder blades to her spine and downwards, further and further until he met her panties and then move back up. She squirmed under him, trying to direct his tongue, trying to feel his skin with her hands but her position making it impossible.

In the end she gave up trying to feel his chest with her hands, and she surrendered herself to his touches. She lay her head down on the pillow and closed her eyes at the feelings he was creating. A turmoil of emotions ran through her body, varying from love to sadness and finally her hand reached for his face, stopping him mid-track.

'I never meant to hurt you,' she said, meeting his eyes with her own, making sure he understood and believed her before she lay back down again. He just nodded and kissed her cheek, the corner of her mouth and started back on his path on her back.

The heat was almost unbearable as she felt him undo his jogging pants and suddenly she felt his naked skin on hers. She wanted to turn around, make it easier for them to do what they were about to, but he put a hand on her shoulders, and frankly she didn't mind. Her body was still a little tired from all the work she had done earlier, and she hadn't eaten much. Even though it didn't diminish her need for the man in bed with her, it did make her feel weak, and their position didn't require her to sit up or anything. So even though she needed him like crazy, and he couldn't be close enough to her, she was grateful for their position and she made a note to herself to never ever eat this little or work this hard ever again.

Then she felt him again, so close, and without any guidance he found her entrance with his fingers first, softly stroking her, feeling her and loving her before moving over her to bury his nose in her hair and his cock inside of her.

She gasped at their connection, he moaned. 'Jesus,' she whispered, and he didn't have the willpower to break their spell and comment on her religion. She arched her back again and he started a rhythm, and very soon they were both moaning and whispering endearments.

Brennan had never thought of herself as a romantic. Far from it, in fact. But this man had changed everything about that. Here she was, being taken by him, wanting him to take her, whispering her apologies and her love to him, telling him she wanted to live with him, that she would never want to live anywhere or with anyone but with him, in his home.

But it were his words of love, and the truth she heard in his voice that catapulted her over the edge without warning. 'Oh God!' she called and with a smile and a kiss he whispered at her to let go, to let go together. And they did, they let go, together, and wave after wave crashed over her and time after time she kept whispering at her, he kept whispering at him, and together they fell limply onto his bed.

As she crawled under the covers just a little further, she felt his arm sneak around her and his lips on her ear. 'Let's.. Let's live together,' he whispered in her ear.

A year ago, a week ago, even a day ago Brennan would have said no. She would have been too scared.

But today, right this minute, this second she managed a nod. 'Ok.'

She didn't see the smile that lit up his face. 'Really? Ok?'

'Yeah,' she said, covering his arm with hers, snuggling closer to him. 'Really.'

Because somewhere down the road she had changed. Sometime during the past seven years she had changed from someone who couldn't trust others with her heart, because she was too afraid of getting heartbroken again, to someone who was more than willing to risk a little heartbreak for the happiness she knew she could have. Right now, she felt as if she was a bird, flying for the first time. No real direction, no goal, no guarantees of a safe landing. Just the air, and her heart, keeping her afloat and sending her in the right direction.

Behind her, Booth was in heaven. She wanted to live with him. One small step for her.. One giant leap for them, a family. He sighed, kissed her bare shoulder and relaxed completely, feeling happier than he ever had. It had taken so many ups and downs to get here, but now he knew he would endure it all again, and more if he had to, to stay with her. Anything to stay with her, to keep this going. Because for the past seven years, his life had fully depended on her, but from now on, his heart fully depended on her as well.

[Author's note: Thanks to everyone who keeps reading this, and who keeps reviewing. I love you all and I really appreciate the kind words. It helps a lot.]