Chapter 17

A/N: This chapter deals with the death of a family member. You may want to skip to the next if this is a sensitive topic.

The end, when it came, was peaceful. A little over a week later, Matthew woke to Francis shaking him gently, and his face told him all he needed to know. He followed his father down the hall to his grandmother's room, and entered slowly.

She lay as though asleep, her face smooth and calm. For that, Matthew was incredibly grateful. She had spent her last moments not in pain, but slipped away quietly and unaware.

He looked up at Francis, unsure.

"Go on" his father said gently.

Matthew drew his brow, but stepped forward until he stood beside her bed. Slowly, tentatively, he leaned forward and placed a kiss on his grandmother's forehead. Her skin still held a touch of warmth, showing that the end had come just before dawn, as it so often did.

He stood up, staring at the pale face. Her arms lay beside her; whether already like that or carefully arranged by Francis, he didn't know. Either way, she looked infinitely peaceful. Without the lines of pain and weariness, she looked years younger. Although her face was still lined with age, death had softened them, giving her a faintly angelic look. Now he could truly see how beautiful she must have been in her youth, smiling and laughing in happiness.

Matthew wasn't sure what he believed in, if anything, but he hoped that she was at peace. She had worn a small cross, and so he silently prayed that she was where she had hoped to be.

Tears filled his eyes suddenly. He stepped back, Francis immediately drawing his arms around him, turning him into his chest. He rubbed Matthew's blond locks comfortingly.

Matthew leaned into the embrace for a while. Then, looking up, he asked quietly, "So what happens now?"

Francis looked down at him, and shook his head slightly. "Nothing. For now, we will go and have breakfast, and I must let everyone know. I expect I will be spending most of the day on the phone, and I will have to inform the solicitor as soon as possible."

Matthew nodded. "Is there anything I can do to help?" he asked.

Francis' face softened. "Of a sort. If you would, stay with Michelle. She will no doubt take this very hard. I think it would be of great comfort to her to be with you, rather than surrounded by adults. Perhaps you two would like to spend the day in town, to take your minds off it all?"

"Alright. Does she…?" he trailed off, not wanting to finish.

"Oui. She has already been here. I believe she is downstairs now. Get dressed and have breakfast, and then I will take you two into town. I will need to go to various places anyway, so I will drop you two off. Is that alright?"

Matthew nodded. He did as his father said, dressing quickly and going downstairs.

He found Michelle sitting at the kitchen table, her eyes red and tears running down her face. Her hair was unbound, flowing down around her shoulders in long waves. She was still in her pyjamas, evidently having come straight downstairs after seeing their grandmother.

She didn't notice Matthew enter the room. Guessing that she hadn't eaten, he quickly gathered some food and walked over to the table, drawing out a chair and sitting down.

"Would you like something to eat?" he asked quietly.

Michelle turned her head to him slowly. Seeing the spread on the table, she shook her head mutely.

Matthew pressed on. "Please, eat something. It'll do you good."

She sighed. "I'm not hungry" she whispered.

"I know. I'm not really either. But we need to eat something." Somehow, he felt that talking to her normally was the best thing he could do right now.

Michelle sighed again. Leaning forward slightly, she picked up a piece of toast and took a small bite. It seemed to awaken her hunger, since she finished it and another before sitting back and resuming staring out the window. Matthew ate in silence, not knowing what to say.

"What do I do now?" Michelle suddenly asked. Matthew lifted his head, staring at her.

Tears streamed down her face, unchecked. She looked, not upset, but terrified. Matthew simply stared, clueless as to what she was so afraid of.

"Where will I go?" she whispered. "What will I do now? She was all I had left. Now I don't have anyone."

Matthew suddenly realised what she meant. He stood up quickly and ran upstairs, frantic. He searched the rooms until he found Francis.

"Papa, you have to talk to Michelle. Please, she's crying and I don't know what to say to her." His voice was rushed, words stumbling over one another. Francis turned to him, surprised.

"What is wrong? Please, Matthieu, calm down. What did you say?"

Matthew repeated himself. Francis' eyes went wide in understanding. "Oui, I see. Mon dieu, but she has worked herself up. I will go and talk to her. Don't worry, Matthieu. We are all a little worked up at the moment. Please, give us a few minutes alone. Perhaps you would like to call one of your friends?" he asked.

Matthew realised what Francis meant by that, and nodded. "Okay."

Francis smiled. "Merci, Matthieu." He pressed a quick kiss to Matthew's head, then left the room. Matthew heard his footsteps fading down the stairs. He stood in the room for a moment, then left to his own room.

Taking out his phone, he waited for it to start up. Once the familiar home screen lit up, he checked the time to make sure, then entered a quick text and hit send hurriedly.

(M): Can we talk?

He received a reply a few moments later.

(L): Oh, it's you. What's up?

(M): I just need someone to talk to. Is now a good time?

(L): I suppose.

Taking the lead, Matthew pressed 'call'. Lovino answered a moment later, his voice annoyed.

"What is this about, you stupid maple lover?"

Matthew almost laughed, but the sound caught in his throat.

"You said before that you would talk if I needed it. Well, I do now. She's gone." His voice hitched.

For a moment, the line was silent. Then, his voice much lower, and rid of any of his usual anger, Lovino answered.

"Mi dispiace, molto, Matteo. Condoglianze."

Matthew did not need to understand Italian to know the meaning of the words. In that, grief was universal, and he was grateful for it.

"Thank you, Lovi. That means a lot." He took a deep breath. "It was peaceful, at least. She was asleep."

He could tell Lovino was, for once, thinking before he spoke.

"So, what happens now?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure. I've never been to a funeral before, so I don't know how long it will be. Papa said he needs to phone people, like the solicitor and I suppose a funeral director. I don't really know much about how all this works. We're going into town today though, so he can sort things out. He's taking us out to take our minds off it, he says."

A pause. "H-how are you, then?"

Matthew kept back a strange desire to laugh. "I'm not sure. I hate to say it, but I feel sort of numb. Like, I don't know." He walked over to the door and made sure it was shut, that there was no way his voice would be heard, no matter that he was speaking English.

However, Lovino seemed to catch what he meant.

"You feel like since you haven't known her long, you don't have the right to grieve as much as your family because they have loved her more than you. Then you are upset for feeling that way, since you don't feel as bad as they do. Then it becomes a stupid muddle of anger and grief and confusion and you feel totally messed up and you don't know what to say. Is that about right?"

As usual, the Italian's bluntness had somehow cut straight to the heart of it. This time, Matthew couldn't hold back a choked laugh.

"You're amazing, you know that?" he said.

"I've been through it" was all Lovino replied.

Matthew felt tears come to his eyes. His voice wobbling, he asked "Does it get better?"

"After a while. I won't lie, the funeral is gonna be the worst. Everyone standing around in black crying and hugging each other. I don't know if it will be the same, but generally the priest says a bunch of stuff about how wonderful they were, and all that crap, then a couple of people do speeches to say the same thing. Then you have the ceremony, cremation or burial or whatever, then maybe a wake or service with a bunch of food and drink and everyone saying how great they were again. And through it all people are trying not to cry and say stuff about 'focusing on their life, not the death' and all that crap."

He was silent for a while, and Matthew waited, sensing there was more. Eventually, Lovino spoke again, his voice flat and quiet.

"Just let yourself feel whatever you want. Some people deal with grief by being really loud and crying and making a fuss, and some withdraw into themselves. It isn't anyone else's business which you are, or if you're not. You should be allowed to feel whatever the hell you feel like, and don't let anyone else tell you how to feel. And-" he stopped suddenly. Then, taking a deep breath, he continued;

"No matter how annoying it is, or whatever, just let people deal with it in their own way. You're gonna get a ton of people hugging you and stuff, but just let them. It's their way of giving comfort, no matter how stupid it feels."

Matthew listened to all of this in silence. He suddenly felt a rush of sympathy for the other teen. Lovino's words may have been harsh, blunt, but he was speaking from his own experience. Matthew could only imagine what he and Feliciano must have gone through. To lose his grandmother after such a short time was bad enough, but to have lost their mother, at such a young age?

Thinking on that, he realised that Lovino's harsh, unflinching personality was very likely as a result of that early grief. Surrounded by adults who no doubt showered them with sympathy and false concern could not have been easy. Lovino had never told him the details, and so he knew nothing of what they had gone through. Much as he might want to know, he would not ask, knowing it was up to Lovino to tell him if he wished.

Instead, he thanked him.

"What for?"

"For saying that. I'm sorry if this brings up memories. Really. Please don't say anything if you don't want to."

He heard Lovino scoff, but quietly.

"I said it before, didn't I? If you wanna talk, talk. You can't change the past, so don't whine about it. Besides-" He cut himself off, sharply.

Matthew frowned, unsure. Lovino sighed deeply.

"I'm only gonna say this once, so listen. My mother would have wanted me to say this, so I'm gonna say it."

He took a deep breath, as if readying himself.

"You can yell or cry or swear or whatever. You think you're a pushover, and to be honest you are sometimes. But now, for however long it takes for everything, it doesn't matter. Grief is hard. It makes you feel like shit. Some days you just wanna go to sleep and never wake up because maybe then they can be there in your dreams and when you do wake up it won't have happened. But it has and you have to deal with it. But you're not alone. Me and Feli had nonno, you have your father and your cousin, hell, call that guy you saw before and rant at him. Point is, its happened and she's not coming back. Deal with it however you want. I'm never gonna judge. I promise."

Matthew blinked back tears. For a long time, he simply stared at the floor, unseeing.

"Matteo? Oy, jerk, don't start bawling on me. I only said what I wanted someone to tell me. Don't go getting all weird on me."

That brought him out of it, and made him chuckle lightly. "Thanks. I'm sorry."

"Shut up, jerk" he replied, not without affection. Then, suddenly, "Oh, crap, is that the time? Damn, it's stupid club practice in an hour. I gotta get ready for a stupid practice match."

Matthew perked up at that. "Oh, how's it going?"

Lovino muttered something under his breath. "It isn't a total failure. I still hate it, but it doesn't totally suck, I suppose. I still hate the macho potato bastard but at least he's not a total jerk bastard for a coach. And Feli is too damn infatuated with him for me to yell at him."

"Oh, is he?" Matthew couldn't help but smirk.

"Don't give me that, bastard. He's a damn stupid potato loving bastard and I wouldn't let my little brother anywhere near him if I had the choice! So you better hurry up and come back here and maybe the little idiot will listen to you instead 'cuz he sure as hell ain't listening to me!"

That made Matthew laugh. It felt good to simply chat with someone like this. It helped take his mind off everything. When Lovino swore again, saying he really would be late if he didn't go, they said goodbye, Matthew promising to talk to everyone again later. He hung up, sitting back on the bed. He glanced over at the clock on his bedside table. To his surprise, they had been talking for over half an hour. Francis had no doubt finished talking to Michelle, and they were likely waiting for him.

Hurriedly, he went downstairs again.

"I'm sorry, papa. I lost track of time."

Francis looked up from where he had been kneeling in front of Michelle. His hands still held hers gently, and his face looked like he had shed tears as well.

"It's quite all right, Matthieu. Were you talking to your friend?"

Matthew nodded.

"That's good." He turned back to Michelle, his face tender.

"Now, no more tears, Cherie. Go and get dressed and then we will go into town, just the three of us. I have lots of things to take care of, so I will have to leave you two on your own for a while. Do you have anyone you want to call to meet up with? Perhaps the young man you have been calling recently?"

Michelle blushed, biting her lip. She almost smiled, then caught herself, blinking rapidly again. Francis hurriedly drew her into an embrace, shushing her.

"No, no tears. If you are happy with him, then I am happy for you. Go, meet with him. If he can take your mind off all this, then I will be forever grateful to him. If that is alright with you, Matthew?"

Matthew shook his head. "I don't mind. Shall I call him now?"

Francis nodded. "I think that would be best. Michelle, can you be ready in half an hour?"

The girl nodded. "Yes. I-I'm sorry for getting so worked up. I didn't mean to."

Francis kissed her forehead tenderly. "Never apologise for showing your emotions. We are all human, after all. It is natural to show our grief."

He stood slowly, turning his head to face Matthew. Motioning for the teen to come over to him, he drew his arms around them both.

"The coming days will be very hard, on all of us. Please, don't hide your tears. I am always here if you need me, either of you. We will get through this together, as a family. I love you both very much, remember that."

They hugged him back tightly, trying not to cry. Francis released them gently, wiping both their faces. They returned his smile tentatively.

"That's better. Now, go and get ready, both of you. I have to collect what I need from the study, and then we will be off. Please be down here again in half an hour."

The two nodded, leaving for their respective rooms.

Already dressed, Matthew suddenly realised that he ought to ring home. He did so, waiting tentatively for someone to pick up. Predictably, it was Alfred who answered.

"Yo, dude! How's it hanging?"

Matthew pursed his lips, suddenly angered at his brother's insensitive nature.

"Can you please pass me to mom, Alfred?"

"What, don't wanna talk to your bro? Cool, I get it. Hang on."

Sounding peeved, Alfred did as he requested. Matthew heard conversation in the background, then Amelia's voice.

"Sweetie? How are you?"

Matthew gulped, blinking again. "N-not great" he managed to stutter. Suddenly, the reality sunk in for him, and he started sobbing.

"She's gone" he sobbed. "W-we were talking for ages and she showed me pictures of me as a baby with my mother and Francis and we laughed and she told me so many things about him as a baby. She was so nice and everything was just so natural, like I'd always known her and she didn't even seem that bad so it was like it wasn't real. B-but papa woke me up this morning and I saw his face and I just knew. He took me to see h-her and-" he couldn't go on and collapsed into sobs.

Amelia shushed him quietly, murmuring senseless words of comfort.

"I'm sorry, darling. Shush, it's ok, it's ok. Let it out. Oh, god, I want to hug you right now. Tell me everything. Don't hold back, baby. It's fine. Let it all out."

Matthew tried to control himself enough to speak. After several gasping breaths, he managed to compose himself enough to continue.

"I-it was, good. I mean, she was asleep. So there wasn't any pain or anything. I don't think I could bear it if she had been in pain. But mom, I saw her. I've never seen someone dead before. It's really true, she did just look like she was asleep. That-that's good, right? It's good that she…fell asleep like that, isn't it?"

"Yes, yes it is darling. The very best way you can go. She's at peace now, don't you worry."

Matthew breathed deeply, trying to control his tears.

"Don't think too deeply about it, honey. Try and relax for now. Nothing's going to happened for a few days at least, so just take your time about things. I'm sure Francis has said this already, but I'm here for you whenever you want me. If you need me for anything, I'll be there/ Doesn't matter if it's three in the morning, just pick up the phone. I'm so proud of you, baby. You're my hero, you know that, right?"

Matthew laughed. "But Al always says he's the hero."

"He will be, one day. But right now, you're going through something that he can't understand. We both know he can be a little blunt at times, so try not to get mad at him for it, will you? You'll get through this, sweetie. You're so much stronger than you realise. And then, if something ever happens, you can be the best big brother in the world and help each other. I love you so much, baby."

"Love you too, mom."

"Love you more. Are you going to be alright, sweetie? I can stay on the phone as long as you need if you want to talk more."

"No, it's ok. Francis is taking me and Michelle into town so he can go to the solicitors and stuff. So we're going to meet up with Carlos. Actually, I need to ring him about that. We're leaving soon. I'm sorry for ringing so briefly."

"No problem, honey. You go and see your friend and take your mind off things. I'll speak to you later, when everyone's home, alright? I love you so much, darling. Mwah."

"Love you too. Oh, wait, mom."

"Yes?"

"Eh, can you please tell Al and dad about everything? I don't really want to…"

His mother understood immediately. "Of course, darling. Now, you go and have fun. I'll talk to you later."

"Thanks, mom. You're the best."

"Anything for my boy. Love you."

After another round of goodbyes, Matthew hung up. Too tired to repeat everything again, e texted Carlos and arranged to meet in the same place as before.

Checking his phone, he saw that it was almost time to leave. Grabbing his backpack, he slung it over his shoulder and went downstairs to the car. Francis and Michelle were there already, his cousin dressed in her usual chic style. Any hint of her tears were hidden under a thin layer of expertly applied makeup, and she even managed to smile at him.

"I'm sorry for being late. I just had to ring home quickly" he apologised.

Francis smiled sadly at him, understanding. "Of course. Did you call your friend as well?" he asked.

Matthew nodded. "He'll meet us in the same place as before, at the column."

"That's good. Well, let's go then."

A/N (2) I have a couple of confessions to make here. Firstly, the Italian is from google translate, so I apologise if it is wrong. It means 'condolences', but if that isn't the traditional phrase then please let me know and I will change it. Where I live (Scotland) the typical phrase is 'I'm sorry for your loss', but I'm not sure if that is what Lovino would say.

Secondly, while I have lost family members, I have never actually been to a funeral myself. Nor am I religious, and so in order to ensure I do not offend anyone or get the details wrong I will not describe the service itself. Lovino's description is merely from what I know and have read about how a service works, and how I imagine his reaction to it would have been, as he is remembering it from a child's point of view. If that, or anything else in this chapter is wrong or upsetting in any way, please let me know and I will make the necessary changes. This is largely not beta'd, and so I would very much appreciate any constructive criticism.

As always, thank you for reading and please consider leaving a review if you enjoyed it.