Asylum for the Unoriginal
Chapter Three: Better Safe Than Sorry
Himegan
Summary: Naruto experiences trauma which leads to some bedazzled powers.
Naruto is beaten up. This is the child trauma which somehow manages to convince the Kyuubi that Naruto must have some power.
Very long paragraphs centering on philosophy and the Hokage's musing about his daily schedule lead up to the good part.
Naruto wakes up in aroom with white curtains, white walls, and white sheets on the bed. That he is in. It is quite obvious where he is, although he asks the question anyway, since the author wants to add some sort of 'mystery' to the story, but miserably fails. "Where am I, Sakura-chan?" he directs to Sakura, who has just entered the room. His question is never answered.
"Naruto, what did they do to you?" she gruffly screams in a questioning manner. By the way, this scene is set in a hospital.
Naruto, the injured hero, called a hero for the apparent reason of letting somebody beat him up and getting saved by somebody else, nobly says, "They. . . they. . . ." he trails off, looking lost. Sakura is grabbing on to his words. She smiles at him for encouragement. She wants to know what happened, so she can gossip with Ino about it and laugh at Naruto. Naruto is encouraged by this smile.
"They. . . beat me up," he finishes, and looks to the side, tears blurring his eyesight. After he wipes the tears away with the back of his supposedly injured and bruised hand, he notices that his eyesight is. . . weird. It is a subtle change, but something seems odd, somehow. Everything has turned a faint shade of pink. Not so faint that you wouldn't notice it, but not so intense that it would grab your attention. The dresser was pink. The floor was pink. His hand was pink. His jacket was. . . wait for it. . . pink! Also, there were little sparkles everywhere.
He looks back at Sakura, confused and looking for an explanation.
But he is shocked, as he sees Sakura in a frothy red dress with her—ugh—pink hair all curled up and bouncing upon her shoulders. Her forehead protector has turned into a ruby-and-amethyst-encrusted tiara! She also has sparkles around her person.
Naruto faints. He apparently has the power to see 'girls' as princesses. The end.
P.S. I LOVE THIS CLICHE AND I CANNOT LIE!
Reviews: 2000+
15% Of The Reviewers: Blah blah, constructive criticism blah.
70% Of The Reviewers: WHAT A CRAP POWER!11!one!
15% Of The Reviewers: I like it, please update, I have the mindset of a five year-old girl or am extremely curious and want to see the other girls as princesses.
Futari
Summary: Futari Haku and the bad—and good—things that come with being a futari. But mostly bad.
Haku starts dragging Zabuza's heavy, heavy body away. He is on his period, and in no mood to be on a mission. In fact, he is so overcome with hormones that he forgets the jutsu to transport Zabuza's 'dead' body away. He grumbles under his breath.
Once at the camping site, he unceremoniously dumps Zabuza on the scorched, burnt grass which had been the recent site for a campfire, and angrily zips down the tent to sleep and stew. Then sleep again, then go kill Gatou.
Zabuza yelps and starts running around, the flames reignited on his back. He regains his senses and puts the fires out with a random obscure water jutsu involving fire hydrants and dog pee. He is mad all right. Very, very mad.
Zabuza runs at the tent and slices it down the middle with Kubikirihocho. (Yay, the author remembers the name!) He looks down and sees Haku glaring at him. All of a sudden, his anger drains and his fear escalates. The end—
Oh, wait, there's another scene?
Naruto is mystified by this beautiful, beautiful girl in pink. It is all he can do not to pick her up, sling her over his shoulder, and run back to Konoha to turn her into a cute cat ear-wearing slave and—ahem, well, Naruto's desires aside, the girl is very, very beautiful.
Haku certainly does not feel very, very, beautiful, beautiful. No. He is on his period. Only a mirror can give him some esteem now. Esteem the size of a mustard seed! And rage the size of a big hotdog! With mustard!
Haku smiles. There is a hint of hysteria, and dementia to it. "Good morning, shinobi-san," he says politely. "I am picking herbs."
Naruto returns the smile with his trademark close-eyes-like-a-Chinese-person face. "Really? That's cool!" he says enthusiastically.
"Y—yes. I have to give them to my special person." Haku grits his/her teeth.
"That's cool too!"
"I hate orange!"
"Wow! Cool!"
The full force of Haku's period rears its not-so-pretty-anymore head. "You know what else is cool, SHINOBI-SAN? Huh, huh?" he almost screams. Damn the mission! He pulls down his pants, along with his underwear. "ISN'T THIS COOL?"
Naruto takes one look, screams, and dies inside.
Tattooed on Haku's abdomen is what would be Sakura and Lee's baby. AND IT WAS TRULY HIDEOUS! The end.
P. S. Lawl.
Reviewers: 500
99.8% of the Reviewers: WHAT THE—
.1% of the Reviewers: I love Futari Haku and Futaris don't have any periods blah blah.
.1% of the Reviewers: Wow, man, that's a low blow, using menstruation to make something funny.
Rejection
Summary: In a modern society where everything is called gay for no reason, Sai is afraid what could happen if he came out. AU.
Naruto stumbles upon a rock. "Darnit! What a gay rock!" he yells, shaking its fist at it. Sai, beside him, looks down and shares a mutual empathy with the rock. You're hated for what you are, he thinks. And because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Sai and Naruto continue on their not-leisurely-anymore stroll. Suddenly, Naruto gets a face full of white gooey stuff.* He wipes it off with a random leaf that had probably been peed on by a dog, and shakes his fist at a five year-old with a bottle of Elmer's Glue. "You gay little jerk!" he shouts at the kid. The kid looks like he regrets nothing, and sticks his tongue out and flicks Naruto a bird. Cut-out. With the ultra-seriousness of the under six.
Sai—snicker—sighs and thinks more depressing thoughts, now transferred to the kid instead of the rock. If only it were that easy, kid. If I was just brave enough to tell everybody, stick my tongue out at them, and flick a paper bird at them, I wouldn't need to worry at all.
Naruto notices his sigh. "What's with the sigh,"—here the author snickers(again)—"Sai?" Sai looks off to the side."Naruto, there's something I've always kept secret," he says. "And I was afraid that you would shun me if I told you."
Naruto cocks his head to the side and does his trademark close-eyes-like-a-Chinese-person face. "What is it, Sai? You can tell me anything," says he. "C'mon, I'm not a girl. You can tell me. We guys keep secrets!" he adds in a macho manner.
Sai says, "You would agree with me if you were a girl, you know."
"I would agree with you if I was a girl, boy, or a futari!" Naruto encourages Sai.
Sai steels himself, closes his eyes and says, "I don't like watching lesbians make out." Naruto is unusually quiet. Sai opens his eyes.
"Well, then," Naruto finally manages to utter. "I guess you're. . . gay."
P.S. *YOU THOUGHT IT WAS BIRD POOP DIDN'T YOU.
Reviews: 200+
35% Of The Reviewers: Very. . . depressing.
35% Of The Reviewers: Heh.
30% Of The Reviewers: HOW CAN YOU NOT WANT TO LOOK AT LESBIANS MAKE OUT, ALSO WE ARE STRAIGHT MEN.
Hidden Away
Summary: What if Naruto was born a girl? And has to hide as a boy? How annoying are questions in the summary? Find out.
Sasuke Uchiha is in a coma. No, not really. Sasuke is sparring with Naruto. He is very, very bored. He watches Naruto's leg move, and dodges the kick that comes his way. He also dodges the punch that is thrown his way. In short, he dodges everything. And punches Naruto in the face a few times. A Katon would finish this idiot. A burned/charred/scorched/combusted/flambéd/seared/smoked/smoldering/ignited/incinerated Naruto, only three seals away, he wistfully thinks. Too bad Iruka prohibited ninjutsu in this fight. No, he has not run out of synonyms for burned. Yet.
Naruto, the obviously male village pariah(because that's what most authors call him) is sweating and huffing. Finally, he executes a spinning/flying kick. Somehow, his jacket lifts and Sasuke sees bandages. He gets curious as to why Naruto, the male village pariah, wears bandages on his chest. He decides to ask.
"You have bandages on your chest, dobe, which obviously means you are a female and have developed the more feminine regions of your body, thus forcing you to use bandages as a covering since you are either not allowed in clothes stores or are too lazy and embarrassed to go to said clothes stores, but I will proceed to ignore this in favour of trying to find out what is under those bandages," Sasuke says loftily. "So, what is under those bandages?"
"I'm not telling you!" Naruto exclaims. "But if you beat me in some spar in which I am confident I will win because I have learned a new jutsu that I randomly picked up from somewhere, cough the second drawer of the Hokage's desk cough, I will show you!"
Thus starts the battle that ends with Naruto taking off his jacket, showing that he is actually a she. Surprising.
Sasuke then falls in love with Naruko, and they live happily ever after, after Sakura dies of a fireball-related death. The end.
P.S. Questions in the summary are annoying.
Reviews: 50
60% of the Reviewers: OMG SASUFEMNARU THIS IS BETTER THAN THE YAOI FORM
40% of the Reviewers: How the hell does the author know the exact percentage of reviewers saying the same thing?
Beaten
Summary: Naruto, through a bunch of random events that do not appear to be linked, ends up saving Hinata's life. Also, excessive stuttering.
Hyuuga Hinata is at the dinner table, eating caviar and some other things. She is angsting about some other other things, when Hyuuga Neji comes out of nowhere and sits across her, his icy, frosty, soul-chilling, refrigerating, freeze-drying glare penetrating her. Which part of her body that was penetrated is left unsaid.
The white-eyed heiress cracks a smile at him. "A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ano, Ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-neji-ku-ku-ku-ku-ku-kun, H-h-h-h-h-h-h-ho-ho-hohoho-how a-a-a-are y-y-y-y-y-y-y-you?"
The long-haired boy, instead of ignoring her, continues to glare, and says, "I hate you so much I wish you would die in front of me, a horrible, agonizing, torturous, slow death somehow involving tentacles piercing your stomach and coming out your mouth and black fire, something only the Sharingan can create."
His frightened cousin gasps, like she does not know that, and starts crying. "I-I-I-I-I-I-I'm s-s-s-s-s-s-so-so-so-sorry, N-n-ne-ne-ne-ne-neji-ku-ku-ku-ku-ku-kun, I-I-I-I—"
The angry branch member shoves her to the ground, despite the fact that they were both sitting down, and stares at the dark-haired beauty with hatred in his eyes. "Sorry, will do nothing, you useless –censored–." The table disappears, and they are suddenly in a field in the middle of nowhere. The moon shines down upon them and stuff. The plot thickens. (Insert annoying Author's Note in middle of story here, yakking about how this actually happened in the author's dream.)
The caged bird starts kicking the girl in the stomach. The main clan member starts sputtering blood, but does not try to defend herself. She pleads for him to stop, but he is not listening. He procures a whip out of nowhere and hits her expertly in her face and what exposed skin she has. "No! No! No!" the abused female screams, but everybody knows that means yes. (Suspiciously, her stutter is gone.)
The guy in the white shirt puts a foot on her mouth to shut his relative up, and lifts a heavy club, with spikes protruding from it, out of his pocket, which is possible, the author argues, since he is a ninja and therefore has a limitless pocket that can hold anything. He hefts the club up on one shoulder, spits on the well-endowed girl, and lifts the club to hit her in the head many times. Insert stars and spiral-y anime eyes.
Uzumaki Naruto is eating ramen for dinner and decides to go take a pee in the bush. The village pariah walks into the bush, and unzips the prankster's pants. After doing the future Hokage's business, the jinchuuriki zips up the blonde's pants. The number-one knuckleheaded ninja hears screams from a field nearby, and the dead-last decides to investigate the weird sounds. There, the tanned boy finds the guy beating the guy's cousin. The whiskered idiot beats the girly-looking brown-haired guy and rescues the pretty girl. The two people marry and live happily ever after. The end.
P.S. The last paragraph is what it would be like if pronouns ceased to exist. The rest of the story is certainly not lacking in noun phrases as well. Also, I do not condone abuse and so on. The whole story is quite OOC.
Reviews: Does it even matter?+
50% of the Reviewers: AHH NARUHINA OMGOMGOMG!1!1!
Other 50% of the Reviewers: The last paragraph sounds like there's a zipping-unzipping-pants-party going on.
Reborn
Summary: Madara U****a is reborn. What the hell? (Censored in case of spoilers.)
Madara U****a laughs at Naruto Uzumaki's plight. "I laugh at your plight," he says. His R******n eyes flash and he spits disgustedly on Naruto, and smiles cruelly. (He actually just had something in his mouth, a fly or something, maybe, and had aimed at a spot beside Naruto, but failed at this task.)
Naruto Uzumaki's face is stained with blood, and he allows a grimace to grace(a rhyme?) his features. "So, this is it? I hope you're happy, Madara," he says heroically, even as he is dying and is forced to keep living through sheer force of will. This will, or Konoha's Will of F**e, as many called it, had made him Hokage, and as he lies dying under the foot of Madara U****a, he regrets nothing. Nothing!
Madara is about to say something, when a rainbow flashes out of the raining sky and pink electricity dances all around him in the form of beautiful sparks. His eyes widen, and some of the pink shocks decide to dart into his eyes. He closes them quickly. When he opens them, the concentric r**gs around the pupils in his eyes have turned into the colors of the rainbow. The raven looks down. Naruto has disappeared. Is this some kind of genjutsu?
His life ends as the words die on his lips. ("OH HELP THESE SMOKIN' HOT LIPS ARE BURNING US TO DEATH!")
Madara finally wakes up. He thinks it is in the Underworld since, seriously?, there is a mobile on the ceiling with unicorns hanging from it. Also, everything is a fluffy baby blue. In fact, he has grown several sizes smaller. In fact, when he looks at his hands, they are smooth, creamy, pudgy. There are no calluses, no bruises on these hands. In fact, Madara is pretty sure he has turned into an infant in the Underworld.
A couple comes in. Insert long description of woman here detailing one particular feature e.g., Her beautiful caramel eyes stared at you, penetrated your soul etc. Insert short description of man here, e.g., He was ugly etc.
The woman lifts him up. (Madara thinks her hands are soft, but not as soft as his, because nobody could beat him. At anything.) She coos at him, and brings out a tube of whatever liquid she has on her at the time. (Ketchup.) Squeezing a bit of ketchup onto her thumb, she draws a line across the baby's forehead, declaring, "This baby used to be a shinobi in his past life, and I am not supposed to know this. But, as the author is either a tard or I am all-knowing, I shall now give this baby the name he used to have in the past life. Plus my last name. Plus a random name from Disney that does not exist here. I now declare this baby Madara U****a-Pachinkoyametsukihanahime-Simba."
Madara grows up, and masters all the five million elements that can be found in the shinobi world, and repeats his past life by stealing the R******n and summoning huge rainbow m****rs from the sky to crush everybody. The end.
P.S. Overpowered Madara say What?
Reviews: OVER 9 MILLION!
Most of the Reviewers: This is actually a good story.
Some of the Reviewers: This is an okay story.
Few of the Reviewers: The above are morons.
.001% of the Reviewers: How did this get so many reviews?
A~N: Ah, well, Reborn is a preview of the next chapter. Akatsuki Chapter. Woot. And I will only say this for the third and last time.
I own nothing. This applies to all my stories, and all the chapters. I don't own these cliches which were, I assure you-myself, probably formerly original and awesome until people decided to repeat them over and over and over until they got boring and people like me decided to make fun of them. I do own these tidbit stories, though. (PLAGIARIZE AND I WILL-) The idea of a cliché compendium is definitely NOT mine, I do not condone abuse, I don't own Disney, I don't own any references. Also, I heard that Fanfiction adds an automatic disclaimer, so why the hell did I just type this?