My Saviour is My Enemy
So yeah, I suck. I know, it's been a long time since I've updated anything on . As I said in my author's note earlier, I've been super busy. When I last updated I was in school, and now I'm working at a full time job. My life has been a rollercoaster, but it always has been. I am back though, I'm working out storyboards for my fan-fictions. Including both of my other InuYasha stories. Yes, this means that I will be looking back at Second Chance and working out how to continue with it. But this story will be my main focus, mainly because of how much I enjoy writing it. Now, I know I usually go through all of the reviews that I've gotten, but I got a lot of reviews since I've last posted. So, instead I simply want to say this.
I'm sorry for disappearing on all of you, especially those who have been with me since the very beginning. I deeply appreciate all of your support, and I continue to appreciate it as I go on with my writing. There is one special shout out I would like to make, and that is to Matsuo Hotaru, thank you for pointing out my error to me. For those of you who don't know, I had made a big error when it came to Sesshomaru meeting Choemi. I fixed it as soon as it pointed out to me, but I can promise this, I will be freaking proofreading before I submit this time. That being said I've gone on long enough, thank you for your support, I'm working on the next chapter, as well as updating my other stories as well. On with the show!
Also I wasn't sure if I had been keeping up with Sesshomaru having one arm as I did in chapter 6, but I will be keeping up with this, as you can see from this chapter. Sorry, this story has spanned a few years and my writing style is nothing like what it was in the beginning. Trust me, just look at my last chapter and the chapters to come. I apologize for all the inconsistencies in the story so far and I will be doing all that I can to avoid them in the future.
TRIGGER WARNING: This Chapter Has a Suicide Attempt! (Sorry Spoiler…)
Disclaimer: *sighs* Alright, I do not own any of them, you caught me, and I'm but a humble writer warping someone else's brain children to my will. *laughs maniacally*
Chapter 16: Doubts, Deceit, and Desire
"I'm glad that you're awake and well… good night Miko."
Kagome took in a ragged breath as she watched him give a short bow before turning and walking from the room. She sat there frozen for a moment before quickly running her fingers through her hair, her knees curling up towards her chest as the realization of what she had just done dawned on her.
She had kissed Sesshomaru. Sesshomaru, the Taiyoukai of the Western lands, InuYasha's half-brother, a man that had tried to kill her in the past. She shook her head, trying to clear her mind from what had happened, but all that she could think about was his kind words that had taken her from the nightmare just moments before. Somehow his kind words had taken away the mind tearing feeling of InuYasha raping her. This man who many claimed (and believed) to have no emotions, he had been the one to lighten the mood and wake her up. He'd called her strong, beautiful, called her words that were the polar opposite to what she was accustomed to hearing.
He'd even managed to change her dream, for the second time, and she couldn't deny that waking up next to him for the second time had helped calm her that much more. In that moment she had truly felt like someone cared for her, and she'd also realized that she cared deeply for him. Or at least she thought she did, now that he'd walked from the room she found herself doubting what she was feeling. What if she was simply attaching herself to him because he reminded her of InuYasha? While it was true that he was nothing like InuYasha, aside from his stubborn nature, there had to be some screwed up reason why she was attracted to him. After all, all of her 'relationships' seemed screwed up, it only seemed to make sense that she was taking things horribly out of proportion like she had in the past.
InuYasha, Kouga, Hojo, none of them were normal, and they all had their own strange way of treating her. Okay, strange was one way to put it, InuYasha was a brash loud mouthed man that always seemed to put himself first, never stopping no matter whose feelings he hurt. Then there was Kouga, the man who simply could not take no for an answer, of course that had changed with his mating, but he still treated her the same whenever their paths crossed. Finally there was Hojo, he was the most normal of them all, but she supposed that was the problem. He was normal, when it came to her life back in Japan, she knew that no matter what happened, when the Naraku issue was finally said and done, she would never be able to live a 'normal life' in her own time. Honestly the future didn't really feel like her home anymore, she'd spent such a long time in the past that it seemed more like home than the future ever had.
Then there was Sesshomaru, true he was different from the other men she was used to. He was more reserved, held back, but when he did open himself up, she was able to see something about him that intrigued her. He was a man that claimed to hate humans, and yet he'd brought Rin into his life, and he cared for her like a daughter, even if he didn't admit to doing so. Then there was how he treated her, he was kind to her, despite her devotion to InuYasha, and he even went out of his way to help her with the situation that she currently found herself in. Not only giving her assistance with finding out how to get rid of the marking, and just what Naraku had done to her, but helping her with her training as well. He didn't have to do so either, but he was, and this only aided in adding to her already growing confusion.
She thought about all of this as she sat on the bed, but despite all her thoughts, and all of her assumptions. There was only one certainty, she had kissed him, and he had walked away. "But he kissed you back,' argued a small portion of her mind. She didn't know if she could believe if that had really happened though, all that was certain at that moment was the simple fact that he had walked away. She focused on this fact, and this fact only, and as she did she began to panic.
What if there had been nothing there, what if she had imagined the whole 'feelings' bit? What if she'd made a horrid mistake? Here he was helping her, probably just because he felt honour bound for her saving Rin. And she had kissed him, she had forced herself on him, she'd brought disruption to his household with her restless dreams, her screams. She'd repaid him in horrible ways, and then in the very worst way, she'd forced herself on him. She found herself surprised that he hadn't just up and killed her there for her stupidity.
Then there was the fact that she realized something else, something that she hadn't wanted to admit. That she'd all but given up on InuYasha. While it was true that there would always be a part of her that was in love with him, she knew that there would never be anything like that between them. When she looked at him, she couldn't see the man that she'd once loved, the man that she had kissed so passionately to bring back from the control that his demon blood had held over him. His habit of constantly comparing her to Kikyou, and tearing her down mentally and emotionally at every chance that he got, broke her down, and caused her to stop caring for him as she once had. At least, that was how she felt, or wanted to feel. There was another part of her that cared deeply for him. He'd been her first love, and the moments that he did show his compassion and kind heart simply brought that back out. The moments when he stood before her to take on a foe, or on the nights of the New Moon when his true feelings were less hindered by his stubborn Demon nature. She felt like a woman constantly torn between two places. Whether it was her home, her heart, or even her happiness, there was no simple choice for her. Even as she had been growing to know the people around her, Hikari, Rin, Sesshomaru, she felt a growing kinship with them, causing her to want to stay with them, to get to know them better.
This of course led her to feel like she was abandoning her pack with Sango, Miroku, and Shippou, but at that moment, she didn't even know if they were alive. She'd heard nothing of them, and she worried that something had happened to them at the same time that she had been attacked. After all, there had to be a reason why they hadn't come after her, why she hadn't heard anything. Unless of course they had given up on her, or thought her dead… Neither thoughts were reassuring, and they only aided in making her feel worse.
She wrapped her arms around her legs, trying to take her mind from the two Inu brothers, the one that probably thought her dead, and the one that she had just kissed. She feared that Sesshomaru would kick her out, send her away from the Castle for her stupid mistake. She knew that she could not protect herself on her own, InuYasha had made sure to remind her of that at every turn. She was a beacon with the jewel shards, a beacon by being a weak miko with little training. She was nothing more than a magnet for trouble, and she doubted that if Sesshomaru turned her away there would be anyone to come and save her.
She ended up curled up in the fetal position, falling asleep with her concerns about the kiss, her feelings for Sesshomaru and InuYasha, and her worries about Sango Miroku and Shippou fresh in her mind.
She opened her eyes moments after falling asleep to find herself standing in a clearing in the middle of the forest. She looked around in confusion before noticing Sesshomaru standing off to the side, his face clear of any expression as he stared down at her. She gave him a confused look as she stepped towards him before a strange sound stopped her dead in her tracks. She stared at him, tilting her head as she tried to figure out what it was, before she overheard a sharp cackling like laugh coming from Sesshomaru, his lips twisting into a faint sneer.
"You're pathetic, you know that human?"
Her eyes widened as she heard this, his deep baritone cutting through the clearing and catching her off guard. "Did you honestly think that This Sesshomaru would ever feel anything for such a weak, useless girl such as yourself? You're nothing more than a pathetic mortal, if it were not for you these lands would not be in peril. Even a child is able to show more strength than you are. You constantly find yourself in peril, needing someone to save you, when you lack the ability to save yourself. You're disgusting, just like that pathetic half-breed."
She had slowly backed away from him, his words cutting as deep and as painfully as she knew his claws were capable of doing, stopping only when she ran back first into a tree. At least that was what she had thought it to be, however she was surprised when the 'tree' suddenly shoved her forward. She stumbled forward, quickly turning around and staring at InuYasha who had a haughty look on his face, his eyes rimmed red in a display that sent a small chill of fear down her spine.
"Keh, come on bastard , give me a bit more credit than that. I'm far better off than she is. After all, I can at least take care of myself, hell if it wasn't for her I'd be fine on my own. Then she comes along and fucks everything up, after all Kags, you broke the jewel. Had that not happened, well, we could have just made the damn wish to turn me into a Full Youkai and none of this would have happened. Naraku wouldn't have gotten as powerful as he did, probably allowing Miroku to kill him off with little issues. Sango's family would be alive and well, and her brother wouldn't be controlled, or constantly trying to kill her. Same goes for Shippou, the brat's parents would be alive, and he'd be fine. We would all be fine if it hadn't been for you fucking everything up. You don't even make a good reincarnation, you're nothing more than a pale imitation of a great woman."
Kagome seemed to cringe at every word from him before stopping, his last words igniting something in her, a part of her that remained dominant in her life. That was of course, her stubborn nature. The last thing that he said to her reminded her of something. "Great woman? Are you talking about the woman that tried to kill you? The woman that would rather you change who you are, instead of accepting you for who you are? Are you talking about the woman who pinned you to a damn tree for fifty years to keep you from the jewel that drove you mad simply being around, that still drives you mad simply by being around it? I'm glad I'm nothing like her, because she's not a good person, a good person would not spend her days brought back from reincarnation trying to drag you back to hell?"
"Are you really that naïve?
She turned around, looking to Kikyou who was standing to the side. She was clad in her usual miko clothing, the very clothing that Kagome loathed wearing, she despised people looking to her and mistaking her for Kikyou, since in her honest opinion, she looked nothing like the woman. Even as she looked to her now, there was a dead coldness to her and her eyes that simply unsettled Kagome, reminding her that this woman was not of the world of the living, nothing more than a very realistic clay doll with the stolen remnant of her own soul trapped within it.
"I saw he needed to change because he would never be content the way that he is, he'll always be at war with the two halves of himself. By choosing a side he can be fully accepted by one of his races. You're naïve and stupid to think that him remaining a half breed would be good for him. Also, what you think about me doesn't matter, even undead I'm more capable of taking care of myself than you are. You're a pathetic excuse of a Miko, and I'm disgusted that you're my reincarnation." She said while walking over to InuYasha, placing a hand on his shoulder and giving him a gentle kiss to the cheek.
Kagome shook her head once more only to hear Sesshomaru speak once more from behind her, "Face it human, you're nothing, always have been, and always will be. It's pathetic that you even thought that This Sesshomaru would feel anything for you. You have no strength, no power, you have no looks, and barely any intelligence about you. Were it not for those that you hang off of like a useless child you would have died your first day here. Even now you only survive because This Sesshomaru allow it, and you are naïve enough to believe that This Sesshomaru would feel anything for you."
She searched for words to reply to this, tried in vain to remember the words that he had woken her up with earlier. He had spoken kind words, had he not? Hadn't he been the one to bring her from a terrifying dream? Or had that been a dream as well? Was this a dream, another horrid heart wrenching false reality brought about by Naraku? Her perception of what was and wasn't real felt very unstable at that moment. She stared at him, trying to find reason behind his words, and the kind words that he'd said before, even if he hadn't said them… Hadn't he said them? Before she could think of anything to say in response though she heard another voice enter the clearing, this one cut deeper than the two men before her, for it was the voice of the boy she looked to as a son.
"Wow Kagome, are you really so stupid that you think that we need you? Why do you think that we haven't come looking for you? We're finally free of you, Kikyou is finally with the group and we have a Miko who can actually be of use. We don't have you whining about being tired, or wanting to go home to your time to do your tests. I mean come on, are your tests so important that they matter more than saving the world? Or keeping to your promises, you remember how you promised to take care of me? It's kind of hard to do that when you're gone all the damn time taking your tests." He was standing on InuYasha's shoulder as he said this, only to have Kikyou pick him up in her arms and cradle him as a mother would.
"What about the promise to assist me in having the curse removed from my hand? Do you not realize that there is a time constraint on that? I could die any day, but no, you have to go off for your own selfish means. You force us to stop after such a short period of walking because you're nothing more than a weak spoiled child." Miroku was now standing by InuYasha's side, his arms crossed and his staff held in his arms.
"Or the promise to aid me in saving Kohaku? What ever happened to that promise? Instead you go home to your own brother and bring back insulting tales of how well he is, rubbing it in my face that you can see him whenever you like while my brother is forced to be nothing more than a puppet for Naraku. You speak of coming from a time where women are raised up, are respected, but I see nothing more than a spoiled shameless woman who relies on the strengths of others to survive. You provide nothing for our group, weighing us down and being nothing more than a useless distraction in battle." Sango was now by Kikyou's side, her eyes narrowed in hatred on Kagome.
By this point Kagome was curled into a defensive stance on the ground, unconsciously closer to Sesshomaru than she was the group that had become her family. After all, her subconscious screamed out to her that he was important to her, that he protected her and brought her comfort. But this was not being shown as he spoke up once more.
"You see human? No one here needs you, nor do they want you here. You are a burden."
This last sentence was spoken by everyone, and it seemed to finally break her already cracked psyche, causing her shoulders to sag as she broke down crying. The sound of their last words ringing in her ears as the realization that she had no reason to be in the past set in on her completely.
She woke up after this, bolting up in her sleep and looking around in vain, hoping to see Sesshomaru. But he wasn't there, and from a quick search with her powers, she couldn't even feel him nearby. "Of course, he left because I'm a naïve fool." She muttered while tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear as she bunched up the blankets in her lap, clenching them tightly as her brain refreshed the painful memories from the dream again and again. To make matters worse her shoulder was searing with pain, reminding her of the mark that could only be removed through nearly impossible means. Killing Naraku seemed such an unreachable goal at that point, as if there was no one who could defeat him or his close allies. Not even Sesshomaru, a Taiyoukai even he was bested the spider, none could match him, and even the thought of an alliance seemed impossible. InuYasha and Sesshomaru would never join sides, and Kouga was now a father as far as she knew. As for killing a Fallen/Divine, or what she'd been told was actually an Angel, a species that had died out ages before, well that was impossible. Then there was the laughable notion of finding her soul mate, she'd believed in such things a long time ago, when things had been simpler, but time had changed that. Brash heart breaking InuYasha had destroyed that, now she thought the notion to be naive. Hikari had tried to explain to her how she could tell if someone was her soul mate, but she'd ignored him, after all, even if her soul mate was to exist, it wasn't even her soul, she was stealing it, was she not?
She thought about the people that she cared the most about, seeing the 'truth' behind their words. How she was holding them back from their goals, how she was hindering them coming about their happiness. She did nothing but cause them pain, did nothing but hold them back, did nothing but get in the way.
They had been right in her dream, she was a burden, even back in the future she was a burden on her family. They constantly were left wondering if she was alive, given half truths about what was going on beyond the well. She had even shamed them by finally dropping out of school so she could spend more time in the past, allowing her to spend months away instead of weeks. She never spoke the truth to them fully of the dangers she was willingly placing herself in on the other side of the well. Her grand-father was tolerated despite his knowledge of the past in his helpfulness in certain situations. Her mother was taken advantage of for her kindness in helping out with her travels beyond the well. She spent a great deal of money on making sure that Kagome was okay. Then there was Souta, after Kagome's father had died she had been very close with him, taking care of him whenever her mother and grand-father couldn't. They were very close as siblings, and she'd been doing nothing more than leaving him behind, only visiting him as sparsely as she did the rest of her family. She was letting down the people in the future just as much as she was the people in the past. She didn't belong anywhere, or anytime, and as she realized this she slowly brought herself to her feet, wavering slightly as she felt another surge of pain through her shoulder.
She walked slowly towards the balcony of her room, stepping out onto the cool stone, placing her hands on the ledge as she looked out over the beautiful lands of Japan. It was hard for her to believe that in five hundred years the scenery would be so changed, going from endless beautiful forests, teeming with life and creatures that would be left to legends and myths to towering cities filled with humans who would never know the truth of the history of the land. She had no doubts that had things worked out differently she would have remained in the past, where it was possible to breath without worrying about pollution. Here everything was still pure, pretty much untouched by all that would happen. No World Wars had happened yet, no technology yet existed, the world was simple, and she preferred it that way. She actually was somewhat pleased that she was going to be leaving the world in such a beautiful location.
She slowly climbed up onto the railing of the balcony, continuing to look out towards the forest as she thought back to the happy times spent in the past. She thought about InuYasha, and falling in love with him, helping him to see the man that she saw when she looked at him. She didn't see him as torn or broken, he was perfect the way he was, if he took away either of his two halves he wouldn't be the same man. He was a strong man who was more caring and accepting than he let on, doing what he could to help anyone in need, whether they be human, demon, or somewhere in between.
She thought about Shippou, the young kit who had become like a child to her. His kind light hearted ways were often just what their group needed after a long day of travelling and fighting for their survival or the latest shard piece. Miroku also had a way of bringing joy to the group, his hentai ways often bringing a laugh if only because he was being smacked upside the head by Sango. There was also the deep Buddhist wisdom that brought sense and calm to their hectic lives. His intelligence when it came to conning people also assisted in getting them food when things were sparse… no matter how cruel it seemed.
Then there was Sango, the woman who she'd formed a very strong sisterly bond with, yes, Miroku was like a brother to her. But Sango brought something more to Kagome's life, she was the big sister that she had never had. She taught her about life, about how to fight and survive, and about finding strength when it seemed like there was none to be found. In many ways Sango was the woman that Kagome looked up to and wanted to be like.
And finally there was Sesshomaru, the man that surprised her in many ways. She'd feared him at first, terrified of who he was, and what he was capable of. But then she'd been allowed to see a new side to him, a kind caring side that showed her the man that he truly was, instead of the man that everyone thought him to be. While it was true he was still the man capable of killing perfection, but he was so much more than that. He was a man of many layers that she'd wanted to get to know, but she'd read him all wrong, forced herself on him… and just like she'd done with everything else, screwed things up.
She felt a few tears roll down her cheeks and she took in a deep breath, her chest aching from holding back the sobs that were just beneath the surface. She let one free before whispering a somewhat strangled, "I'm sorry, Sesshomaru." She was sorry that she'd misinterpreted things, sorry that she'd wasted his time… sorry that she'd simply reinforced that humans were weak pathetic beings. These were the thoughts that were last on her mind as she wavered a few times in the wind before finally leaning forward and letting gravity take its course, plummeting the more than fifteen stories straight down to the ground. She let out another sob as she finally let go, only to gasp out in fear as the mere feeling of the fall caught up with her, and the realization that it would truly be over soon.
Sesshomaru dashed forward the second he watched Kagome fall from the balcony, his heart racing at the fear that he might not save her. He pushed off from the ground, the wind whipping at his long hair and tail as he focused solely on catching Kagome. And catch her he did. She had turned mid fall, her beautiful face illuminated in the moonlight. He caught her as gently as he could, not wanting any harm to come to her. It vaguely registered to him that he was carrying her in the same manner that he had when he'd first come across her. His tail was curled up around her legs, supporting her butt, and her back, while his arm was just beneath her shoulders. He fell back down to the ground gracefully, landing as only he could, though he lowered himself to one knee as he cradled her close to him, cursing the lack of his second arm while he looked to her face.
She had been briefly knocked unconscious from the fear of the fall and the muffled impact of his catch. He allowed his tail to wrap around her, holding her as he'd held Rin many times in the past, fearful that if he let her go for even a moment she might slip away from him. Once she was secure in his grasp, he moved his hand from her back, cupping her cheek gently as he watched her eyes flutter open.
It took her a moment to realize that the impact that she had felt had not in fact been her death, that instead it had been someone saving her. She looked up with wide confused eyes as she noticed that it was in fact Sesshomaru who had caught her. What surprised him even more was the worry she could see in his eyes, and the fact that he was cupping her cheek with his hand.
Before he had a chance to speak she flew into a flurry of apologies, beginning to cry as she said, "I'm so sorry I pushed myself on you! I should have never done that, I know I'm nothing more than a weak human! I'm a burden to everyone, you, InuYasha, Sango, Shippou, Rin. I hold everyone back, I cause everyone pain. Even my family, they suffer so much and it's all my fault." She closed her eyes as she said this, curling up slightly as she began to sob loudly and freely. "It's all my fault…"
He balked to this, taking everything she said and tossing it aside like the rubbish it was. Instead he trailed his hand down her cheek and gently cupped her chin with his deadly claws, this time paying heed to his beast as it urged, "Comfort her, show her she is wrong."
"You are wrong." He simply started, noting that she seemed too wrapped up in her grief to heed him, so he continued, stroking the underside of her chin with a finger as he continued, "You are wrong because it is not all your fault. There are many at fault for the situation at hand, and the actions that you have taken are not as damaging as you believe them to be. You are not at fault because from what I know of you and your travels, you have done nothing more than attempt to assist those you come across. You are not at fault because you work to mend the errors you do make, working to better yourself and learn more of the world around you."
He watched as she fought with her sobs, fighting her pent up emotions before she slowly opened her eyes, looking to him as she countered, "But- But I broke the jewel."
"And had you not it would have fallen into the hands of a demon who would have wrought much carnage to the humans of these lands, and no doubt yourself as well. Even more lives would have been lost in the fight for the control of the jewel, one that would have laid waste to not only the humans who reside here, but also the demon's as well. The jewel is a corrupting power to all those who wish it for its power, my idiotic half brother is proof enough of that. What you did allowed not only for the safety of the humans in that area, but also for time. Time that would be needed in your training as a Miko worthy and capable of possessing such a gem without also being corrupted by the jewel. You needed to break the jewel, so you might know truly what it is capable of, and in that way, have a desire greater than anyone else in destroying it, rather than using it for your own gains."
She seemed hesitant to believe him as she listened to this, not wanting to believe him, not sure if she could believe that she'd done anything to help. "But InuYasha could have… what if he'd become a full demon? What if Kikyou had been the one to care for the jewel… It didn't have to be me." She said with a frown, a sniffle escaping her as her cries calmed down in her need to defend her lack of usefulness.
"InuYasha would have lost himself to his insanity. He is a duality, a unique mixture of both human and demon. Are you aware that such creatures are rare? Not only for the fact that they are despised, but also the simple fact that many, if not most, rarely make to birth, or beyond. Demon blood does not mix well with human blood, only such creatures can come from strong unions between the sire and the mother. InuYasha survives because he is a half demon. He has found a way to survive and exist as both. If he were to become one permanently he would lose a great part of himself. Becoming a full demon, he would lose his humanity, he would despise his mother's kind for outcasting him. He would despise them even more than he already does, he would hunt them, and find joy in causing pain to those that had once outcast him. We full blood demon take decades to learn to live with our more carnal sides, learning not to turn to bloodshed at a whim, without that control he would become a terror. He would not heed the words of those of our kind, hating us as well for our treatment of him. In the end it would fall to either myself, or one of the other Leaders of the Lands to bring about an end to his menace, if only to keep our people safe from his destruction." As he spoke of the potential fate of his half brother Sesshomaru seemed saddened, as if the knowledge that he might become lost to his own demon side was one that was nearly too much to bear. Kagome noted this, surprised at the emotions that he was conveying, even if it was just through his eyes.
"As for becoming a human, he would appear content, perhaps even happy, maybe marrying, having a family. But he would always know that there would be something missing. He would be missing the strength, and the speed, he would be missing the connection to nature that comes with being as we are. We demon are very much connected to our mother earth and the gods that shaped her, and continue to watch over her. That loss of connection would haunt him for the rest of his life. There is also the fact that any stray demon that might have known him during his years as a half-breed would see his new-found humanity an insult to everything they are. He would be hunted, and without his demon strength to protect him, he would no doubt be killed." He seemed even sadder as he spoke of this, almost as if he was taking from his own experience. Knowing what it was like to be missing something so crucial that had once been held so dearly. He took a moment to let his words sink in before moving his thumb to brush a stray tear from her eye.
"As for Kikyou, she would and will never be able to possess the jewel without being overcome by its corrupting power. She does not see the world the same way you do. Take for example how she looks to and treats InuYasha, you see the importance of him remaining as he is. She wishes to change him. She wishes to drag him back to hell for some petty reason instead of letting him free to live his life. She has become corrupted, unlike you. You look at the world in an open and accepting way. You care for others without judging based on occupations, species, or even attitudes. You simply accept them and assist them. That is what is required of a true Miko, only one before you has done the same and she resides now in the jewel that you hunt. Kikyou could never possess the jewel, or even cleanse it, because she is not meant to, you have been, and always were meant to be its guardian."
She was quiet for a moment before blinking as she asked, "How do you know all this?"
He surprised her by quirking a small smile as he said, "Myouga. He reports to me, and has been doing so since InuYasha was a child. I may seem to hate him, and I do in some ways, I hate him for what he represents to me. Our father was killed protecting him, taking from me the opportunity to properly take the title that I hold now. I was not born as InuYasha was, I was a child of necessity. Father needed an heir so he turned to another powerful Inu Youkai and made an agreement for a child to be born between them. With InuYasha though, his mother was loved by Father, and he no doubt would have been loved the same. Father cared for me, but I doubt he would have cared for me as much as the son born from the woman he loved." Kagome frowned to this explanation, understanding suddenly why he treated InuYasha as he did, and even more surprised that he was allowing her such a personal look at his thoughts and feelings.
Sesshomaru was silent for a moment more before saying, "After Father's death I did my duty at first, ensuring that my sibling was cared for, and in my own way, his mother as well. But I was young, and angry, and neither were cared for as well as they should have been. After his mother's death and InuYasha went on his own, I had Myouga look after him, reporting back to me at pre-planned intervals. I visited only to test his strength, and train him in my own ways. I was selfish and harsh, but I needed to be, by showing others I cared not for him yet desired his death it spoke to other demons that he was not to be touched. I spared him from the other Lords and Ladies attention, giving him time to gain strength in his own time. During his time upon the tree I protected him as well, expanding my borders to encompass the forest where he was imprisoned. After he was awakened by you though, I needed to test his strength once more. So, I did, in a cruel way I suppose, but it achieved the means, showing his strength and potential. And despite the loss of my father's sword, I came to realize, through you in fact, that he needed it far more than I ever would. I even allowed him a shallow victory that day, in the removal of my arm." His eyes took on a wise glint as he said this, noting that Kagome was now looking to him skeptically, her eyes shrouded with doubt.
"So, you're saying that you let him cut off your arm? Why can't you just admit that he beat you that once, why can't you give him that? No one would just let someone disarm them, let alone cause themselves such a handicap."
(AN: I offer no apologies for those two puns)
"Yes, I let him cut off my arm, it does not hinder me as much as you believe. I am a being of great strength Kagome, I have faced Dragons, great beasts, and others of my own caliper and walked away with barely a scratch upon my armour. I was trained to be a warlord, a leader worthy of a legacy and the vast lands of my father's empire. Even without my arm I am a threat to many beings on the battlefield, I may not be at full strength, but I remain more than strong enough to take on most opponents, even my stubborn half brother. As for your second questions, no, I can not give him that. InuYasha is young, just under a quarter of my age, he has barely any training, he's brash, and he holds no control over his demon blood. This is partially my fault, and mainly the fault of his mother who refused to allow me to be a part of his life when he was young. She despised me, thought me to be nothing more than a brutish beast wishing death to her son and bloodshed to her people. He did not win that battle because he did not have the skills, now he stands stronger, with a tool of true power at his side. But he lacks control, and restraint. As for me, my arm will regrow, I have lost a limb in the past, losing a hand in a fight once before, as you can no doubt see it has regrown with no difficulty."
He flexed his hand slightly as he said this, watching as she stared at him for a long minute before turning her gaze away as she said, "Fine, so Kikyou and InuYasha would have been bad Guardians for the jewel, and I was meant to take care of it… But what of the others? What about Sango, Miroku, Shippou?" She felt tears return to her eyes as she asked this, remembering their harsh words that remained sharp in her mind. "What about my family, what about Rin?" She was tempted to curl up once more as she asked this, her depression set deep inside her.
Sesshomaru raised an eyebrow slightly, this last name causing him to reply, "You mean the child that you protected with your life, the girl whom you shielded from pain while you yourself were violated, marked, and then nearly killed? The girl who stayed by your side every night that you lay unconscious in your sleep? The girl who refers to you as mother, sees you as someone who is so important that she has bonded with you? You have done a great deal for Rin, and in doing so, a great deal for me. She is… she is the first human I have trusted in a very long time. She does not fear me, instead she accepts me, and brings light and laughter into my life. You are someone who matters deeply to her, and in the past few days I have come to realize that you also risk to matter greatly to me." Her eyes shot up as she heard this, locking with his once more, and she felt her breath stolen away as she saw nothing but sincerity behind his eyes.
"You are much like her, bright and intelligent, eager to learn. Beautiful in your kindness and mannerisms, while so many others are quick to toss aside others for their own selfish means you take them in and care for them with endless love and patience. You are also strong and stubborn, standing up to Taiyoukai when you know not what they are capable of, you fear little when it is required to be fearless, and that is an admired skill. You train yourself though your allies show themselves willing to fight for you, and stand before you in protection. You prove yourself not to be worthless and you gain the respect of many of those that you meet without even trying to do so." Her cheeks took on a light pink hue as he spoke, astonished by how determined he was to compliment her and raise her up. "Kagome," and with the simple uttering of her name from his lips her cheeks lit up even more, it sounded so soft, and so right coming from his lips, and she was reminded of why she kissed him. Gone was the 'Sesshomaru' of her nightmare, this man here, he was the true man, or some horrible trick of Naraku's… Even then, she doubted that Naraku could replicate the perfection of the man before her in any true believable manner.
"I have not opened myself up to a woman in a long time, it is not well known to those outside these walls. But I was different once, kinder I suppose, and less… frigid. I was in love, mated and due to be a father, when my love was torn from me at the hands of humans. Rin was the first to break through the walls that I built up after her death, and then you came around. I was aware of your existence before of course. You were an intrigue to me at first, a woman from an unknown land who came and cared not for the divide between demon's and humans. You cared freely and openly, you challenged authority and fought battles you were in no way prepared to fight. You took the abuse of others and carried their burdens along with your own, simply so they could carry less. You showed an old demon that his ideals of humans were wrong, and so were his views towards finding that which he had once had but lost." He stroked her cheek once more as he said this, the tip of his tail gently caressing the bare flesh of her ankle, a sensation that caused a chill to ripple across Kagome, for it was included with a look of intensity and passion from Sesshomaru.
"You proved yourself as a mother, caring for not only my young ward, the girl I look to as my daughter, but also an orphaned fox kit. You proved yourself as a strong woman by possessing the strength to protect those children, and yourself when facing a foe that I myself have not managed to defeat completely. Not to mention having the strength to face numerous demon on your own and show great power when required. You showed yourself an intelligent and capable woman in your thirst for knowledge, and your ability to read, write, and understand. And you proved yourself a woman worthy of love by being no one and nothing less than who you are, speaking your mind even though others might frown upon such outspoken behaviour." Kagome shook her head to this, not wanting to believe it to be true, suddenly scared of the reality of what he was saying.
"You can't, I'm useless, I'm plain, I'm nothing but a pathetic reincarnation, I'm stupid, I'm-" Her degrading repeating of insults slung at her by InuYasha was cut off by Sesshomaru closing the space between them and pressing his lips against hers, his hand slipping to cradle the back of her head as his fingers tangled in her long black hair. She gasped at the contact, surprised that he was suddenly kissing her before she quickly kissed him back, her arms moving free of his tail as they latched onto the back of his neck and she kissed him back, her mouth opening as she felt his tongue brush against her lips, a simple request for entrance that she allowed. As their tongues touched Sesshomaru took the chance to explore her mouth, her sweet taste igniting a long slept hunger in him. He vaguely registered her fingers kneading at the back of his neck, paying more heed to her tongue entangling with his and the sudden spiced scent of her arousal, the tip of his tail sensually trailing up her calf as he continued the kiss a moment longer, pulling back to allow her to breathe.
She took in a deep breath as he pulled back, unconsciously licking at her flush and swollen lips, her eyes a mix of want and sheer confusion. She moved a hand to rest on his chest as she pulled back slightly, "Why are you telling me all this? This isn't like you, you don't talk this much." He chuckled in response, his amber eyes lighting up with the laugh as his tail continued to gently stroke her leg. He once again cursed his lack of his second arm, for if he had it, it would also be caressing Kagome. At that moment he wanted nothing more than to touch her, to feel her, to make her feel wanted and needed. But he chose to give her what she wanted, the explanation he knew she deserved.
"I am telling you this because you need to know that you are important. I have heard how my half brother treats you, and you deserve to know that you are important, and that you matter greatly. You needed to hear that he alone thinks so low of you, and only because he is an utter idiot. Do not take what you hear in your dreams to heart, live in the world of the awake and living, for your dreams are falsities brought about by your insecurities. I'm telling you this because it's the truth and though I know that simple words given at a moment after you were willing to throw away your life will not change how you feel right away, they will aid in your overall recovery. I'm telling you this because I don't intend on letting you forget that you are important to me and to many others, no matter what you might feel. As for this not being what I am like, you're correct, you are seeing a side of me that I reserve only for those closest to me, a side I thought long disposed of. However I was reminded tonight that life goes on, and that it's not worth dwelling on the past when the future holds such bright gifts and beauty." Her blush returned in full as he said this, wondering if Myouga had told him of the future, or if he'd simply said that without knowing where she was from. Nonetheless the realization of what his words and actions meant caused a sudden rush of overwhelming emotions that she leaned forward, quickly kissing him once more more before burrowing her head into his shoulder and breaking into loud shaking sobs, the reality of what she had attempted moments before dawning on her and hitting her like a ton of bricks.
He held her for a moment in that position before rising gracefully to his feet, leaping up the distance to his balcony as simply as if he were walking up a single step. He moved to his bed, settling himself so that he was sitting with his back against the large wooden western headboard, pillows rearranged to comfort Kagome as he maintained his hold on her, running his claws through her hair as she wept openly and freely..
Okay, I know this is a lot shorter than my previous chapter, but my previous chapter had a LOT in it. My next chapter will also have a lot in it, think of this as a short but sweet bridge chapter with some much needed talking between our two lovers. I tried to think of a way to extend it, but I think for now this a nice place to leave it. No, things aren't all better, there are worse (so much worse) things to come. And our poor Kags is no where close to being okay, but you know, that how these things go. Either way, read reply, and I'll start up work on my next chapter (which will NOT I repeat NOT take me two years. It'll along soon enough.
Right now though, I need to head to work, and then possibly get some work in on my next Pheonix's and Fate chapter. Oh and it's looking like there will be a reboot of Second Chance at Love as well. Since I don't want to give it up, but my lord my writing was horrible when I was working on it originally.
One more thing, read review, and I'll see you later!