Been 15 years old and not understand why your parents abandon you and your brother, it's hard. I have been trying to understand their reasons for years and that's why six months ago I contacted Anna Gutierrez by Facebook. She was happy to hear from me and she gets interested in my life so a week ago I asked her to meet with me at the beach.
I hate keeping secrets to my family, specially to Callie because she is my best friend and my older sister, the one that taught me how to ride a bike, how to bride the hair and how to be myself but recently I had been having trouble finding myself. And I didn't tell Jesus because he had never met them, he was a newborn when he came to live with us. But I was 3 and I remember my mother.
There I was, sitting on a bench by the beach, waiting for Anna that was running late. Ten minutes after the time I see a petite figure walking to me and soon she sits by me. I see my dark hair and brown eyes on her, Jesus nose and mouth. But she is so pale and nervous.
-Hi, Anna?
-Yeah, Mariana, you are so beautiful, and so grown up since last time I saw you. Oh my god, you look just like me when I was your age.
-Well, you had not care about me for 12 years.
-That's not true mija, I was in jail and in rehab and I knew the Fosters could provide you and your brother a better life. I do it for your own good, believe me.
I stare at her tiny figure and her pale face and I know that she is not fully recovered but I have to ask her.
-Why did you preferred drugs against Jesus or me?
-I didn't wanted to choose drugs but they have a lot of power in me and your father and we were so young to take care of you and then getting pregnant with your brother was…worse. I regret it every day but drugs are powerful and they always win.
-You have had 12 years and you are still not over it!
She doesn't respond but I see it in her eyes.
-Where's Gabriel?
-He is still in jail because he was 19 and I was 16 when the cops found us so he is a sexual assaulter but that's not true, we were together for love, we loved each other.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Can we talk about you? How are you? You have any boyfriends?
-Actually, yes, I just started dating my best friend Matt, he is a musician, one year older than me, he plays in my older brother's band and he is so handsome. I think I love him, but we have just been together for 3 months.
-That's enough time to know if you love him but you have to tell him when you are ready.
-I know, my moms and older sister has told me that.
-Wow, how many siblings did you have?
-Well, Brandon and Callie are the twins, Jesus obviously; Jude and Frankie are the little ones.
-Wow, it must be hard to live with so much people.
-Not actually, Callie and I share a room; Frankie and Jude share another and Jesus share one with Brandon. We have to share a bathroom but we have schedules for showers and we have a big kitchen and living room plus the backyard so, no, is good to have a big sister that can share secrets with and an older brother that protects you or young siblings to protect and teach things.
-I'm so happy that you have so much people in your life. At what time do you have to be at home?
-In 30 minutes actually, so I should call my sister that is out with her girlfriend so she can pick me.
I give her a hug but she grabs my hand before I can go anywhere.
-Can you let me some money for the bus, I have to pick three and I don't have enough money.
I know I can't trust her and that probably she wants the money for drugs but now that she answered some of my questions I don't plan of seeing her again so I give her 20 dollars and started to call Callie while I see her going to the street. It's dark and I am a little scared.
-Hi Miss Thing, what happens?
-I came to the beach after shopping and is getting dark, can you pick me? I'm near the school.
-Yeah, we are actually in the parking lot near the school.
I put a face because I know exactly what they were doing in the car.
-Sorry, did I interrupt something something sister?
-Nope, we finished ten minutes ago, you came here before is too late to go home.
-K', see you in five minutes.
AFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFA
I am in recess, my head in Matt's chest, Lexie and Emma in front of us and Mia reading a book by my side. We are talking about the last school project and about the next concert of Matt when my phone rings and I see Anna in the caller I.D. I stand up suddenly and separate myself from the group. I hear Matt and Lexie calling me but I dismissed them.
-Anna?
-Mariana? Hi…hi…how are you?
-I'm at school, in recess, I can't talk to you now.
-It would be just a minute, I need more money, please mija, I'm broke, I need money for living.
-NO, you hear me? No, I am not going to give you more money because you want it for drugs.
I hang up the phone and return with my friends but I couldn't focus for the rest of the school day, she called me three times and leaves me two messages. I wait for Callie and Brandon to finish their music classes and Frankie finish her art class, so I call her.
-Listen, stops harassing me, I don't want to talk to you anymore, I am not giving you money.
-I GIVE YOU LIVE, I RAISED YOU FOR THREE YEARS, YOU OWE ME THIS!
-THOSE THREE YEARS WERE A LIVING HELL, HAVING TWO DRUG ADDICTS AT PARENTS, BARELY ANY FOOD ON MY BELLY AND KICKINGS ON MY RIBS EVERY TIME YOU DIDN'T HAVE DRUGS! So, I owe you nothing. I owe everything to my moms so stop harassing me.
I hang up again because I see Brandon, Callie and Frankie coming. I get in the car without greeting them and when they park in front of the house I go directly to my room. I am upset and I know I have, at least, grabbed my sister attention but I need time to calm down. I lay down on my bed and cry, I cry a lot until I found a little hand caressing my hair and braiding it. I know is Frankie because her hand is little and she is braiding my hair in the wrong way, Callie always braids my hair good.
-Why are you sad Mari?
-Is nothing Frankie, I just had a bad day in school. I just need a hug.
And she hugs me, that is the best thing about my little sister, she is the sweetest person alive, she have it from mama.
-When you are ready we are going to watch a movie and eat pizza downstairs because moms are out with Bette and Tina.
-Ok, thank you sis
-You are welcome Mari
After refreshing myself and changing into pajamas I go downstairs. I have a seat in between Callie and Jesus, Brandon is in one of the love seats and Frankie and Jude cuddle in the other, they are small so they fit perfectly. When I sit down Callie grabs my hand and puts my head in her shoulder.
-Are you ok?
-Yeah, now I am
-What's happen?
-I have a shitty day in school. Why isn't Angie in here?
-Cause she has to take care of her siblings.
-Right, you can go if you want, we would cover for you.
-NO, I prefer to be here with you
So there, in my sister's arm with my legs on my brother laps and watching comedies after comedies I forget about Anna. Until the fatal day of next week happen.
AFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAAFFAFAFAAF
All week Anna has been threatening me, begging me, calling me so I had been irritable all week and that's why I have a fight with Lexie and I go out on the night, somewhere that I don't recognize and when I try to text someone I remember that I forgot my phone on the house. Ok.
Now I am scared. I am alone in a bad neighborhood with no phone or enough money to go home.
I feel hands on my mouth and someone bringing me to a dark street.
-Please, please let me go, I have nothing for you
-Mariana, Mariana don't worry is me, I just want to apologize to you, I was a jackass and I shouldn't have asked for money. But I want to be in contact with you, I want for us to have some form of relationship. Be friends at least. Knowing your brother.
-I…I'm not sure, I would have to talk to my moms about this, they are my mothers and you can't change that
-I know, I know and I don't want to, they are your mothers, the ones that raised you and your brother and that is why I would like to talk with them.
-I have to go, is late and they are going to be worried.
I found a cellphone and I insert some money and call mama
-Yeah? Lena Adams
-Mama is me
-Mariana? Oh thank god, we are looking for you and mom went to rescue you at Anna's house.
-What? How you know about her?
-Is a long story, where are you?
-I'm not sure, but I know how to go to Lexie's, can you pick me there?
-Yeah, I am going baby, be careful
I wait for them for ten minutes and when they arrive I see Callie's anger and Frankie and Jesus sad. I enter the car.
-What happened?
-We have to go to the hospital, you mom is in OR
-What? Why?
-Because you are stupid and you didn't trust us and someone shot my mother because of you.
-You stop talking to my sister like that, Callie.
I cry when I hear Callie's words. Mom has been shot? How? Who did it? I stay in silence the rest of the car ride and when we left the car Jesus take my hand in his.
-It is true? You went to see her?
I see anger and sadness in his brown eyes so I cry- Yes Jesus, I am sorry, I wanted answers and I didn't want you to get hurt.
-Well, thank you but now mum can die.
Jesus takes me by the hand where the rest of the family is and I can feel Mama's eyes full of anger and regret. I am sure she doesn't love me anymore.
AFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAAFAFAFAFAFAF
After four hours of waiting, feeling all my family hating me, the doctor told us that mom is in a coma and that they would have to perform surgery again tomorrow to remove the rest of the bullet. We all cry but Jesus is the only one that hugs me.
-Can we see her? I am her domestic partner and these are our kids?
-Yeah you can but just for ten minutes and only one of you can stay in there with her.
-Ok, come on guys.
I go behind everyone but when we are almost there Brandon and Callie stop whispering and they look at me.
-I can't believe that you have the audacity to go see her, she is OUR mother and the only ones that can be seriously scared are us. This is your entire fault.
-Why don't you go with your mama that would take you to drug addiction and misery? You are selfish Mariana.
-STOP! Let your sister alone, she is as much Stef's daughter as you two. She has every right to be there. You also have every right to be angry but don't bully her.
Even if mama says that I know that she is scared and angry too. I deserve it and that's why I spent the rest of the walk crying in silence and I stay in silence at the visit. When we kissed her and say goodbye Mama says to Brandon and Callie that they are in charge at the house and that we have to be in here tomorrow at ten for the surgery.
The ride home is awkward and I avoid everyone eyes. When we reach home I go upstairs because I know they don't want to be with me. I see my phone and I understand what happened. Callie must have seen the texts and calls from Anna and the old ones and told moms and that is why they came to my rescue. I spent the rest of the night crying until I get asleep and I wake up the next morning to my phone ringing.
Is Mat.
-Hi baby
-Hi honey, you sound awful, what happened?
-You don't know?
-What should I know?
I told him the entire story and I cry but he waits until I had stop crying to talk.
-Mariana baby, yes, you did wrong not telling anyone what you were doing and that's your part of the fault but it is not your fault that your mother got shot, she didn't wait for backup and she wasn't protected, she knows better than that.
-Oh, but…I still feel awful and all my siblings hate me, even mama hates me.
-They are just upset, specially the twins because is their biological mother and they are worried and scared. But I am sure they would come to their senses soon. I would be there in half an hour and be with you the rest of the morning baby, don't worry. You have to support them and try to wait for them to come to their senses.
AFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAF
Everything went well, mom wake up eight hours after the surgery and mama was there, she asked her to marry her and she wanted to see all of us, even me, but I was not sure so I run outside, I couldn't face my mother an told her: Hi, I am the daughter that almost killed you.
I felt awful but Mama came after me –At first I was upset and angry at you because the love of my live could have died but yesterday I understood why I was really angry. I was upset that you didn't come to any of us for help, to help you understand who you are. I know how hard must be for you, being abandoned by your biological parents, latina but not living with latinos and being adopted. But I learned something since your siblings came to this world 16 years ago: DNA don't make a family, loves does. So no, I would never stop loving you because you are my daughter and a mother would never stop lovng her child even if she does stupid things some times.
She hugs me and I feel better but…
…Brandon, Callie and Jude did not understand. For three months they had been giving me silent treats, snapping at everything I say or do and avoiding me all of the time. Poor little Jesus tried to defend me but I told him to stop because I knew my sibling would forgive me eventually. H egets angry with them and I don't want that for him also.
But when our moms get tired of us arguing, me crying and Callie and Brandon being so bitchy they gather the three of us (Jude talked to me the week before and forgive me and our relationship is the same as before, he has such a sweet nature).
-Ok, enough of this, you know your mother and I are trying to plan a wedding that would take place in two weeks and we don't want our kids to be mad at each other. I need you to talk, express your feelings and both of you try to remember that I am ok, I would go back to work in a few days and nothing too bad happened.
So I stare at them and start talking: I understand what you were feeling and probably still feel, that I am shellfish and stupid for not talking to you about my feelings and Anna and believe me, I was the first regretting what I did and what happened to mom. I was also upset with myself. But, can you understand what I was feeling? You know your biological parents, they never left you, they are good people, you had always been safe but mines let me when I was 3, I was terrifying and even if moms adopted me and Jesus, I had always wanted to know the people that give me birth and asked them why….I'm sorry and I just wish you can forgive me eventually.
Brandon's face softens and he sits beside me on the sofa: Listen, yes, you were stupid and shellfish and egocentric but it is true that I didn't thought what were you feeling. I was scared of losing mom and upset because you could have been in danger too and because of mama's sad face but I forgive you, you would always be my sister and they would always be your mothers. I think I love you so much that the thought of you hurting me or our family was enough to make me so mad at you. I am sorry for being a bitch.
I hug him and cry in his chest, I have always have Brandon as a role model, I admire him and I am so proud of him.
I look at Callie and I know it is not going to be that easy with her; she is as stubborn as mom and can stay angry for years.
-I understand what you were feeling but what I don't understand and it's why I feel betrayed is because you didn't trust me or any of us with your feelings. I trusted in you when I was confused about Angie and you were one of the first to know what happened between us. I would not fight with you anymore but I need more time to forgive you.
She stand up and left. And I don't get angry at her because I understand her, she has been attached to mommy since she was six months old so she was the one that suffered the most. Brandon left also and I get in between moms.
-I want to apologize to you two, I was shellfish, a baby and an idiot because you have always given me everything, you had always been my protectors and I owe you my life so I am sorry and in gratitude I would want to help you plan the wedding?
Mama just smiles and chuckled and give me a hug. But mom looks at me more seriously: you are a teenager, you do stupid things and you lie, Callie lied to us too? Remember? I was never mad at you, what happened to me was my own fault because I went there unprotected so I want you to stop blaming yourself but I also want you to trust us completely the next time something like this happens ok? And I am sorry for your sister's stubbornness, is my fault. I love you Miss Thing.
-And yes, you can help us with the wedding.
And there, in a mama sandwich I really believed in the quote: "DNA doesn't make a family, loves does"
AN: hope you liked it, I went hard on Mariana with the twins but I didn't want to blame everything on her. The next one would be the wedding, next Jesus, next Jude, Frankie and the next one would be the moms POV. We would have a jump in time with the three little ones.