Chris glared down General Hatchet from inside the cage he was locked in.
"I thought you were gone," Chris growled, "after everything that happened in Berlin."
"Berlin," Hatchet hissed, "yes, let's talk about that, eh? BER-FREAKING-LIN. After ALL of that, you give Izzy a spot on the show, and what do I get? NOTHING!"
"Well what was I supposed to do with a military advisor?" Chris demanded, "I could get plenty of use from a red-headed psychopath, but not from you!"
"It's always about the ratings, huh Chris?" Hatchet asked, "Do you ever think about how anyone else feels?"
"No," Justin interjected, "he doesn't."
"After Berlin, I was ruined," Hatchet sighed, "I had two choices. Either stay with Alec Baldwin and the Film Actor's Guild, or start my own little business venture."
"Great," Gwen sighed, "now we're crossing over with Team America. Was South Park not enough?"
"IT was simple, really," Hatchet smiled, "I used my former political influences with the Film Actors Guild to obtain certain supplies, as well as some soldiers for other more important missions."
"Such as?" Chris asked.
"Recruiting," Hatchet growled, a grin appearing on his face, "BOYS! BRING' EM OUT!"
All of a sudden, four incredibly tanned girl's walked in front of General Hatchet.
"I assume you've seen Jersey Shore?" General Hatchet asked.
"Yes," Chris said, "that was the day I lost all faith in humanity."
"Exactly," Hatchet grinned, "meet Ann-Marie, K-Pow, Theena, and Kimmiwinks."
"But-" Chris gasped, "those are all-"
"Jersey names," Hatchet concluded.
"Don't do this," Chris begged, "please, the world isn't ready-"
"Oh, it gets better," Hatchet grinned, "you see, this is no mere reality-drama. This is a reality-contest."
"With four fake Italian Girl's from New Jersey?" Chris gasped, "ARE YOU INSANE?"
"AND, they'll be competing for the attention of a juice-head gorilla. Whoever he picks to date at the end of the season wins a million dollars," Hatchet finished.
"GOOD LORD, MAN!" Chris exclaimed, "THAT'S… THAT'S TOO MUCH STUPIDITY FOR ANYONE TO HANDLE, EVEN IN TODAY'S WORLD!"
"I know," Hatchet smirked, "once this program is unleashed, I'll pull strings and make sure its renewed for another season. But the world won't make it for another season- this show will permanently off-set the balance of reality shows. The world will be thrown in to chaos, everyone's IQ will start dropping by the millisecond-"
"This is madness!" Chris cried.
"Madness? THIS IS JERSEYYYYY!" Hatchet screamed, "Well, you just gave me a great idea for a name. And as for you-"
Hatchet turned on Noah, then grabbed the boy and pulled him forward.
"YOU'LL be the star of the show," the general smiled, "the guy all of the girl's will be competing to earn the attention of!"
"You're joking," Noah frowned.
"No, you're really that lucky," Hatchet replied.
"Thanks but no thanks," Noah yawned, "I like my girls to have an IQ of above two."
"Oh no you didn't!" one of the jersey girl's exclaimed.
"Oh yes, I did," Noah snapped, "now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get out of here."
Noah turned to leave, but two soldiers blocked the exit.
"See, the thing is," Hatchet continued, "I wasn't giving you a choice."
"Hatchet, no," Chris moaned, "Noah doesn't deserve that! NO ONE DESERVES THAT! He won't last one episode!"
"Dude," Duncan groaned, "can you please just let us go now?"
"Yeah," Justin agreed, "I don't even care about the competition at this point anymore."
"You can go when I say so," Hatchet snapped.
"Wait a second, one thing still doesn't make sense," Chris murmured, "why didn't you just broadcast the show without sabotaging mine? You would draw less attention that way."
"Simple," the general replied, "the award ceremony is coming up in a couple of months. I wanted to air the first few episodes by then, and win show of the year, best reality ensemble- heck, I'll win EVERYTHING. I wanted my show's success to be sealed in stone- but Camp TV just did too well for the first season. I KNEW the second season would only be slightly worse. I mean, let's face it, you could have done WAYYY better with where this show has been going, but even though it's a cut above mediocrity, it's still better than every OTHER reality show."
"Really?" Chris asked, "Winning awards, that's what this is about now?"
"Okay, you caught me," Hatchet sighed, "I was going to have the season finale be broadcast at the awards ceremony. LIVE."
"You monster," Chris growled.
The general chuckled to himself slowly.
"As for y'all-" he started.
"Oh my god," Duncan groaned, "I've NEVER been so bored in my life."
"I would rather puke out my own entrails and play jump rope with them than listen to this," Heather scoffed, "who's lame idea of a challenge was this?"
"Challenge?" Chris gawked, "This isn't a stupid challenge! This is real!"
"Rigggghhhht," Heather nodded, "you expect me to believe that Hatchet or whatever is genuinely that stupid, and those four girls are genuinely that incomprehensibly disgraceful to the rest of mankind?"
"Yeah," Chris nodded, "don't you ever watch MTV?"
"Oh, god no," Heather scoffed.
"Okay, I watch it sometimes," Justin admitted, "but only for Beavis and Butt-head."
"FIRE! FIRE!" Duncan cheered.
"I just gained a little more respect for you," Justin nodded.
"Well, that's enough chit-chat," the general sighed, "time to get going."
Meanwhile, Cody, Tweek, and Sierra were watching from behind the boy's trailer.
"It's worse than I thought," Cody gulped, "they have Jersey girls."
"So?" Sierra asked.
"Sorry," Cody said, "Jersey girls of the REALITY variety."
"My god," Sierra hissed, "that maniacal bastard."
"JERSEY?" Tweek shrieked, "Oh man, I have to get out of here! They tried to take over my town, man! This is way too much pressure!"
"Tweek, hold on!" Cody called, but it was no use. The blonde boy had taken off running into the nearby woods.
"Oh well," Cody sighed, "looks like we're on our own on this one."
"EEE!" Sierra cheered, "So how should we handle it?"
"I have an idea!" Cody exclaimed, "You go over there and cause a distraction- try to lure the guards away. I'll sneak by and try to pick the lock if I can."
"Okay!" sierra cheered.
Before Cody could say anything else, the girl took off running.
"HEY!" she screamed, "IDIOTS! LALALA! LOOK AT ME! HARDY HAR!"
"GAH!" Justin shouted, "It's Sierra!"
"GET HER!" Hatchet screamed.
To Cody's amazement, Sierra actually managed to lead all of the soldiers away successfully. When he got to the contestant's cage, however, he found that Heather was merely able to push open the door, and everyone piled out.
"How'd you pick the lock?" Cody gasped.
"They didn't lock it," Heather shrugged, "they must have somehow forgotten to."
"I'll deal with you later," Justin snapped at Cody, "right now, we need a plan."
"I have one," The Shadow said, stepping forward.
"Okay," Justin asked, "who is this guy?"
The Shadow removed his helmet, and everyone gasped.
"My god!" Justin exclaimed, "I- still have no idea who you are."
"That's Josh from celebrity manhunt!" Duncan exclaimed, "I mean, not that I watch the show or anything…"
"Josh?" Blaineley asked, exiting her cage, "YOU Were trying to sabotage me?"
"What was I supposed to do?" Josh asked, "You were acting like a total jerk! That General guy was making you all these weird deals, and they went straight to your head! I knew I had to step in and do something- you should have just listened to me before this all happened!"
"Oh," Cody said, disappointed, "I was kind of hoping for a girl. But this works for now, I guess. What's your plan?"
"Seriously Josh, you couldn't have just been happy for me with all of the millions of dollars I had been making?" Blaineley demanded.
"You weren't GOING to be making any money!" Josh shouted, "Did you READ the contract you signed? You were going to be paying THEM the money, not the other way around!"
"that's ridiculous," Blaineley huffed.
Josh glared at his former co-host.
"GUYS!" Cody shouted, "In case you haven't noticed, we kind of need to get out of here. NOW."
"I agree with Cody," Chris said, "this is very touching and all, but we need to work together."
"Wait a second!" Noah called, "Take me with you!"
The boy-genius rushed out of the woods, and up to the group.
"You can't leave me with those jersey girl's," he pleaded, "PLEASE! I'm sorry for working with Blaineley, I'd take it back if I could!"
"Fine," Chris sighed, "but only because I don't have any time to argue. But if I ever get my job back, you'd be instantly eliminated. I hope you know that."
"Wait a second," Justin interrupted, "if you got your job back, Noah would be instantly eliminated?"
"Yep," Chris agreed.
Justin thought it over a moment.
"I'll be right back," he said after a while.
"No, dude!" Chris shouted, "Where are you going?"
"To get you your job back!" Justin replied.
With that, the model took off into the woods.
Just as Sierra was being cornered, Justin shouted, "WAIT!"
The soldiers all turned to see him arrive on scene.
"Listen guys," Justin said, "now look, I know you might have some issues with Chris. Hell, we all do. He's kind of- no, he IS an asshole. But is this really the way to get what you want?"
"Yes," one of the soldiers said.
"Look, I know revenge might seem good at the time," Justin sighed, "but two wrongs don't make a right. And even if it did, WE shouldn't have to suffer because of Chris' mistakes. That's not fair to us. Is plaguing the world with another stupid Jersey reality show going to solve anything? No. It's just going to cause more problems. I learned something today. You don't need REVENGE, or soldiers, or bombs to make your point. You just need to be the bigger man to get your point across. It takes more courage to smile and shake your enemy's hand than it ever could to stab him in the back. And because you're so focused on getting the revenge you want, you're hurting other people who happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Living life isn't about dwelling in the past- it's about moving on. And we can't do that until we let bygones be bygones."
"So you're saying we DON'T need to horribly maim someone to get by in life?" Scarlet asked.
"Exactly," Justin smiled, "just move on, and you'll be a lot happier."
"Wow," Scarlet sighed, "I have a couple I need to apologize to."
"So what do you say, General?" Justin asked.
"KILL HIM!" Hatchet shouted.
Justin let out a yelp, then took off running.
Everyone else at the entrance panicked when they saw Justin being chased.
"IDIOT!" Gwen exclaimed, "WHAT DID YOU DO?"
"Well," Chris sighed, "we're boned."
Hatchet and his soldiers cornered Chris, Blaineley, Josh, and the contestants.
"Any last words?" Hatchet asked.
"BOOM BOOM!" a voice shouted.
"What?" Hatchet demanded, spinning around.
Everyone turned to see Izzy perched on top of the boy's trailer- in her hands, she was holding what looked like one of the Jersey girl's spray tan bottles strapped to a thing of C4.
"Nobody move," Izzy ordered, "or we all blow to smithereens!"
"Clam down girl," Hatchet ordered, "don't do anything rash here-"
"Tan in a can has some pretty interesting stuff in it," Izzy smirked, "in facttt, I think the resulting explosion could take out the next city or two, with all of the stuff I mixed in it!"
"You're bluffing," Hatchet hissed.
"She's not," Justin warned, "she'll kill us all, dude, she's fucking crazy."
Hatchet looked from Izzy, to his captives. Izzy just stared back at Chef, a smirk on her face.
"Your move," Izzy giggled, fingering her explosive device.
Hatchet began to sweat.
In fact, were this the cheesy over-the-top movie that this entire season's plot line had been a parody of thus far, it would be the scene where the camera switched back and forth between Hatchet and Izzy's eyes. Hatchet let out a growl, then threw his arms up in defeat.
"Fine," he hissed, "only because what you did in Berlin. Otherwise I wouldn't believe it. That, and that one pretty-boys speech. Kind of made sense."
"Wait," Chris said, "you're leaving?"
"Yeah, fool, we're leaving," Hatchet snapped, "you can have your show back, I don't care anymore. To prove it, you can keep the four jersey girls and Noah."
"Actually, you can keep the girl's," Chris frowned, "we don't want them."
"What, you think I do?" Hatchet asked.
"Actually," Chris smirked, "I think we can reach a compromise."
Chris and chef watched as the lame-o-suine pulled away, with Blaineley and Noah's screaming still audible. Chris had decided to cram Blaineley, the four girls, and the newly eliminated Noah into one limo- a fit punishment.
All of a sudden, Chef appeared.
"Hello there children- I mean Chris," he greeted, "you wanted to see me?"
"Yep," Chris smiled, "you're fired."
"What?" Chef asked.
"You heard me," Chris smiled, "now GTFO. And give me your hat."
Chef handed Chris his hat, and then trudged slowly away. Chris smiled, and handed the Chef hat to Hatchet.
"Welcome aboard General," Chris smirked, "or should I say Chef?"
"It's a pleasure," the newly dubbed Chef Hatchet smirked, " a real pleasure."
Meanwhile, Cody was saying goodbye to Josh.
"Thanks for all the help you've given me," Cody sighed, "I guess I'll see you around then, huh?"
"Yeah, on TV and stuff," Josh said, "you know, you watch my show, I'll watch yours. I figure I'll go back to my hosting gig after a small vacation. I mean, I earned it."
"Yeah," Cody frowned, "well, later, dude."
"Later," Josh waved, walked away from the geek, "look after yourself, man."
CONFESSIONAL: Cody
(Cody is just sitting on a chair where the make-up booth used to be, gazing into a camera)
"Man, things are going to be a lot more boring around here. Chris and Noah were both eliminated- but Chris is the host again- so there's only six competitors left. No mysteries to solve. No one to talk to.
(Cody sniffles a little, and then rubs his eyes)
You know, it's funny. Even though I made it to the merge last season, I barely made any friends, and I didn't gain much popularity amongst the fans… now Trent is gone, and Justin is pissed at me for some reason. Gwen won't give me a passing glance, Heather is nice enough, I guess, but it's forced. Duncan is Duncan, and Izzy is off doing her own thing all the time. With the Shadow around, and Blaineley here, there was stuff to do, mysteries to solve, I mean… I felt important, you know? I mean, call it selfish… but it was finally my chance to DO something. I'll probably be the next home anyway… well, I'll go pack my things just be sure I'm not caught off-guard when it happens."
(End confessional)
Cody was outside in the woods. The sounds of the new Chef rebuilding the confessional echoed around him. Cody looked down at the small fire pit he had started. It was a small flame, but he supposed it would do.
Miserably, Cody reached into his pocket, and pulled out his detective Cody hat.
"No need for you guys anymore," he sighed.
He gently placed his hat next to the flame, so that it would not smother, but it would still catch.
One by one, Cody put all of his different costumes into the fire pit- his Batman mask and cape, his detective coat, even his Fred Jones outfit.
The geek stuffed his hands into his pockets, and watched the flames begin to spread.
"There goes my fifteen seconds of fame," he whispered to himself.
All of a sudden, a splash of water dosed the fire. Cody looked up to see Scarlet walked by, a smirk on her face and a bucket in her hands.
"So much for the symbolic fire thing," Cody sighed.
The geek hung his head, and then slowly began his walk back to the boy's trailer.
(A/N: Hm, reading this, I'm just now realizing how many Duncan fans must want my head on a plate. Which is odd, because I don't have Duncan making an ass of himself in this chapter. For those of you who are curious, the reason I have Duncan act like a poser is because he's portrayed as near god-like in a lot of other stories. Plus, in the actual series' it's hinted that he actually is a poser. I mean, Harold and Cody were both able to knock him out. Speaking of Cody, what did you think of the last scene? After the next aftermath, I'm going to explore into Cody's mind a bit more. Since he was always a sideliner, and the Shadow did have a significant impact on him, I figured the whole conflict resolution would have more of a negative effect on Cody than anything else. Well, I'll post the next aftermath when I can- have a good weekend! =D)