Part 9 of 11.
I've had a really hectic week, so to all those who have reviewed up until now, thank you.
This gives you the tiniest hints of some answers; but not much, so I hope you enjoy it.
He slammed the file he had been trying to read, to take his mind of events which should be beginning in theatre any minute, down onto the desk in front of him. He knew that walking away - particularly that morning - would have disappointed her, in fact he could hear her hysterical sobs half way down the corridor and he had desperately wanted to turn back and return to her side but the horrific memories had prevented him. When he first stepped into the ward that morning he had been hit with the overwhelming need to run away again, having seen Sam in the same vulnerable state a little over four years previously, he'd never had any particularly desire to see her like that again.
Since he'd taken refuge in CDU though, he'd been unable to shake the previous events from his mind; even he had noticed his young colleague's ashen appearance however it had all came to a head the day Miriam had strolled up to him and practically trailed him to her office to discuss the obviously fragile state of the girl who she had entrusted to his care. She had revealed that she'd caught Sam throwing up in the ladies before her shift and had been quick to pass the judgement that she suspect Dylan was probably being too hard on the girl. Miriam's suspicions had been crushing at the time having just managed to sort his working life into an order which would accommodate the enthusiastic F1 and had been more than certain that he'd risen to the unexpected challenge.
As he stepped out of Miriam's office, she was quick to inform him that she was not alone in noticing the young F1's symptoms, and quietly had stated that half the nursing staff had speculated that Sam was in fact pregnant. This very thought had plagued his mind for the remainder of the day as he noticed she was less than her usual self and seemed both worn out and nauseous in equal measure.
Miriam had been the one to suggest that he tell the girl should she need to talk then she should feel able to talk to him, though when he repeated Miriam's words to her she'd been quickly to dismiss his concern and leave the room. He recalled that he had scowled at the door in disgust at Miriam making him go through the pain of reaching out to someone and it had been many years before he even considered that it was Sam's rejection that had hurt.
It was that very same day, however, that the true reasoning for Sam's sate had been revealed and his world had been turned on it's head by the enormity of his feelings. He'd been certain that she was actively avoiding him, until they'd been forced together; that act however, had forced him to question whether she was well enough to be working. While he had been debating the most suitable way to go about expressing this to her, he had failed to notice she'd walked away on her own. It had been the commotion outside which had even taken his mind from his patient - and once he'd been certain that he was leaving said patient in a trustworthy pair of hands - he had ventured from Resus and come face to face with Miriam. Her words had both shocked and appalled him for reasons which he'd been unable to comprehend.
He hadn't know what to think when Miriam had informed him that Sam had collapsed, his own emotions were far too difficult to comprehend that he'd opted to stay away from the girl. Miriam had forced him into to visiting her, on the fourth day since her collapse, stating that she would probably be grateful for a change in visitors. She'd been asleep when he'd arrived and when he made his intention to leave known, he found himself practically restrained by the nurse who insisted that she needed visitors and not people avoiding her because they didn't know what to say to her. She had woken briefly around ten minutes later, and quietly thanked him for coming to see her, before turning back onto her other side. He'd sat not knowing what to do until Miriam closely followed by a Neurologist had barged on to the ward and suddenly found himself shaking her awake eager to hear the results for himself.
He was aware that the nearing four hours of peace he appeared to have had would indicate that must be due an influx of patients soon so he wasn't overly startled when the doors opened suddenly. Though when he glanced up and prepared to start work, he was stunned by the presence of Zoe and his sleeping daughter - Zoe had placed the sleeping Millie on the bed nearest to the desk and calmly pulled the curtain which would hide her from the remainder of the ward, yet not him or herself, before sitting on the edge of the desk and beginning to attempt to engage him in conversation. "She was fine the last time." She had begun though she seemed to paused momentarily seemingly lost for words. "This time she's got something she has to live for, Sam's strong, Dylan." She had stopped talking when he had eventually brought his gaze to meet hers.
He had taken his eyes from Zoe and turned to the small person, who Zoe had cited as Sam's reason to live and it was through the distraction of looking at his young daughter he had found words: "I don't think it quite works like that."
"Well, you can stay up here thinking negatively if you like," He noted that Zoe had paused, and from his memory he understood that had Sam done so, it would be to ensure he was actually listening to her. She had raised her eyebrows as those she had been expecting a reaction before she began again, "Meanwhile, Dylan there's a department down there, trying to stay positive and watch your daughter." Her voice seemed to have risen by the time that she'd finished berating him for his negative outlook.
His next were said in retaliation, and he wasn't even certain if he'd meant them or not himself, "Probably better suited to it than me." Zoe had stared pointedly at him, with a look of sympathy plastered across her face.
"You and Millie just haven't spent so much time with each other in a long time, it'll get better." She had spoken softly, reaching across the desk to hand his hand but he shrugged her off and began rummaging around in the desk drawer. She had began to speak again, as though she had been desperate to ask the question, since she'd learned of Millie's existence - which he mused she probably had been. "Where did she go when Sam was in Afghanistan?"
He'd know the question was going to be asked, but he wasn't prepared to explain and he suspected that he'd never be prepared to explain why Sam had deemed him so unsuitable to look after his own child. He busied himself with a patient file as he answered the question: "Her mother's."
"Why wasn't she with you?" The confusion was evident in Zoe's voice as she had queried Sam's decision. He groaned and prepared to answer the question is quickly as possible, "Sam felt it was for the best," When Zoe had raised her eyebrows, he realised that he would have to expand - unwilling to experience her persistent questions of him if he didn't. "You don't know what happened Zoe, so don't speak." He continued sure that he was sounding a lot more determined than he felt, because he would never be able to deny that it hurt when Sam had revealed her intentions despite how much he understood what she was doing, "Sam done what she thought she had to." He paused briefly, before saying quietly, "I don't blame her." He sighed as he finished talking averting his gaze from Zoe, when he recognised the questioning look which had washed across her face and he hadn't wished to stay on the subject any longer.
They were both snapped from their comfortable silence, by the sound of Millie waking and stretching her small body delicately. Zoe had looked at him pointedly, before sighing despairingly and moving herself to alert the child to that fact that she had not been left alone. "Hey, darling." He had watched as his small daughter, who seemed to have gained a much stronger likeness to her mother in the time he'd spent away from her. "Do you want to stay with daddy for a little while?" She paused, letting the girl nod her head softly, but she'd remained on the bed seemingly with no intention of getting any closer to him. "I'll come back soon…" He had the slightest feeling that Zoe's last comment, before she upped and left them both in the uncomfortable silence that appeared to have descended upon the ward following her departure, was meant more for his benefit than it was Millie's, though it had been the toddler who had responded to Zoe's remark with a tiny nod.
It was some time later, he found himself sitting by Sam's bedside waiting on her to come round from the anaesthetic, he had considered bring Millie with him momentarily but when he had looked through the staff room door - he noted that Tom had engaged the girl in some sort of activity their heads were bent together over the table and Lenny was talking to them both from his position at the sink - he decided that it would've been a shame to take her away to sit at her mother's bedside while she slept on.
When he first noticed Sam's eyes flickering open, to had moved just a little closer in order to take her hand and prepared to have to ensure that she was aware of her surrounds. "Who has Millie?" However, his wife opening question indicated that she had no sense of disorientation following her time in theatre.
Even as he opened his mouth to answer Sam's question he found himself wondering just how long it would take them to provide Sam's biopsy results - he knew that Nick Jordan seemed to have taken an interest in Sam's care and he also mused that he probably had some sort of influence over the situation, so he was hopeful that they would know the results sooner than they had on the previous occasion they had found themselves in the same position.
"Tom and Lenny, I'm not sure what they were doing." As he said the words aloud he realised for the first time just how potentially dangerous they sounded, and he wasn't certain that any responsible parent would have trusted their only child in the custody of Tom and Lenny, doctors or not. His wife however, gave no indication that she was neither worried nor unhappy about who was responsible for her daughter's care. She nodded weakly, and tightened her hand around his, but her eyes had closed sleepily - the anaesthetic obviously hadn't completely worn off yet. As he sat watching Sam drift back into sleep, he recalled the enormity of the relief he'd felt, all those years previous, when Miriam had been able to tell him that feisty, young girl he had grown to care for - not that he would've admitted that then - had not been suffering from cancer. It was when Sam had mumbled in her sleep he considered that the reason he was pushing himself from her, once again, was perhaps because he believed that this time she probably wouldn't be so fortunate.
Thank you for reading!
So, yes, Sunday.. it will be up - I just need to finish writing it first.
However, the answers will begin...
Anny x