Part 11 of 11.
To the very lovely Callie, Meggi and Ficmouse for their continued support over this; and their little guesses and queries - and of course for being there listening to rambles during the writing process.
It's a bit of an extended final chapter - because some of the stuff was meant to have a little story of its own to explain their background - but I didn't have time, turns out the student life is a little more hectic than the media would have you believe - silly essays/presentations/psychology research - however, it's all over very soon.
To all my lovely reviewers, thank you very much for your interest and support in this, I'm rather pleased that you've enjoyed it and I do hope that you'll be relatively pleased by how it all concludes.
Tom pushed open the door of the ward that he was certain was where Zoe had told him to go; she'd taken Millie up to see Sam about half an hour previously, hoping to give Sam some sort of strength from seeing her daughter before she was taken back into theatre. However, since then she'd been caught up in an urgent case and he'd been sent in her steed to collect the little girl and reassure Sam that she'd be cared for while she was in surgery.
Almost immediately upon entering the ward he spotted the mother and daughter duo in hushed conversation with their heads bent together. He approached them, seeming more confident than he felt, when he began to speak: "Zoe was rushed away," He began in explanation when Sam had looked up at him, "So I'm going to take Millie down the stairs," He stopped momentarily to gauge Sam's reaction though upon seeing no negative reaction he continued "If that's okay?" He smiled to the girl, reaching his hand out for her to take as Sam nodded her head - giving Millie a gentle push, before pressing a kiss to her forehead as she gently pushed her hair behind her ears and out of the girls face.
It was as he and Millie were heading for the stairs he spotted Mr Jordan and who could only assume was the Neurologist passing him as they seemed to be heading for Sam's side.
As he pushed the door open, letting Frances step through it first the sound of the clicking as her heels hit the solid flooring seemed deafening as he tried to clear his mind in preparation for seeing Sam. She'd been sitting on the edge of the bed, kicking her legs absentmindedly when he got closer to her, he noted that she was biting her lip nervously and seemed almost like a lost child. He sat down next to her, taking one of her hands before he began to speak, "Morning Sam," She'd looked up at his words, but her gaze had immediately fallen on Frances. "Sam?" He questioned softly, hoping to regain her attention.
Even after she'd turned to look at him she still seemed to be lost in a world of her own, and he suspected that she might have been hopeful that Dylan would visit before her operation - but with that imminent he doubted that Dr Keogh would in fact show up. "Are you okay for this to happen now?" He queried and watched with relief when she had nodded her head.
"Of course," She'd started confidently, before breaking off to glance at the door, "Have you seen Dylan this morning?" She sighed in disappointment when the Clinical Lead had shook his head, squeezing her hand tighter in his obviously trying to provide her with some form of comfort.
She changed the subject hastily alarmed by the sudden tears which were prickling at her eyes: "Will you thank Zoe for having Millie last night, please?"
She watched as the Clinical Lead had nodded at her before he stood, placing his hand on her shoulder in a gesture of reassurance, before leaving her with Frances.
Millie had been in his care for a little under two hours and had fallen asleep in the staff room, and when Tess had appeared on a break moments before he'd managed to coerce her into agreeing to stay with Millie while he went to see Dylan and attempted to encourage him to spend some time with Millie. Admittedly his reluctance to see his daughter had puzzled Tom somewhat, while he assumed that the consultant had his reasons for wanting to be apart from Millie, he couldn't help but feel that the situation must be confusing for the three year old.
He'd watched as the consultant, not known for his accommodating nature, had raised his head from his paperwork and stared at him - though Tom was almost certain that Dylan was staring through him rather than at him and frankly, it was beginning to make him rethink his decision. "I, um," He began, "I thought you'd maybe want to see Millie?" He queried determinedly, despite Zoe's assurance that he'd be unable to coax Dylan from the barricade of CDU.
The older man looked at him, a little more seriously upon hearing his words, and he wasn't certain that it made him feel anymore hopeful, "Is she ill?" He frowned in confusion before he shook his head, unsure of how Dylan's mind seemed to work; unsure of whether he would have been concerned about his daughter's health had she been or if he'd seen it as another case which he could use to distract himself from Sam's condition, even if he maintained denying that, that was in fact the true reason he'd been cuddled in CDU for days on end. "Well I'm sure she can manage without me." Unable to find anything to say in response he turned and retreated from the ward.
She'd had to stop at the door of the staff room, where the majority of the on-shift ED staff - with one notable exception - appeared to be, when she was faced with the enormity of relaying the news from the theatre team. When she stepped inside her attention was immediately grabbed by Lenny and Linda, who appeared to be allowing Tom a break and were huddled in the far corner of the staff room with Millie sat on Lenny's knee as Linda handed the bowl of what appeared to be soup to her male counterpart and sat herself down next to them before accepting the bowl once again.
When she opened the door the room had descended into a silence of which you could hear a pin drop, had you chosen to, and she felt every pair of eyes in room on her, expectantly. She wasn't sure she'd be able to articulate what she had to say, and when prompted by Charlie she'd only managed to nod her head and the murmur of joy and relief had filtered through the room was enough for her to realise that she could now go to find Dylan and share the news - which she suspected may be a more difficult task.
As she walked towards the doors leading to CDU - she became aware that she wasn't certain what she'd say, though Nick had informed her that he'd passed the news on and that Dylan had even managed to look relieved by the news. She approached the desk in the far corner of the room, as quietly as her heels would allow her, before she began to speak "Nick said that he'd told you the news?' She wasn't sure why she'd queried Nick's words and was expecting some snappy retort in response. However, she felt that her face must have reflected the confusion which she felt upon hearing no response at all. "It's good news Dylan," She began again, "I thought that you'd be relieved." She stopped talking and sat down in the seat opposite him - which following the previous few days was not an unlikely position for them to be in.
She almost jumped in fright when Dylan suddenly spoke, "Who said I wasn't relieved?" He'd snapped at her, his eyes never leaving her as though he was expecting an answer.
She began to speak again, steering the conversation in another direction: "When Nick was ill, I didn't react the way that I thought I would," She paused hoping that he'd understand the enormity of her words before she could bring herself to continue, "Not until I really had to and maybe I was afraid of him thinking that I didn't care but I know that Sam is frightened, and that she really needs someone…" She stopped talking the moment that she heard the chair scrap across the floor and she realised that Dylan had got to his feet and was making his way across the ward, purposefully. She sat there for a few moments, before she sighed contentedly and got to her feet - feeling as if she'd made an impact at least - ready to return to the ED content that Sam might finally have the support of the one person whose support she had wanted all along.
With Millie's hand clasped in his, he pushed open the door, careful not to disturb Sam if she was sleeping,and he'd settled himself down into the seat by her bedside and Millie had found her way to his lap. They remained in silence until Sam had opened her eyes around ten minutes later, immediately stirring when she became aware of the presence by her side. She stretched out an arm and Millie automatically clambered onto the bed and tucked herself into Sam's side furthest way from Dylan.
When she tried to speak her voice was quiet, and her throat dry, "Dylan," She paused momentarily, waiting to see if the man in question would respond.
"I'm sorry, Sam." She was so stunned by his words that she wasn't certain had she not seen his lips move she'd never have believed that he'd been the one to utter them.
As stunned as she was, she was equally confused - though she considered that the apology may be referring to his poor treatment of their daughter, she concluded that she would like the clarification, "What for?"
He'd looked up at her for the briefest of moments before his eyes had dropped to the floor and he began to speak, though not directly to her: "Everything; Millie, the way I've been acting," He paused and raised his gaze back to her before he spoke again, reaching over to take his hand before he did so, "The baby," He stopped then, as though wanting her to show some indication that she was aware of what baby he was in fact talking about. She felt instantly very sick, Dylan had never acknowledged their child after the day when he'd broken his promise that they could talk. She felt tears prick at the back of her eyes as she struggled to block out the memories that the mention of the child she'd lost evoked.
She recalled that he couldn't even bring himself to make eye contact with her when she had really desperately needed to speak to him, and he'd promised - she'd felt the sting of threatening tears in her eyes and the more unfamiliar twinges in her stomach as she had willed him to stick to his promise. It was a particularly sharp pain which made her realise that all was not well, and she'd sunk slowly down onto the closed toilet seat trying to resist the urge to simultaneously throw up, burst into tears and cry out in pain. She'd known then what was happening. His promise might not have mattered by this stage, but it would've been nice if he'd kept it.
She reflected that she couldn't quite understand how she'd found herself in the same position two days in a row, having been sat in these very toilets staring at the blue line which just seemed to becoming clearer and clearer as the seconds ticked by, the previous afternoon. She had felt an overwhelming sickness she couldn't comprehend as she struggled to take in the information and then her mind began to drift to thoughts of having to confess her news. To say the news didn't go down well would have been a complete understatement. He'd left her crying on the staff room sofa, until one of the senior nurses had come in and tried determinedly to consol her over his harsh and blunt attitude while ensuring her it was nothing personal and he treated everyone like that, but she didn't understand that it was personal and she didn't feel at all like correcting her.
She was prised from her memories by Dylan continuing to speak, "I just couldn't deal with it; it was too much…" He seemed to mumble before he trailed off, as he wasn't sure of what he was saying or she suspect that it was more likely that he didn't know how to word the rest of his thoughts without causing offence.
She couldn't be certain where she'd found her own voice, but she felt like she'd suddenly been given the opportunity to say everything that she'd wanted to say four years previously: "I really wanted that baby." She stopped when she noted the look of alarm which had crossed his face, as if he couldn't understand why she would feel that way. She smiled slightly at him before she began again, hoping to clarify things, "Because they would've been ours." She finished speaking and quickly turned away from him, feeling unable to face him after her sudden confession.
"That night should never have happened." She heard the dismay in Dylan's voice, much like it had been all those years previously when he'd first articulated that the night they'd spent together was a mistake.
She bit her lip nervously as she began to speak, "I barely remember anything after those children died," She blinked back the tears which always came to her eyes whenever she recalled the first true horror she'd experienced as a doctor before she turned to face him. "I know Miriam was angry. I never told her it was your baby, she just knew, somehow." She was never certain but she always suspected that he had blamed her for Miriam finding out he was the father of the baby she'd lost - when she'd collapsed in pain the kindly doctor had been the one to look after her and she'd been the one to tell her that her little baby just wasn't meant to be.
"It doesn't matter not now," He husband's words stunned her, and she felt that it may have been all that he'd wished to say on the matter but he stunned her further by continuing, "You shouldn't have had to deal with that alone." She was unable to stop the tears from falling as he reached across to take her hand in his, while he spoke, seemingly determined to explain himself. "I just couldn't deal with what had happened, I couldn't face you because I knew I'd have to admit that night to myself and I thought that I'd never forgive myself for what happened." He paused momentarily, "It really was just my intention to walk you home." She had looked up at him seriously then and brushed away the tears which had fallen.
She settled herself further down beneath the blankets, "That's all I remember, you walking me home," She paused to yawn, and rub her eyes sleepily before continuing, determined to explain everything she felt years previously and had never managed to tell anyone. "Then it was the next morning and you were trying to make excuses and leave and I just remember trying to work out why you were there. Then everything just came flooding back: those children dying, the pub, crying over you and it was me not you who had initiated…" She stopped talking when he dropped her hand from his and held it up while she chewed on her lower lip waiting to see what he was planning on saying.
He rubbed his hand wearily over his face as he spoke, "Either way, I should have resisted, and anyway it's not just about that," He paused and she blinked up at him in confusion before he began to speak again, "I'm sorry I've been so useless with Millie. I just feel so guilty and when we were on the boat, it was all just there again." She could tell from the look in his eyes, the guilt that he felt, and she reached to take his hand, "You shouting, crying and I remember not reacting," "I don't understand why you never walked out then." Truthfully, she couldn't bring herself to walk out on him, but she'd never be able to deny that she had wanted to kill him upon her return from work to find the neighbours wrapping Millie in blankets and assuring her that while her little girl had tumbled into the water she had been pulled out by one of their sons almost immediately.
"Stop it Dylan." She'd snapped at him, probably harsher than intended, but she felt that she had to let him know, "I forgave you. You stopped drinking, you seen the possible outcome." She smiled up at him, feeling a small hint of pride that he'd been able to see that he couldn't continue the way he had been, for Millie's sake, if not for anyone else. "I'm not going to lie and say that the thought of her being able to walk out like that again, does frighten me. But her being with you doesn't frighten me." She pulled at his hand forcing him to sit at the edge of the bed, as Millie stirred and moved to reposition herself against Sam's chest before she closed her eyes again, letting Sam resume speaking, "You aren't the reason I make you come to the flat," She felt her own eyes fluttering closed and she managed to open her eyes once again in order to ensure that her husband understand she was telling the truth, "Okay?" He nodded every so slightly and she curled herself further around the blankets.
It was as he looked at the scene in front of him; Millie sleeping curled up with her head against Sam's chest and Sam herself fighting sleepiness, that he realised he would have to learn to care for Millie again, if only to give Sam a break when she needed it or indeed to allow Millie to have two parents in her life. Which he mused would be required if they ever found themselves in a similar situation, again, because he wasn't certain that Sam would be quite so forgiving if he let their daughter be passed around the department like a package for a second time. As he intertwined his fingers with hers he found a way to express the words which he had tried and failed to articulate years previously: "I do love her you know, she was just a bit of a shock…" His wife had nodded sleepily, as if in understanding, before she closed her eyes and appeared to have drifted off to sleep herself.
Once again, thank you for reading and sticking with this until the end.
I do hope that you enjoyed it!
Anny x