This one's introspective…

Chapter 13 – Lost in thought

When Kate awoke for the second time that morning, she found she'd fallen asleep on her couch. Josh had texted her and rapped on her door a bit before five in the morning, and when that failed to wake her, he'd called. Kate had assumed she would see him this morning even though she was still irritated with him for the way he'd treated Castle—but now her mind was so bogged down in other thoughts, she was unable to summon any outward display of her feelings on the matter. Josh, in turn, was exhausted after his double shift and, though he had tried to convince Kate to come back to bed with him, she'd turned him down, claiming an early night had left her restless.

And that was mostly true. Katedid have an early night, but she was still feeling tired. She'd left Castle's place as soon as she could after the movie ended. She thought she wouldn't be able to sleep, especially the way her mind raced during the movie. She simply couldn't pay attention to it, and was glad it was one she'd seen before. As soon as it was over, she stood, stretched, yawned, commented on a long day and collected her things. She was stalled only by Castle insisting she take a cab since she was so tired. He reasoned she'd be back in the morning to collect Alexis anyway.

Privately, she appreciated his thoughtfulness. Outwardly, she gave him a mild glare and gritted her teeth. She hated that he knew she was emotionally exhausted and distracted. But she stayed, avoided in-depth conversation and waited for the cab. She was rewarded with hugs from everyone—but Castle—when she left. Castle had knowingly steered clear when Sheryl mentioned what a cute couple they made. Castle's sly grin told Kate that he'd left out that little detail when filling her in on all she'd been oblivious to at dinner. I can't believe I sat there all night with everyone thinking Castle was my boyfriend!

Kate immediately set straight Sheryl—and anyone else who may have doubted her earlier. "Castle and I are just friends," she'd said with conviction, as Rick held the door open for her. As she stepped out, he whispered her words from earlier in her ear: "Just friends, Detective? I thought we were partners." She'd paused, looked into his eyes and stayed there a moment longer than necessary before nodding her agreement.

Kate walked away quickly, but paused at the elevator when she noticed Sheryl had slipped out after her. The woman had stood in front of Kate looking nervous and embarrassed. Kate felt bad for her, and paused to tell her again, how nice it was to meet her, how happy she was for the two of them.

Sheryl had just looked at her and said, "I just…I know you're a private person…uh…not that I know you…just, you know…from what your dad's said about you. And I know you don't know me from Adam, but…I just…I just want you to know…I care about your dad."

In a rush, she'd continued, "I know it's gotta be weird for you, especially to find out how you did. It was for my girls when I started dating again—and their father and I chose not to be together anymore. I mean, we made a choice, you know? I just…I wouldn't want you to think I don't respect what they had, what you had." Sheryl's words came out all at once and, though she knew the woman meant well, the mention of her mother caused Kate to stiffen a little. Why couldn't it have been her mother who met Castle tonight? Her mother who's laughter rang out while they watched the movie? Her hand that rested on her father's shoulder? Still, Kate pushed a kind smile to her lips and thanked Sheryl for understanding, telling her she'd get used to the idea, just needed a little bit of time.

Her day had started out fun and a little emotional with Castle at her place. Then Josh arrived and there was tension. And then by pure happenchance, she ran into Castle, Alexis and Martha. Really, what are the odds I'd run into Castle? Let alone at a hospital, with Castle wearing tights and putting on a play? Kate smiled at the memory of him, thinking hard on the look he'd had when he found her reading to the little girl. She hadn't planned to end up spending pretty much the whole day with Castle and his family, but she'd really enjoyed it and reveled at the prospect of spending more time with Alexis today. Still, as much as she enjoyed the day—the crazy, crazy day—the evening wasn't near as much fun. It ended with the revelation that her dad was not only dating, but was actually pretty serious about another woman.

Kate spent the early morning hours analyzing her thoughts and reaction to her father's newfound coupledom. Was it better knowing or would she rather go back to being oblivious? Oh, why did I suggest Veselkas? She was glad to have time alone, to process—especially after she'd crashed last night. She hadn't held any hope of restful sleep. She imagined tossing and turning, even a few tears. That she was out as soon as she settled under her comforter told Kate more than she'd like to admit about the state she'd been in last night.

Seeing her father with another woman had sent Kate into a mild state of shock. The realization had completely usurped Kate's confidence and caused her to question her position. Who was she as a daughter? As a woman? Was she a woman? She didn't know because suddenly she had no idea what it meant to have needs, to meet the needs of another. Instead, she was a child who'd just been abandoned. She was angry and scared. No matter that twelve years had come and gone, her father was cheating on her mother! Right in front of her and asking her to be okay with it. More than that, he was leaving her and her mother to go be with that woman and her children. No matter that twelve years had come and gone since her mother and father had whispered to one another, brushed lips or shared a loving look—this was wrong. It had to be wrong.

And yet her father was smiling. He seemed more relaxed and he had a spark in his eye that she hadn't seen in years. He seemed younger, really. And he deserved every happiness in the world and that's what Kate wanted for him, for them. And wasn't this what they were working toward? A shot at a normal and loving relationship? She couldn't expect him to not be lonely, and though no daughter wants to consider it, to not have needs. Why shouldn't he find happiness with a woman, who to all appearances, was sweet and kind and genuinely seemed to care about her father? And why couldn't Kate feel happy for him, for them? Instead, she was here, acting like an injured, peevish child.

As her thoughts vacillated between concern for her father, concern for herself and genuine thankfulness that her father had found someone, it occurred to her that her reaction was really quite normal. This bothered her more than it should have. She should be better at compartmentalizing, at driving down those feelings of malcontentedness. She was a detective, for Christ's sake! Her livelihood depended on not giving way to her emotions. Stealth-like control over every expression, every tell, every movement was a job requirement that Kate embraced even when off duty.

Kate took small comfort in knowing that while Castle—damn him—certainly knew how much she'd been affected, the others seemed to think she'd just been a little off kilter. Between the wine she'd indulged at dinner and during the movie and Castle' explanation that they'd just come off a tough case, when really, they'd only done paperwork the last two days, their families had believed Kate was just more boisterous than normal. And Sheryl didn't know one way or another.

It also occurred to her that maybe she was just a tiny bit jealous that her father had seemed to successfully move into a new relationship. He'd managed to tear down the walls he'd built pint by pint after her mother's death. He'd opened himself up to relationship, a genuine shared emotional state, where Kate knew hurt and worry would play a role in one way or another. How did he do that? How did he let go?

Kate had grown so accustomed to isolating the various parts of her life. Personal and Professional. Shared and not shared. After her mother's death, it seemed to her that she and her father had actually bonded over their commitment to segregate their emotions. They conquered what they could with sarcasm and determination, and later laughter. Anything they couldn't beat down, didn't actually exist. Kate had always been the more dedicated of the two.

Her life was perfectly segmented. The flavors didn't meld together to form an intoxicating concoction. The paths she pursued in her personal and professional lives did not cross—unless it was on her terms. She had built and disguised her walls so well that no one even knew where to look for them. If someone got too close, they'd be warned off by strategically placed booby traps. Strays, too scared to continue on their course, would set off in another direction. Until Castle.

Castle ran around the fortress Kate had so painstakingly built around her heart like he'd grown up there. He knew all the secret entryways and built some of his own. Whenever he would stumble upon a landmine, he'd find a way to disarm her. He rode around like a knight in shining armor ready to defend her. He was the sentry standing guard at the gate; the court jester drawing smiles for an audience of one. When he'd seen puddles around her fortress turn to raging rivers and threaten to flood her out, he'd built her a bridge and beckoned her to safety.

Oh, God! A loud attritional groan rose from Kate's throat. It wasn't the first time she'd imagined Castle as her knight in shining armor.

Enough! Kate pushed herself from the couch. It wasn't quite eight yet, but she had a feeling Alexis might be up.

Good Morning, Sunshine!

Remember 2 wear UR walking shoes ;-} I'll b by b4 10…

Ready for some more Alexis/Kate and Kate/Lanie bonding time? Hope so. Will try to lighten it up a bit, too!

I value your reviews, so if you are feeling so inclined, drop me a line!

Also, can anyone tell me what "life" means so far as the days and what they mean. So, if chapter 1 has 42 days left, does that mean it disappears if I don't re-upload it?