Okay, we've arrived at Chapter Three, I'm kind of excited. I don't know why, but I'm excited for something.
Anyhow...
Over the years, I've learned that healing happens from the inside out, but in order for the inside to heal, you have to keep the outside clean.
So apparently, last night Bella threw up four times because of the amount of blood, the first time I was conscious for, but the last three I was out for. Sue put stuff on my wounds, but I only really had a few scratches, some nasty bruises, and a broken nose. No one knows how my nose broke though as the helmet I wear is snug and I shouldn't be able to even touch the visor with my nose if I tried, but I know that it's possible from experience twice now when you're going quickly enough with a strong enough impact.
Charlie told me that Sue got me into my pyjamas -which consists of a sports bra and shorts- after cleaning my cuts, treating my bruises and resetting my nose with little hassle. I've been laid out on the couch all night because it's easier to get to the bathroom from here instead of risking me falling down the stairs if I placed a wrong foot upstairs since the upstairs bathroom is close to the staircase.
Bella stayed with me all night apparently, so when I woke this morning with a groan, I was pleased to see that she was stil asleep as I reached into the pillow case beneath me and pulled out the envelope that I knew would be there. I tore it open to find two fifty dollar notes and a scrap of paper that said 'You did well last night. Tori.' I later asked Bella for my messenger bag, stuffing it in there and taking a pen out, scribbling on the tip of my finger with the excuse that I wanted to know if it worked. She and Charlie fussed all morning until Charlie had to go to work and Bella went up for a shower, telling me that there was curry in the fridge from last night as well as stuff for breakfast.
It also turns out that my glasses were smashed beyond repair but that Charlie is planning on sending them off to get the prescription replecated for me. Until then I have to use what's left of my lenses.
So, that brings us to now.
I have no broken bones aside from my nose, but walking proves to be a little difficult since I landed on my hip yesterday. All in all though, I'm okay.
Hissing in pain slightly, I stand and shuffle over to the kitchen, sliding into a seat there while I decide what I want for breakfast. I can't think about anything though, nothing other than my note from Tori. You did well last night How could I have done well? How did I even manage to get to her? I don't dwell on this however since much stranger things have happened to me before. But breakfast. How am I supposed to decide what to have for breakfast? One does not simply know what to eat in the morning.
I stop thinking as someone knocks on the door.
Jacob?
Maybe he's heard about the accident.
Is it wrong that I'm actually kind of pleased that he'd come?
I stans slowly, using the walls as support as I walk to the door, suddenly aware of how little I'm wearing, and that you can see my scars. Great. I have little time to think about this however as whoever's at the door knocks again. Does he have no patience? "Just a second!" I yell, reaching the door a couple of seconds later and yanking it open.
It's not Jacob.
Why does that sadden me?
"Uh, hey, you here for Bella?" I ask the four teenagers who stand outside.
One of them nods while the other three just look at me, confused. There are two guys and two girls. One of the girls wears glasses and what you'd class as 'safe' clothes while the other wears a load of make up and kind of slutty clothes. One of the guys has an adorable baby face while the other has an emo haircut. "Yeah, she in?" The kind of slutty girl asks me.
I nod. "Yeah, why don't you guys come on in." I reply, moving out of the doorframe. The four of them shuffle in awkwardly, standing in the living room. "I'll shout her down." I add, feeling uncomfortable in here with them. "Bella!" I yell, waiting while there's a loud thud upstairs followed by a hiss of pain then a few more thuds as she barrels down the stairs with only a towel wrapped around her body.
"Jesus, River, I thought you'd fallen and died or something." She snaps as she sees her friends.
Shrugging, I reply, "Well, if I fall and die then I promise to yell for you so you know." I close the door as I talk and hobble into the kitchen.
Bella tells her friends that she's just going to get dressed before running back up the stairs. I keep to myself and stay in the kitchen, taking the orange juice from the refridgerator and pouring myself an enormous glass. I wince a litte when I'm putting the carton back though as it pulls at the scratches on my palms and the backs of my hands.
I decide on bacon for breakfast, knowing it's one of the few things that Charlie buys in bulk, and that he certainly won't miss a packet. I grab a frying pan and stick it on the hob, turning the gas on and lighting the flame with a match. I spray some oil onto the pan and wait for it to go clear before layering my strips of bacon on thinly and washing my hands.
"Hey, River." Bella says when she reaches the bottom of the stairs.
"Yeah?" I reply without turning to face her.
I hear her footsteps as she comes into the kitchen. "If Jake drops by or calls then just tell him I'm out and I'm still going to drop by on Monday?" She says, and before I can open my mouth, she and her friends are leaving. Monday? She's going there on Monday? It's one thing letting him take the credit for my work on the bikes -which I don't mind- but how's he going to do that if I'm there? Maybe he'll call and cancel with me. I wonder suddenly how Bella felt about me being with Jacob yesterday after she and he fell out.
A day or so after their trip to the movie theatre they got real shitty with each other. Bella spent an entire night bitching about him to me, and he hardly mentioned her at all when I was there. Maybe they do both like one another, maybe they're both lying about the whole brother/sister relationship because they're scared of being hurt. I guess now would be the wrong time to admit that I might have a tiny crush on Jacob. Nah, it's not going to be a problem, because once they're together my stupid feelings will wither away because I'll see how awesome they are together. Anyway, I'm only here for two months and a week or so now anyhow, and it's not like I'd be a good person for Jacob anyway.
Where he's happy and smiles, I'm gloomy and frown. When he's polite, I barely speak. He's amazing, and I'm dull. He's embraced life, and I've got the scars to prove that I did otherwise. Like I told myself the fist day we met; he's not for me.
I waddle over to the couch where I left my bag and open it, riffling through it until I come out with a small card box with a flip lid. Wandering back to the bacon, I lower the heat and flip it all over before leaving the house and climbing the tree in the back yard. It's not my best of ideas since I'm in a tonne of pain and am having trouble so much as walking. It takes me an entire half an hour to get ten feet up into the thing -by which time my bacon is done so I pull the fat off, put all of the slices into some bread and stick that on a plate- but I find a fork comfortable enough to sit on while I catch my breath before sliding along the limb. I manage to get my bacon sandwich up there too by putting it in a zip bag and sticking that in my pocket.
Pain is something that baffles me. Sometimes I don't pysically understand how the human body can do so much. I don't understand how it can feel so much pleasure, how it can feel chills, heat, the pouring rain, the blistering sun, and then it can feel complete and utter agony that makes you think that your very being is at risk of destruction.
Sighing, I open the small box in my hands and pull out one of the cigarettes and my lighter before pushing the box into the pocket of my shorts.
I realise quickly that I have no way of getting down, but I do have a bacon sandwitch so that's okay.
My fingers work out of disgusting habit as I spark the lighter up, putting the brown filter of the cigarette in my mouth and holding the flame's tip to the other end. As the flame catches I pull it away, shoving the lighter into my pocket and shimmying it into the packet before reaching into my other pocket and taking out my sandwich.
Setting my food beside me, I close my eyes and inhale deeply, feeling the smoke -but more importantly nicotine- fill my lungs, somehow relaxing every joint in my body. I revel in the feeling for a few seconds longer before releasing the cloud of smoke through my nose and opening my eyes as I waft it away so I know it won't cling to my clothes as badly.
Bored, I take my lighter out again, lighting it up and staring at the flame. Fire is something that has fascinated me since seeing a flame dancing atop a candle on my brother's birthday cake when I was about five years old. I learned the hard way not to stick my hand in a flame when I was nine and my brother was having a bonfire with his friends. He kicked all of them out -even his girlfriend- so he could look after me with no distractions. When he'd asked me later why I'd done it, I told him it was because one of Dad's things had fallen in. I hated his friends from that day onwards because it was actually one of them who had thrown our father's old cane in, it hadn't fallen. They hadn't done it to be cruel, I think they were drunk or had smoked something.
With a deep sigh, I hold my hand high above the flame, staring it down, daring it to burn me.
I bring my hand to my face, holding the cigarette between my lips as I use my teeth the pull on the leather braided bracelet that I wear with its strand of silver that has my father's name engraved onto it. All the while, I'm still smoking, slowly pulling the smoke in, and breathing it out through my nose for a few minutes. Then, in a move of idiocy, I hold my hand over the flame once more, only lower.
An angry snarl rips through me as pain is nowhere to be found. Bringing my hand to my face for inspection, I growl as I see no mark. Fuck it. I rip what's left of the stub of my cigarette from my lips and crush the still glowing end in my palm groaning in sweet pain as it burns my skin. I know how this might look, but I actually don't like pain, it's just that this time of the month things get a little wild in my life and I go to extremes.
Anyhow, when I look at my hand, I whimper as it heals before my very eyes, the bubbled skin reforming perfectly once more. I curse as I notice a few of the scratches from yesterday have healed too and the pain in my hip has dulled slightly.
I slip my bracelet back on, eat my sandwich, and dispose of my cigarette butt before going back inside.
Pulling my cell out, I text Bella.
Hey, Bells. You mind if I go into your room? Just wondering what kind of books you got...
10:13
God, it's not even half ten. I guess I didn't really think about it when I said no to seeing Jacob today. What the hell have I been doing every other day? Cleaning my bike was one thing, and after yesterday I'm sure it could use it, as well as something for the scratches that I know will be there.
My cell buzzes as I boil the kettle, putting all of the dishes into the sink and stuffing the plug in. I take my cell out of my pocket and set it on the side as I read the message I got back.
No problem, I don't have anything that you'll find interesting if you taste in movies is anything to go on ;) but... I kinda have to warn you that if any of my books get bike dirt on them I'll have to kill you, cool? Xx
10:17
God, I hate it when people put kisses in texts, it makes me feel weird.
Thanks a bunch, Bells. Hey, I'll have you know I love any books, but if you have 50 Shades then I think I might die laughing at you... just a warning... I hope you don't for both our sakes... Also, I'll have you know my bike (when clean) is clean enough to eat off! How rude!
10:17
Kisses are weird to me because we wouldn't actually kiss if we were talking, so why do we have to reaffirm that we're close via text? I love her like I love the rest of the family and vice versa, but I wouldn't kiss her, so why?
I walk slowly up to her room, pushing the door open and walking in, heading straight to her bookshelves. She's got three enormous shelves full of books, she's got books on the floor, books on her bedside table. Everywhere. This is amazing. As I walk over to them all I laugh. They're in alphabetically order aside from the ones in a series which are in chronological order. Wow. And I thought I had a problem.
My hand finds a random book titled Ketchup Clouds, so I shoot a quick message to Bella asking if it's any good and get one in reply telling me that she hasn't read it and that she got it for her birthday from someone.
Until one o'clock I sit, curled up on the couch, reading this book, and by the time I finish I'm crying my god damn eyes out. I just, I mean, there's no damn way to explain what I'm feeling now. I hate the book. No, wait, I love the book. Fuck, that was so horrible I think it was the best thing I've ever read. Holy shit, I'm in love with a character that I really should hate, it's like The Hush, Hush Series all over again!
Crying, I text Bella again.
BELLS I HATE THAT BOOK. IT MADE ME CRY. I LOVE IT. IT'S AMAZING. YOU. NEED. TO. READ. IT. I'M STILL CRYING. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. I LOVE MAX. I LOVE AARON. I LOVE THEM ALL. WHHHHHYYYYYYYY. HOW COULD YOU BELLS? HOW COULD YOU LET ME READ THAT!? Oh, and is there a bus that goes into town? If there is, send me the directions to the bus stop? Thanks. THAT BOOK WAS AMAZING. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *sob* *sob*
So yeah, to say that the book made me a little emotional is an understatement. It tore my heart out, ripped it to shreds, then burned those shreds before pissing on them... then it sprinkled the remains onto a tree and waited for that tree to grow, only to burn it down.
Anyway, Bella replies, that she and her friends are laughing at my text and that she'll have to read this monster of a book, then she leaves directions to a bus stop but tells me that I shouldn't get on it since I should be in bed, resting. I shoot one back saying that I'll be fine and I'll be home in time to help with dinner. Then, I walk carefully up the stairs, hopping into the shower for a half hour, getting out and getting changed, trying my hair up and sticking a baseball cap on over it. Upon leaving the house, I see my bike. My front wheel is mangled beyond repair and god do I know I don't have the money to fix that. I need to get home from the airport in that and I don't have a front fucking wheel. I go back inside and grab one of the two fifty dollar bills that Tori left for me. Mom and the asshole will have to do without the TV for a month, and I'll do without hot water. Hell, this is my electricity bill for the month, I'll be lucky if I can raise enough for water.
Getting on the bus seems tricky as I've been instructed to use a walking stick or crutches for walking outside of the house. I don't have any crutches though so an old walking stick kept by the front door has to do.
An elderly man offers me a hand up and I take it, thankful. "Don't worry, I know what these death traps are like." He tells me, waving his own stick around with a smile.
I pay for my ticket before motioning to the seat beside the man. "You mind if I sit here?" I ask him. I smile as he shakes his head, telling me to sit right down. "Thanks." I reply, settling beside him with gritted teeth as my back pulls.
"Now, what's a girl your age doing with a walking stick?" He asks me, seeming to just be curious.
"I, uh, I drive a motorcycle and a hit and run driver rammed into me. Just having a little trouble with initial muscle pain is all." I learn that his name's Tannace and we talk for the five minutes that the bus takes to arrive into town before we part ways as he stays on the bus and I hobble off it, thanking the driver politely as I exit.
Great, in a town I don't know with no way of getting round. I notice a young woman standing with two small children, so I approach her. "Excuse me, ma'am. I'm sorry to bother you, I was just wondering if there's a mechanic around here?" I ask her, praying to god that there is.
She turns as I'm talking and smiles softly. "Sorry, hun, I'm new around here, but I can ask my boyfriend for you if you'd like? He's coming now." She tells me, and literally that second a tall, lanky man walks over and kisses her cheek. "Hey, baby, this girl was just wondering if there's a mechanic near by?" She questions.
He nods. "Sure is, Carter's down that road. Red pick up outside's 'is. Just knock and go right on in through the black door." He says, pointing down a street. I thank them both before hobbling away carefully.
It takes me five minutes to find 'Carter's' as there's not sign, just a big red truck, so I knock on the 'black door' which is actually a black wall, and that's just to get the guy's attention, unluckily for me, it gets everyone's attention. There are about twenty guys in there, each of them fat with hundreds of ugly tattoos and so many piercings that I can barely see their skin. "You lost, little lady?" One of the fattest ones asks me, leaning forwards over a dest to show his freakishly large clevage.
"Maybe, is this the mechanic?" I reply, trying not to let my voice tremble.
One of the others nods. "Yeah, I'm Carter, what can I do you for?"
"Do you have anything for dirtbikes?"
"Like what." One of the others asks. Shit, am I going to have to talk to each one of them just to get an answer?
"I need a wheel for a Yamaha YZ450F." I reply, shocking each of them as I actually seem to know what I'm talking about. "I took a run in with a car and it trashed my front wheel, so if you don't sell them then do you know who-"
"I know what you're looking for." Carter tells me, standing up on pudgy legs and stomping over to a wall of tires. He pulls three enormous car wheels and tires from the wall to reveal one single thin one. A bike wheel. My bike wheel. "You can have it for free since your medical bills look like they're gonna be piling up." He adds.
What? Do I really look that bad? "I'm not paying medical bills, a family friend's treating me." I reply, not wanting to take anything for free.
"Then just take it."
"Why?"
"Why not?"
"Because nothing's free in this world. And because you have a sign that say all the wheels and tyres are fifteen bucks each or twenty for the two."
"Well, I have a daughter your age, and if she came off her bike then I'd want someone to help her, so please, take it."
Ten minutes of arguing later I've got a wheel and tire and still got fifty two dollars in my pocket as I leave Carter's. Damn. I make my way back to Charlie's after going into the closest DIY store which is basically just their all purpose store here in Forks, and buy some soap, a sponge, the right kind of paint for my bike, and a varnish made for cars and other vehicles.
"Hey!" Someone yells out of their car window as I walk along one of the roads. I look briefly into the window to see someone. She's familiar but I can't place where I've seen her before, and I can't think of a name. "Hey, you're Bella's cousin, right?" She questions, pulling her car onto the curb and stopping it.
I stop and stand by her window. "Uh, yeah, have we met?"
"Yeah, well, no. I was one of the ones that came by to get her earlier."
"Oh, sorry! Yeah, hey, what's up?"
"Nothing, but you look like you're struggling. Get in." She tells me. And just like with Carter, I end up losing the argument, but this time because she gets out of her car and literally takes my stuff, putting it in the back seat before telling me once more to get into the car.
I climb into her small, shiny car, buckling my seat belt with a smile. "Thanks." I tell her.
"No problem. I'm Angela, by the way," She replies, smiling happily.
"River." I say, smiling politely back.
She starts driving and we say nothing to one another. "So, uh, what did you buy aside from a wheel, if you don't mind me asking." She asks me, nodding to the back seat.
"I got some soap, a sponge, paint, and varnish." I say in reply, but I realise that it's kind of a dull answer, and she's obviously trying t make conversation, so I expand. "Yesterday my bike took a car to its front wheel, so I've got the soap and sponge so I can wash it all down, I'm gonna try and fill the scratches in with a little bit of soldered metal and go over it with paint, then go over it all in the varnish to try to protect it. Oh, and the wheel I got 'cause my other's basically bent in half."
We end up talking the rest of the way back and I invite her inside, suspecting that she's waiting for Bella. She tells me that she's actually just been with Bella and the others but they went to the beach and she didn't really want to go. "Oh," I say, "Well I'd say you can stay anyway, but I guess it'd be really boring to watch me working on my bike, so, uh, I guess I'll see you around."
Angela nods in reply, smiling. "Sure thing. You should come with us next time Bella comes out, I think the others 'd like you." She tells me, waiting while I get my stuff out then driving off with a good bye.
The second I get inside I groan. The phone's blaring so damned loud. "Swan residen-"
"River?" Comes the one voice that I've been dying to hear all day. "Oh my god, River, you were hit by a car! Why the hell didn't you call me?" Jacob exclaims down the line.
"Jacob." I say, amazed that he's even given me a second thought.
He sighs down the line. "Yeah, it's me. I'm standing outside by the way. I was gonna shout you when I saw you getting out of the car, but then I thought that might be a little weird." He says, sounding a little embarrassed.
Holy shit. "You're here?" I question.
"Yeah, I'm here." He replies, and each word is punctuated with a knock on the door.
I can't help but smile as I slam the phone down on the receiver and walk as quickly as I can over to the door, shoving the stupid cane in the umbrella rack as I yank the door open.
Strong arms wrap around my waist and I'm literally swung into the air. I gasp as my feet leave the ground and Jacob stands up straight with my forearms braced on his shoulders with his forehead on my collarbone. "I heard you broke your glasses." He mumbles, sighing sadly for me.
I can't tell you how long Jacob stood in the doorway and held me like that, nor can I tell you why I even let him stand there and hold me like that, but I can tell you that he kicked the door closed and walked inside with me still in his arms before carrying me to my room and setting me on my bed before lying right beside me. Eventually, when I rolled onto my side due to the pain in my back, Jacob shuffled and pressed his muscular form against me, wrapping me up in his embrace. "You're like a hot water bottle." I tell him, grinning as he buries his face in the crook of my neck and laughs.
He grumbles against my skin, nodding before pressing his lips lightly against my shoulder, making me sigh and visibly relax in his arms.
"Why do I feel so safe with you?" I ask him. At the moment we're lying together with me on my good side with him spooning me from behind. His right arm is under my head with his left over my waist with out fingers interlinked. I've never lay like this, ever, and all of a sudden Jacob Black comes into my life and I'm calm, forgetting about all of my problems back home. Hell, they're San Francisco's problems now.
Behind me I feel Jacob shrug against my back. "I have no idea, but I'd kind of like to know why I'm acting so impulsively when it comes to you. I just feel this pull, forever telling me to be around you. I don't even care what we're doing, I think you could talk to me about really bad books by Shakespeare and I'd still want to be around you." He replies, placing his chin atop my head and tightening his muscular arms round my frame. "I feel so angry all the time with everyone, but I just feel so chilled around you." He adds in a whisper.
"The last man the I trusted with my heart was my father, and he shattered it by leaving me the way he did. I know it wasn't his fault, but I don't think I ever forgave him, and then there was Nate, my brother, who just left me there with my mom and her douche of a boyfriend. So, you, Jacob Black, baffle me. It's taken you less than three weeks to worm you way into my heart, and I don't know what I'll be like at the end of the summer when I move back to San Francisco." A fat tear falls down my cheek.
Quickly, as if he sensed my crying, Jacob rolls me onto my back before shifting to hover over me. "River," He whispers, softly caressing my cheek. "I'll never break your heart, I swear." He tells me, wiping the tear away with the pad of his thumb. Slowly, oh so very slowly, he lowers himself. I can feel every inch of his being pressed slowly against me, his enormous form hulking over my own, and yet I'm not scared, and I don't feel trapped. I feel something that I haven't felt for nine years: loved.
So, as Jacob's warm, full, soft lips press against my cold, chapped, rough ones, I sigh and close my eyes. The softest, most persistand heat spreads through me, travelling from my lips in waves straight down to where my toes curl as I slide my right leg up to cradle Jacob's hips. "Fuck," I mumble as I open my eyes, though it turns more into a sob.
Jacob pulls away from me, wide eyes gleaming down at me. "I'm sorry." He says, shifting straight away to clamber off me and the bed. Shit. "I shouldn't have kissed you, it was wrong, and I swear I won't-"
"Jacob, no, that's not what I meant." I tell him urgently, ensuring that he doesn't think I'm mad that he kissed me. "It's just that, well, that was my first kiss, and I was crying and sad, and I'm in pain, and you're so sweet and I bet you practically have girls lining up to kiss you. God, I bet it was crap and y-"
"Stop." He says, smiling a little before climbing back onto the bed. "I've only kissed one other girl in my life, and it was Bella when I was three. I mean, yeah, we may have gotten married that day with a gummy ring, but hey." He tells me, grinning and shrugging. "Oh, and it wasn't crap, and I don't have girls lining up to kiss me, but if I did, I'd still be here with you. So, would you object to me kissing you again now that we're both on the same page?" he asks me, reclaiming his place above me.
I shake my head, biting my lip to suppress a grin.
Jacob's big goofy grin is the last thing that I see before I close my eyes as he leans back down again. His lips meet my own and I can help but release the sigh that I didn't know I was holding.
Grinning against his lips, I push my hands up into his hair, running my fingers through the silky hair.
This is completely insane. This so isn't something I would usually do. I should do this more often. This feels so damn good!
As I kiss him, he kisses me back with equal enthusiasm, both of us emitting small gasps every so often.
We kiss a little while longer before Jacob begins to shift uncomfortably, telling me that nothing's wrong, but he's getting a little too excited. I laugh it off, asking what he wants to do. His reply is anything, so I mention that I've got to work on my bike and that it'd be nice to have some company. So, here we are, sitting on fold out chairs, Bella's old paddling pool inflated with my bike in it so we can keep all of the parts together as I dismantle it, and so that we can keep the dirty water in one place.
"So, everything you know you learned by watching your father?" Jacob asks me as I take the faring from my bike, placing the plates to my right before looking across the small paddling pool at Jacob.
I shrug. "Most of what I know I learned after rallies. There are only so many times you can fall off before you have to take your bike in for repairs, so I figured that if I knew everything about my own bike that I could fix it up myself. I've had way too much time on my hands, but it's all paid off." I reply, smiling a little. "I guess I learned the basics from my father though, you know, like not to buy the average road bike and then take it off road." I add, shrugging again.
Jacob smiles, reaching out and nodding to the faring that I've just taken off. "Tell me what to do, it'll be quicker with two pairs of hands." He says when I raise a quizzical brow. So I do, I walk him slowly through the steps of getting all of the dirt out of the cracks and scratches like you would with an injury, then treating the metal and stripping the paint and so on. Yeah, I know, it's insane, but I strip the entire bike of its colour when I get a bad set of scratches, but I redo it in the exact same colour.
While Jacob does that, I start loosening pipes off, wiping them down with rags before taking a good look at them. Nothing's too busted up, but the faring from over my front wheel is mashed to pieces. It's nothing I can't replace, but it'll take me a while to raise enough money, and I wouldn't risk trying to raise the money in a rally since I wouldn't try one without the faring. "You ride in rallies?" Jacob asks me, looking a little stunned. I nod, saying nothing as I wrap my hand around one of the pipes, cloth in hand as I rub it roughly, up and down.
Smirking, Jacob raises a brow and nods at the pipe in my hand. It takes me a second, but I quickly realise that it looks like I'm jerking someone off. "Shut up." I grumble, putting the pipe down.
He helps me clean the rest of my parts off, and together we put the first coat of varnish over the now silver metal since the colour's been stripped. A few minutes later Charlie's cruiser pulls in. He grins at us as he gets out, telling us both that there's a bonfire down on the beach tonight for the tribe and friends. Looks like I'll be meeting them all then.
"How're all your bruises?" Charlie asks after a moment.
I smile. "They're actually okay. I mean, I get little twinges and the like here and there, but nothing major." I reply, shrugging lightly to make my point.
He nods, smiling a little himself. "Alright, well, I'll leave you two to it." He says, shuffling somewhat awkwardly inside before waving and closing the door behind him.
"So, what do we do now while we wait for that to dry?" Jacob asks me, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively in a playful manor.
I smirk a little. "Now we put all the pipes back together, by which time that will have dried. Then we paint over the varnish and put the pipes back onto the frame while the paint dries. Two coats of paint later, we put the faring back on and varnish it. Then we test it to make sure everything went on right." I reply.
So, we do just that, and while we're applying the final coat of paint, Bella's truck pulls onto the driveway beside Charlie's cruiser. She smiles as she shuts off the engine, getting out and waving. "Hey, guys, what're you doing?" She asks, still smiling, though I can see a glint of something in her eyes. Annoyance? No, it's not annoyance, it's something stronger, something deeper. I'd say jealousy, but that'd be ridiculous, no one gets jealous of me. Not usually, but I'm not usually laughing around with a smokin' hot guy with abs as hard as stone.
I'm reminded once again that Jacob was sure for almost two years that he was in love with Bella, and Bella isn't blind. If she wanted him, he'd go running.
There's a deep ache in my chest as I realise that no one needs me. No one needs me, and no one ever has really. No matter where I go I'm only temporary. The only reason my mother keeps me around is because she's too stoned or drunk to kick me out, and her boyfriend, Stu, knows that it's me who brings the money into the house, me who he can steal off to get his next fix.
I'm expendable.
"Just looking at River's bike after what happened last night." Jacob replies, snapping me out of my saddening little realisation. He smiles fondly at Bella, cutting into me like a blade. It doesn't matter that he was kissing me earlier, he loves her.
Bella smiles back, and I drop my gaze, becoming quickly interested in a single drop of paint that has dried mid-drip on the bottom the the faring for the back wheel. I grab one of the rough cloths as Bella makes some statement about how good Jacob is, and how lucky I am to have run into him. Jacob doesn't correct her by saying that he came here with the intention of seeing me, he merely grins that gorgeous grin and breaks my heart.
I work on smoothing out the droplet of dried paint, but doing so pulls something in my back. Pain free all day and my jealousy does this to me. I know that if I simply took off my silver bracelet for half an hour that all of my pain would fade to nothing, but it's simply not natural.
I stand abruptly, and when Bella asks what's going on and if I'm okay and Jacob stands, placing a hand on my arm, I shrug him off and walk past her, muttering "pain meds" on my way past.
Deep breaths don't work.
I gun it to the kitchen, opening the cupboard where Charlie keeps tablets. I rummage through the bottles, my breathing getting quicker, more panicked. Oh god oh god oh god. Where are they? Shit. The pain in my back intensifies and I can hear myself breathing, I can hear the fear even in my breaths.
"River, you alright?" Comes Charlie's voice.
I nod, turning to him. The motion makes me dizzy so I steady myself on the counter top, only to fall forwards to my knees. There's pain everywhere, and I suddenly feel fourteen again, waiting while a monster contemplated killing me or letting me live. "Pain," I gasp out, planting my hands firmly in the ground and closing my eyes, trying desperately to calm the fuck down.
Charlie curses, rifling through the cupboards, yelling for Bella and Jacob. They both come sprinting in. Bella starts helping Charlie look for my meds while Jacob scoops me up as if I weigh nothing, taking me straight to the couch and sitting me down. He kneels in front of me, trying to get me to copy his breathing. I try, I really do, but every time I slow my breathing, a new wave of panic hits me. Oh god, is this really how it's going to happen? Am I really going to hyperventilate until I pass out?
Wow, that's actually really lame.
Jacob tries to help, but I'm going to be honest, he's pretty useless right now.
With a moment of dizziness, I plant my hands on his shoulders to avoid toppling forwards and headbutting his crotch. He grabs my upper arms, and I can see his lips moving, probably giving me life saving advice, but I hear nothing, only the drastic thrumming of my heart, the blood pumping through my veins.
And suddenly Jacob's stood up, looking from left to right. Oh god, what's he going to do? Is this where he goes all 'it's for your own good' before knocking me out in a single blow to the back of the head? Fuck my life.
A look of determination crosses his face as he crouches back down, letting me screw my eyes closed and grip his shoulders again for support-
There's something warm on my lips.
I stop breathing entirely and my eyes fly open.
Jacob's kissing me. He's kissing me in the living room. I'm having a fucking panic attack and he's kissing me. What the actual fuck.
He pulls away quickly, looking at me with an almost fearful glance. "You okay?" He whispers, concerned.
"Why did you just kiss me?" I hiss as quietly as I can.
He looks utterly taken back. "What?! I just- I mean, hang on. I heard that it stops panic attacks, and when I asked you if it was a panic attack you didn't reply, and I though you were just going to faint or something, so I did it." He replies.
He may have been concerned over you living or dying, but he's still in love with your cousin that nagging voice in the back of my head snarls, chanting it as if it'll make me like him less. Shut up I snarl back, praying for it to shut up. And I swear I'm not crazy.
I apologise to Jacob for snapping at him, letting him sit beside me with an arm over my shoulders as I steady my breathing, waiting for Charlie or Bella to come in with my meds. It's Bella who runs in with them, and this time her entire face contorts into a quick disapproving glance for less than a second as she catches sight of Jacob and me, but I don't give a shit as she hands me my meds and a glass of water. I take the two pills dry, chasing them down afterwards with water. "Bells, would you grab my messenger bag from my room please?" I ask her, knowing that my Ritalin and anti-anxiety meds are in there.
She nods with a fake smile, running off and coming back with my bag.
I don't open it since I know they'll see my cigarettes and stuff in there. I just feel around the bottom of the bag until my hand comes into contact with the three bottles of pills at the bottom. The third bottle is full of anti depressants.
A small part of me wants to laugh when Jacob tenses beside me, at the fact that he freezes when he gets a glance of the real me. Bella doesn't need six pills a day to keep her sane the voice taunts. I don't care though, popping the caps of all three tubs and placing one of each pill in my palm, taking them dry before drinking some water. I stuff the bottle back into my bag, closing my eyes and taking deep breaths with a groan.
I'll bet Bella's never been depressed. Something tells me that she's got her perfect little human life all sorted out I'm getting really sick of that damn voice. Everyone will be happy if she and Jacob get together. Don't you see the way they look at one another? Jacob would never look at you that way. I only hate the voice because it tells me the truth.
Let me out.
I take two more pills, one more anti depressant and one more anti anxiety. They'll have me so far on cloud nine that the voice will be gone until they wear off, by which time it'll get it's wish of freedom as I sleep.
"Everything sorted?" Charlie asks.
My eyes snap open and I look up to meet his gaze. He obviously didn't see me taking anything. I nod. "All fine and dandy." I lie. "Sorry, I guess I should have warned you about panic attacks, huh?" I add, trying to sound upbeat and joking.
Jacob's and Bella's gazes burn into me, but I stand with my bag, apologising for the hassle as I pick up the pain meds and put them in my bag with the other pills. I take my bag into my room, effectively killing all other conversation. Once in my room, I pull the hair tie from my hair and close my eyes, sighing as I rub my scalp with a groan. It's gonna be a long summer if I can't even be around them when they're together.
Okay, so that's the end of Chapter Three. I don't know how you guys feel about the length of the chapters, I realise that this is only the third chapter so there's not much to go on, but this one is just about seven thousand words and the last two have been less.
Oh, and the book mentioned (Ketchup Clouds) is a real book and I personally love it. I've forced it on multiple friends and they too think it's amazing, so I'm just throwing that out there to anyone who's looking for a good book.
Review!