This one's quite long. More getting into Kate's head. Why she's so conflicted. Some Castle-flavored entertainment to make her smile.

Chapter 21 – Not so alone

When Kate emerged from her room, she saw Castle sitting on her couch. She wasn't surprised. She knew now he'd intentionally goaded her. She hadn't even realized she was being played until she was alone, in her room pulling on her warmest sweatshirt. She hadn't bothered with the shower.

She sat on the couch next to him. He wondered if she'd say anything, but, she didn't. He wondered if he should apologize, but he didn't.

"Do you want me to call your dad? Have him come over?"

"No."

"You shouldn't be alone. He'd want to be here."

"He left this morning." He'd called earlier, but she hadn't answered. Besides, they were busy with a case.

"Left?"

"Went to Atlanta with Sheryl to meet her family. Visit. Won't be back 'til next weekend."

"On Mother's Day?"

Kate didn't answer, but she pursed her lips and looked at him. The way she quickly raised her eyebrows, challenging him to say anything else, told him clearly that this is what she'd been upset about when they came out of his office the other night.

"How 'bout Lanie?"

"No, Castle. She doesn't even get along with her mom. Kinda hard to relate."

"Josh?" he suggested with a tightness in his chest. Damn. Offering him up as Kate's comforter was hard.

"No, Castle. I don't really want to be around anyone right now. Just left alone." She wasn't mean when she said it. She wasn't even looking at him. In fact, as she leaned forward, elbows on her knees, she wasn't really looking at anything. She looked absentminded, but he knew her mind was raging.

He debated for a moment. He didn't really want to leave her alone. He wouldn't want to be left alone, but he never wanted to be alone. Beckett was different. Not clingy. Independent. Used to working stuff out on her own. If he stayed, he would hover and coddle her. And given the day, no, the week—no, the month—she's had, she probably still wanted to fight. Anything to keep from crying.

He came to a decision. As much as he really wanted to be there for Kate, he truly believed she wanted to be left alone. And, for once, he didn't want to invade her space. And he certainly didn't want to be on the receiving end of a tongue lashing—or worse another week's worth of the silent treatment. That hadn't been fun. He'd intentionally made her mad before just to spur her into action. If she got mad at him this time around, it would be because he cared. He wasn't ready to sit at that table, knowing he couldn't show his hand, couldn't go all in. So he folded.

Castle scooted forward on the couch so he had a better view of Kate's face.

"Will you at least call me if you need anything?" he asked as he started to move off the couch. The question came out very much like a heavy sigh.

Kate's eyes snapped to his. "I didn't mean that you should go."

That's odd. Rick's brow curled in confusion. He could have sworn Kate said exactly that he should go, that she wanted to be left alone.

"Are you asking me to stay?"

Kate turned away from him. He could have sworn her jaw tightened a little. Is she mad at me for trying to respect her wishes?

"No."

Kate picked up the remote and punched the TV on. She started flipping through the channels. She paused on the news, but when they said "was killed today," she quickly flipped it. She stopped on ESPN where two analysts were discussing the Yankees' offense, but when it went to commercial, she kept moving. When she landed on a recast of Temptation Lane, Castle watched as the corners of her eyes tightened. She closed her eyes slowly and brought her eyebrows up, stretching her eyelids as far as taut as they could be. It was an odd, but effective way to keep unwanted tears at bay.

Rick didn't know what to do or say. He consciously decided to do nothing, except return to the more comfortable position.

"I'm not going to fall apart if you go."

"Will you if I stay?"

Kate looked at him, confused.

"It's okay to cry, Kate," he said gently.

"What are you talking about?" she replied in irritation. "I've been crying for the last two hours."

"No. You've been trying not to cry. What you need is a good, old-fashioned bawl-fest. Let it out instead of bottling it in."

"I shouldn't be crying over it at all. It's just a ring. An object. It's materialistic and that's not me."

"If that were true, I might agree with you, but we both know it's not just a ring."

"So, you think it's worth losing my mind over? I mean, my God, I was just throwing stuff at you a half hour ago. In the last couple of hours, I think I've been through all the stages of grief except hope and denial. Pretty hard to deny. Over a ring, Castle. Any you think that's normal? God, I wish I could live in your fantasy world."

"I think you have every right to be upset and emotional." He could tell she was still fighting it.

His words reminded her of last weekend, and she groaned.

"Between this and zoning out during dinner last weekend, you must think I'm completely neurotic."

"No, Kate. I've just read enough comics to know that even superheroes need to shed their masks sometimes. Share the weight of the world."

"Flawed only in that I'm not a superhero."

"Debatable." He was serious. "But you are definitely a woman. And I know from personal experience, you need a good cry. Preferably followed by chocolate ice cream."

"Castle…" She didn't really have anything to say.

Rick shimmied his shoulders back and forth. "Well practiced shoulders," he said, nudging Kate with one. "Worn in by Mother and Alexis. Trust me, Detective, I can take it."

"I don't want to cry. I mean really cry. It solves nothing. I don't want to be weak."

"Come on, Kate. Royce. Your dad dating. Losing your mother's ring. You know I won't think any less of you."

Kate didn't say anything, but he could see she was still fighting the churn of emotions.

"At least let me give you a hug."

"Can't, Castle." She said with a scratchy voice. He watched her lip quiver.

"Why not?"

"Because if you hug me," she choked out, 'I'll cry." But her tears already escaping.

Rick reached out and pulled her into his arms, cradling her head against his chest. And Kate let him. She more than let him. She welcomed his embrace, collapsed into, and cried one of those soul-cleansing cries. She cried for Royce and her guilt over letting her friend die alone, not having forgiven him. She cried over her dad and her guilt at not being able to be happy for him. She cried for being envious.

But mostly, she cried for her mom. Since the days immediately after her death, no one had ever held her while she cried. Instead, she was always cried over her mother, alone, in her room, with a pillow muffling her agony. She cried for her loss, for the things she couldn't remember and the things she could. She cried because of how good it felt to finally have someone there for her. And when she realized, again, that it was Castle, she cried just a little bit harder because she still hadn't figured out how to reconcile her feelings for him with the reality that they weren't.

Kate wasn't sure how long he held her there. She just knew that she'd groused, "God, Castle, I feel so alone." He' whispered in her ear. "Shh, shh. Kate. You're not alone, Kate. You're never alone. I'm here. I'll always be here." He'd wrapped his arm tighter around her head, and she thought pressed his lips to her head. She wasn't sure. But he continued to murmur to her.

"You're okay."

"It'll be olay."

"Just let it out."

All the while, she gripped his shirt, while he rubbed her back, stroked her hair and helped her breathe. Somehow, he'd even procured Kleenex. She was sure that box hadn't been on her side table earlier, but, as her breathing began to go from the shallow, ragged breaths that ordinarily accompany grief, she became aware of the mountain of used tissues that had grown in his lap. Kate stayed where she was as her tears finally subsided. Still, she made no move to move away from his embrace. The only shift in her position was to release his shirt and drop her hand from his chest to his waist, where she unconsciously hooked her thumb through his belt loop.

Kate stayed there, in Rick's arms, for a while, not saying anything. Not even overthinking the position she found herself in. After soaking—and probably snotting—Rick's shirt, she knew she should probably feel embarrassed. But for some reason, she felt unashamed. He'd allowed her to completely unburden herself on him, quite literally. She had nothing to give him in return, so she offered him the only thing she could: a small smile.

"I told you, Castle," she said, tapping his chest. "Completely neurotic." Her voice had a hint of humor to it.

"Naw. I'm thinking more like Hot Mess." He double-flicked those cocky eyebrows at her. Then he squeezed her with his arm and pulled out his phone. Clearly, a thought had suddenly popped into his head. "Hey, maybe that can be your new ringtone, you know, since Alexis stole yours."

"Alexis didn't steal it, and you cannot make that your ringtone."

"No?" Why not? It's true. Except he's way past falling.

"No."

"Okay, well…" Castle kept his arms wrapped around Kate as he scrolled through his ring tones app. It sent him new ones every day and categorized them. "Here's one." He hit PLAY.

The lyrics to You Make Me Smile sounded from his phone. Castle looked at her, and he was smiling.

Good choice, Kate thought. Should be my ringtone for you. Kate tightened her arms around him. "I'm flattered, Rick, truly. But what else you got?"

This time he snickered before he hit play again.

You think I'd crumble / You think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as i know how to love / I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live / I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

"Ah, no, Castle." But she laughed.

"What's wrong with that one? Too true?"

"True, I hope. I was gonna say too jarring. Would you really want that screaming at you every time I call? And when I call to tell you we've got a dead body? Too weird. Anyway…you really want to wake up in the middle of the night to that glaringness?"

"All good points." He kept scrolling. Kate glanced down at his phone, but the angle made it hard to read, but she could make out some. She saw him pause a while at Soul Sister and later My Girl. She stopped watching. She didn't want to see what he was rejecting and she didn't want to wonder why.

"Hey, how 'bout this one?"

He hit play again. No lyrics, but she recognized it as a circus melody. It was upbeat, fun. She liked that he'd think of it for her. Simple, too. No one could read into it. She was about to tell him it was a good choice.

"No, wait. Perlmutter already has this one."

"Perlmutter has his own ringtone?"

"Detective, everyone gets their own ringtone."

"Still, you gave Perlmutter a circus ringtone?"

"You know how I appreciate irony."

"If you're creating the irony just to point it out when he calls, doesn't that make it satire?" She raised her eyebrow at him again.

He loved it when she did that.

"Well, yes, but, if I pretend I didn't write the story, it's still just ironic."

"What are the guy's ringtones?"

"Macho Macho Man and Rock This Town. 'Course they both hate 'em. Ryan's 'cuz it's a joke. Esposito's—well…come on! It's funny!"

Kate laughed. "It's cruel. You better pick something nice for me."

"Oh, you mean like this?"

Hoi've got a lo-ve-ly bunch o' coconuts.
There they are a-standin' in a row.
Big ones, small ones, some as big as yer 'ead!
Give 'em a twist, a flick o' the wrist,
That's what the showman said.

Kate laughed heartily—very amused, but not entirely shocked that Castle would think of applying the Monty Python song to her. "No, Castle! Please that really would be cruel."

"Wanna hear Lanie's? I had to customize it a bit." Then she heard something familiar from the Wizard of Oz.

Ding-dong the witch is dead [Munchkins]

Let the joyous news be spread [Glinda, the good witch]

As Coroner, I thoroughly examined her
And she's not only merely dead,
She's really most sincerely dead [Coroner, obviously]

"Really, Castle?" She was laughing so hard she had tears coming out of her eyes and her gut hurt. "That's too funny! Does Lanie know?"

"Uh-uh."

"Oh, she has got to hear that. She'd love it. She loves the Wizard of Oz. Heck, that ringtone should come standard with calls from Lanie.

"Sure. I can send it to you if you want it. But, I still don't have a new ringtone for you. And since you keep turning down everything I suggest…"

Kate thought for a moment. The songs might make sense, but she was still confused. She had her arms around a man other than her boyfriend. He'd seen her cry her eyes out like no one else before. Proof was in her still puffy eyes.

"How about Big Girls Don't Cry?" she suggested with a wry smile. "It'll be another Perlmutter."

"A Perlmutter, huh? Frankie or Fergie? And you better not say Fergie."

"Relax, Castle. I was thinking Frankie. You know, the chorus? But you're the only one who knows—and it better stay that way."

"Yeah, I could go with that. But next time, I'm going with my choice one or choice two."

Kate shifted. She leaned forward and looked back at Castle. His shirt was still wet. Poor guy had been wet half the day. Kate started to gather the tissues from his lap.

He grabbed her hands, "Really, Kate. I've got this." Kate flushed.

"You know I'm not going to be able to thank you for this?"

"And you never want to talk about it again. I got it. Don't worry, Detective. You letting me be here, trusting me, is—"

He was interrupted by the knocking at her door.

They both turned their heads toward the entryway.

"Your doc's got impeccable timing."

"You don't even know it's him. He normally calls first." She said, moving to the door. "Could be Lanie or my neighbor."

Castle stood up. Nope. That clenched gut? He knew it was Josh.

Kate checked the peephole. Josh. She was going to have to talk to him about this just showing up stuff. She touched her palms to her face before pulling open the door.

"Josh?" she asked as she pulled open the door.

"Kate? Have you been crying?"

What do you think, Genius? Castle thought. He was already up. Moving to the entry to get his wet coat.

"That obvious, huh?"

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Come in." She gestured. She turned toward Castle with a slightly pained look, and mouthed "Sorry."

She hadn't wanted company outside of Castle, so she was sorry. And she knew Josh wasn't going to like him being here—again.

"Kate what's going on here?" Josh asked, immediately noticing Castle presence. They would have to pass each other in the hallway.

Castle was pulling on his wet coat. She knew it was to hide the fact that she'd been crying on his chest.

"Just a tough case, Josh." No way in hell was she going to tell him. And it was half true. She was a tough case.

"You know you can talk to me, right?"

"And you know I don't like to bring it home with me."

"Yet you bring it and him home with you."

Kate looked up to see Castle grabbing his bag and slipping out her door. She knew he'd heard Josh.

"Castle, wait!" she walked past Josh, trying to catch the door before it shut. She hated how he was

always running whenever Josh showed up. He'd done the same thing with Demming. It was hard to figure him out.

She poked her head out the door.

"Castle." He turned on his way to the elevator. "Thank you."

"Anytime, Beckett."

Kate pulled her head back into her apartment and closed the door. She leaned there momentarily before taking a deep breath and turning to face Josh.

"Kate. I know it's your work, but I don't understand why he's got to be so involved in it? It's not just your work anymore, it's your life."

"We've been over this. He was there. And he cares about me. He's become a really good friend."

Josh ran a hand through his hair. "I care about you, Kate. I love you. I want to be the one who's there for you."

"Josh—I…" Kate faltered. The L-word? "I…I'm not in a good place right now. And this…case…it's been emotional. And I've been up since 3AM. I don't—"

Josh cut her off, afraid to hear that she didn't love him. He put his arms around her, irritated when she stiffened. God, she can be so damn frigid.

"I'm not trying to push you. I just want you to know I'm here, and I want to be here."

He felt her nod.

"I'm sorry. I know it's not what you expected when you came over, but I need a shower. And sleep. Will I see you tomorrow?"

So, she obviously doesn't want me to stay. "I have to work, but maybe we can work something out? And I'm leaving on Saturday. You're still welcome to come with me. My mom really wants to meet you."

"No, Josh. I'll probably end up working anyway."

"Okay." He kissed her goodnight, placing soft kisses on her eyes.

It irritated her that he drew attention to the fact that she'd been crying. Still, when she closed the door to her now empty apartment, she wished it was him that she missed. Why, though?

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