Hi all! How do you like this? Two chapters posted in two days?

This one is shorter, but I didn't want to make you wait. As for the last chapter, it didn't show up in the feed where new updated typically show up, and I'm not sure why. That's happened with a few other stories I follow (like "The Plan") – any ideas on how to fix are welcome…and of course, I'd love it if you took the time to review Chapter 30 as well as this chapter. Hope this one posts all right. The only thing I know to recommend is to set up alerts…seems the people who have this story on alert knew about the last update. (And a million thanks to all those who reviewed!)

Now…without further ado…time to find out where Kate is!

Chapter 31 – Confession

Kate woke up not in her own bed, wondering where her clothes were. The last thing she remembered was looking up to see Castle dancing with the Barbie Doll Bimbette. She'd lowered her head to her arms and rested at the bar, waiting for the waves of nausea to pass.

She looked around. Lanie. Thank God for Lanie. It wasn't like she never helped Lanie after a night out before, and though she wished she were in her own bed, she figured Lanie's guest bed was the next best thing. She rolled over and went back to sleep.

It was late morning, but Lanie was already up and showered when someone knocked on her door. She answered and opened the door wider to let Castle in, but he just handed her over a few things: Kate's bag, coffee for herself and Kate, a white to-go bag that smelled delicious—breakfast, he'd said.

"I put her in a cab to make sure she made it home safely."

"I know, Honey. We were right there." She and Javi were saying goodbye last night, letting Kate get some fresh air before they hailed a cab, when Castle came out with the blonde. Kate muttered "asshole" just loud enough for them to hear before tossing her cookies between a couple of parked cars. She never saw Castle shut the door and walk off.

Castle looked like he didn't sleep all night. "She'll come around Castle," Lanie tried to assure him.

"No, she won't. She'll regret that I wasn't Josh. She'll be mad at herself. Then she'll throw herself back into them because she feels guilty. We've been down this road before. I should have never danced with her to begin with."

Castle reached into his pocket and pulled out a pink phone. "I'm sure New York's finest can get this back to its rightful owner. Just, uh, make sure she deletes the pictures first. There's no video. I checked."

Lanie looked up at him with her big round eyes, realizing the lengths he had gone to for Kate. "I love my girl, Castle, but I'm not sure she deserves you."

"Of that, I have no doubt, Dr. Parrish," Castle said with a sad smile. "She deserves so much more."

Lanie walked into Kate's room, wondering how much of last night she remembered.

"Come on, Kate. Wake up. Breakfast is here."

Kate rolled and groaned, and sat up slightly to see if the contents of her stomach were going to stay there. She realized she actually did feel hungry and wondered why. Then she remembered emptying her stomach last night, no thanks to Castle and watching him leave with that skank.

"Uhgg," Kate groaned. "Where are my clothes, Lanie?"

"How should I know? When I put you to bed last night you had on one of my T-shirts and those sexy panties of yours. Are you telling me you have nothing on now?"

"No shirt."

"Good. 'Cause we need to talk and this way, I know you're not going anywhere."

"Now, Lanie? Do we have to do this now?"

"Now, Kate. From what I can tell, we should have done this a long time ago."

"What are you talking about?"

"That man is in love with you, Kate. In love with you. And you treat him like that?"

"Treat him like what? He's the one who walked away and left me standing there so he could leave with Miss I-Can't-Wait-To-Get-In-Your-Pants."

"What do you care, Kate? You're not supposed to care if he screws all of Manhattan. You've got a fucking boyfriend—and though you seem intent on forgetting that particular detail, Castle can't."

"Jesus, Lanie, I was drunk okay?"

"No, it's not okay! You can't keep stringing him along. You're killing him, Kate. And I don't mean figuratively. I mean—killing him, just as sure as the bodies on my slab are dead. You're going to put him there, Kate. I mean he actually looks unhealthy."

"Okay, Lanie, I can hear you. Stop yelling."

"Somebody's got to. I mean got, he's gotta want to scream. But no, he just comes to my door, tells me you deserve better. You know? He's acting like he did something wrong. And maybe he did. Maybe falling in love with you was the biggest mistake of his life."

"God, Lanie. Would you stop saying that? He's not in love with me."

"No?"

"No."

"Not in love with you, huh?" Lanie asked in a dark, hushed tone. "Then tell me why," she said reaching down beside the bed, "why, Kate, would that man show up at my door with breakfast and coffee for you—and me, and your clothes so you'd be more comfortable?"

"He didn't leave you on the dance floor because he wanted to spend time with some floozy. And he didn't go home with her. He put her in a cab, by herself." She pulled a pink phone from behind her back and tossed it in Kate's lap. "He committed larceny—larceny, Kate—to keep you out of the news. To keep your boyfriend from seeing you hanging all over another man."

She could see Kate fighting tears, not wanting to admit to herself or anyone else what they both knew to be true. Kate had known it for a long time, but she didn't want it to be true. She didn't want to acknowledge it. It was hard enough to keep her feelings at bay, to make sense of them.

"You might think you're not supposed to care, but we both know you do. Time to stop lying to yourself, Kate. Take a shower. I'll warm up breakfast."

Breakfast, as it turned out, was a variety of tart-sized mini quiche and blueberry muffins. Lanie warmed the quiche up in the oven, knowing she had time and they'd be better that way. She put them all on a tray and then poured cran-apple juice in two glasses for herself and Kate. She went to the living room to wait. She was angry with Kate, but she was also sympathetic. She knew how much Kate valued her independence and she knew how hard it had been for her to admit how she felt last summer.

She thought, too, about how hard it had had been for herself and Esposito to get where they were, to admit how they felt about one another. And they were up against a lot less than Kate and Rick. Still, if Kate could just get past all that was holding her back, she would be so happy—Castle would see to that.

When Kate came from the shower, she stopped short at the sight of Lanie sitting there waiting for her. She truly had that deer-in-the-headlights look. Her eyes were rimmed red—there was no denying what she had been doing in the shower. Her shame seemed to weigh her down as her head and shoulders sagged.

Lanie nodded to the couch, where Kate sat down in the corner and hugged a pillow to her body.

"Start talking."

Kate looked up to Lanie and held her gaze for a moment, wondering how much she wanted to challenge her. Finally, she gave in.

"I don't know where to start."

Lanie raised her eyebrows at her. "Why don't you start with kissing Castle?"

Kate's eyes widened and she started to panic. "I don't care how much I had to drink, I'm pretty sure I'd remember kissing Castle."

"I'm not talking about last night, Kate."

"I never said anything about kissing Castle."

"And I'm going to forgive you for that because you are going to tell me all about it—right now."

"It was just a ruse for a case, Lanie. Nothing more."

"Know how I know that's a lie?"

"It's not a—"

"Do you not trust me, Kate? Am I not your friend?"

"Of course you are. You know I trust you."

"See...the thing is…I think you're okay telling me about the things that don't matter. Hot sex with Josh. Kissing Demming, Will coming back…but the things that matter to you? Those you don't share. I thought we were friends, Kate."

She was looking at Kate, watching her chew on her lip.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I mean, obviously, you don't want to or you would have already. And you wouldn't have lied to me." Seeing the look on Kate's face, she relented a little. "Whatever. Okay? I'm not going to hold it against you." Lanie shook her head, realizing her little guilt trip wasn't going to work. She gave up. "Just eat, Kate." She started to get up, to do…something.

"Wait." Lanie settled back in, not looking at Kate.

"I never said anything about it for a lot of reasons. In part because it was for a case…to get closer to the guard at the warehouse where Lockwood was torturing Javi and Kevin. We needed—"

"Wait. This happened that long ago?"

"Yeah," Kate said with an apologetic smile. "We had to get close to the warehouse, but there was no way to just sneak up. I had nothing, but Castle came up an idea…for us to act like a drunk couple so we could get closer. The guard started coming toward us, and I could tell he wasn't buying it. I was going to shoot him. Who knows what would have happened to Esposito and Ryan if Lockwood heard my gun discharge? But Castle? He knocks my hand away from my gun and drags me to him for a kiss."

"Oh, wow. So, it really wasn't real? I don't get it then. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm not done. I'm trying to tell you." Kate was a little exasperated, but she found once she started, she couldn't stop. "I pulled back, you know? Shocked and a little mad at Castle. But then I saw the guard approaching us…kinda voyeur-like, watching us make-out, but he was getting closer, like we needed. So, I kissed Castle. But, I'm telling you, Lanie, I feel so guilty, and not about Josh, I mean, when it comes right down to it, its first purpose was to distract the guard, but I was the one who ended up distracted. Even with Ryan and Esposito in the warehouse, I totally lost sight of where we were, what we were doing. They could have been killed, and I was kissing Castle."

"Musta been some kiss."

Kate shook her head. "Castle and I never talked about it, not even in a roundabout way. I never mentioned it to you because I feel guilty about it, about losing my head like that, embarrassed, and…and I wanted it just for me—to keep it to myself—because I haven't completely figured it out."

Lanie moved closer to Kate to hug her. "You have nothing to feel guilty about. However you got there, you saved Esposito and Ryan's lives. For that, I am very, very thankful, by the way." With Kate's head resting on her shoulder she smiled down at her. "Being that it was a pretty complicated first kiss…I guess, I can see why you didn't tell me."

"But now you know." Kate looked directly at her friend. "And I'm sorry I didn't tell you." Lanie squeezed her shoulder, but neither spoke for a moment. Then Kate whispered quietly, "So, do you want the full confession? The part that scares the hell out of me?" She scoffed lightly, "I mean, aside from knowing he has the power to make me completely thoughtless?"

"Hit me."

"It…they...were the best kisses of my life, and I don't even know if they were real. Or rather, they weren't real, and they still manage to make me feel like I've never been kissed before."

"That good, huh?"

"You have no idea. He consumes me, Lanie." She flushed. "I…I never think of anyone else."

"Even when you're with Josh?"

Kate shook her head. "I try to, Lanie, I swear to God. But I either have to clear my mind of everything or I'm thinking 'Please just make me forget Castle.' Or I imagine Castle. And I don't want to. I don't want him in my head. I don't want to be consumed."

"It's called being in love, Honey."

"No, not this."

"Yes. This."

"But you love Esposito and you can still function."

"You saw how jealous and upset I was. I was ready to walk away. And remember how Jenny was when she thought Ryan was with Natalie Rhodes?"

"This isn't even a jealousy thing."

"Need I remind you about calling Castle an 'asshole' last night and how seeing him with that blonde made you turn your stomach inside out?"

"Oh, uh, please feel free to never remind me of that again. God, Esposito was there, too, wasn't he?" Lanie nodded. Kate groaned.

"Hey, you still have the varsity jacket to hold over his head. He said you must not have mentioned it to Castle or Ryan."

"No, not yet. Still, completely losing my mind over a kiss? That's not normal. And that's not me. It's like some fangirl response."

"Now you're just being ridiculous. And I don't think it's unheard of—your relationship has a depth to it that most don't, plus, there were the circumstances of your first kiss. A lot was at stake."

"Yeah, definitely not how imagined a first kiss with Castle."

"So, you do imagine a first kiss with Castle."

Kate chuckled. "Lanie, I just admitted to a whole lot more."

"I meant, I think you get a first kiss do-over, so how do you imagine that?"

"Castle's kind of a romantic, you know? And oddly traditional, so I guess I always imagined it as 'thanks for a great first date, let's do it again.' "

"And again. And again. And again." Lanie teased, until Kate's elbow met her side.

The two were silent for a while. Kate reached for a quiche and drank some of the juice, regretting that she'd let her coffee go cold. She was thinking about those pictures on the blonde's phone. She was sorry for the position she put him in, for making him feel like he was a stand-in for someone else—especially when the opposite was true. She was having a harder time finally giving in to how it felt to be in his arms.

After a while, Lanie spoke up. "Kate, what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I am in a relationship."

"You're in a relationship all right, but not with the good Dr. Davidson."

"Still, he doesn't deserve to be treated this way. He hasn't done anything wrong."

"No doubt you've drug this on too long, but he hasn't really been there for you either, has he? You can't blame yourself for not sharing his feelings. I've told you before, you can't force it. And you've tried, haven't you?"

"I kept telling myself I was trying, but it was perfunctory at best. He thinks he loves me, but he doesn't have a clue who I am."

"How could he? He's gone or you're both working. And you're not exactly open and trusting."

"No, I'm not."

"Except with Castle."

"Except with Castle."

"Kate?"

Kate looked up at Lanie.

"I really am worried about Castle. More than not being fair to Josh, you're not being fair to him. This being there for you, trying to be your friend? And watching you be with someone else? It's taking a toll on him. He looks like you did last summer."

Lanie paused. "You say you don't want him, that he overwhelms you. If you're not willing to take him on completely, you need to let him go."

"I'm not strong enough to let him go, Lanie, but nothing can change with him, not yet." Lanie looked at her, questioning her statement. "Not until I can give him everything. Castle's not like Josh. He won't settle for less. And I can't hold back with him. I'd just hurt him even more if I offered him less than everything. Right now, I'm not ready to lose myself."

"Kate, when are you going to realize, you're not losing you, you're gaining a man who loves and supports you, flaws and all. You're gaining Castle."

Kate smiled. "And Alexis." As an afterthought, she added. "And Martha." She paused again, "I know Lanie, I just need some time. Not forever, but…first things first, right? Josh needs to come home."

Lanie smiled, glad her friend was finally seeing the light. Maybe she wasn't rushing headlong into a relationship with Castle, but her heart was already there—even if she didn't want to admit it.

So, progress, right?

Let me know what you think! Do you like this approach with Kate's feelings toward Castle?