AN/ Warning: DARK THEMES AHEAD. M change for a reason. The { and } mark an outward monologue that finishes as dialogue, you'll understand when you read it.
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Enjoy.
OOOO
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L O V E
Black Lab
Aksel's POV
{I don't recall feeling anything, "Is that her?"
"Yes." I nodded simply.
She was dismembered, her head was severed and they just placed it carelessly by the side of her dissected body, I saw a yellow bug crawl murkily from her dichotomized chest to her bloodied groin, her toes were irreversibly twisted and there were heavy clogs of blood underneath each of her protruding nails, her mouth was open with bugs, her eyes were gauged open, I could barely see her sky-blue eyes, I could barely see her anymore, "That is my sister."
I was 15.
I will never forget the pungent smell of the open intestines of a corpse. I will never forget it. It is not something one choses to experience Jazz, up until now I hope I couldn't say 'I know' how it smells, how it- looks.
"Mrs. Næss' recognition won't be necessary," I didn't flinch when I heard the coroner talking to one of his assistances, I remember him being old, he was bald. Both were making notes "the little girl's father and older brother recognized her as such."
'The little girl' -What is that? I wondered at that time, I even pointed at it, -what is that rotting cadaver that's staring blankly at me?
Yes, I stared back at her.
At my sister, or- the vestiges of her.
I was somehow hoping for her to mock me and yell with her characteristic high-pitched voice, like she did before, when she lived. Jazz, I just couldn't understand why she looked so scary.
"Get up." I whispered, I wasn't even standing near but somehow I expected her to hear "Get up or I'll scream."
I had to scream.
If you ask me now, I can't recall what happened next, it was a blur, a nonsensical blur. I remember that when I turned to my left I noticed how quick it was night already. Yes, I entered in daylight, and before you ask, no, I wasn't in the mortuary anymore. I remember the coroner speaking directly at me, I couldn't even listen and without even noticing, my mother was there, listening to what that man had to say about me. She was staring right at me.
She was upset Jazz.
"It is fine Mrs. Næss, he just had an anxiety attack." Now I wonder how they didn't expect it, You just can't drag a 15 year old boy to watch a gruesome violent cadaver without warning, I am not surprised I had a mental break-down right after it downed on me it was actually my sister. Back to the coroner's empty protests, I remember he urged me to stand beside my mother, I recall she placed her hand on my shoulder, not warmly, now I recognize it as solemnly cold, "We thought he was a well-behaved boy but-" He hooted, he dared laugh at my situation, because I can now assure you she was my dead, not everyone else's concern. In my opinion that man made the most tasteless comments that even being as young as I was, they bothered me, deeply. I felt somberly irate "at the end he panicked." He even dared pat my head.
"I'm sorry for the inconvenience, I hope my son behaves better the next time" Anticipating for a next time told me much you know, but at that time, there wasn't much I wanted to see, I might have been deliberately blind. It was my sister's cadaver they obliged me to see. And you know why? Simply because my mother didn't want to, because she was too busy taking other people's condolences. Because she cared too much for how big and pompous and elegant and pricy her funeral was going to be instead of actually making sure it was even her.
Now fully aware, I admit I never saw her cry, at least not about her.
All because we are all dead for her. Probably she is somewhat expecting us to die. Remember we are all their Jesters. Jazz you are good saying intelligent shit, I can give her a chance, do you think it is part of her being protective with herself? Is it instinct? Is it her nature? Is it preluded? Or is she simply just as shitty as I never wanted to see her? Don't answer that, I might just know the real answer.
At that time, I really needed a mother, the mother I thought I had. I'll tell you something, I didn't care I wasn't a toddler anymore, I didn't mind the coroner was present, I ignored my family's taciturn protocol and I recall my arms sneaking around her waist, I admit, I simply needed her. I was about to tell her how awful were the things I smelled, the things I heard and the things I saw but I remember I couldn't, I recall her pushing me away, sternly severe "Aksel I am speaking with an adult, show some respect."
I felt ashamed, I felt unheard but most importantly, I felt alone.
Yes I am fine. Just give me a minute. Just a minute. Alright, Okay.
I turned and expected to clash gazes with my sister, I was hoping for us to laugh in complicity, I was hoping for her to make fun of my mom's dismissal, I was hoping just- to see her there, standing beside me, childishly vivid, as she had been until then. In that exact moment, I started crying, it wasn't a silent movie cry, I started crying as loud and painful as my heart hunted, as my soul ached, I was sobbing, screaming, weeping, grieving, because since I was told that my sister was dead, for the first time, I understood it.
They say men don't cry, I wasn't a kid, true, was it justified to cry? Yes. I think it was. I never had time to grow up until then, I felt forced to. Jazz, that marked my adulthood, I stopped behaving as a kid after that, that was the last time I shed a tear.
My mom turned to me and slapped her own leg, impatiently, why was her teenage son crying? Dear lord, I wonder why. Her eyes were protesting for me to be quiet, she even apologized with the coroner.
I've lived unapologetically ever since. I never knew how to live with it but I did and subsequently, the pain lessened and I could go on, without her.}
-I never expected to tell about this to anyone."
Jazz was quiet as he carefully listened to every word I spoke, without interruption, our conversation was being one-sided until I detained to breathe, my throat felt a little too tight, I was lost in between the bristly memories to even pay attention to my surroundings, when I came back to earth I sighed, lightened, I reminded myself that it was my friend Jazz anyways and I couldn't help but feel thankful, he was that one person who made me close my eyes, breathe calmly and just let go.
His eyes were lost in dullness, he hesitated to speak, but broke the silence anyways "I never once thought you would tell me."
"I figured, but at the end, it has brought me peace. To speak with you I mean."
He moved his head, "…You are strong"
"No it's just that It doesn't hurt as much anymore."
He reached for my hand, "I don't know what else to say, more than I'm profoundly condoled. I'm sorry for what you've lived, for what she couldn't. There is just about much that I know I can take. That is not one of it."
I reciprocated the grasp, our fingers intertwined, "I don't expect you to say anything that can fix it, I just hope you understand the level of hazard that's barricading alongside me."
"Don't say that." It felt warm, his hand felt warm.
"I'm serious Jazz." My eyes conflicted but he remained silent "Sometimes I doubt if it's even convenient to keep on twisting you in between the knowledge that is this tarnished obscurity, my life. I just can't forgive my powerlessness anymore, I can't blame it but I can't excuse it. I wouldn't forgive myself if I let something happen to you."
"You won't, I will be fine. I have to be the least of your preoccupations" his reassuring smile was impending to lift my wretched mood, I appreciated it, silently but I did "You know I'm not dumb I get it, I get the risk. But I promise you won't lose me, I hope I don't lose you either." He groaned, stubbornly, I once again admitted to myself that I liked him "You can't just leave me the fuck alone."
I returned the grin, "I'll fight until I die. I won't ever leave you."
"Promise?"
"Yeah…"
"…'Kay because I've told you I am not yet suicidal, I might just be if you leave."
I moved my head, "Don't say that."
"Well figure that as a promise you dickhead."
"Hell, I can't give up just yet then."
He smirked, "You'll decide that pal."
I wish it was that easy, but thank you Jazz. Infinitely thank you.
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Jazz' POV
Human beings are insensitive creatures to a certain degree, and by certain, I mean that this relatively negative aspect is almost an instinct. I ought to understand the utmost apathetic guise each of us can nest within ourselves. I hunt an explication that justifies society's ostracizing rebuke towards groups or individuals that might defy the commodity of being non-existent.
I haven't met Aksel's mother, but I loathe her, with my entire being, as much as I should hate my own. Without feeling it being untimely but vindicated, I can see in his eyes he hates mine just as much. I can clearly understand the reason for these mutual protection is the raw affection we developed for the other. Regardless of my resilient and sturdiness nature to form significant bonds, I am amazed by his unintentional dexterity of probing each of my walls down without them even resisting.
Notwithstanding how tempered my mulishness is, I am still startled even of my own egoistical point of view, how truthful is that everyone and anything else can go straight to hell. But if Aksel is naturally condemned to go to the dreadful netherworld, I shall just go ahead and take his hand, we can both rot in the unfathomable abyss if that means everyone else can choke. But far off- far off. Together.
Speaking of which, as I enter my house I think about what Aksel told me the last time we saw each other, the genuine crudeness of his experience has left me bowled over; almost numb. I dared propose to cypher every sentiment he ever so silently conveyed as he spoke about the darkest nooks of his own personal inferno, I had to remind myself that Aksel is stronger than my compelled heart and my ears were listening to a mitigated soul, not a persecuted one.
I acknowledged his trust and after that, I found myself speaking more often than not about the things that I've seen, I hear what he has to say from his often disregarded point of view and it doesn't feel bittersweet anymore when we both agree we are both going to hell.
"But hell you are coming down with me."
Why yes, I love him.
My grandmother used to say love is only useful for certain things, she used to compare its durability and convenience to the one you can find in a cigar, she said it was a fixation useful to lessen hunger, to deprive sleep, to muffle cold and she never ceased to mention it eventually kills us; the remark became so customary that I eventually stopped recognizing weather she spoke about love or she was merely referring to the cigarettes she always bought at 5 o'clock.
I never thought about it being poetic, less whimsical. For me, my grandmother was merely a bitter woman with life past her shoulder. I had 11 when she died, regardless my constant occurrence to see her, I don't remember ever crying for her. In my child's mind, she seemed uncomfortable living anyways.
Though I can't securely assert my grandmother wasn't as hollow and void as I think she was, that is possibly that one thing I can agree with, but I am also certain she didn't have that opinion out of wisdom, as I said before, my grandmother was merely a bitter woman with life aloof her shoulder; She never loved anyone and nobody ever loved her.
As per myself, I think I have acquired that consciousness out of loneliness, not out of astuteness, I am not as sage, I am not as wise. I turn off my coffee kettle and I wonder; should I be afraid of the resonating echo she left behind as her one heritage? My grandmother's legacy of lovelessness and perpetual seclusion- Probably. I often regard myself with submission, I have repeatedly asked If I, myself feel genuinely threatened by that imminent ricocheting karma; to which whiles, in retrospection and with uprightness I am always cornered to admit that- No, I do not.
I serve myself a black coffee a little bit fuller than half of it, I sigh vaguely as I look myself in the deluded reflection I see through the black water on my mug; these days I've found myself strangely compelled by my own psyche. I've always been a conceived instigator controlled by its own, my atmosphere has done little-to-none vicissitudes in the insight of my discernment, perhaps I am thoroughly mistaken, I am regularly -more often than not, assertive with myself and it is likely to think that I have acquired such distinction in response of being constantly unaided with my own mind. It is a place I do my best to keep healthy.
But regardless my intents and projections of dying as none other than Jazz, today, I've found myself defeated by myself. I am disappointed to conclude that I might not die unscathed as I projected myself to do, conceitedly and recklessly Jazz. This is a chapter I am convinced I did not write, in my methodically meticulous book, I've encounter with a savorless draft that speaks about nothing that I've taught to myself. It feels as I've been supplanted whilst vexing to control my script and I happen to see letterings and prints that accuses my wrists. But once again, I have no recollection of ever allowing it, less executing with such stupidity.
But fairly, is it even a stupid move?
How does a person like me loses in a disclosure that's far more methodological than inadvertent? Maybe I was playing against an irrevocable force, perhaps I wanted to lose, perhaps I was lonelier than I expected and that made me play foul against myself, am I even upset? I've lost in my own game of seek and hide, in my own board, I've inferred that I completely forgot that I've always played soldier, I never had the foresees of being a King. I just wasn't careful enough, perchance I was never careful enough; at least not around him.
Does it really stop me from being Jazz? What am I now? If I do not honor what characterizes me as this unplayable contender, who am I? I remind myself that I am still a hurricane, and irretrievable might, an untamable soul that distressingly crumbled against a painstakingly stranger. I keep myself from overbearing myself with theatre, I struggle to disengage from humdrum play, but I just feel I can't win unless I stop loving him, or rather sincerely, unless it starts to bother me.
Yes, the worst part is that when I am with him, I forget I even want to be me.
.
Let's say I can still be Jazz with him, I can be the saddest man alive, or the most hilarious one. Honestly, we just can speak about anything, yes- anything.
I threw a bluish jelly-bean up in the air, I was sprightly enough to catch it between my teeth, "-and How was it? I mean, your first time?"
He moved his head, concededly "I've told you, we were just trying to break those barriers," he winced "it was a little bit awkward" He offered finally and then he smiled, I saw a tiny blush spreading on his cheeks but I pretended not to see.
My right eyebrow lifted, amusedly "Really?"
"Yes" Aksel's lips stretched wider, "Actually a lot," he breathed and scratched the back of his neck "I mean, I don't think I was that fixated with her when we first did it," he moved his head "-yours?"
I sighed dramatically loud, "Ugh Shut up," I rubbed my temple, "mine was so fucking bad," I confessed with a snicker "I didn't enjoy it at all."
He snorted beguiled, his eyes adverted to watch me grimace "Did she?"
"No man, I don't think so," I accepted, "I remember that after that, she sat beside me and said, 'To be honest? I don't understand the hype' and at that time I was like 'damn this sucks' it was super cringe-worthy and embarrassing."
"Oh man." His back was hunched and his elbows supported his weight over his folded legs, his unperturbed smile made me feel serene. My legs folded Indian style and I looked back at him.
"I hope she understands I was a kid," my hand moved explanatorily "but many first times are undoubtedly terrible. Most accurately if you lose it to one another, means none got the experience, equals none get the pleasure."
"Yeah, I guess so." He agreed "But I guess even in those cases things get better."
"I would expect." I snorted, heavily engrossed by his charm. I shook my head and I focused on ripping off every grass at my reach, I started making animal figures with them sticks.
Silence filled the spaces, but it was more comfortable than not. His voice didn't startle me, but it was effective to avert my eyes back on him "Did you know her? I mean, I thought you only picked girls at clubs?"
I moved my head in negative, almost expecting the question "Would it surprise you if I told you that I don't usually pick them at clubs?"
He closed one eye, resourcefully clever "For real?" I only nodded, he moved his head incredulous, "Jaaz?" he pressed
"Why no," I licked my lips amused and placed another jelly-bean up my tongue, I almost chuckled, "Actually I didn't know her personally, I guess we didn't even like each other at all, we had this friend in common, don't ask me how we ended up hooking up upstairs. I was bored? I guess? I admit I was hesitant when I agreed going with her, we were at one of my friend's house."
"Oh really? it wasn't a first-hand option for you? Jazz I swear to god that when I think I know everything about you, you come up with something new."
"I felt dismayed by the idea of sex to be honest, of course it wasn't an easy step, I didn't wake up one morning and said 'hell I'm going to go girl-hunting at a club' It was a thing that after some bits of information, the idea started growing on me. When we were in our friend's house, what happened is what I told you, sheer dissatisfaction." I ended up with a snigger.
I continued, he just nodded "When I was done with her I thought I would never get to enjoy it. And to worsen things I really didn't like her,"
"That much?"
"In my memory she is fucked up dude."
Aksel started laughing, "Maybe she wasn't,-wait you are merely speaking about her physical appearance aren't you?"
"Sort of, I don't want to be a jerk but whenever I see Gasper I see her." I sighed affronted, I felt admittedly mortified "Because she was too white and too thin for my now advanced tastes," I shined "but yeah her mood was awfully awkward, I guess she was as uncomfortable as me."
"Oh, that sounds pretty bad."
"Yes and before I forget, what you said about me going into clubs; while, yes I do go to clubs, I go to drink alcohol, with friends, alone it doesn't matter. I've only hooked up with a club's girl for like... twice."
"Really? Where the rest come from?" he inquired "I thought you were casual as fuck."
"Oh I am," I chortled "I'll tell you about one if you want."
He chuckled, "Yeah, I want to hear that."
"Cool, so I entered this typical American Milkshake restaurant. I was at the back reading, I recall it was something very uninteresting, otherwise I would have been permanently glued to my book." I confessed, Aksel just moved his head, he mouthed something akin to 'nerd' but I ignored it "She had this short blonde hair, she had freckles all over her face and deep brown eyes, overall pretty."
I continued "Yes, she was alone and surprisingly she was reading as well. I'm a simple man, no stunts, no romanticism, I got up and asked if we could read together." I pushed back a strand of hair off my face, I was still recounting, "She looked up at me and she smiled. I understood she liked me just as much and that she was interested as well."
Aksel grinned and reached for my bag of jelly-beans, he took a bunch and snorted yet again, "How the hell you even do that? What if…" he moved his head again, "What if she told you to fuck off?"
"I was subtle enough to make her think I might have not be flirting at all. Not that I'm an expert but I am certainly not basic, and yeah, I define being simple and basic very differently in this sort of context."
"Are you kidding me?" the wind blew through his orange hair and I permitted myself to return the beam.
"No, for real." I nodded "so I asked her about the book she was reading, I then suggested we should go for a walk, fast forwards we are kissing and she asks me if I'm really a dude."
"What did you say?" Aksel's was genuinely delighted.
I raised my eyebrow, "why don't you find it out by yourself doll?"
He started laughing, he gently pushed my shoulder "Fucking moron I hate you."
I snickered back, looking straightly at him "At the end of the day she said she knew it was a onetime thing but she wouldn't be upset to find me again, she gave me her number with a lip-stain on the back."
"Did you ever call her back?"
"Never."
He huffed, thoroughly jolly "I would hate to be a woman near you."
"You'd love it, I'm a gentleman."
He disagreed, charmed "As if."
I moved my head and shrugged "what about you, first time you were with someone that wasn't her?"
He stopped to think and hesitated "Hmmm... Only when we broke up, with Charlotte I mean," he paused again "we were once apart for like 6 months and after the first 2 months I thought it was for real and yeah," he admitted "in one of my professional meetups, but like the most social and jovial side of those meetups I saw this girl and I guess it was an instant click. I guess she was Spanish."
"God, was she fine?"
"Yes, let me recall," he hummed, "she was thinner than my ex. She was very tall, as tall as maybe, maybe Nobu but she was really pretty, she was very tanned, believe me when I tell you she was fine, she was much better than my ex."
My eyebrow lifted playfully, "How can you even say that?" Not that I complained "Jesus and I'm the moron."
"I guess that with Charlotte we weren't in the best of terms, we had a very rough break-up at that time, I felt bitter so my mind was as jagging, I really thought that, when we were apart, she was the most defective girl alive, I dare not say woman because If I'm honest with you I never saw her as one, up until now I sustain it."
"No chill for being honest," I blew the tiny flakes of grass stuck on my shirt and then offered him more of the colorful jelly-beans inside the bundle-bag I brought alongside me, he gladly accepted them, I decided to speak "With guys I have so much less experience but let's say I can handle it without giving off any kind of inexperience-vibe" I placed my index finger on my chin "even when I had my first time with one."
"Why? I thought you liked to handle control."
"When did I say I don't but see, there is a difference between giving up control and acting like you are somewhat inexperienced." I huffed, "And just for the record, I wouldn't risk my mental stability for nothing, I dared being with a guy once I knew that I enjoyed sex 100%."
"Oh so you mean-"
"Yep," I asserted "that was the last thing I tried, it's not like I tried guys and girls at the same time. When I got with a guy I already knew that sex could be enjoyable and not triggering, I felt less inhibited by dread." I impended, elusively "No preference-wise I am 100% bisexual. Means I like them just as much."
"I really thought you were always bisexual." he whistled, impressed "Since like forever."
"No, I wasn't, in fact like I have said, the idea eventually grew up on me. At the time when I was 14, I was still struggling to get over what happened to me when I was a child." I closed one eye, elucidating my former skirmish "But I was getting there nonetheless."
He dipped his head in understanment, "I see."
"When I did it with a guy for the first time I was already an adult. You can say I wouldn't have been prepared had I done it earlier. It would have been detrimental for me." I could tell he was being contemplative to my words and I valued the intention, he seemed inquisitive about the subject.
"You were 18? I mean with guys?"
"No, just on my 17's, not a legal adult, but come on, an adult already. If I don't gross you out I can talk about it?"
"Don't be silly?" he patted my shoulder, "Go ahead I want to know that about you."
"…'aight, let's see," I placed another jelly-bean in my mouth, I frowned at the sugary taste. "First off, I was bored," Differing from widespread opinion, I was not used to talk about my sex-life with anyone, but Aksel just brought out that type of trust in me "My friends and I, we were all chilling and one said we should go play some pool, it was like 10 minutes away," I shook my head tentatively, "this guy was staring at me, inhibitions off dude, alcohol does that."
"Isn't that a little bit dangerous?"
"Yeah, but don't get me wrong, I was at a point where just primal reserves were off, not my consciousness, I was somewhat sure of what I was doing, otherwise I would have been alarmed, mostly looking back."
"I see," I nodded at him.
"We chatted a little, I'm a mild smoker so he was basically setting me off with how much he smoked," I stuck out my tongue, rebuffed "I don't recall at which point I started ignoring that, I guess I really liked him," I leered chivalrously "Hell it was so cool, when the deed was done I thought that like for real it was one of the coolest hookups I've had."
"You are nuts," He ruffled my hair, "was it how you expected it to be?" he was still entertained.
My mouth creased in doubt, "I guess I didn't know what to expect and when it happened it was more painful than any other shitty expectation that I could have imagined." I windswept the grass underneath again, my wittiness was clearly diverting him.
He closed his eyes and exhaled "I mean, I guess but-" he snickered again "But did it surpass your -pleasure-wise expectations?"
"Yeah, we can say so," I concurred, shrugging "plus the experience was so much different than anything I'd tried up to that moment."
"Better?"
I hesitated, "Errr…." I moved my head uncertainly, "Let's say it was different."
I continued, "Actually, it was a tad ridiculous, he was sort of like 'Oops I'm flirting I thought you were a girl' and I went right back at him like 'dude, if the girls you approach dress like me you do have some serious closet issues."
"Damn," Aksel gritted his teeth, secondhandly embarrassed.
I dipped my head adamantly, "But like, he offered an apology and half-assed said he meant to say I was too attractive to be a guy."
"Hell, I imagine you even snarled."
I laughed "No, I just-, my voice is naturally a bit- aggressive," I explained, broadly boastful, "Plus, it's not like I was angry, nobody has ever bothered me with comments like those, what I flipped to, is the unpractical tactic- reproved at first." He beckoned.
I sighed placidly and unrelented "But in a very light-hearted side, I really had fun with him."
"Sounds cool," he enticed "did you ever see him again?"
"Thanks God I haven't."
Aksel guffawed, unbelievingly "Really? You wouldn't like to see him again?"
"Not in a million years." I capared, honestly eased "Let the experience stay that way, I wouldn't like to see anyone I've had sex with again. I would probably run and subsequently die."
"Why is that?"
I sighed but offered nonetheless, "Good things are meant to be dazedly remembered, the thrilling of lust might have changed the perception of how we saw each other and that applies to every person I've been with, if we see each other again we might question why we did what we did, and so far I don't have any regrets."
"Well that has sense, but what about Gasper?"
I placidly sustained "Not even Gasper, I do question where my mind was though" his smile was godly,
"I see," He finalized but then I noticed he shifted diffidently, then his eyes gazed back at me and probed "But… one question."
"Yeah?"
He exhaled and took another candy from my bag, I could have easily give them candies up, I was honestly saccharined by the absurd amount of sugar I oddly ate, "But being heterosexual you just don't get on with a dude without ever feeling attracted to the gender as whole, or I'm wrong?"
"To generalize might be problematic, in my personal opinion, I differ from you. I think that one single person can serve to a straight person as some sort of outburst, like an upheaval, have Ranma as an example, or even Youki." He listened me and then he nodded, "Not in my case though, if I'm really, but really honest with you, I think I was probably just afraid of ever acting upon my bisexuality. Even after that experience, I was still feeling closeted. I was not yet happy with myself."
His eyes stuck curiously on me, utterly absorbed, "Really?"
"I guess so, let's say that until that day I was able to merely start accepting myself as bisexual. But get this, It's not like I had my family's support through thick and thin, even before realizing I liked dudes, my mother already called me 'fag' for being raped when I was a child. Excuse my rusticity."
He looked at me, surprised "No it's fine, what staggers me-" his eyebrows furrowed, already piqued, "-I'm sorry but what a fucking bitch."
"Yeah, that is what she is." I agreed, the subject wasn't enough to wipe off my grin "For me it was incredibly challenging and somewhat knotty to achieve even just a little bit of self-assurance, I mean, regarding myself." I breathed out, "I was constantly reminded, almost mentalized that I was some sort of decease. For so long, I guess I tried to snub that part of me and up until today I admit to you that I am not as proud as I really want to. But I'm trying."
"I'm sorry," he moved his head, pensively, "For all the self-doubts she brought to you, I'm happy you outsmarted her toxicity, at least much more than anyone would have. And even if it's not done yet, just the fact you are trying is a lot." I smiled and became quiet to let him continue, "Jazz I'm proud of you."
My cheeks felt warm, "Shut up, I'm a fucking mess sometimes, you can't say that, and dude I am not trying to victimize myself."
"I never implied you did, I just know that you are stronger than you seem" He ruffled my hair again, "What I don't know is what kind of gross shit you have to be to treat your son like that, especially after an event so devastating as that one."
"Yeah..." I was already pensive, "Aksel," he looked back at me, surprised at the softness of my usually abrasive voice "Thank you."
His eyes opened falteringly "What for?"
"You can guess why people like me can't speak about rape and sex in the same conversation, not without being wrongly judged or mercilessly pointed at, especially when you are male and you later on found out you liked dudes as well," I heaved a breath, "My mother have sharp weapons when it comes to disapprove my lifestyle. She uses animalistic remarks implying that I must have enjoyed what happened to me when I was 5 or that I probably asked for it. You just can't generalize, my mother does, society does and I hate to know that."
Aksel winced and flinched at the crudeness of my words "Jesus fucking Christ Jazz."
"I can't trust in no one," I turned my eyes to him, "I once saw that as impossible. But now I trust you."
He placed cautiously his arm around my shoulders, "And I'm thankful for that." if he wasn't him, if it wasn't Aksel, I would have quickly recoiled from his touch. Even now, sometimes, lasting contact is just too overbearing for me.
"No, I don't want to get into sappy crap, but I'm more thankful than you can imagine." I rested my head on his shoulder and I couldn't recall any other time that I ever felt so unjudged by anyone before, for some reason, I didn't feel ashamed. But most importantly, with him I felt at complete and truthful peace. Sides, I knew I loved his aroma.
After a while, He sighed, calmly, "Side note," he muttered "I really like the way you think. Is that a thing?"
"Not really, people hardly take me seriously," I nuzzled on his shoulder, "but I figured it's just as fine, throughout the years, people barely get to know the real Jazz," I grinned at him "in fact you are the only one who has seen him" I decided confidently, his seaglass eyes opened for me and our gazes clashed, I ventured to speak again "What about the real Aksel?"
"What real one?" He questioned, still smiling.
"The one that likes cooking and Star Wars, better be, the one who has a fond spot for unusual animals and ugly insects? Or maybe the one who really likes children and feels guilty when he finds himself bored with their, redundantly- childish company, or-"
"Stop it," he placed a hand over my mouth, "that Aksel is sleeping deep within the roots of evilness."
I groaned, pushing him away "For real? I see him all the time?"
He placed his index finger on my forehead and I scowled, "But that's because you are also an assertively- unusual animal and I do, in fact have a soft spot for them."
"Hey! What do you mean by- fuck off," My eyes rolled up annoyed, I swatted his hand off "But for real? There is yet another Aksel that sometimes… sometimes makes it through?"
"You mean the weak one who doesn't like the shit he does for a living? Rather, the one who knows he will be slaughtered if he refuses?"
I hesitated, "Yeah that one, but without the 'weak' adjective."
He inhaled and moved his head dejectedly unconfident "Well that one can choke," he looked at me "Jazz you have seen hell without dying, I guess you can take to see how mine feels, others-" he exhaled painlessly "…They would simply run."
"Well then they can choke. You know I like you from head to toes, I ain't leaving for shit."
Aksel's cheeks colored blithely up, but his demeanor remained cool, "Shut up, you say that to everyone."
"Not really, I barely speak in terms of genuine affection with anyone, actually, I've never. But I am not virgin if that's why you say that."
He moved his head apologetically, "I know that," his hand touched mine "I'm playing with you."
"But I am not," I looked at him straight in the eye, "I mean it" his eyes softened.
His hand tightened on mine, "I know that too."
He didn't know how far his hand reached up to mine, the unfathomable darkness that he dared retrieve my corpse to begin living, when I spent years and years immersed in the loneliness of my memories, in the loneliness of my silence. When he stood quiet and held me, he saved me.
The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you, as Bob Marley once said, you just got to find the ones worth suffering for.
And now, I don't think it is just as bad to be in love with him.
I might just have to tell him how I feel. I probably should.
I groan as I decide, I will.
.
AN/ A little bit longer than I expected, I mean I really want to get into the Halloween fic I am planning. As per this fic, I hope things get juicy between them because I just can't throw gayness out of nowhere and I need to :/ so lol, more character monologue y'all :'v I hope you enjoy it, I will write the Halloween fic soon (before October 31st I hope) so stay tuned :D
Also, I know the shit about Aksel's sister was hella dark but I guess both were into some pretty dark shit throughout their lives so avoiding angsty stuff was like… impossible? Also YES, the whole Aksel's monologue was actually him telling to Jazz how things went down, I really wanted to write something around it and I was planning to prolong it but… gayness, I'm impassive to get to it. So Yay! And here ya got Aksel and Jazz' character development.
I'm sorry if the dark and humor shit is roughly mixed but I wanted to lift the mood, Patient, slash is soon to take this fic over, I mean who would have guess? I love Yaoi lol, ALSO no grammar checks I incorporated many parts today and I needed to finish this chapter, so I'm sorry if you found some flaws :V
I hope you enjoyed it.
Till next time
Batya000