A/N It may be well over a year late but technically this one is still going up on the 21st so that counts, right? This one is a prequel to Day 7: Regret but they both stand alone just fine. I finished writing this one the same day I posted the last chapter but thought I should pace things a little bit (definitely don't get used to updates this often, I was meant to be writing an essay when I wrote this). I'm pretty sure this still classifies as T...
Personally I really like this one so I hope you do too :) xx
Unselfish
Being Fire Lord brought with it many obligations.
Being Fire Lord after 100 years of war that was instigated by your ancestors was crippling.
In the process, however, Zuko learnt so much about himself.
Like the fact that, despite how much he would sometimes want to, he struggled to be selfish.
He tried it… for so long. He tried to keep everything separate.
He tried to fool himself into believing that being the Fire Lord wouldn't stop him from being with the woman he loved.
…the woman he loved…
There was a lockable drawer in his bedroom. No one questioned it. He was a powerful man and powerful men were allowed to have secrets. Under his mother's worn out copy of the "Love amongst the Dragons" novel was a small red box.
It was much alike the one he used to propose to his current fiancée but it meant so much more.
When Zuko was 20, an opportunity arose; an opportunity for him to actually be happy. Such a foreign concept it was to him, happiness; ever allusive and oddly associated with moments recovering from a lightening wound.
He was in Ba Sing Se on business, it was ever important to show he was amicable with Kuei, but he was utilising it as time with his uncle.
Katara, not long 18, was avoiding suitors and, after an event she'd been reluctant to divulge information about, had travelled incognito from Omashu to Ba Sing Se without Aang.
All it took was a perfectly brewed cup of hot leaf juice and she spoke of her situation. They were in the Jasmine Dragon after closing time, sitting at a cosy little booth by candlelight. The room was green and the light golden and it was transporting, as if they were in some other, private world.
He had been in love with her for almost 3 years.
She had been seeing the Avatar for slightly less but still similarly close to 3 years.
The Avatar's happiness and friendship with him was paramount in his re-establishing nation.
But the Avatar wasn't there…
He had a future planned out for them. He could even see faces of their possible children… the endless combinations of their features. He saw it running out like a tapestry, every step that he had orienteered in his mind, woven into an intricate design that he could wrap around himself and dare to hope. She'd be a loving, kind Fire Lady that would demand respect and excellence from their council. She'd make such a wonderful wife…
The ring and hair piece he'd commissioned for her sat heavy in a dresser drawer.
He wasn't sure what to do with them now.
They didn't belong with anyone but her...
...And it would seem that she didn't belong with anyone but Aang. She was so timid about it all… Aang hadn't proposed yet, during their stay in Omashu she'd overheard him talking to Bumi about the 'increasing urgency' to renew the ways of his people and the birth of the new generation.
"Do you want to know what happened in Omashu? Why I'm here?"
"Only if you want to tell me, no pressure,"
She and Aang had a huge argument. She was proposed to by the fourth Earthen Noble of the evening during a court soiree when Aang had made a huge song and dance about the whole thing and announced that she was HIS and they couldn't have her because Katara was his girlfriend. She'd gotten irate and refuted his sentiments, she belonged to herself. The Omashu court had the nerve to respond in agreement with the Avatar. Apologising to him.
Since the war, Katara had learnt a lot about politics and subsequently to reign in her temper, particularly when dealing with pigheaded officals. She hadn't raised her voice at all thus far. She was about to get really mad when King Bumi made eye contact with her, pulled at his collar and shook his head.
She said nothing, turning on a heel and returned to her room.
On the way she encountered the Northern Water Tribe's Ambassador, who was in Omashu for the same trade summit that she and Aang were meant to be there for.
"Mistress Katara," he bowed shallowly, his sunken blue eyes were amiable.
"Ambassador," She curtsied and motioned to continue on her leave, still silently seething.
"I hear it was recently your 18th year! You have truly aged into a true beauty. I don't understand how why you father has been unable to find you a suitable match by your age."
"Actually, in the south we don't arrange- -"
"I suppose it could be the fact you are known to have a few undesirable masculine qualities."
Her eye twitched.
"…but surely your passing interest in such things wouldn't outweigh you attractiveness and status."
"I'll have you know mastering combative water bending was not a passing interest."
He wasn't listening to her, "Ah that must be it! It is because you're involved with the Avatar."
"yes, I was his waterbending teacher and helped end the 100 Year War."
"and now no doubt his lover, no wonder you aren't married. You're tarnished."
She froze him to the wall.
Zuko laughed when she recount this to him in the tea shop. (She liked his laugh; the sound was warm, enveloping, and rare).
"So anyway, I return to my rooms. And nearly an hour later Aang comes by and, get this, he's mad at me for attacking the Ambassador! He tells me, as if he was doing me a favour, that he apologised for me and that I'd been behaving irrationally most of the evening."
"Wow…"
"I tell him what the ambassador said about me and he gets mad and declares that I am perfect and bending doesn't make me unattractive. Then he says I shouldn't worry about him thinking I'm tarnished because it's not a bad thing for other men to not want to marry me... Because I'm his forever girl… I quote, 'you shouldn't worry your pretty head about marriage Katara, you're with me'." She imitates him poorly but the words still make Zuko's stomach turn. "I told him he didn't get it at all and to just go… he got all tense and spat 'fine.' and walked out. So I packed and left for Ba Sing Se. Lucky it was a full moon that night so I didn't have to wait for sunrise to leave… I just couldn't stand to be near him any longer."
"He doesn't seem to understand you very well Katara. Honestly, I can't believe you're still together if he treats you like that."
"Oh he isn't so bad. We have fun together," Zuko looks at her, alarmed, and she slaps his arm and smirks at him "and no, before you ask not that kind of fun, your majesty. Mind out of the gutter, please. No matter what that crusty old ambassador may think, I'm not tarnished at all. "
Zuko tries not to look relieved.
He fails.
"I'm glad my lack of a sex life pleases you." She says it with a laugh and pokes his good cheek at the corner of his smile.
"Hey! I didn't mean it in that way. I was just smiling, I'm innocent. Besides I think I know how it feels to have a non-existent sex life."
"That's by choice though."
"Technically, so is yours."
She looks directly at him and feels him read her thoughts. He sees through her, straight into her fears of intimacy and her secret happiness that Aang hasn't tried anything too serious with her because she isn't sure.
They are silent for a moment. He fidgets with his cup and she idly bends the condensation around the rim of hers.
"You know, I wouldn't think any less of you either way..."
"I know Zuko," she stops bending and looks back at him with a soft smile and a pat on the Fire Lord's hand, "I know."
Three years of dating and she still isn't sure about him.
She isn't sure she wants him.
She loves him.
But does she want him?
"Come back to the Fire Nation with me."
"When do you leave?"
"Tomorrow afternoon."
"Okay,"
Her head fits perfectly into the crook of his neck and he is at peace. He is home.
He resolves that when they get to his homeland this time he will give her the jewellery he commissioned the last.
Last time, when Aang had used the fact he was 'right' that she should forgive the man who killed her mother as a reason she should always do as he advises.
Last time, when for the first time that Zuko knew of, Katara let loose a tirade on Aang.
Last time, when Aang ran away (again) and they didn't hear from him for weeks.
Last time, when Katara and Zuko would stay up into the wee hours of the morning and admit to each other that they wished things were different.
When Zuko told her all the things he loved about her.
When Katara confessed she didn't think being with Aang would be the way it is.
When she told him it didn't feel like the love her father described when he (rarely) speaks about his relationship with her mother.
When Zuko opened up his heart and soul and welcomed her to stay in the Fire Nation if she wanted.
When she'd smiled at him and he had let himself hope that she would.
She said she'd like to. He'd started organising things for her, seeking her counsel in political matters and revelling in her company.
They had three blissful weeks together in the palace as life partners. They never crossed into explicitly romantic territory. They were far more affectionate than Fire Nation court usually was but it wasn't much more than soft touches on the arm and infrequent hugs.
Just a week after she arrived he commissioned the ornaments and thinking about how he'll break the news to his advisers that he was going to marry a waterbender, if she would have him.
And then the fantasy shattered. It was announced that Aang was back from his soul searching and she was convinced behind a closed door to stay with the Avatar. They left that day. As Zuko watched Appa ascend his personal assistant informed him that the pieces he'd commissioned were done.
This time around Zuko decides that he isn't going to wait so long. He would make sure she knew that he was an option. This time he's going to be brave.
When they arrive in the Fire Nation they fall back into the routine from the last time. The staff notice that their leader is smiling more. He has a renewed passion for his work.
They spend long evenings talking by the fire in his office. They cuddle close behind the closed door. Her head fits perfectly into his neck; her hand fits perfectly into his. She knows him unlike anyone else. They keep things on the border of platonic, she gives him massages when he complains of aches and when they spar he never wears a shirt. They snuggle, play footsies and tickle each other. They make eye contact for a little bit too long.
She's been there for two weeks when he finally lets himself admits that he doesn't want her to ever leave. She kisses him on the cheek and says that she hasn't got any plans to go anywhere.
She's been there for four weeks when they're having supper and tea in his office and he has food stuck to his lip.
She holds his face and wipes it off with her thumb. He presses a soft kiss to her digit then covers her small hand with his own.
"What are you going to do when he comes back?"
"I don't know."
He turns his face, her finger tips run across his scar and he kisses her palm.
Her breath hitches in her throat.
"Would that answer change if I told you I love you?"
"I wish it would."
She's been there for five weeks when he pins her while they're sparring.
She's staring up at him. A drip of sweat rolls off a piece of his hair and falls onto her forehead. She finds that oddly erotic. Her senses are on fire. He has her wrists locked to the ground above her head. His hard body is hovering above hers in a steady plank.
He's breathing heavily; his chest is heaving. He's looking down at her with this cocky sidelong smirk. His face is so close to hers.
It wouldn't take much effort to kiss that stupid smile off his face. She'd just have to raise her head a little.
She wants to hook her legs over his hips and pull him into her. More than anything she wants to kiss him maybe, spar with their tongues and their bodies instead of just their bending.
Her breathing is shallow and her pupils are dilated when she rasps that he won and asks him to let her up. She walks away in a hurry and he's left confused.
She's been there for six weeks when she stops avoiding him and joins him in his office again and admits why she ran away from him.
"So… you wanted me?"
She covers her face with her hands, "Yes, okay Zuko?"
"Well it's more than okay with me."
"Shut up," he's smirking at her and she's blushing and hitting him with a pillow.
"So why didn't you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Act on it."
"You already know the answer."
He does.
She hasn't heard from Aang since she left Omashu. Word from the Earth Kingdom was that the Avatar had disappeared a few days after she had left. She isn't quite sure if they're still together or not. She knows she has never felt this way with Aang. There was an undeniable, almost animalistic, attraction that she had to Zuko. Especially when he smiles at her in that way – lopsided and mischievous yet filled with warmth and hope – her heart skips a beat. She was trying to convince herself that it was just physical, like she didn't hold a flame for the Firebender that took lightening for her. It all felt vaguely like a betrayal and she didn't want to hurt Aang.
It felt that way to Zuko too, sort of. But the way she spoke and the way he felt… honour be damned.
She's been there eight weeks and she's attended her third official dinner when she decides that she doesn't care what other people think.
The dinner was full of casual jabs at her heritage but Zuko had been so icily polite in setting them straight and she'd found it charming once again.
Instead of going straight to his office he asks her if she wants to see the house he grew up in.
Rather than getting a guard to escort them and unlock it the gate they decide to dig out their blacks and sneak in. It's like they're going to find her mother's killer again and she feels more alive than she has in a long time.
They scale and jump the wall fencing off the property.
They walk through the garden to the turtle duck pond. The birds are sleeping in the reeds and the house is so peaceful. They're totally alone and he reminisces about his mother and the fonder memories of his childhood.
They stand under the tree by the pond and he gazes into her starlit eyes. He looks serious, intense.
"She would've really liked you."
"You're going to find her Zuko," she corrects
"Yes, and when I do she'll really like you."
"You think so?"
"I know so. I like you, anyone would be crazy not to."
She hugs him, wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing for a moment before slowly releasing.
"Thanks for bringing me here, it's beautiful."
Instead of drawing her hands away she runs them down his hard torso. The thin black fabric clings to him. Her hand stops on his lightening scar then locks she eyes with him and there is a fire in his and in her own. He's about to reply but she cuts him off.
She kisses him.
Hard.
He eagerly reciprocates, running his hands up and down her back before undoing her braid almost roughly.
She pushes him against the tree, standing on a root so he doesn't have to slouch so much to kiss her back. She's cupping his face and pressed flush against him. His hands stop at her lower back; he's being gentlemanly - not wanting to push her too far. She stops kissing him for a moment, making eye contact, breathing heavy and running her hands across his collar bones and down his muscled arms and resting them on his hands and pushing them down to cup her ass. He groans, squeezes and starts kissing her neck. Her hands tangle in his hair, her head lolls back, she rubs against him and he inhales sharply before quickly swapping their positions.
He grabs her thighs and she winds them around his waist. Her breasts are heaving under his chin and her heart is pounding in her ears. Everything about him is hard; she pulls him even closer with her legs and rolls her hips.
Then he kisses her. But it's different this time. It's still passionate but it's softer and followed by a sweet chain of pecks. Then he pulls away and lets her down.
"Why did you stop?" she's confused. He was into her; she knew he was. She had felt the evidence that he was enjoying it.
"I didn't want to lose control, do something you'd regret later."
"I kissed you first," she points out. He rakes his fingers through his hair.
"Yes, and I can only pray that you won't regret that."
She crosses her arms.
"A month ago you asked if you loving me would make me stay."
"I did."
"If you love me then why did you stop?" She's getting upset. She's feeling rejected and exposed. Like she'd somehow read it all wrong.
"I stopped because I do love you Katara." He's brushing loose strands of her hair out of her face but not avoiding looking into her scared eyes. "You haven't made up your mind about me but I made mine up about you a long time ago. I don't want these actions to get in the way of your decision…"
"Then why did you kiss me back in the first place?"
And he smiles at her shyly, his hair is still a total mess and it's one of the sexiest things she's ever seen,
"Because if that was my only chance to kiss you then I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't do it."
She smiles slightly at him, arms still crossed but now in a more embarrassed fashion, "and every time after that?"
"I guess I wanted to make sure we'd both have something to remember."
She's been there for 10 weeks when Zuko decides to pop the question.
They're standing in the very place he was coronated overlooking the spot he took lightening for her.
He asks the guards to leave them for a while.
He's fidgety and nervous but covers it well, the years in politics have taught him that. The ring box and hair pin are weighing down a secret pocket in his robes.
They're talking, reminiscing. It isn't as chatty as normal. She starts tearing up and folds herself under his arm, placing a hand where his lightening scar is and looked up at him.
"You saved my life Zuko, I don't know if I can ever repay you for that."
He's about to awkwardly suggest she could start by spending the rest of her life with him but one of his guards rounds the corner.
"I'm sorry to interrupt my Lord but… the Avatar has just arrived at the palace. He wishes to speak with Master Katara immediately.
Aang caught up with them in the Fire Nation. He and Katara are practically locked in a room all afternoon and through dinner.
When she walks into Zuko's office that night he knows that it's over between them… again, before they even had the chance to start. He'd shed his outer robes but the jewellery was still on his person, even though he wouldn't have asked that night even if she did end it with Aang.
"He needs me." She'd said like it explained everything. "And you two need to be on good terms for the sake of the world…" she trails off. She wants to say more but she can't.
He can fill in the blanks. She doesn't trust a sixteen year old to be able to separate private life with politics. Or perhaps it isn't his age but simply his nature. Either way, Aang was the Avatar. It was imperative to the peace that he remain if not positive then neutral to all the nations. She motions like she's going to reach out to the young leader but stops herself and looks pained.
Zuko doesn't say anything. A tear rolls down her cheek and she gets up off the love seat she sat beside him on. She walks for the door, stopping halfway and turning to him, voice barely above a whisper and choked up with tears.
"I'm sorry Zuko."
There is the distinct sound of the door closing.
He extinguishes the flames in the room, buries his head in his hands and cries. The hair pin is digs painfully into his chest.
They leave on Appa the first thing the next morning. He clears his morning schedule and sits by the turtleduck pond alone watching the water ripple and pucker. He wonders why the rain is only falling on his face.
He runs his fingers across the smooth surfaces of the pin and holds the ring in his palm. It's been years now that the jewellery had taken up residence in his draw. He'd met and begun courting Ezme a few months after Katara chose Aang. There had been so much pressure from the court and he really liked Ezme… so he proposed marriage and she said yes.
She tried to suggest a date and he would push it back, further and further until it came to the present moment and he ran out of excuses.
He was 23 now. The Fire Nation was stabilising. There had been a minor scare, an attempt on his life that was covered from public knowledge, and it was once again paramount that he had an heir. So he was getting married.
It was the night before what was being dubbed, "The wedding of the era". He closed his fist around the ring. He saw the little blue eyed fire princes and princesses that he could've filled the cold palace halls with. He saw her smile. He heard her laugh. He felt hot tears run down his cheeks and clenched his jaw. The ring dug into his skin painfully, the facets in the stone imprinting on his skin.
He thought of Ezme and how unfair it would be to her if he didn't give it a real shot. He knew he could love her… he had been holding himself back from it for so long. She'd be very easy to love. Kind, vibrant and beautiful. She was a lot like Katara in many ways.
The only problem was that she wasn't Katara.
He closed his eyes and saw blue.
He loosened his grip on the ring and placed it back in its box and let it shut with an unsatisfying thud. He put it all back in the draw and covered it over with his mother's book. He closed and locked the draw and readies himself for bed.
He lay on his back and stared at the ceiling. His heart ached but he is a leader.
He doesn't have the luxury of being selfish.
…He thought once more of the tapestry in his mind depicting each wonderful phase of what could've been their future, images that he'd wrapped himself in and comforted himself with, then he let it unravel.
A/N They may not end up together but I feel like these two deserved to have something steamy to remember. They are both far too moralistic to cheat and betray their partners (If Aang ever found out about this then there would definitely be a Ross "WE WERE ON A BREAK" moment). It breaks my little fangirl heart to keep these two apart but this way we can still comply with LoK (maybe).
Let me know what you think! I hope where-ever in the world you are you're having a good day/night x