Chapter 5

My dearest Andy

First I'd like to apologize for what happened, I would never knowingly hurt you.

I'm also sorry for writing this the way I have but by the end I hope you will understand.

I'm going to start by apologizing in advance for leaving. I don't want you to hear it from the rumor mill so I'm sorry about telling you like this.

I figured that this was the best way to say good-bye & say a few other things because I know you don't speak french.

I needed to say good-bye & the other things & this is the way I thought of doing just that without you ever really knowing what I have to say but knowing that I finally said them.

I have taken a transfer out of the fifteenth solely because I can't do this anymore. I am falling apart seeing you with Callaghan & think it would be best if I left, best for you, for me & for you & Luke.

There are so many things I've said & done that I regret & other things I wish I had said & done but in a way I would not change much of it to be any different from how it was.

The day you were shot my heart stopped. When I took you behind the communications truck I had to see for myself that you were alive, that you were breathing & that your heart was still beating.

Noelle saw us & later told me I should get my act together because everyone could see the obvious between us from my side anyway, except me & you.

Hearing her words out loud & feeling the panic set in when I thought you had been hurt or worse that you had died & I was not there was the final piece of the puzzle as realization set in. A realization that I never expected & I didn't know how to handle.

It confused me & scared me but it was the most intoxicating feeling I have ever felt. It was like I caught sight of what it would be like to be in heaven. Like being in the garden of eden.

At the Penny that night I thought you had seen what Noelle had seen & that you had come to gloat over being the only person to walk the face of the earth that had the total power to completely destroy me in the palm of their hand & knew it. Knowing that you had the power to tear me to pieces & that you were getting a kick out of possessing that knowledge.

That thought was fueled by the knowledge that Callaghan had the one thing in the world that I would do anything to have & hold as my own. That he had the one thing that I would willingly kill for without a second thought even if it ment killing him.

He has that one thing that I want & he treats it like another notch on his bedpost. Sorry that may sound cruel but I think deep down inside you know it's true.

That all rolled up with the alcohol I broke & I'm sorry that you bore the worst of my little self destruction session, it will be something I will regret for the rest of my life, something I will never forgive myself for.

I would never knowingly hurt you ever But I did & that is part of the reason I'm leaving.

That & the fact that I'm hopelessly totally & utterly head over heels in love with you even though I know it's wrong & that you are not mine to love. It's like the right kind of wrong.

I can not stand by & watch you in your perfect happy little world with Callaghan & survive. I can't be the good guy anymore & push you towards your own happiness when the two of you hit a bump in the road when all I want is to be the guy that takes you & holds you close never letting you go.

Your choice is to be with him & my choice is to let you have the happiness you so rightly deserve.

I'm going to miss your smile & your laugh, I'll miss the way you bite on your lip or play with your hair when you're nervous. That little giggle you give when trying to hold out on laughing- I'll miss that too!
I will even miss your allergy to silence.
I am going to miss you.

I know this is for the best so I hope that one day you will understand that.
I left a little something in your locker for you for your birthday. I hope you will like it, I saw it & you sprang to mind so anyway it's in there. But no opening it until then!

Love Always
Sam Xxx

Andy blinked away the tears now streaming down her cheeks not caring that she was drawing worrisome looks & concerned murmurs.

Noelle approached Andy with caution not wanting to startle the obviously clearly upset youngster. Gliding in next to Andy she gently placed a hand on her shoulder & leaned in "Hey McNally, you ok?" She asked very much in a motherly tone.

Jumping by the sudden contact Andy spun her chair around to look at Noelle & whispered "No" before wiping more tears away.
Motioning for Noelle to move closer she pointed to the screen as Noelle took a closer step & focused her attention on the words.

Noelle drew in a deep ragged breath as she covered her mouth with her hand. Tears soon began forming in her own eyes at the words that now began to swim in tear filled eyes.

"He's gone" Andy whispered before putting her head in her hands & allowing sobs to take over.

Noelle still wiping tears away leaned down beside Andy & stroked her hair in behind her ear, before pulling her in to a hug.

"You know you can't ask me where he is coz I kinda can't tell you he's at home packing.I can't say that Boyd will pick him up from his house at 20-30pm tonight coz that would be divulging information I'm not supposed to don't ask me coz I can't tell you anything"

Andy tensed at hearing Noelle's words. She nodded in silent understanding as she gave her a tight hug & pulled away whispering a very grateful "Thank-you" before jumping to her feet grabbing her bag & phone & running out the front door leaving Noelle watching her with the most spectacular smile gracing her face.

Andy literally ran the three blocks to Sam's house knowing it was already after 20-00pm & she had to hurry if she was to find Sam before Boyd arrived.

Reaching his house she ran up the front stairs & crossed the deck to knock on Sam's front only seconds she knocked again.

"Sam" she yelled throwing it in for good measure in case her knocking was not loud enough."You better still be here Sam Swarek" she yelled pounding louder.

Hearing movement behind her Andy spun around to look straight in to the cold icy blue eyes of Donovan Boyd.

"You" she said coming face to face with the man she probably detested most in the universe.

Sam heard the running footsteps then the pounding before he heard her voice."Shit" he said running a hand through his hair as he stood silently hiding in the hallway. What the hell was she doing here & now? Hadn't she gotten his mail? It should have kept her busy while he slipped away. That was the was no way she could have translated it. Was there?

"McNally" Boyd greeted looking her up & down with an amused smile on his lips.

"Where is he?" she said approaching him with anxiety written all over her face.

"Probably on the other side of that door McNally" Boyd said sarcastically.

"Keys!" She growled holding out her hand.

"What?"

"Sam's house keys now Boyd. Hand them over. I know you have a set you watch his house when he does your dirty work. Give them to me now" she demanded standing her ground.

"I don't think..."

"I wasn't asking Boyd!" she cut him off

Seeing her for the first time with confidence & determination written on her face he looked at her for a moment cocking his head to the side."Ten minutes, then we're leaving" Boyd said slamming the keys into her hand after seeing this was a battle he would not win.

Opening the door Andy called out sam's name again hesitantly stepping inside.

"I know you're here" she followed.

Walking into the kitchen she found him leaning against the counter, a beer in hand.