Author's Note: You have no one to blame but yourselves. A high fraction of reviewers asked for a continuation. This is normal, and I normally ignore such requests unless I have more story to tell. When I wrote the first chapter of this abomination, I had no more story to tell. But then Slytherin66 gave me a few ideas via PM. Yes, this means that Slytherin66 is to some degree the father of this atrocity. Please direct all vituperation and vomit his way.
Despite my best efforts, some semblance of a plot has crept in. Fear not. The plot, such as it is, is pointless, banal, and stupid. And this chapter is at least as disgusting as its predecessor and I've managed to avoid any semblance of character growth. Literary merit? Yah, right.
Chapter 2: You Can't Keep a Good Story Down. Or this One, Either
Draco and his former bodyguards crawled past quietly before the Yule Ball. Most likely they were heading for the kitchens to get their supper. Nobody wanted them at the Ball. Nobody wanted them anywhere, but Dumbledore kept them in the school until someone had a better idea of what to do with them. Harri didn't pay them much mind. She, and everyone, had gotten used to their new appearance. Actually, appearance aside, they were much easier to deal with than they had been. Not a nasty word passed Draco's lips. Nothing passed Draco's lips. Not going out, anyway.
Harri lined up with the other champions and their dates. With her date. She couldn't believe she had a date. A boy date.
The only good news was that she was not the smallest person in the lineup. Her date was a quarter inch shorter and almost as thin. On the down side, her date had a slightly more feminine face than she did. Looking down at her un-bounteous chest and snake hips, she grumped that he would have looked better in this gown, too. On the up side, he looked actually quite cute in Harri's – Harry's – never-worn dress robes.
Them getting together was kind of a surprise. Well, they weren't really together, this was just a practical arrangement so he could attend the ball and she wouldn't get the year-long detention that bitch McGonagall had threatened.
Oh, who was she kidding? They were together.
As the four couples promenaded out into the Great Hall in front of hundreds of eyes, the only gasps of surprise were for how nicely Hermione had cleaned up. Colin being at Harri's side was no surprise at all. How could it be? Every Gryffindor had seen her vitriolic verbal venting at him in the common room, for stalking her even after the change. And everyone had seen the fierce kiss when her body surprised her and overrode her anger. That had led to panic and a quick departure when she realized what she was doing, followed by scrubbing out her mouth, followed by an awkward apology to the doubly-assaulted boy, followed by another labial assault, followed by another disorderly retreat, followed by …
When she stopped to think about it, Harri hated herself. When she wasn't thinking about it, she found herself lip-locked with the boy. And male instincts were strong in the just-turned-fourteen boy and his ancestors must have mated with an octopus because his hands were everywhere. And when she noticed that she liked that, Harri hated herself again and got depressed and then she stopped paying attention to what she was doing and then she found herself embracing Colin again.
It took a while, between the yelling and the smooching and the running away, but finally Colin managed to tell Harri why he'd been chasing around after her. An older student had a business proposal. "You and Delacour re-enact your fight in the Great Hall. We'll film it and sell copies to middle-aged wizards. We'll get rich! There's big money in porn, even soft-core porn. And girl-on-girl stuff? Money in the bank."
Harri was disgusted. "You realize I'm fourteen, right? And I look like I'm twelve?"
"Oh, right! That's even better. We sell limited-edition copies to a more, ah, discerning customer base. We'll make so much money our grandchildren will never be poor!"
That boy would never have poor grandchildren. His bits were in a jar in Harri's trunk, properly preserved to keep them fresh and horrifying. Who said she never learned anything in Potions?
Dinner before the Yule Dance was a challenge. A wet, annoying challenge. Prissy Princess, taking an opportunity to improve her last-place standing, turned on the charm with the male judges. Her Veela allure was turned up to 11 and she toyed with her calamari in a most unprofessional manner. Or maybe it was a professional manner. There were all those rumors about how Veela normally supported themselves. Maybe Prissy Princess was just practicing for her professional debut. As may be, every male at the table was drooling buckets. Even the headmaster. It was the most disturbing thing Harri had ever seen, a thousand-year-old man getting all stupid and dropping his silverware so he could get a look up Delacour's dress.
Harri was wearing a dress. A knee-length dress, to make dancing easier. She kicked out when Dumbledore's head was under the table. His perving was cut down by half when his eye turned purple and swelled shut. Pomfrey refused to fix it after Cho whispered in her ear.
During the dance, Harri and Colin's inexperience was shown in the way they kept tripping over each other. Colin had to pull their pelvises together hard one time. This kept them from falling but got them ejected from the Grand Hall with detentions for "conduct unbecoming". Conduct unbecoming of teenagers living in a co-ed boarding school with a student:teacher ratio of 30:1? McGonagall's hormones must have dried up so long ago she couldn't even remember what it was like to have them.
Outside was more pleasant than the noisy crush. Warming charms had awakened flowers four months early. Insects were also awakened. Colin flicked a beetle off of Harri's shoulder. The beetle went right into Snape's mouth when he popped out from behind a bush, doubtlessly to take points from Gryffindor. Two seconds later, Snape's head was ripped apart and Rita Skeeter appeared out of nowhere, cut in half.
Colin was traumatized. Not Harri. She'd burned a man to death with her (his) bare hands when she (he) was eleven. Her only regret was that she'd picked the wrong date in the Weasley twins' "When Will Snape Get What's Coming to Him?" pool. She'd missed out on over two hundred galleons in prize money! That made her sad.
...ooo000ooo...
Draco Malfoy had managed to get on Harri's bad side in the weeks before the Yule Ball. That is, get more on Harri's bad side. That is, not tiptoe around her when she was cranky.
"So, Potter, if you get yourself cleaned up and use a few glamours, you'll be almost acceptable to accompany me to the ball. I'll handle talking to the ministry representatives and other important people, as befits a wizard of my station. You'll need to learn to keep quiet and to walk one step behind me, but you can be trained in the time we have."
"Behind you, Malfoy? There's no room, with Crabbe and Goyle staying snug into you all the time."
Malfoy turned red – well, a washed-out pink – with anger. A minute later, after they figured it out, Crabbe and Goyle were angry, too. Either that or hungry, or maybe constipated. It was hard to tell with them. "Potter, you're about to find out what happens to little girls with big mouths."
Harri had not grown up as a girl, so she had not learned the common wisdom that it is not safe for girls to go out by themselves.
Of course, in the non-magical world the reason for this is that girls are smaller and weaker and subject to abuse by men and boys.
Witches with a wand in hand are just as capable of defending themselves, or attacking, as wizards. Witches were often victimized, but only because they had been trained to be victims.
And even the Dursleys had not managed to train Harry to be a victim. And Harri was more than "just as capable". And Harri's temper had been on a low boil from the past month's nonsense. And Harri's temper was on a high boil today because her female body was acting up.
"Malfoy, everyone's tired of having to take your shit. It's time for you to take someone else's shit."
...ooo000ooo...
The class of lower-year students who first saw the three Slytherins was frightened by the strange monster crawling through the hallway. Nearby teachers were called to drive it into an empty classroom and then Hagrid was brought in to identify it. "I've never seen th' like. Some sort o' human centipede, I think."
It took two more days to match up the missing students and the monster that they had put in a pen. Draco, in the back, had lost a lot of weight. Poor diet, maybe.
...ooo000ooo...
The talk had been both frightening and enlightening. It wasn't just a talk. The Talk. Harri and Colin had been found, half-clothed, shortly after classes resumed. Neither of them had a clue what they were doing but they were well on the way to figuring it out.
Sirius had bagged, claiming lack of appropriate knowledge, the inappropriateness of an extremely studly man talking with a young girl, and a very overdue dental appointment. Pomfrey had bagged, claiming she had no materials to give a boy-turned-girl and that it wasn't her job, anyway. McGonagall of course didn't tell Harry anything. In fact, she expressly forbade Hermione from telling Harry anything, saying that some secrets of womanhood are not to be discussed with men or boys, ever. When Harry pointed out that she was a girl and had been for over two months and probably would be for the rest of her life, McGonagall gave her a detention for arguing with a teacher. McGonagall really needed to pull the stick out of her ass. Or put one in. Whatever worked.
Faced with an urgent need for information and being blocked at every turn, Harry turned to one of the few girls who didn't treat her strangely. Or no more strangely than she treated everyone else. Luna Lovegood might act like an airhead, but she sure knew her stuff. Harri learned not only the basics of hygiene and what went where but important tidbits like, "Your first time, don't choose a partner who's too big. If he's big he'll rip you apart." No problems there. Harri was lucky that her boyfriend was no taller than she was.
Luna told Harri other things Harry might never have found out. Things like the usefulness of burning certain leaves to put a partner in the mood. And how doing a headstand for twenty minutes after sex was better than any contraceptive charm. And how alcohol should be avoided during pregnancy but LSD was harmless. ("My mother swore by it.")
Things like, the woman's role in a stable relationship is to lead the man by the penis wherever she wanted him to go. And if that didn't work, just shift her grip and drag him by the balls.
And Luna had day-to-day practical tips, too. Harri was unable to obtain the supplies she now needed. Luna had brought some but they all went missing early in the school year. No problem! Roommate's socks, if thoroughly laundered, worked just fine. And it wasn't like you were stealing them, if you gave them back when you were done with them. Under their pillows was good, so they wouldn't be missed.
...ooo000ooo...
On the morning of the second task, Harri was up early, looking for Colin. This was another Luna tip: When you're feeling cranky and crampy every month, find your boyfriend and scream at him until you feel better. But the little bastard was nowhere to be found. Oh, how he'd pay for that.
Eventually making it down to the lake, Harri was just in time to learn that Colin was hidden down there somewhere and she had to get him back. She'd figured out the secret of the golden egg by accident a few weeks ago. Yet another Luna tip: not many people like water sports, but you should try it to see if you do. Harri and Colin had thrown water balloons at each other and even splashed around in a big tub of water. It wasn't distasteful, just pointless, though Harri made a note to try it again when she had more of a figure for her clothes to cling to. Regardless, the stupid egg had rolled into the water and after that it was easy to figure out.
Harri had planned on boycotting this task, as the binding magical contract was no longer in force. But it was different with Colin under the water. She had to get him back! Who would she scream at without him?
Harri couldn't go get Colin herself. According to Luna, if you took a bath or went swimming during that time, it set up a chain reaction and you could bleed to death.
Glancing at Prissy Princess, Harri remembered the calamari trick at the Yule Ball. And she thought of the Giant Squid. And she thought of a transfiguration Luna had told her about. (Luna was amazing! Harri would have to think of some really nice way to thank her.) And she looked at Prissy Princess again.
When the task started, the other three jumped into the water, charms and transfigurations showing their strategies. Harri just slapped her hand on the water a few times and yelled, "Hey, Giant Squid! I've got a job for you. Really good pay, easy work!" When the sea monster came close, Harri explained her offer. The squid's eyes popped wide and then it was off like a shot.
In just minutes all four hostages were carefully placed on the dock and the squid was eagerly waving all eight arms and two tentacles at Harri. Ten transfigurations later and the tentacle monster was off again.
The one-hour deadline came. The deadline went. The other three champions didn't come, but the Giant Tentacle Monster did, many times. It – no, he, multiply and gigantically he – waved the three in the air near the dock. The judges all went down to investigate, then they were all dragged into the water. Harri kept well back. No sense in tempting the monster.
After another hour, the three champions and the five judges were tossed onto the dock. All were badly disheveled and of them all, only Dumbledore wasn't horrified and weeping. Maybe he viewed it as an important introduction to a new species. Maybe.
...ooo000ooo...
A boom signified the start of the third task. The other three champions, replacements for the disabled original three, had been allowed to start at the same time as Harri because of the confusion of the second task. No clear winner was identifiable, except for Harri, and she was being punished because the squid had managed to get some.
The way Harri saw it, she was being punished by being forced to compete in the third task at all. No more binding magical contract, no more competitors, no more judges. What did they want from her? Obviously more danger and more entertainment for the masses. Obviously, dumping on her was the best way to get that.
Well, she wasn't going to let them get away with dumping on her.
As the other three champions took off running, Harri conjured a series of large, thin metal disks and arranged them in a ring around her. She then cast a silence spell on herself.
She would have warned Colin what was about to happen. But she was annoyed with him this evening. That didn't go there!
With a grin of pure mischief, Harri cast her last spell of the evening. All of the disks started vibrating at the exact same frequency: 92 cents below the lowest octave of E-flat.
With a mass groan, all of the spectators shit themselves at the same time. Minister of Magic Fudge – and if that name wasn't a harbinger of doom, then Harri had never taken a Divination class – was a politician. He was full of shit. Once it had all left his body, there wasn't enough body left to sustain life. "Oh my God, she killed Corny!" someone yelled. "You bastard!"
The Brown Noise, a dreadful secret found in the Black Library — or should that be the Brown Library? — had been used over the centuries to discredit opponents in political debates and to win duels. This was the first time it had been broadcast over the Wizarding Wireless Network. Sirius was impressed that Harri had managed to make all of Wizarding Britain shit themselves at the same time.
Except for Harri herself. She'd protected herself from the Brown Noise. She'd put up shields to keep away any splatter. She'd gotten away with it clean.
Then the smell hit.