TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM MENTION AND RECOLLECTION LOCATED IN THE MIDDLE OF CHAPTER

WARNING: SOFTBOY BEN HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

She had closed her eyes once she touched Ben's hands and she opened them again a second later to find herself standing in a vast living room furnished in luxurious, plush furniture with a vast balcony over looking the grounds she turned to see that Ben was with her and he was staring at the entrance door, expectantly.

As if on cue there was high pitch gurgling laughter that ran into the room in the shape of a 2 or 3 year old boy with black short hair, big rounded ears that was being chased by a laughing Chewbacca. Chewbacca easily caught up to the laughing toddler and scooped him up and easily placed him over his shoulders, this made the toddler laugh even more.

"Chewy did you catch my little bandit?" asked a much younger version of Han Solo, this younger version of him still had the glint of mischief in his sparkly blue eyes, his tossed hair didn't carry any visible graying that Rey had met him with.

He walked up to Chewbacca and smiled widely at the sight of his son carrying a small chain of golden dices, and in his other hand he had a toy model X wing.

"Hey Ben the Bandit, did you take something from the ship?" Han asked toddler as Ben smiled widely, dimpling, his big almond shaped eyes opened wide and continued to laugh.

He thrusted the dice towards his dad, "This!" she sang "I want to fly!" he shouted as he struggled to get off Chewbacca. Han grabbed him and placed him down, "Lets go find your mother and see if we can all go fly," said Han as he grabbed his son's hand and walked away.

Rey looked next to her to see Ben looking away from the retreating figures of his father and his younger self.

The colors blended in together and the scene melted away they were standing in a blank space until the next scene displayed itself right away.

This time it was an office that appeared before them. It was one of the biggest offices Rey had ever seen in her life. It could've easily been the size of 5 huts put together. The furnishings were all fine oak with vast bookshelves all across the walls. The door opened right away and in came in two people, a younger, regal looking Leia with long hair styled beautifully in braids, holding her hand was a slightly older Ben who couldn't be older than 7 years old.

They reached the desk and Leia carried Ben to her desk and she took a seat in her chair.

Ben wasn't making eye contact with his mom and kept looking at his shoes

"Am I in trouble?" he murmured, his wide eyes looking at his mother

Leia smiled at her son, gently, "Why would you think you're in trouble, Ben?"

Ben shrugged, "You looked mad when the statue fell, I don't know how it happened," he looked down at his shoes.

Leia tugged his chin upwards, "My beautiful boy I wasn't upset at all. I was surprised! I didn't know you could do that, that's all." Leia clarified as she started finger combing his soft wavy jet black hair.

"Can you do it mom?" Ben asked curiously

Leia looked thoughtful as she considered answering her son's question, she raised her arm and removed one of her bangle bracelets that she was wearing.

She placed it next to where Ben was sitting, he was watching her closely with curious eyes.

Leia raised her hand and the shiny bracelet started levitating. Leia watched her sons reactions; his eyes widened and kept looking from the bracelet to her mom and was mouthing the word 'wow,' Leia smiled at him and brought the bracelet back to the desk.

"You want to try?" Leia asked her son, he nodded eagerly.

"Okay Ben, close your eyes, inside of here—she pointed to his small chest—theres this powerful energy that exists in everything and it lives inside you too. Now, feel that energy and focus on levitating the bracelet, raise your hand to the bracelet" she instructed, Ben lifted his small hand towards the bracelet, and closed his eyes. Leia kept her eyes closed, her hand on his shoulder as if she was feeling what he was feeling.

The bracelet immediately rose from the table and hovered right in front of him. Leia opened her eyes and smiled widely as she saw his surprised reaction. He put his hand down, the bracelet followed until it laid flat on the table, he grabbed it and inspected it closely.

"Can dad do this too?" Leia shook her head, "No, but your dad and Chewy are really good at piloting!"

"I got this from you?" he asked, still holding his moms bracelet.

"Yes, you did." Ben reached out to hug his mom.

As Leia hugged her son, Rey was able to see the look of worry she was hiding from her son.

Rey looked at adult Ben as the scene dissolved.

"My first lesson in the force," murmured Ben.

Rey didn't get to respond to him at the next memory took form.

They were in a long carpeted hallway in a second floor, Rey saw the stair landing and down that hall there sat a much older Ben leaning against a door, levitating the same golden dice from the earlier memory.

Before they reached him they could hear two people arguing from the other side of the door.

"So he's a good pilot! How's that concerning?" Rey recognized the voice of Leia

She looked at the younger Ben, he was still looking up at the levitated dice.

"It's not like that, he's too good. It really freaks out the other students," came the gruff voice of Han Solo.

"Han that's not fair! My father was a pilot, you're a pilot! Some things you're born with," defended Leia

"Leia, he definitely shows skill of a person double his age, it's just extremely off. I've had students of other pilots and their skill develops over time but this, this is different. I try really hard to cheer him up cause the students are intimidated by him, Leia he's lonely." Han's voice sounded really tired, she heard a chair move she assumed someone was taking a seat.

"What do you want me to do, Han? I can't tell him to scale back, if he's good at something then good on him," scoffed Leia

"Leia, it has nothing to do with his incredible advanced skill, it's with the fact that he's by himself a lot," said Han, concerned.

"He's force sensitive. He's really strong with the force and it can be intimidating for some," explained Leia.

"I'm pretty sure he's not the only one. Can't you talk to Luke and see if he knows of other kids that he could hang out with? I mean he's a teenager for the love of god he should be out with some buddies!" said Han, frustrated.

Rey looked at teenage Ben, she could definitely see his prominent Adam's apple she could still see some of his baby fat on his cheeks and he was definitely taller. He may be sitting but she could definitely tell that he might've already had a growth spurt.

"I'll contact Luke," sighed Leia.

At this teenage Ben looked thoughtful, he slowly stood up and just like Rey had assumed he was very tall. He grabbed the dice and tucked it inside his pocket and made his way towards the staircase down the hall.

The scene dissolved once again and quickly they were outside on the patio. It was raining and Han and Leia were outside under a tree and they were watching Ben who was standing in the middle of the courtyard, face tilted towards the rain. He still looked the same as he did since the last memory. He was slim with broad shoulders, his hair hanged long and limp. He moved his hair from his face and tucked it behind his rounded ears.

He raised his hands towards the rain and kept his eyes closed in concentration. The rain that was falling directly onto him had stopped. It was as if he had summoned a protection shield. He opened his eyes and saw that he had succeeded and smiled widely, dimpling, how is it that Rey never noticed that Ben had dimples?

He looked around and noticed that his parents were watching him. Leia waved at him, smiling as to congratulate him for his achievement, Han next to her gave him a smirk.

Teenage Ben turned around and made his way towards the house.

"Is that supposed to be normal?" said Han, looking down at Leia, she glared up at him.

What Han didn't notice was that teenage Ben had heard what he had said, the smile disappeared replaced by a frown, he continued to walk straight ahead…

The scene once again dissolved….

There was something different about the way the next memory appeared, there wasn't a lot detail of the surroundings. She heard shouting before she was able to identify where she was, she couldn't make out what was being said, she looked around and found a slightly older Ben sitting on his bed, the moonlight streaming in through the window highlighting the more angular facial features of Ben.

He was staring down at his pale arm, completely transfixed by the green vein as he tilted his wrist for closer examination.

"You're not supposed to be seeing this," came the voice of present day Ben. She tore her eyes from the younger version of him and looked over at him.

He looked completely shocked there was a wild look inches eyes that made him look like he was a caged animal looking for an exit

"Ben?" she looked back at the younger Ben and saw him pull out a pocket knife from his pocket. He flipped the handle expertly as the blade slid in place.

She glanced over at the older Ben, questioning what she was seeing but she only saw him shaking his head frantically, eyes closed.

The younger Ben was staring at the point of the blade with intense curiosity, he stretched out the same arm he was inspecting earlier, knife hovering over his prominent vein.

It didn't take long for Rey to understand his intentions, she felt a heaviness on her chest that came with the realization.

"Why?" she asked, she didn't dare take her eyes away from the younger version, slowly lowering the blade to his smooth alabaster skin.

"You're not supposed to see this!"

She felt like she was kicked in the chest by a massive boulder as she felt herself get sucked out by a vacuum, the image of young Ben skimming his skin the flat edge of the knife, tears falling to his arm…

"Ben, dont!" she cried to the boy, wanting to reach out and take the blade away from this beautiful boy.

The image of his bedroom had quickly faded away, she opened her eyes in time to see present day Ben grab his saber and run away from the hut.

"Ben!"

Why had that happened?! Everything was going so well, he didn't want to show Rey impactful parts of his life randomly. He wanted to show her things as they started happening through out his younger life. It was all going to be chronological order so she could see where things started going wrong. How the whispering, snide comments, closed door conversations about him had happened without much regard if he could hear how cruel his parents could be even if they claimed they were having a conversation about how to help him, it was still cruel how they went about it.

The stolen memory that was played was one that he would never had shown her, or even mention. It had happened that one time, it took only one time where he considered hurting himself in that way. He was curious to know if by harming himself it would relief some of the pain he felt on the daily basis. To see the bright red color contrast his pale alabaster skin…But the idea of having physical proof of his struggles on his skin was something he didn't want others to see or judge so no, in the end he couldn't do it.

He didn't know where he was running towards to but he was craving destruction. He had his lightsaber in hand already activated and he was running the fastest he's ran in years. The only place he could picture in his head was the jedi library that looked like someone had tried to burn it down, but had failed. Well, he would go right ahead and give it his damn best shot. He was standing in front of the tree and started slashing it, both hands on the hilt of his lightsaber and completely unleashing all of his anger, frustration onto every stroke and stab. He was supposed to be in control of his life now, he had killed Snoke to regain control of his own decisions. Oh how that overgrown worm would laugh at him now…

"Ben."

He didn't even bother attacking the tree when he heard his name being called.

"Don't come near me, Skywalker," he wanted to be alone, he didn't want to be bothered especially by him.

"What're you doing?" he rolled his eyes at the idiotic question.

"I"m kriffing decorating this freaking library," he answered sarcastically, not wanting to turn around and see that smug face.

"Nice lightsaber red is such an appealing color," his voice sounded a lot closer.

"Yeah, just like the one you had, Darth Vader, or did you forget about that?"

"I haven't forgotten my sins."

"Your sins go much deeper than you think, grandfather,"

At this Ben turned around to face Anakin, the face that he's seen so frequently lately whom he still had a million of questions for, and he was going to answer every single one of them…

"You know I spoke to your helm, I prayed for your guidance, I needed you," he deactivated his lightsaber, he took a step loser to the force ghost of Anakin.

"Ben, I couldn't get through," he couldn't even look at him in the face.

Ben barked a laugh, "Oh! was there a busy signal for the past 29 years?"

'There was always a darkness that wouldn't allow me through. Ben, you know that Darth Vader couldn't communicate with you. I died as Anakin Skywalker, and Ben I did try…"

"Liar!"

'See through your rage! Snoke had you manipulated so thoroughly…"

"I killed Snoke! Just like I killed Han Solo! Don't worry grandfather I'm aware of the horrible things I've done!"

"Ben, we know that you didn't want to kill your father—"

"It doesn't matter if I wanted to or not, the point is I killed him and there's nothing I could do to bring him back. His death was for nothing… " he spat—remembering the pain he had felt once he had nudged his fathers body over the bridge, the echo of emptiness that was quickly replaced with the actual pain of Chewbaccas near lethal shot to his abdomen.

"It's obvious that you loved your parents, Ben. You had the opportunity to get rid of Leia and you didn't," there was something patronizing about Anakin's tone that really set Ben over the edge, as if he knew all the intimate details of his relationship with his parents

"Leia, your lovely daughter. The woman that had droids look after me which nearly decapitated me, and who hid my parentage for her own political advancement. Mother of the year, must've inherited from her father," he said slyly, he had kept his distance from Anakin, but as he remembered that this fragment of a man was the one responsible for so much, he needed to see his face when he asked his questions

"Tell me, Anakin, how is it possible that you knew Leia Organa and you didn't know she was your daughter, honestly, how'd you do it? If I'm not mistaken you knew her before you met farm boy —Anakin was glaring at Ben but didn't say anything—"didn't you blow up her planet? That's quite a gift to give to your baby girl," he taunted, he saw a flash in Anakins eyes that reminded Ben he was a former Sith Lord, he smirked widely at him.

Luke had given Ben had told some stories about Darth Vader once it the fact had been exploited all around the Senate. He knew that the only reason Skywalker had agreed to divulge any type of information regarding his grandfather was to get him to speak to him after days of silence. He didn't know too much of his grandfather but from what he has been able to see and the stories he had been told, he had been disappointed in a figure he had once prayed to.

"I was so deep and committed to the dark side of the force, and Palpatine said they died with Padme," he murmured, not looking him in the face

"Yes, Skywalker, you also have murdered someone you love," Ben was positive that if his grandfather was flesh and bone he would've rightfully thrown him a punch, or force choked him a la Vader. It was irritating him that Anakin wasn't shouting at him or defending himself at all, he was aching for a good shouting match but the former Sith just stood there, silently, eyes on him.

He activated his lightsaber and stepped a few steps back and lowered the saber right next to his face watching the red light reflect across Anakin's face.

"Shame I never got to meet my darling grandmother, she seemed to be quite an impressive woman," he said, silkily, keeping his eyes on Anakin's face.

He knew all about his grandmothers professional accomplishments; a Senator, Queen and a respected member within the Senate. She was regarded with high esteem back in Naboo, was considered a beautiful woman with nerves of steel. It gave him the desired effect, at the mention of his grandmother Anakin openly glared at him, fist clenched. Ben kept his lightsaber trained on his grandfathers neck. Ben can clearly see the bloodlust in his grandfathers eyes and he clearly didn't care. He will continue to push this other neglectful family member until he finally spoke the truth.

"Don't talk about her," spat Anakin, his body shaking with fury

"She must've been quite the rebel herself, and she broke all the rules. For you. What a disappointment, " he smiled widely at him.

"Ben enough!" came another voice he had become familiar with, Obi Wan Kenobi

Ben narrowed his eyes to the newcomer, "What do you want?" he growled at him. He had so many more things to spit at Anakin he didn't want this interruption.

"Why are you doing this?" the older man asked

The bubble of fury that was threatening of overwhelming him had increased two fold to this mans question. Why was he doing this? As if he wasn't aware where he had come from and what he had to endure. Aren't all force ghost privy to all of this? Don't they see everything as a bystanders and never interfere? Even when they can see that their loved ones are struggling, and they still don't interfere. But now? Now they decide to give a damn…

"Don't Kenobi, I know who you are!" he was made well aware that this man was the one to take Han, and Luke to help rescue Leia. This man was the one responsible for introducing the love affair of Han and Leia, and he wasn't grateful to this man at all.

"Don't deflect! We saw what happened to you and Rey earlier today," he responded calmly "I can see why this would upset you," Kenobi said, nodding at him

"Of course you bloody know! Now you tell me why it happened! Why?! This is the second time that my own private, personal memories get exposed without my permission! They're mine! I decide who and what I share!" he turned around, saber still activated as he resumed slashing the tree. He felt nothing but anger and wanted to unleash it by the only way he knows how to do it, by destruction. He started to feel the ache on his shoulders as the wide strokes he made weren't smooth but messy and bumping on some of the ridges he had previously made, he growled in frustration.

"Because I failed," Ben didn't even bother to stop his attack on the tree to acknowledge his grandfather.

"It's…it's this curse of the Skywalker bloodline," he heard him release a big breath "we have to keep the balance in the force."

This made his turn around to glare at his grandfather. He had heard enough about the bloody curse of the Skywalkers and their responsibility to the balance. He would choose his own path, regardless of bloodlines.

He stopped his attack on the tree, "That's not my problem," he spat.

"Yes it is, Ben! That power that you carry it comes from the power of the blood that runs through your veins! Regardless of how you may feel about the bloodline it doesn't matter! " this came from the man standing next to Anakin, Kenobi.

Ben was so fed up. He didn't have any expectations coming to Ach-To he might've been reluctant to agree to the training and bond teachings when he first arrived here. These were choices that he made, he wasn't pushed to them he wasn't bullied into them nor was he forced to. And now, what? His choices don't matter? The force will pick and choose what he does? Why? Why now?

"When you made the choice to use the dark side of the force the Cosmic Force had to find a way to balance it, to counter your power. That's where Rey comes in, she's as part of this as you are. You're both incredibly powerful and as you already know both of you are the ones to balance the force. That's why you have this Force bond, as Yoda told you both in that meeting you had with him, there has to be complete honesty, transparency, and most importantly, trust," said Kenobi, stepping closer to Ben as if to see if his temper had eased.

He clearly didn't know him.

"So you're telling me that the cosmic force is exposing my intimacy to build trust with Rey? Are you bloody kidding me? We don't even fight for the same side!" he took a few steps away from them. Ben knew the minute they had their bond in check and he wasn't a danger to her she would immediately rejoin the Resistance and Ben knew that he would never go with her. He may have abandoned the First Order but he had been abandoned by Leia Organa much earlier, and he wasn't going to go back crawling back to her. Ever.

"Ben," came the voice of Rey, he turned to see her arrive to the grassy area where they stood. "Please talk to me! I can feel all your anger through the bond," she pleaded as she walked towards him, her eyes looking like she had been crying since he left her back at the hut.

This was enough for Ben. He already had a trying time trying to understand what was going on with this whole cosmic force situation plus the things she's seen. He didn't want to explain anything to anyone.

He closed his eyes and located the bond, the texture reminded him of lava. He knew he couldn't destroy the bond but he didn't want any more of his intimacy shared so the only thing he could do to protect himself was to block it. He imagined a cement wall covering the thick thread, he didn't know how long it took him but he finally was able to block the bond.

As he opened his eyes, he took a step back and ignored the thrumming that had now taken residency in his head.

"No, I'm done talking."

He deactivated his saber and without looking back he ran away from the three figures.

AUTHORS NOTE: This chapter fought me every at every turn, every sentence, paragraph, everything. I'm sorry for the month hiatus but I really wanted to get this right and respect the topic as much as I could. And, well, real life got in the way. I'll definitely update within a week. For everyone that left this story any type of support, ily guys! xoxoxo Alexa