Chapter 9: Kim Confesses

The kiss on the roof, which was sweet and gentle and nothing like the kisses we shared before, was the only kiss she gave me in three weeks.

I spent every free hour of my day with her and/or Matty; we even had a whole new morning routine worked out but that was it. She didn't feel the need to grace me with another kiss and I didn't pressure her for more.

I cherished every moment I spent with her, learning so much about her I stopped counting at fact #176 (Kim hates scrambled eggs), but I become more obsessed with the kiss.

Not just the absolute perfection of her tongue, of feeling her soft chest against mine, of how her heart sped when I touched her face— but also the calm. The tranquility it gave me.

I started to worry after a few days of kiss-less goodbyes that maybe only I enjoyed it. And after a few weeks it became panic: maybe my breath stank? Maybe she didn't like me the way I liked her? Maybe I just wasn't good at it? I hadn't had much practice, but I was willing to learn if she just gave me a chance.

I couldn't say I didn't want more from the relationship, but I didn't take a moment I spent with her for granted. She was so special. Really it sounds lame, the word special, but it was the best word to describe her. She could really turn any situation around. She was a master of trickery and resourcefulness, she could be the toughest, no-nonsense negotiator but she was also outstandingly kind.

She really cared about people and every day I spent with her I realized why my duty to the tribe was important. I mean I knew before that it was important, sure, save people from bloodsuckers, but being with her was like drilling it into me. Every person had someone that relied on them, loved them—every human life was worth saving. I fought for every human, even her shit-for-brains mother because even after everything she put Kim through, Kim still loved her.

So I cherished every moment, resigning myself to the position she gave me: best friend. Our lives were now inextricably linked, our routine was air-tight and I lived by it.

Monday through Friday, I picked her and Matty up and dropped them off at school. Before class she would hang out with her two closest friends and I would stand with Paul listening to hear any mention of me. We would eat lunch together in my car, usually something my mother packed for us. After school on Tuesdays and Thursdays I would hang out with Matty until she got off of work, and Monday, Wednesday, Fridays, I would have at least four blissful hours in her presence before patrol. Sometimes she would let me hold her hand, and twice she crawled into bed and pulled me with her, allowing me to cradle her and inhale her scent until I was called and once forcibly pulled away by Paul who had been forbidden to bring up their past by Sam.

The weekends were the hardest, she worked full shifts on the weekend and my time with her was so short. I spent those days with Matty, we would watch movies, play soccer, visit my mom or Emily—or sometimes just talk. He didn't really have anyone to listen to him, so he would save it all up for our weekends together.

Today was a Thursday, my day to hang out with Matty until Kim finished her shift at Mr. Johnny's Fish Fry. We were in Port Angeles with my mother, who was determined to get Matty the perfect Joker costume for Halloween.

My mother who had tried for years to have another child after me, was marveling in her time with Matty and he seemed to enjoy their time together just as much as she did. When he told her he wasn't going to do anything special for Halloween she just about flipped. It's her favorite holiday and that equaled blasphemy in our home, which was decorated more thoroughly for Halloween than any of the other holidays combined.

"Well, little guy, I just don't think any of these places have a suitable Joker costume. Looks like we're going to have to make it ourselves," she said cheerfully. I suspected that that's what she wanted to do all along; she had always made my costumes growing up.

"So to the fabric store then?" I asked.

"Yeah, it shouldn't take too long to make. How's that sound?" She asked cheerily looking down at him. His face lit up at this and he squeezed my hand even tighter, looking up at me for some sort of reassurance. I winked and he skipped out the store matching my strides.

After all of this time Matty still needed reassurance, he was constantly polite, to the point of being almost too polite and whenever my mother offered him things no matter how much I knew he wanted it, he'd look to me to see if it was okay to accept.

I didn't understand why he did it, but it made me sad every time. I hoped that after time he would let us spoil him, but I was being patient. Just last week he became comfortable enough to start rambling, and that was a good and adorable sign that we were making progress.

"Do you think Kim will be okay with it?" My mother asked, looking at me pointedly. Although my mother was buddy-buddy with Matty she had yet to meet Kim, a point which she continued to mention every time she got a chance; like now.

"I'm sure she'll be fine with it," I said dryly.

"Well I should probably call your girlfriend to make sure, I don't want to step on anyone's toes," she said quickly

"Mom, she's at work and she's also not my girlfriend, okay? We're friends, seriously, absolutely nothing going on between us," it killed me to have to explain this again.

I had had to go through this whole spiel with Sam, Paul, Emily, Kim's mom Holly, my Dad, Crystal, Kim's friend Mandy, Sam's aunt the lunch lady, my geometry teacher, Mrs. Ateara… it was getting a little old, and it was definitely emasculating.

My mother gave me a sort of sad look and I apologized quickly. "Sorry, I'll bring her over when she's ready to meet you okay?"

"Kim likes you," Matty whispered only to me as I buckled him in. I smiled at him and ruffled his hair.

"No worries Buddy, we'll still be friends even if she doesn't like me," I assured him when I got in the passenger seat.

"She likes you! I heard her talking about it to Mindy," he said casually and my heart stopped.

"What'd she say?" I asked turning to face him.

"Mindy asked if you two were having sex and Kim said no, but she wished you were. So that must mean she likes you," Matty nodded his head seriously. I was frozen, my mouth so wide a mouse could have taken residency in there. My mother laughed so hard it hurt my sensitive ears.

"Well, there. You see, she does like you, so stop moping and bring her to the house already," my mom demanded, driving to her favorite fabric store.

I felt numb, I had no idea what to even think. After everything, I had pretty much settled, forced myself to deal with the fact that Kim wasn't ready to accept me in that way.

"O-o-okay," I stammered, wondering exactly what she said to make Matty think that.

"Now, Matty, The Joker wears a purple and green suit, right?" My mother asked when she parked in the small store's lot. They exited the car in a rush chattering merrily, looking over the reference picture she brought in her purse.

"Yeah! His suits are handmade too! With no labels so the police don't know anything about him," Matty started what promised to be a rather long explanation.

Kim would be walking home from work soon and my stomach clenched in anticipation of seeing her again. Knowing now that she might possibly be thinking about me in a sexual way… well it made it worse. I grabbed my stomach and inhaled deeply just as my cell phone rang. I answered it before it even finished one whole ring.

"Kim?"

"Ja-Jared," her sobbing voice crushed me and my smile faded instantly.

"Are you okay?"

"Can you keep Matty for a while? There's a problem he-here," she stuttered.

"What's wrong? I'll be there in a minute," the words rushed out so fast I couldn't be sure she understood.

"No, don't bring Matty here, please," she pleaded as my mother came to my side, placing her hand on my shoulder.

"What's up?" She asked her eyes scanning my face closely. I held my finger up and said my goodbyes to Kim.

"Mom, can you watch Matty for a bit, Kim needs me?"

"Of course, me and Matty can get this super-awesome label free Joker costume started and we can make some of those pistachio, cranberry, white-chocolate chip cookies again, what do you think little guy?" She asked kneeling down to his level. He looked up to me, but instead of asking for permission this time his eyes were filled with worry. He was fiercely protective of Kim and worried about her constantly, which I both admired and pitied.

"It's okay buddy, I'll be back soon," I said patting his arm and running out the store at the closest to human speed I could imitate with such an intense desire to get to Kim.

I dropped my shoes in my mom's car, and ran faster, stripping and phasing just as I reached the highway, cutting through the forest with a bundle of clothes held tight in my mouth.

I reached her house in less than fifteen minutes, but it was still not fast enough. I quickly pulled on my pants dropping my shirt and not bothering to pick it up before I bounded through the door. It was quiet inside and I followed the sound of two beating hearts, realizing just as I saw them that one of the hearts was beating much too slowly. Kim was sitting next to her mother, who she had laid on her side. She was crying freely and she had a phone in her hand, poised to dial when she saw me.

"Oh god! Matty?" she called standing and making to cover the entrance to the room.

"He's with my mom, their making costumes and cookies. He's fine. What happened?" I asked kneeling to examine her mother more closely. She was breathing inconsistently, three quick intakes and one long one, followed by nothing for several seconds; her heart was slow but steady.

"She drank herself to death, the stupid fucking BITCH!" she screamed through thick tears.

"She's alive, but we need to get her up. Let's get some water on her," I said not really sure what to do, but I'd seen this in movies and it seemed like the right place to start.

I lifted her off the floor and headed to the bathroom. When Kim put the water on I tossed her in less carefully. She didn't move and I shook her shoulders as Kim stood behind me sobbing quietly.

"Jared… it's not alcohol poisoning," she whispered from behind me.

"I know," I said not looking at her.

About a week ago Sam, Paul and I confronted a guy from the Makah rez who was selling meth in La Push. When we caught up with him I smelled his product for the first time— I had never been in the proximity of meth before— I knew. It was the acidic, vinegar chemical smell I caught on Kim's mother sometimes, the smell I couldn't quite place, the smell that excreted from her pores on occasion. I also knew that Kim knew, but I didn't bring it up. It was Kim fact #132.

Kim didn't want me or anyone else to know about her mother's drug addiction.

"We're going to have to call 911 aren't we?" She asked her voice now hard.

"Should we?" I asked, leaving her mother still directly under the torrent of warm water.

"We can't just let her die and hide the body, Jared," she said dryly.

Her eyes widened and I turned to see what she was. Holly was now on her hands and knees in the shower, dry heaving under the constant flow of water.

I turned off the water and Kim patted her back, watching her with a look that was a mixture of love, anger and revulsion.

Holly puked, a nasty yellow-green liquid that smelled like rotting fruit, but her breathing and heart stabilized.

"Mom you ok?" Kim asked, holding back her mother's sopping hair as she continued to heave.

"Kiiiiim?"

"Yeah, mom, it's me. You need to drink something. Jared, get me a cup please," I was already out the door by the time she finished the sentence. I came back just as she was stripping her of her clothes, I turned away, holding the cup towards Kim and waiting for her to take it away from me.

"You're not even going to take a sneak?" She asked from behind me. I kept my eyes firmly averted and shook my head in response.

"You can look now she's covered," she said with a hint of humor in her voice. She was actually smiling when I turned to look at her.

"Are you seriously joking at a time like this?" I asked in amazement. She filled the cup from the tap and forced it in her mother's face, tipping it into her mouth and encouraging her as if she were a child refusing to eat their pureed peas.

"Well, she's not dead, dying or in the hospital therefore causing me trouble, so yeah, I'm happy. Sue me," she said dragging her half conscious mother out the room.

I lifted her up, relieving Kim from the burden and placed her unceremoniously on her bed. I was so filled with anger at this stupid, thoughtless woman I had to leave the room.

"She just needs to sleep it off, it won't be the first time I've said that," Kim said when she joined me in her bedroom. Her cheery mood was gone just as fast as it had come. She sat the the edge of the bed and tears streamed so steadily they seemed to go down one single path, like a faucet.

I dropped to my knees in front of her unsure of how I could comfort her. I did the one thing that would have comforted me right now. I kissed her.

My lips just barely brushed hers and I pulled away, but she grabbed my face by my ears and pulled me to her with more strength then I knew she had. I was terrified of hurting her, so I used my elbows to keep my weight off of her, kissing her with everything I had. Her hands ran up and down my chest and torso.

"Thank you," she breathed into my mouth as she struggled with my pants forcing them down past my hips. I had no idea what to do. Not in the sense of how to have sex, although, I didn't really know how to do that either—but what was the etiquette in this situation?

No matter how much you love someone, and I was certain that my love for Kim could win world records, was it okay to have sex with them when they had just been crying a river, or when they just thought their mother had overdosed?

No. No, it wasn't. She wasn't in the right place to make this decision and I need to stop, but the stopping became much harder when she pushed me on my back and started leaving tearstained kisses down my neck—the most sensitive part of my body.

"Kim, I don't—"

"Fuck me, Jared," she hissed in my ear and I hated myself, cursed my stupid hormones and lack of self-control, but I did.

I resettled myself on top of her, quickly undressing her from the waist down, going straight for the target. I entered her completely and she gasped and writhed underneath me, clawing at my chest as I rocked back and forth.

I ignored my cell phone all eight times it rang from my jeans on her bedroom floor. I ignored Sam and Paul's howls in the night and I ignored my own screaming conscious that cried for me to stop before I ruined everything.

When she came, her beautiful face relaxing completely, she breathed my name and as if she flipped some sort of switch I remembered myself. I pulled out and she groaned searching my face for answers.

"What's wrong?" She asked nervously.

"I wanted this to happen differently. I feel like took advantage of you. I don't want you to look back at this and think I used you when you needed me. I want you to—" She cut me off with another kiss, fast and urgent.

"I want you. I need you," she confessed. She grabbed my still hard member and positioned herself on it, smiling as she took me in again.

The feeling was so good, so remarkable I couldn't describe it to anyone but the words soft, warm, perfect would probably come up in my attempt.

"I heard Sam's call again and I knew any second they would be coming for me but I didn't care, I wanted to live in her acceptance for as long as possible.