Gradual Healing Chapter 10: 9: I Think I Can, I Think I Can, a twilight fanfic

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Chapter 9: I Think I Can, I Think I Can

I walked into the school at 7:35am. It had been a tiresome night. I had finished taking all the sleeping pills Dr. C prescribed me. Now, without them, I was finding it hard to fall asleep. Once I did, I would toss and turn restlessly or be woken by the nightmares and flashbacks. Alice had stopped by yesterday, thirty minutes later than she said she would. She refused to talk about why she was late then wanted to talk about Edward again. She knew I had been looking for him, though not as hard as she wanted me to.

Later, once I finally fell asleep, I dreamt about the accident. In the dream though my horn wouldn't work. I watched as the four men, Edward, Emmett, Ben, and the other man, were crushed between the vehicles. It was a horrible sight; there was nothing I could do. I had jerked awake, my body covered in sweat. Once I fell back asleep I had the same dream again. Once I jerked awake at 6:00 am I just didn't go back to sleep, choosing to prepare for today's lesson.

Literature had always been a passion of mine. I wanted to share that passion with others. I loved teaching. The thrill I got when a student finally had a realization or epiphany was euphoric. It just wasn't my number one dream, but I was too scared to pursue that. I had written many short stories, a few were even published. I longed to write my own novel, but the chances of someone wanting to read my work were slim to none. Teaching was a great outlet.

Friday I had asked my Junior Literature classes to read the first two chapters of Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston and my Advanced Placement Junior Literature class to read the first three chapters of The Chosen by Chaim Potak. We would spend the class period discussing the basics of the book, the author's life, and what the students expected from the novels. These were my favorite classes. I loved to learn where they thought the story was going, what they thought the story meant. I would write down their assumptions then at the end of the novel, we revisited the list. This would allow them to see how their opinions had changed. It was a great way, in my opinion, to break down their preconceived notions and force them to reconsider certain things they had always believed. Too bad not all of my colleagues felt the same.

I was often criticized for this method. I had had my fair share of disgruntle parents calling, wanting to know why I was telling their children their beliefs were wrong. I worked in a private school that catered to the wealthier population of Seattle. The children were sheltered, and all I wanted to do was prepare them for the real world. Once they left for college, they were going to be met with people and things they did not consider 'normal.' My goal was not to change their beliefs but to show them they weren't the only ones. Due to all the parental criticism, most of my colleagues tried to steer clear of me, not wanting to get mixed into the accusations. I didn't mind though. I had a few friends here: Ross Davis who taught Senior Literature, Jantzan Harris who taught Junior World History, and Lillian Winters who taught Freshman Biology.

I unlocked my classroom and propped my door open. I was always early so my students could see me if they had questions before the day started. I had five students see me before the first bell rang. I could tell it was going to be a long day after my first class started. I received many complaints about the language from Their Eyes Were Watching God. It was written in the dialectic and, when it wasn't what one was accustomed to, it was harder to read. I tried to get them to look past the slang and see to the deeper meaning, but it was a fight. By lunchtime, I had already had one call from a parent. I set up a meeting with them for the following morning. My fifth period AP class arrived, and I felt hopeful. Maybe they will be agreeable to the novel. They all took their seats and pulled out their books.

"Hello class," I began. They all chorused out their hellos. "I hope you all read the chapters last night. Today's class is going to be a discussion, and I expect all of you to participate. So, what did you think about what you've read so far?"

The next thirty minutes were spent in a heated discussion. The topic receiving the most attention was Danny's confession to wanting to kill Reuven. I took notes as I listened to the debate. All students were contributing, all but one. He was normally the most vocal of my students. I could see that something was bothering him; he seemed off in another place. Discussion died down with ten minutes left in class.

"Great discussion everyone," I said as I finished writing out notes about what I heard. "We've got ten minutes left so I want you to use that time to get a head start on your reading. I want you to read chapter four through six tonight." They began to get comfortable and read. "Jason, can you follow me?" He stood up and followed me into the hallway. I closed the door to give us some privacy and looked up and down the hallway to make sure we were alone. "Is everything okay?"

"Sure," he answered, his voice sounding defeated.

"Jason, you can talk to me. You're usually one of the main contributors to the discussion. Did you read the chapters this weekend?"

"Yes. I read them on Friday. I really liked it so far."

"Then why didn't you participate?"

"I've got other things on my mind."

"Would you like to talk about these other things? I'm here to listen. I just want to make sure you're okay."

"Well, you see, there was a fire yesterday at my house."

"Oh, Jason. Is your family okay?"

"Yes. They're going to be. Tina and I were home, my parents had gone for a walk. I smelled the smoke and went to look for Tina. I couldn't find her. I looked for her; I really did. She wasn't upstairs. The firemen got us out, but I was supposed to take care of her. She was my responsibility. I let her down, and she got hurt. She's in the hospital still. The smoke inhalation was pretty bad for her. She wasn't breathing when the firemen took her outside. I was supposed to protect her, and I didn't. I let her down. I let her get hurt." He hung his head in shame. He was breathing erratically, getting very worked up.

"Jason, Jason. I want you to try to calm down. Take deep, slow breaths." After a few minutes he was calmer. "Do you know what started the fire?"

"It was electrical. The wiring in the wall was faulty. It spread through the walls."

"Then this isn't your fault. Jason, look at me." He finally looked up and I could see only guilt and sadness in his eyes. "This is not your fault. You tried to get to Tina. I know how much you love her. You would never do anything to hurt her. You did your best, and that's all anyone can ask of you. She's alive. That's what matters now. You and she are alive. Okay?" He nodded his head. "Why don't you go and see the counselor. Let Mr. Jennings know what happened. If he knows, he can talk to all your teachers so they know what to expect. This way you won't have to keep telling the story over and over. They'll give you time to come back into things. Does that sound like a plan?"

"Okay. I can do that." I smiled at him.

"Good. Go back in and get your stuff, then head to his office. I'll write you a pass."

We went back into the classroom. I handed him the pass and he left. Oh, how heartbreaking. He seemed to be taking responsibility for the fire and his sister's life. Hopefully Mr. Jennings would talk with him some. The bell rang and the classroom cleared. Sixth period was my off period, and I spent the time typing up the notes from each class. Seventh period went by fast. Once school was out I left to go to Jasper's for my first therapy session. My stomach was in knots, and a few times I felt as if I would lose my lunch.

I took a bus to my apartment then got my truck to drive to Jasper's house. He had decided our sessions would be best if done at his place. He knew I was very uncomfortable in any office setting. I arrived at 3:50, ten minutes before our appointment. I knocked on the door, but there was no answer. I sat on the steps to wait. He arrived within five minutes, running up to the door.

"Bella, what are you doing?" he asked incredulously. "You should have waited in the truck. I'm sorry for being later. I got held up at Alice's."

"The truck's as cold as it is out here, and you're not late. I was early, and trust me I understand about Alice. No need to apologize." He unlocked the door and let me inside. He took my coat and hung it up then got me a blanket to wrap up in. He took the next ten minutes to start a fire, saying I needed the extra heat.

"Okay, have a seat where you would like. I'm going to drop some stuff off in my room and grab a notepad. I'll be quick."

"Take your time." I sat in the oversized chair that Alice had bought him on a trip to New York. I always loved it because I felt as if it swallowed me. Jasper returned shortly and sat across the coffee table on the love seat. He had a yellow legal pad and pen. He pushed a water bottle towards me and sat one in front of hisself. "So, where do we start?"

"From the beginning. Normally, I would start with you telling me about yourself, but I know a lot about you. I want you to tell me about yourself starting from when you were young, but you can give me just a brief overview."

"Okay." I pushed off my shoes and pulled my feet underneath me. "I was born in Forks; both my parents were young. Mom took me and left dad before I was two. We moved to Phoenix. She dated a few guys, nothing very serious. She married Phil when I was in high school, and I decided to go live with Charlie so she could have time with Phil and travel with him. I finished high school and went to college. You know the rest." He finished writing something then looked up at me.

"Okay. Now tell me about you, not your family."

"Um. I don't know what you want me to say."

"Go over the events you just talked about again, but tell me about you during these times."

"Okay. I don't remember my first time in Forks. I don't like how Renee left Charlie. I mean, I can see why she left him I guess, but I don't like how. She just took me and left one night. They hadn't discussed anything before then.

"I took care of Renee once I got old enough to. I think the parent/child roles reversed when I was about ten if not a little earlier. She's a little erratic and scatterbrained. I felt pretty indifferent about the men she dated. They were just time fillers in my opinion. Then she met Phil.

"I liked Phil from the beginning. He's a little young for her in my opinion, but they make each other happy. He plays major league baseball. As you know, I'm not the athletic type." I readjusted my feet before continuing. "He was going to teach me to play, but…

"Anyway," I shook my head to clear the images of his teammates, "his team travels and Renee was splitting her time between us. I saw how much she wanted to be with him so I banished myself to Forks, to live with Charlie."

"Banished?" He looked up from the notepad he had been writing on, waiting for me to continue.

"Yes. I saw Charlie for two weeks each summer in Forks after Renee left. When I was fourteen, I stopped going to Forks. We went places in Cali after that. I didn't like Forks. It was dreary and cold, but Renee needed time with Phil, and I knew he would take care of her. I got to Forks and fell into the role of caretaker. Charlie never got over Renee, and never learned how to cook. I took over the housework and cooking.

"I met Alice which helped ease my distaste for Forks. Then we came here for college. Charlie needs me, or needed me, so I wanted to stay close." I waited a few moments as he wrote on that horrible notepad.

"Okay. Now I want you to tell me why you decided on therapy."

"Dr. C."

"Can you elaborate?"

"He asked me to. I had already been considering it. It's been almost a decade. It's getting hard to block it out. The nightmares and flashbacks are getting worse and the panic attacks are more frequent. I just want them to go away. Dr. C pushed me towards it."

"These nightmares, are they about Phoenix?"

"Sometimes," I whispered. "Sometimes they're about Jacob, and sometimes they're about the accident two weeks ago. I keep seeing those men being crushed."

"How often do you have them?"

"Two to three times a week."

"How often do you have panic attacks?"

"Sometimes they happen once or twice a day. If it's a bad day, they're worse. The worst one was when I thought I was going to black out."

"Okay. I want you to tell me what you think we should talk about. You know some of the issues you're dealing with. Tell me what they are."

I hadn't expected this. I thought therapy was for the shrink to ask the questions. I wasn't supposed to provide information. I wanted him to dig for it. I looked over at the fire as I thought. What do I tell him? Do I leave out certain stuff? He sat there waiting patiently. I knew he only wanted to help me, but right now it felt like he was prying.

"Bella," he said as he shifted in his seat, setting his notepad and pen by his side. "The reason I'm asking is because what you're willing to reveal is what we're going to talk about first. I will dig deeper later, but right now, I want you to be honest and open with me. This relationship will only work if you're willing to put in some effort. So, what are they?" I looked back towards him, taking a few moments to gather the courage.

"Phoenix," I whispered. "Baseball." I closed my eyes as the images came flooding back. "His teammates." I could see the knife in his hand. My breathing accelerated waiting for the cut. I had to think about something else. "Jacob." I cringed and pulled my legs up to my chest, hugging them tightly. "Sex." I could feel the sting in my cheek, the soreness all over my body. My chest tightened, and I could feel the tears as they leaked onto my face. My body began to shake. "Edward." My stomach churned. "Oh God, I'm going to be sick." Jasper tossed his notepad on the table and ran to kitchen. He returned with a trashcan in time for me to dry heave into it. Once I sat back up he moved the trashcan and knelt in front of me.

"Bella, you need to calm down. Take slow, deep breaths." I had to smile at the irony. I had just done this with Jason earlier. "Breathe in, breathe out. In, out. Look at me. Breathe with me." I watched his breathing and matched his pace. I could feel my pounding heartbeat begin to slow. Even though we got my breathing under control, I could still feel my body shaking. "Are you feeling better?" I tentatively nodded. He stood and returned to his seat.

"I've got one more question for you. Ready?" I nodded, ready for this session to be over. "What are you goals? What do you want to accomplish with therapy?"

"Don't laugh, but I want to learn to play baseball." I blushed. It would mean a lot to me to be able to play with Phil. "Um. I want to be comfortable in Forks without worrying about running into him. I want to stop the nightmares and panic attacks, and I want to be comfortable in my own skin."

"I wouldn't laugh at you, Bella. That's not a bad goal. Now, I'm going to give you an assessment. After that, you will have the choice to continue with therapy or forego it. Okay?" I nodded.

"You listed a few things that you felt needed to be worked on, and I agree with them. There are also a few that I think you are either not acknowledging or are not aware of. If you chose to continue with me, we'll explore those as well. This is not going to be easy. The things that happened, that you experienced, are deeply rooted in you, and it's going to take time to uncover them. Your goals are solid and a great thing to look forward to.

"If you continue, I would like to see you twice a week with no more than three days in between. The sessions will most likely be draining so evening would be best. Think about it. When you decide, call the Counseling Center and make your appointments with me. They know my schedule so they'll set it up. We will continue to meet here. Our sessions will be private. I promise I won't discuss this with anyone, even Alice. I want you to have total confidence and trust in me. Do you have any questions?"

"If I don't think I'm ready to talk about something, are you going to make me?"

"First, I'll never make you do anything. Second, you will never be truly ready to talk about these things. You've spent the past decade suppressing them. It's engrained in you to hide them. You will have to force yourself to say them. I'll encourage you, and I'll push you to open up, however, I will never force you to do anything."

"I don't think I have any questions." He stood and retrieved his cell phone.

"Alice," he said after she picked up. "Could you come over? Yes, I'm going to make dinner. Okay. I love you too." He put his phone back on the coffee table and turned to me. "You're welcome to stay for dinner. If you don't, I want Alice to drive you home, and I'll bring her back. You're not ready to drive right now. I want you to be safe."

"I'll stay if you don't mind. Rose is working late, and I don't feel like cooking right now."

"Sure. Make yourself comfortable. Alice will be here in about ten minutes. I'm going to start dinner. How do you want your steak?"

Jasper's POV

"I really have to go now," I told Alice as I donned my coat. "Bella's appointment is at 4:00. I've got twenty minutes to get home."

"Okay," she said as she hugged me. "Do you want me to make you dinner?"

"No. I'm going to cook for you. I'll call you when Bella's session is over." I kissed her quickly and hurried out the door.

I was both nervous and excited for Bella's session. It had been a little over a week since she asked to start therapy. I had been waiting for this for years. She tried so hard to hide her pain. She had perfected her façade over the years. Alice had always had an inkling that something was wrong, but never thought it would be too bad. I've been hinting around for the past few years, trying to get Bella to consider therapy. She was so much like Jamie. I felt my heart squeeze just thinking her name. I missed my sister so much. I couldn't see what was happening with Jamie, but I could now recognize the signs in Bella. I wasn't going to let her wither away. She needed to face whatever it was that happened in her past.

I pulled into my driveway fifteen minutes later to find Bella sitting on the front porch steps. I should have known she would be early. She considered being on time being late. I would have to remember to put a spare key somewhere out there in case this happened again. I ran towards the door to get her inside. I didn't know how long she had been sitting in the cold.

"Bella, what are you doing?" I asked. "You should have waited in the truck. I'm sorry for being later. I got held up at Alice's."

"The truck's as cold as it is out here, and you're not late. I was early, and trust me I understand about Alice. No need to apologize." I quickly unlocked the door and let her inside. I took her coat and hung it up then got her a blanket to wrap up in. I took the next ten minutes to start a fire. It was a cold day and even with the blanket she was bound to be freezing. This would help her warm up.

"Okay, have a seat where you would like. I'm going to drop some stuff off in my room and grab a notepad. I'll be quick."

"Take your time." I carried my briefcase towards my office. Once there I dropped it off and picked up a blank notepad. I hung my suit jacket up in my bedroom and retrieved two water bottles from the kitchen. I walked into the living room to find her in the large chair Alice got me from New York. It had always been her favorite. "So, where do we start?"

"From the beginning. Normally, I would start with you telling me about yourself, but I know a lot about you. I want you to tell me about yourself starting from when you were young; just a brief overview." I sat directly across from her and wrote her name, the date, and time on the top of the page.

"Okay." She pushed off her shoes and pulled her feet underneath her legs. It was a typical defense mechanism. "I was born in Forks; both my parents were young. Mom took me and left dad before I was two. We moved to Phoenix. She dated a few guys, nothing very serious. She married Phil when I was in high school, and I decided to go live with Charlie so she could have time with Phil and travel with him. I finished high school and went to college. You know the rest." I wrote out her timeline, noting things she had failed to mention that I already knew. It didn't surprise me that she told me things about other people. She was the type of person that put others before herself, which was reflected in her brief overview.

"Okay. Now tell me about you, not your family." She looked taken aback. I needed her to define her life based on her own experiences.

"Um. I don't know what you want me to say."

"Go over the events you just talked about again, but tell me about you during these times." I wrote pertinent words next to the events that we would discuss at a later date.

"Okay. I don't remember my first time in Forks. I don't like how Renee left Charlie. I mean, I can see why she left him I guess, but I don't like how." Upset. "She just took me and left one night." Stolen. "They hadn't discussed anything before then.

"I took care of Renee once I got old enough." Caretaker. "I think the parent/child roles reversed when I was about ten if not a little earlier." Childhood? "She's a little erratic and scatterbrained. I felt pretty indifferent about the men she dated. They were just time fillers in my opinion. Then she met Phil.

"I liked Phil from the beginning. He's a little young for her in my opinion, but they make each other happy. He plays major league baseball. As you know, I'm not the athletic type." She wiggled around in her seat, indicating she was uncomfortable. "He was going to teach me to play, but…

"Anyway," she shook my head, "his team travels and Renee was splitting her time between us. I saw how much she wanted to be with him," Abandonment issues? "so I banished myself to Forks, to live with Charlie."

"Banished?" I looked up from the notepad, waiting for her to elaborate. Banished was such a harsh word, indicative of disdain, hate, and devastation.

"Yes. I saw Charlie for two weeks each summer in Forks after Renee left. When I was fourteen, I stopped going to Forks." What was the trigger? "We went places in Cali after that. I didn't like Forks. It was dreary and cold, but Renee needed time with Phil, and I knew he would take care of her." Dependant on care giving. "I got to Forks and fell into the role of caretaker. Charlie never got over Renee, and never learned how to cook. I took over the housework and cooking.

"I met Alice which helped ease my distaste for Forks. Then we came here for college. Charlie needs me, or needed me, so I wanted to stay close." Abandonment issues?

"Okay. Now I want you to tell me why you decided on therapy."

"Dr. C."

"Can you elaborate?"

"He asked me to. I had already been considering it. It's been eight years. It's getting hard to block it out. The nightmares and flashbacks are getting worse," I wrote down those words, "and the panic attacks are more frequent. I just want them to go away. Dr. C pushed me towards it."

"These nightmares, are they about Phoenix?"

"Sometimes," she whispered. "Sometimes they're about Jacob, and sometimes they're about the accident two weeks ago. I keep seeing those men being crushed." I wrote down each thing she talked about. If she continued with therapy, we would discuss not only the events that led to the nightmares but the nightmares themselves as well.

"How often do you have them?"

"Two to three times a week." That was very often. Did she have nightmares while on the sleeping pills? That would be a question for later.

"How often do you have panic attacks?"

"Sometimes they happen once or twice a day. If it's a bad day, they're worse. The worst one was when I thought I was going to black out." Has she been taking her medicine?

"Okay. I want you to tell me what you think we should talk about. You know some of the issues you're dealing with. Tell me what they are."

She froze. I guess she hadn't been expecting that. I wanted her to give me some place to start. If she revealed it, it would be my first issue to delve into. She looked over at the fire. I sat there waiting patiently. After a few minutes I spoke.

"Bella," I said as I set my notepad and pen by my side. "The reason I'm asking is because what you're willing to reveal is what we're going to talk about first. I will dig deeper later, but right now, I want you to be honest and open with me. This relationship will only work if you're willing to put in some effort. So, what are they?" She looked back towards me, taking a few moments to gather the courage.

"Phoenix," she whispered. I wrote it on the next page. "Baseball." She closed her eyes. "His teammates." Her eyes scrunched together and breathing accelerated. "Jacob." She cringed and pulled her legs up to her chest, hugging them tightly; another defense mechanism. "Sex." Her body began to shake. I waited for her to start controlling her panic attack. "Edward." I wrote it down and underlined it. That would be the first thing we discussed next session. "Oh God, I'm going to be sick." I tossed my notepad on the table and ran to kitchen, returning with a trashcan in time for her to dry heave into it. When she was done and sat back up, I moved the trashcan and knelt in front of her.

"Bella, you need to calm down. Take slow, deep breaths." I could see a faint smile. "Breathe in, breathe out. In, out. Look at me. Breathe with me." She watched my breathing and matched its pace. Even after her breathing was under control, I could still see her body shaking. "Are you feeling better?" She tentatively nodded. I stood and returned to my seat.

"I've got one more question for you. Ready?" She nodded. I knew she couldn't handle much more, but the last question was the most important. "What are you goals? What do you want to accomplish with therapy?"

"Don't laugh, but I want to learn to play baseball." She blushed. I wrote on the notepad, Phil is more important than she wants to admit. "Um. I want to be comfortable in Forks without worrying about running into him." Fear of Jacob. Abuse? "I want to stop the nightmares and panic attacks, and I want to be comfortable in my own skin."

"I wouldn't laugh at you, Bella. That's not a bad goal. Now, I'm going to give you an assessment. After that, you will have the choice to continue with therapy or forego it. Okay?" She nodded.

"You listed a few things that you felt needed to be worked on, and I agree with them. There are also a few that I think you are either not acknowledging or are not aware of. If you chose to continue with me, well explore those as well. This is not going to be easy. The things that happened, that you experienced, are deeply rooted in you, and it's going to take time to uncover them. Your goals are solid and a great thing to look forward to.

"If I don't think I'm ready to talk about something, are you going to make me?"

"I don't think I have any questions." I stood and retrieved my cell phone. She was in no condition to drive herself home. She was still shaking.

"Alice," I said after she picked up.

"Hey, Jazzy," she answered cheerily. "What's up?"

"Could you come over?"

"Sure, are you done with Bella? You still gonna cook?"

"Yes, I'm going to make dinner."

"I'll be there in ten minutes. I love you."

"Okay. I love you too." I put my phone back on the coffee table and turned to Bella. "You're welcome to stay for dinner. If you don't, I want Alice to drive you home, and I'll bring her back. You're not ready to drive right now. I want you to be safe." I could see relief in her eyes.

"I'll stay if you don't mind. Rose is working late, and I don't feel like cooking right now."

"Sure. Make yourself comfortable. Alice will be here in about ten minutes. I'm going to start dinner. How do you want your steak?"

"Medium please, and thanks for letting me eat dinner."

"No problem. I'll call you and Alice when it's ready."

AN: So, there's Bella's first session. I won't be writing a chapter on each of her sessions. If there's something worth noting I will. I hope Jasper's POV shed some insight into what is going on. Leave me a review, let me know what you think, and I'll send you a sneak peek at the next chapter; Bella and Edward get reaquainted.