Chapter 10: Kim's Sacrifice

"Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love."

–George Eliot

She fell asleep holding on to me as if I was a life preserver and I didn't mind. I ran my hands through her hair, memorized her face with my forefinger, kissed her jaw line and inhaled her scent for almost an hour before she woke up staring at me.

It was eight pm, I heard her mother stirring in the other room. Kim yawned loudly, and shot up out of bed, dressing before I had a chance to speak.

"Matty."

"He's fine he's with my mother. They're probably having fun, he shouldn't be here with your mother like this," I said urging her back into bed. I wanted to be with her, to touch, and hold her for the rest of the night.

We also needed time to talk about this, about our plans, about this situation with her mom, but I knew by the look she shot me that that was not going to happen.

"He's my responsibility, Jared."

I got up, stretching and throwing on my shorts. They were the only piece of clothing I had right now. Her eyes scanned my body and she turned away, heading to the door. I followed her out of the house and grabbed the shirt I dropped off the front lawn.

When we arrived at my home she finally looked at me. I couldn't read her expression and that scared me.

She had glared at me in anger, smiled at me with true happiness, gawked at me in confusion and my favorite heavy-liddedly glanced at me with pure passion—but never this. I had only ever seen her look at one other person like this; her mother. What was it? Disgust?

"Kim? Are you okay?" She looked away. Not looking at me was almost as bad as being disgusted with me, although, to be honest, I was more than a little disgusted with myself.

"I'm fine, Jared. Can you please get him for me? Thank you for your help and please thank your mother for me," she said curtly.

I didn't like that voice, it was her polite girl routine she used with strangers, but never with me. I didn't want her to, I like her, no I loved and adored her the way she was. Real.

"You don't want to come in? Maybe you guys could stay here for the night," I suggested without any real hope she would agree.

"I'm going to take him to Crystal's, Michael's been asking about a sleepover for a while," she said just as my mom came to the door looking at me sternly. Her expression changed automatically and she ushered an unsuspecting Kim in the house not letting her refuse.

"Thanks for taking such good care of Matty. I'm sorry to have inconvenienced you," Kim said politely as we entered the kitchen. She took a warm cookie off the plate that was offered to her and my mom spoke a mile a minute, filling her in on the Halloween plans and informing me that I was in trouble with Sam.

"A boy named Embry has just been hired at your job and he told me they need your help for training A-SAP," my mom coded the message expertly and I tried to hide my shock. Embry?

"Embry?"

"Yeah. Oh, you're such a beautiful girl," my mother fussed around Kim, as Matty clung to her side. Matty and Kim were like a cohesive unit, I knew that Matty could see the distress on Kim's face even if my mother was oblivious.

"Shit, I gotta go," I said still not making a move to leave. I really, really, really didn't want to face Sam right now. "Kim, I'll come over tonight when I'm done, is that okay?" I whispered in her ear and her heart sped up.

"Don't worry about us," she said politely, almost robotic.

I wanted to shake her, to force a non-robot-like reaction out of her— mostly I wanted to apologize, but I had no time. I didn't want to go, but it was my job and I had neglected it for too long.

"Kim, we need to talk, okay? We don't have class tomorrow, teacher conference; I'll be over after work. No later than midnight if I can," I said kissing her cheek. She flinched then turned to me, her eyes clouded.

"Okay," she sighed and I turned to leave.

"Be safe honey," my mom waved, giving me the hint to leave already.

"How are the cookies Matty?" My mom asked still shooing me away.

"They were great mom," Matty said and I stopped dead in my tracks, turning quickly to see Kim.

"I mean Mrs. Cameron, I'm sorry," Matty apologized and Kim's face was a stone mask.

"Yes, the cookies were very good. Thank you for making them for him. You really didn't have to," Kim rattled automatically. I cringed at the hurt in her voice, it made my stomach ache.

My mother promised to drive them home and I ran to the woods, where I phased so quickly I surprised myself.

I was instantly assaulted with a hurricane of insults and questions.

You fucking selfish dick. Getting your nut off while we're here with this wild wolf newbie! Paul's thoughts were as loud and obnoxious as him.

I'm sorry, really sorry, Sam. I thought trying desperately to keep all of the thoughts and images of the day in the back of my mind. I had been doing this for weeks, suppressing all thoughts of Kim, a difficult task when all I wanted to do was replay every moment we had together.

Jared, I understand. I do. But next time you blatantly ignore a call we're going to have a problem. Sam thought sternly and I cringed, finally taking in the manic third mind I had not noticed before. It was like watching a slideshow in fast forward, and it instantly made me dizzy.

Everyone's thoughts were different, organized and managed differently. Paul was purely verbal, his memories were like a monologue—oral summaries of events with occasional foggy images.

While Sam's thoughts were purely emotion, he didn't think in full sentences unless he was talking to us. He thought is scenarios and emotions and all images were brought forward purposefully to emphasize points.

Embry on the other hand was entirely visual, all of the images in his mind were crisp and clear like watching a movie. There was no voice, in fact, I probably wouldn't know who it was if my mom hadn't given me the message. I saw so many flashes of people it was confusing and also made me a bit nauseous like I was watching the Blair Witch Project.

Quil.

Jake.

Mrs. Green my old Lit teacher, this image was painted with a tinge of longing which disturbed me, because she was a thirty-something librarian type.

Sam.

And even me.

It's weird to see yourself as others see you. I looked taller, more tanned, and I realized my new haircut looked a bit jockey.

Embry man, you know it's all going to be okay, right? I thought trying to pass as much calm to him as I could.

He was pacing back and forth, like a caged animal.

He's non-responsive man. He's been like this for hours. Paul's thoughts were laced with sympathy and a bit of sweetness.

I remembered when I first changed and my annoyance and anger with Paul faded. He had talked me down and that was something wolves would always have as a bond.

Love ya too dude. Paul thought playfully, but I could feel the true emotion behind it and I smiled.

What the FUCK? Embry's thought screamed with confusion and annoyance.

Great. First thing he decides to say after two hours, is 'What the fuck?" Paul chuckled.

This can't be fucking happening. Embry thought trying to back away from us.

That's more like it! Paul goaded, back to his normal annoying self.

Embry, if you want to turn back tonight you are going to need to try and relax brother. Sam thought calmly. It was weird, we were like brothers, and now, even though we had hoped it would stop with the exit of the Cullens, we had a new addition to the family.

He's getting there, this is good. We've got denial down, 'no this can't be happening'. Next we'll have some true werewolf anger—trees will get uprooted, one of us will bleed. Then of course my personal favorite, bargaining. 'Oh why dear lord why? I'll stop wanking to my ancient British Lit teacher if you just stop making me turn into a big ball of hair' Paul had been through this first-time transformation twice, his own and mine, which apparently made him quite the expert. I would have laughed out loud but my vocal cords were no longer of the homo sapien variety and it came out in a harsh bark.

Shut up Paul! Embry, I know this is hard to believe, and it's confusing and a little scary, but your body has finished changing and—Embry's thoughts cut Sam off.

This isn't fucking puberty. I'm not growing hairs on my nuts dude, I just turned into a mother fucking giant creature and you can read my fucking mind. You've got to be fucking joking me.

Can you choose another expletive? Fuck and all its variants are being entirely overused in this conversation. Paul asked.

Get out of here, Paul. Thanks for your help, get some sleep. Jared will take over your patrol tonight as punishment. Sam informed Paul, who within moments phased back and whooped. Screaming "Peace out," as he went; bare ass to the wind.

How many were-werewolves are there? Embry mentally stumbled over the word as he asked.

Four now. I answered him, dropping to lie on the ground next to him. He dropped to the floor with me and Sam settled on his hind legs in front of us.

How'd this happen? What set it off? I asked, turning my head to face him. It was weird talking in wolf form, all human conventions were gone, but sometimes some conversations were just too serious to overlook everyday courtesy; so I looked him in his big brown eyes and listened as he told his tale.

We all had a tale to tell and today was Embry's day. We hadn't expected him. We were surprised, and when we explained our origins in detail (he was not a Quileute but a Makah who moved here as a toddler) he had the same question on the back on the back of his mind that we did. We didn't voice it in our discussion but it kept creeping up in the back of everything.

We showed us a bit about himself: his mother, his grandmother, his kinda-sorta girlfriend, his best friends and when he got to them he stopped.

Before the change I was sort of a loner, quiet and generally invisible, I knew Paul but we weren't friends. Leah and I occasionally hung out, so I had met Sam a few times, but I didn't really know what it would be like to hide this from a friend. The trio were very, very close and this would not go unnoticed. I mean, I hid it from my father, but it couldn't really be called hiding it when he was so consumed by work that he wouldn't have noticed anyways. And I hadn't explained it all to Kim yet, but I knew she suspected something.

Jake will join us in no time. Sam thought sadly, and I nodded my big furry head.

Why? Why is this happening now? And we had gotten to the million dollar question.

Vampires. Sam and I both thought bitterly. That was the word that freaked me out when I first phased and Embry didn't disappoint. He barked and freaked just as much as I had.

When Embry was a bit calmer, Sam called Billy and they formulated a plan for Embry to stay safely away his family, just in case he got a case of the exploding fever.

He had a long road ahead of him, it hurt phasing in the beginning, your body stretching and growing at rapid speed. I phased back and helped Sam get Embry back to Emily's after he collapsed in a sweaty human mass. He was going to spend the night on Emily's sofa, as I had.

Sam motioned me outside and I plopped down on the porch, waiting to hear my fate.

"It's amazing, huh? This imprinting nonsense," Sam said his eyes to the stars. I watched his profile not sure how to respond, was this some sort of trap?

"Yeah," I replied lamely, fiddling with the cargo pockets on my shorts.

"I'm not going to freak out on you, Jared. Relax. I understand. You know I never thought I could want to be with someone more than, Leah, but this imprint thing—their like a drug. It's…" he looked around as if searching for the answer in the surrounding trees.

"Yeah," I didn't really know what to say about that. We had never talked about imprinting before, and definitely not Leah.

"Did you just forget her completely," I asked before I could stop myself. I had wondered for a long time.

"Not for a second, Leah was my life, I loved her more than well almost anything but the imprint…"

"Do you resent it? Do you wish you could undo it?" Again, thanks Jared for the stupid, inappropriate and personal questions.

"Could you resent Kim?" He said giving me a long side glance. "Jared, next time just come when we call okay? This could be life or death. I would never ask you to choose between your brothers and your… Kim. But if she's safe and everything is okay then you have to do your duty."

"I don't know if she's ever safe man but I'm really sorry, Sam."

"I know man. Maybe with this Embry kid and Jake we can have an easier workload, but for now…" he trailed off.

"Maybe."

"When are you going to tell her?" It was a fair questions, I had asked him more than enough personal questions for the night.

"I don't know. She's had a really rough life. I don't know if she's ready for this…. Actually, I'm kinda scared she's going to be mad at me. I told her I loved her and she got mad at me, who knows what she'll do about being a wolf," I chuckled but it sounded bitter and I stopped myself.

The clock in Emily's kitchen came in at just past eleven, I had an hour before it was too late to see her.

"You're a really good guy, Jared. I'm happy I know you," Sam said simply.

"I'm happy to know you too," I said feeling all warm and fuzzy, but getting even more antsy to leave and be next to Kim.

"See you tomorrow, Jared," he smirked and waved me off.

"What about patrol?"

"Don't tell Paul," he swinked and I shouted my thanks without a look back.

I heard her sobs before I reached the door and I launched myself through the tree and into her open window before I could think it through.

"Kim, baby. Don't cry, I'm so sorry," I said throwing myself at her mercy.

She looked down at me, kneeling at the foot of her bed in frozen shock. Her eyes were hugely puffy, and her face was red, but her beauty still shone through so strongly I felt my stomach twist.

"i'm sorry I'm late and-" She placed her hand over my mouth, effectively stopping me from uttering another word.

She grabbed my hands which were resting together as if I were praying, and pulled me up on the bed. I lie on my side, examining her closely, so desperate to speak I was almost popping, but I could see she wasn't ready so I didn't.

She grabbed my arm and unfurled it to maker herself pillow, and then she took my other free arm and wrapped it around the indent of her waist.

She stared at me the entire time, but her eyes were blank, not cold, but empty. I couldn't stand it anymore I had to speak.

"I'm sorry about this afternoon maybe we should have waited—"

"I'm not," she said flatly her eyes still focused on mine. "Jared, I still don't really know what you want, but if it was sex you could have had that weeks ago and been gone… I trust you," those words, which didn't generally mean that much between friends made my heart swell huge and hot.

"I love you," I whispered. My thumb traced her beautiful cheekbone and I inhaled so sharply I was assaulted with an overwhelming wave of her smell. She exhaled deeply and a hot tear dropped on my thumb.

"I'm sorry," I apologized automatically .

"No. Don't. It's not you. You didn't do anything," she sighed her eyes closed tight.

"I called Matty's aunt in Port Townsend," Kim said cautiously.

"Matty's aunt?"

"Yeah. Matty has a different father than I do," she said quietly, moving closer and nuzzling her face into my chest.

I had guessed a while back that they had different fathers, but I didn't question it because her dad seemed to be an off-limits topic. All I knew was that she hadn't seen him in eleven years and from the age difference between her and Matty it didn't seem to add up.

Also, the fact that if you didn't see them together, where it was so evident that they were deeply in sibling-love, you wouldn't have known they were related. His hair was curly and medium brown, while hers was bone straight and black,. Matty's skin was light and slightly pink, which clashed with her dark earthy tan.

"Okay," I said flatly, feeling my stomach tighten.

Was she moving away? Leaving me here in La Push? She had to know I would follow her; I couldn't let her leave me. She started to shake against me and I felt her hot tears soaking through the thin fabric of my shirt.

"Sh-she's going to come get him after Christmas," she whispered.

"Get him?" My stomach dropped again. My Matty? My little guy?

"Yea-yeah," she sobbed, pulling away to look at me.

"Why?"

"Are you seriously fucking asking me that?" She asked putting more emphasis on 'fucking' than was necessary. "My mom's a fucking doped out whore! I can barely keep him clothed and fed. I can't give him homemade cookies and that Martha Stewart shit. God—god, Jared I've tried so hard, but it's not enough. I was being so selfish, Jared, oh god," she couldn't finish and I pulled her closer, resting my cheek on the top of her soft hair.

"So you're just going to let him go?" I asked after her sobs subsided. "How are you going to deal with that?"

"It doesn't matter how I'm going to deal with it. He deserves a mom, a real mom! Not a druggy or some fucked up teenage mom-substitute with emotional issues and no time to baby him and love him the way he deserves. I should be making him a costume!" She howled, her fist beating against my chest. Her fist didn't hurt, but the grief in her voice cut me deep.

"Kim, no one expects you to do everything, you are doing a great job. He adores you," I said grabbing her ball up hand and kissing her fists.

"You know it wasn't always like this? My mom, she wasn't always like this. When I was a kid, I used to wish that something big and exciting would happen. I used to write little fairytale stories where I was taken away and held hostage, my life was so normal."

She didn't speak again for a long time, her breathing was hot and soothing on my chest.

"I love her. My mom, you know? She used to read to me and sometimes we would make cookies to-too," she broke down then and the tears were so heavy, so thick I was queasy. It hurt so bad to see her like this.

"Kim, please," I begged, rubbing her back and feeling as if someone had ripped out my heart and smashed it. My eyes were tearing, a combination of seeing the reason for my existence in such despair and the crushing realization that my little buddy would soon be gone.

"I'm sorry. You don't need to hear this," she said pulling away.

When she saw the tears in my eyes she stopped, examining me so closely I started to feel self-conscious.

I hated doing it, looking away from her, but I did, burying my face in the pillow and embarrassingly wiping the tears away. Her tiny hands pulled at my face, forcing me to face her again.

She kissed me, softly brushing her lips against mine.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly, closing my eyes as she continued to hold my face. "I'm supposed to be here for you. I'm sorry."

"You love me."

It wasn't a question. I opened my eyes and hers here burning into me with something I couldn't read. It wasn't like her lust or her passion, but it had the same intensity. I liked it, much more than the others.

"Yeah, I do."

She kissed me again, soft and gentle, but it was interrupted by another torrent of hot tears. I rolled her over, cradling her to my chest, whispering 'I love yous' in her ear as she cried herself to sleep.