Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Chapter 12: Uncertainty

Bella's POV

I walked into the school on Monday at 7:25. Headmaster Matthews had left a message at the apartment the previous afternoon asking me to be in his office at 7:30. I was assuming there was another disgruntled parent. I dropped my things in my classroom before heading to the office. I said hi to the secretary, Ms. Cope, then took a seat to wait. A tall, slender brunette with glasses exited his office and took a seat a few chairs from me. She looked to be around my age.

"The headmaster will see you now," Ms. Cope said. I smiled and walked into his office.

"Ms. Swan," he said. "Please have a seat."

"Good morning," I said as I sat.

"It is a good morning. We have a new teacher that will be taking over for Mr. Thomas next week. I wanted her to spend a few days observing others so she can get a feel for the place. Would you be willing to allow her to observe your class?"

"I'd be glad to. When did you have in mind?"

"Today." I blinked. Is he serious? That wasn't much of a notice. "Is that a problem?"

"No, sir. No problem. Is she here, or should I expect her later?"

"She's waiting in the front office. I was just meeting with her." He paused and leaned forward. "Ms. Swan, I do hope you show her how Mansfield Prep truly is. As you know we hold all of our teachers to a certain standard. We have rules and expectations that are to be adhered to. Please keep your…unorthodox ways to yourself. Her name is Angela Weber. That will be all." He turned to his computer, thus dismissing me.

"Have a good day, Headmaster Matthews." I stood and left his office. The woman was still seated. She looked up when I closed the door. "Angela Weber?"

"Yes," she said as she stood and extended her hand.

"Bella Swan." I grasped her hand and shook it. "Welcome to Mansfield Prep." She smiled. "Please follow me." I took her into my classroom. "The headmaster said you would be observing a few teachers. To his displeasure, today is my day. I must warn you." I placed my bag on my desk and pulled a chair over for her. "I'm not the picture perfect Mansfield Prep teacher. My teaching methods are not well received by the parents so take what I do with a grain of salt. I think Headmaster Matthews views me as the black sheep of the faculty, but please don't tell him I said that. I've already been warned to not corrupt you."

"I appreciate the head's up." We both laughed. She took a seat and pulled out her notepad and pen. "I'm not one to worry about other people's opinions so I think we'll get along."

"So Angela, tell me a little about yourself."

"I graduated from U of Washington with a Bachelor in Comparative Literature, student taught at a public school, and recently received my teaching license. I grew up in a small town a few hours from here and recently got engaged to my high school sweetheart, Ben."

"Congratulations. Do you have a picture?" I turned on my computer as she rummaged through her bag. "Here." I took the photo. "Oh! I know him."

"You do?" She looked confused.

"Well, sort of. He responded to an accident I was involved in a few weeks ago." She gasped and covered her mouth with her hand. "What?" I asked alarmed.

"You're the one that saved him. You honked." I blushed. Saying I saved him as an exaggeration. I didn't want to argue though so I just nodded. She shocked me next by pulling me into a hug. "Thank you." She pulled back and looked away sheepishly.

"You're welcome."

"Ms. Swan. I have a question about the book," Jason said from the door. I motioned him in and shifted my mind to teacher mode.

As the day progressed Angela and I became more comfortable together. I could see the two of us becoming friends. She and I were also tandem teaching. She had some great insight and challenging questions. The students also seemed to like and respect her. During my off period, I decided to text Edward. We had been texting frequently since the first one I sent him on Saturday.

*****

Alice stood and walked to the door after someone knocked. She, Bella, and Rosalie were watching a sappy romantic comedy is ode to the holiday. After the movie, she would go home to get ready for her date. Alice opened the door to find a young man holding a bouquet of orange, red, and yellow lilies and a wrapped box.

"Are you," he looked down at a clipboard, "Bella Swan?"

"No," she answered. "Bella!" She yelled out so Bella would hear her from the living room. She came to stand beside Alice.

"What is it?" she asked. The young man handed her the flowers and box.

"Happy Valentine's Day," he said as he turned to leave.

"Thank you," Bella called out to him. They walked back into the living room where Rosalie was waiting on the couch with the movie paused. Bella set the flowers on the coffee table and pulled off the card. She smiled and blushed when she read it.

"Read it out loud!" Alice whined impatiently. Bella handed it over, too embarrassed to say it out loud. "Beautiful Bella," she began. "I hope you enjoyed yesterday as much as I did. I woke this morning with you on my mind, and for the first time I regret working this holiday. I wish I could have given this to you myself. Have a wonderful evening. I know I will, since I'll have you on my mind. Happy Valentine's Day. Edward."

"Oh, Bella," Rosalie gushed. "He so totally wants to jump your bones."

"Rosalie Lillian Hale!" Bella exclaimed, her face a fierce shade of red.

"It's true. He's just a gentleman about how he says it." She looked unabashed about her statement. "The flowers are beautiful."

"They're my favorite."

"Isabella Marie Swan," Alice said. "He is smitten with you." Bella blushed again. "Open the box. I wanna know what else he sent."

Bella opened the box and pulled out a 4x6 piece of foam board. Orange lily petals were glued to look like the flower was growing out of the board. Also glued on were candy hearts, the ones with short cute messages written on them. The hearts spelt out a message, short, simple, and to the point. She read the message aloud.

"Cutie. Be mine. Text me. :)" Alice squealed and clapped in delight. Bella picked up her phone to do as asked.

Bella: I don't want to bother you at work but wanted to say thank you. They're beautiful.

Edward: You're very welcome. So, will you?

Bella: Will I what?

Edward: Be mine?

Bella: Yes. I'll be your Valentine.

*****

Bella: Ben's Angela is going to work with me. She teaches English too.

Edward: What a small world! How has your day been?

Bella: Great. Angela's observing my class. I really like her. She's going to be a fellow rebel. How is your day?

Edward: Better now that I've heard from you. I'm off today, so I'm going to run errands. Shopping, oil change, pay rent.

Bella: So you're domesticated! What a wonderful bit of info.

Edward: Haha. I can even do laundry and iron. The perfect Stepford husband.

Bella: Whoever gets you will be very lucky.

Edward: You're the leader of the pack so far. :)

I didn't know how to respond to that, so I didn't. I placed my phone back into my bag before starting to grade papers. These papers were making me proud. They had shown a turning point in most of my students. They were beginning to use a very critical eye and think outside the box, outside their parent's comfort zone. Seeing this gave me the warm fuzzies. It made up for all the parent-teach meetings and berating from Headmaster Matthews. This was proof I had not pushed them too far but rather just far enough.

The rest of the day went smoothly. Angela and I exchanged numbers with the intent to get together someday after school. I spent the time between school and my appointment with Jasper getting my burn redressed then waiting at Jasper's. I sat on the front porch swing using the time to think about the upcoming session. It was only my third, but I felt like we were moving quickly. The first session was draining I thought, until I had the second one. We had talked about Jacob. I had originally thought it would take weeks, if not longer, before I revealed anything significant. In reality, it had taken just two sessions. I had told him everything about Jacob.

*****

"Alright Bella," Jasper said, "let's talk about Jacob." He watched as her breathing sped up indicating the beginning of a panic attack. "Remember what we talked about. Take control of this. Count your breaths." She did as asked and brought her breathing back to a normal rhythm. "How about I start with what I know about Jacob?" She nodded. "You met Jacob when you were young.

"Your fathers are best friends which ensured you would meet. When you moved back to Forks you became close friends. After ten months, he asked you out, and you began a relationship. You were together until the summer before your sophomore year of college. Since then you have only returned to Forks a handful of times other than for holidays and Charlie's birthday. Yes?"

"That sounds about right."

"Tell me what I don't know." She shifted in the chair uncomfortably.

"Jacob wasn't nice."

"How?"

"He was at first. He was sweet, the epitome of a gentleman, for the first few months at least. Then things changed. He started questioning my whereabouts and friendships. It started out with little pushes and arm punches that could be seen as playful or hurtful. He never really understood his strength.

"One day he snapped. I told him I was going to U of Seattle. He accused me of not loving him and slapped me. I told him he was being ridiculous, which caused him to get even more angry. That's the first time he left a bruise. He punched my left eye.

"I was a very clumsy person so bruises were easy to make up cover stories for. I tried to leave him a few times, most landed me in the hospital."

Jasper sat listening, trying to control his anger. Bella needed him to be strong, to listen, and to do his job. His guess at abuse had been right. It was something he had dealt with on multiple occasions. No case was ever the same and none was less important than the other, but it hurt worse coming from a friend.

"That's not all," Bella whispered. "The abuse was nothing compared to that one night four years ago."

*****

I shook my head to clear the thoughts of last Thursday's session. It had been exhausting. I was sure today's wouldn't be much easier. I knew we would talk about Edward today after the coffee shop fiasco as I had began referring to it. I wonder if we'll get to another topic today. As that thought came, Jasper drove up in the driveway. He got out shaking his head as he jogged to the porch.

"Bella, you are going to freeze to death one of these days," he said as he unlocked the door. "I showed you where the hidden key was. Use it next time. It's warmer inside."

"I was okay," I answered as I went inside. "I like the porch swing. I should get one." He just laughed. I took a seat while he went about his routine of taking his stuff to his room and grabbing two water bottles.

"So, Edward seemed nice." I laughed. It seemed there would be no beating around the bush today. We spent about fifteen minutes talking about the new developments with Edward and what I was looking to make of the situation. Jasper had always been easy to talk to, and we were close. He had always been my confidant. After last session, I felt even more comfortable telling him things. Soon he shifted the topic to Phoenix. "Let's talk about Phil trying to teach you baseball."

"Okay. Well, he was going to try, but we never got around to it." I felt my heart rate pick up and my breathing became labored. I could feel the panic attack coming and started counting my breaths. I got it under control quickly. Jasper smiled at me and nodded for me to continue. "It was a Friday. Phil had been trying to convince me to give baseball a chance. I warned him I could be dangerous if he gave me a baseball and bat. He always laughed and said I would just have to try.

"He had invited three of his teammates over to help teach me the basics of the game. The next day we were going to watch a Diamondbacks game then on Sunday we were going back to practice with them on the field. I was actually looking forward to it, even if I wouldn't admit it to Phil. I didn't want to get his hopes up because I knew I would suck at it.

"His teammates arrived an hour before he and Renee got home. They were drunk. I let them into the living room; I was going to finish my homework and wait for them in my room. I didn't get that far.

"They decided I needed to be a good hostess and…entertain them. Izzy Bear, don't cry. Toughen up. You'll appreciate this later. I promise."

"Then what?" he whispered. I could feel the tears gathering at the corners of my eyes. I couldn't say it. I didn't know how to, so I stood up slowly. "Bella?" I held up a finger to silence him. I looked away not wanting to see the disgust in his face. I scrunched up my face, closed my eyes, and pulled up my shirt to show my stomach. There were scars where they had cut me. I heard his sharp intake of breath. "Bella, what is that from?" I should have known he would make me say it. I sat on the edge of the chair after I dropped my shirt. It was silent for a while. I was trying to build up the courage to say it.

"They cut me with one of their knives." I couldn't look at him. "The longest two are from the first time. It went on for a year."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Disgusting. Repulsive. Weak. Cowardly." It was how I felt, how I'd felt since the day it happened.

"Bella, why do you feel such negativity should be attributed to you?"

"Because it's my fault. I should have done something. I should have told someone."

"Why didn't you?"

"They said if I did, it would be worse the next time. I should have known that there would be no next time if I had told. I shouldn't have spent so much time and effort hiding it."

"Do you really believe being sixteen, scared, and hurt allows one to fully comprehend the situation?"

"Yes," I snapped. He quirked one eyebrow. I sat and thought about it. "Well, maybe not."

"Why disgusting and repulsive?"

"Look at me!" I yelled as I glared at him. "I look horrible. Those aren't the only scars. It wasn't the only time they cut me. If you could only see, you would understand. You should see my back. They kept a tally. No one would ever want me. The scars are nasty, and they're not only on the outside.

"I have emotional scars too. What they did to me hurt me in so many ways. I can't be near most men. I don't trust anyone. The one time I did, I let in someone they took advantage of my weakness and inflicted more pain on me than any of those…monsters did. Jacob wasn't the first person to do what he did, but it was worse because I trusted him."

"Say it."

"What?"

"Say what he did. You have to be able to say it to get past it." We sat there in tense silence for at least five minutes.

"Jacob wasn't the first person to…to-"

"You can do it." My breathing sped up and my vision narrowed. "Bella?" My chest tightened. I clutched at it and fell to my knees hoping to hold it together. I began counting my breaths, but they were coming too quickly. "Bella, look at me." I searched for his eyes; they were hard to see through the tears. He grabbed my right hand and held it to his chest. "Breathe with me." I could barely feel the rise and fall of his chest for my hand was shaking violently. My chest tightened even more. "Bella!" His voice was stern and raised. "Breathe with me…please." The emotion I heard on that last word struck me. My hand stilled slightly, and I started counting. Jasper counted with me. By the time I got my breathing under control, I had decided I wanted to say it. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of holding me down any longer.

"Jacob wasn't the first person…to…rape me."

We spent the rest of the session talking about the things those friends of Phil had done. Jasper helped me talk through not only my feelings about it but also why I felt that way. They had ruined me. I shouldn't look good to any man. Who would want something damaged and broken? I hadn't realized I said that last thought out loud.

"What about Edward?" Jasper asked quietly.

"What about him?"

"Do you think he wants you?"

"Well, he…it's just-"

"Bella, I want you to really think about this. If you were so damaged and broken, would Edward want you? I saw the way he looked at you at coffee. More importantly, I saw the way he looked at me at coffee. He did not like the idea of you being with someone else. According to Alice he thinks you're beautiful and wants you to be his." I just gawked at him. Alice had told! "Don't be so shocked. Alice is excited for you. She cares about you Bella and wants to see you happy. Edward makes you happy. You know her; she can't contain her excitement. Don't be upset with her."

"I'm not upset with her, and I don't know why I'm shocked. You're right, I should expect it. I'm not trying to hide it from you. I'm just worried you're going to…" I trailed off. I hadn't wanted to admit that just yet.

"What were you worried about? I need you to be honest with me. This won't work unless we're completely honest with each other."

"I was worried you'd tell me I shouldn't be getting into a relationship yet, that I'm not ready." I shifted in my seat uncomfortably.

"Do you think you're ready?" I should have known he would turn it around on me. He was great at getting me to do the talking and to think about things critically without interjecting his own opinion.

"Yes. As long as I take things slow, am honest with the person, and take things slow, I could do this." He chuckled at my repeated phrase.

"Slow sounds like a good idea." I smiled slightly. We ended the session reviewing the things Jasper wanted to keep a tab on: panic attacks and their triggers, how many times I had used the medicine, flashbacks, and dreams. "That's it for today. I want you to really think about today's session. Specifically, I want you to think about your thought of being damaged and broken. Are you really, or are you hiding? I don't mean hiding like a coward but hiding for safety. Lastly, think about Edward. Does he want you? If you were truly broken, could he want you?"

"Okay. So, Alice texted me today about a dinner party on Friday." He broke out into an apologetic grin. We stood and went to the door. I pulled my jacket on and my gloves out of my pocket.

"She's really excited. She's been going through all the games, pulling out the ones she wants to play. She's keeping it simple though, only inviting Rose and you. She wants y'all to bring someone along. Consider inviting Edward." I laughed.

"That would be throwing him to the sharks." I pulled the gloves on and fished for my keys in my purse. "I really like the guy, but would you all scare him off before anything can begin?" He shook his head.

"No. Alice and I have met him, and Alice likes him. Remember, she gave him permission to find you. I didn't get much out of him, but I did see the way he looked at you, as if he was mesmerized. Rose will be Rose, but he will have to get the approval sometime. Right?"

"Yes, you're right. I'll think about it. Do you want me to bring anything? I could make a dessert." He moaned.

"That would be wonderful. I love Ali's cooking, but I have to admit, nothing beats yours." I smiled and laughed.

"If there's something specific you want, give me a call."

I hugged him goodbye and left to go home. I never paid attention to the time when in a session. They were supposed to last an hour, but as I looked at the clock, I realized I had been in there close to two hours. I pulled into the apartment complex at 7:45. I felt completely drained. Today's session had been exhausting. I trudged up the flight of stairs and into the apartment. I sat down heavily on the couch. Rosalie came out of the kitchen and sat next to me. She had two plates of spaghetti. I took one and smiled at her gratefully.

"How was your session?" Rosalie asked. I found myself talking over my sessions with her each day. The more I talked about it with the Jasper, the more I needed to talk about it. I had been keeping something from my friends that defined me for too long. If I had a few people that I could trust enough to share my burden with, I could focus less on hiding and more on moving forward.

"Long," I answered. "It was exhausting. We talked a little more about Jacob, but," I paused, scared to finish the sentence, "we spent most of the time talking about Phoenix."

"Oh?" She raised an eyebrow.

"We talked about the scars."

"Are you talking about the ones on your stomach?" My eyes shot up to her. How did she know about that? I made sure not to change in front of people.

"How did you know?"

"I walked by your room one day when you were changing into pajamas. You had forgotten to close the door. I never said anything, because I figured you would tell me when you were ready. It's none of my business otherwise. I'm not a nosy bitch. Okay, maybe I'm a bitch." We both laughed. She turned on the television and we watched Walk the Line on CBS. Not ten minutes into the movie my cell phone began to ring.

"Thank you for dinner, Rose. I'm going to take this call then head to bed. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

"Hello." I answered without looking at the caller id as I carried my plate to the kitchen.

"Hello, Bella," a musical voice said from the other end of the line. I smiled.

"Hello Edward. Did you get all your errands done today?" I walked towards my room passing a snickering Rosalie causing me to blush.

"Um, well," he stuttered and I giggled. It was so cute when he was nervous. "I got most everything done. I needed to change the oil. I figured I could save some money by doing it myself. It didn't turn out like I thought it would."I fell back onto the bed.

"Edward, have you ever changed the oil before?" I tried to suppress my giggles.

"Not technically. I read how to do it. I figured it would be easier if I just tried to figure it out as I went. It was a little more complicated than I imagined. Stop laughing." I was rolling now. I never imagined Edward as the mechanic type. "At least I learned something from this experience."

"And what is that?"

"When something needs to be fixed, take it to a professional."

"I think that's a great idea." I kicked my shoes off and changed into pajamas.

"Bella, are you alright? You sound off."

"I'm exhausted. My day started out great. Angela observed my class today because she'll be taking over for another teacher in a couple of days. We got along great. I think we'll be great friends. We tandem taught the class today, and the students were really receptive and had some great insight.

"Then I had a meeting that ran long. It was really draining and taxing."

"I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?" I smiled as I pulled a pillow toward to me hug.

"You're doing it." There was a short pause.

"Well, I have a question for you. I told you I'd call and ask. May I take you on a date this week?"

"I would love to, but I actually have a proposal for you."

"What would that be?"

"Alice is having a dinner party on Friday. It's nothing big, just her, Jasper, Rosalie, and whoever she brings. I was wondering if you would like to go with me. Alice keeps talking about wanting you to come around, and Jasper said he would like to get to know you. Rose, well, Rose will be Rose. I can't promise she'll be nice, but she's genuine. You don't have to go. I just thought-"

"Bella slow down." I stopped at his words. "Do you want me to go?"

"Yes. I do."

"Then I would love to go."

"Really?" I couldn't stop smiling. I didn't want to push him into it. I wanted him to want to go. My friends were important to me; they were my family. I knew this came across to Edward during conversation so I was nervous. "O-okay. The dinner starts at six, and we're going to play games afterwards."

"If I pick you up at 5:30 will that give us enough time to get to Alice's?"

"Yes. That would be perfect. I am planning to take a dessert. What's your favorite dessert?"

"Hmmm. My favorite dessert would have to be vanilla bean cheesecake, but you don't have to go to the trouble. My mom says it takes a long time to make."

"It takes a while, but that happens to be my favorite dessert too. I have no problem making it." I looked over at the clock. "I hate to do this, but I really need to head to bed. I have an early morning tomorrow."

"No need to apologize. I know about early mornings all too well. Sleep well."

"You too. Goodnight." I hung up and plugged my phone it to charge.

I had a meeting with Headmaster Matthews at 7:15. He wanted a report about Angela and recap of what I had done. I felt as if I were walking on eggshells after my last paper that was published about learning through community service emersion. Most of my students' parents were not fond of the idea of serving others by means other than donation to charitable organizations. Hopefully my contract would get renewed at the end of the year.

AN: Sorry for it being unedited. Big thanks to PirateTink. She helped with this chapter. I hope Angela was a nice addition. Please let me know what you think. Review and I'll send you a sneak peek at the next chapter. It's the dinner party.