Chapter 13: Kim Cuts

I didn't go to school for six days after Halloween, I didn't want to see her. There's a thin line between love and hate, and with Kim that thin line was made of razor sharp glass that cut me every time I was near her. It was easier to run than to cling to her, waiting for the day that she catapulted me into oblivion. I needed time away to clear my head.

I meditated, hiked, fished with Billy and even tried a bit of yoga with my aunt Lola but I still thought about her constantly, and not just her, but the imprint. Legends dictate that the bond of the imprint was the strongest in the world, so what kind of life was I going to live when I couldn't be with her? And I had all of eternity to live.

Harvest Festival our replacement for Thanksgiving, came around without my usually anticipation, I didn't have the energy to be excited about anything anymore. My family usually hosted the festivities, but this year was just going to be the three of us because my aunt and her husband were going to North Dakota to visit his family.

I usually prepared everything with my mom for days before, but with two leeches dancing around our turf I had extra patrol. For hours we ran as a pack through the woods after the two blood suckers who obviously had some business to attend to in town.

I heard Sam's howl as I was chopping onions, a task so unbearable now that I had super astute senses, I was happy to bail on my mom. She kissed me as I rushed out the door. It was nice and cool outside, the smell of decaying leaves was potent and I phased as soon as I was under cover of the trees.

Phasing had become so much easier in the last month, I could do it in under a minute, and without provocation, although lately the thought of Kim did make my hands tremble when I wasn't expecting it.

I was living in waves, days where everything was Kim and I couldn't bare being away from her, and clusters of time where the very thought of her made me angry. Those days were easier to deal with, anger is a much more manageable emotion, although my anger was really superficial, skimming the surface of my depth of emotions for Kim.

Just don't! Stop, stop with this Kim sob story already! Paul's thoughts filled my mind and I tried to brush them off, inhaling deeply and waiting to get a whiff of leech.

You don't know what you're talking about man, you haven't imprinted. I had said this too many times in the last two weeks. I knew he was just trying to be a good friend though, he didn't like seeing me unhappy.

Aww, of course not bro. I love ya. And okay, I mean this in the least homosexual way possible but you're sorta hot. You can definitely find better Have you seen her friend Mindy?

Shut up, Paul! Just leave him alone. Sam was trying to be authoritative, but with the inappropriate, however oddly hilarious flashing images of Mindy that Paul kept sharing, it was difficult.

Okay… Mindy George half naked in public bathroom… what exactly did I miss? Embry asked as he joined the pack mind from the other side of town.

The red head, she's coming in from the north. We need to cut her off. Embry, Jared you head east and me and Paul will come down on her from the west. Sam was getting better at this, when I first joined him it was like the blind leading the blind, but he was gradually learning to fill the role.

She outran us, as she had for weeks, the petite little freaky-stone-bitch was tricky. It was a fruitless mission and it took two hours from my a food filled holiday and quality time with my mom, about the only thing that was curing my Kim blues, so I came home majorly ticked off. The sentiment was shared by Kim, who was waiting for me with blazing eyes that burned holes into my skin.

"Where is he?"

"What are you talking about?" I didn't want to look at her, so I stared down at her shoes.

They were those weird boot things girls were wearing all the time, uglies or something like that. They were the only warm thing she was wearing, and although I was worried about her getting sick, I couldn't help but let my eyes wander up her tanned legs that were exposed under a short jean skirt.

I didn't understand the style, girls wearing winter boot, but summer skirts, but on Kim with her firm sexy legs… I had to stop myself there, my lust for Kim was not going to distract me now.

"Matty. I know he's here, Jared. He has nowhere else to fucking go," she came closer, forcing me to look in her eyes. I was relieved to see they were angry, I needed her to be angry or I was going to break down. This was the closest I had been to her for a long time and I could feel her ropes pulling me in.

"I haven't seen him, Kim. Do you want me to help look for him?" I couldn't help but offer my assistance.

"No, I don't want you anywhere near him! You're the reason he's so mad! You filled his head with this leave it to Beaver shit, now he thinks you're going to adopt him. You can't put thoughts like that into a little boys head. What's wrong with you?" I wish it didn't hurt so much when she screamed at me like this but it did. Everything she did hurt. I needed her approval and not living up to her expectations was killing me.

I wasn't enough. Sam scarred Emily for life and she was entirely devoted to him, it had to be some sort of sign, a sign that I was not worthy of imprinting. Maybe this whole thing was some sort of sick cosmic joke. Or an incentive to be better, but the truth was with Kim bruising my ego at every turn, she wasn't so much of a prize anymore.

"Everything. Everything's wrong with me. I'm an asshole and an idiot, everything I ever do is wrong and-and what else? What else do you want me to say, Kim? I give up. I'm not going fight with you anymore. I'm done, so just tell me what you want me to say."

"Nothing. I have nothing more to say to you, just give me my brother and stay away from us."

"I don't have him!" I screamed flailing my arms.

She was insane, clinically insane, I finally realized what Paul was saying in the beginning, I had in fact imprinted on a sociopath. What did she think I was hiding him in my cargo shorts? My door slowly creaked open and I turned to see my mother's apprehensive face peeking out at us.

"Kim dear, do you mind coming in here for a second?" She asked politely.

"Is he in there with you?" Her rude voice made me even more furious but my mom was casual when she responded.

"Yes he is, so why don't you come in," my mother said kindly motioning for her to enter. Kim huffed and shuffled in. I was trembling, shaking so hard I had to grab hold of a tree bark next to me to stay calm. My mother whispered back at me before she re-entered the house. "Take as much time as you need, baby."

I counted my breaths and when I got to thirty-seven I had completely stopped vibrating. I walked back slowly, still breathing deeply. I could hear Kim inside and her voice had gone down an octave so I was more confident in my ability to keep from bursting out of my skin.

I thought I was safe, but once I got closer I heard her crying. I still couldn't handle her crying, not matter how angry I was with her I couldn't stand knowing she was hurt.

"He hates me. I tried so hard and he hates me," she sobbed. I thought at first she was talking about me, but then I realized she didn't care if I hated her so it must be Matty.

"He doesn't hate you honey, he's just upset. He's a little boy, he doesn't understand the sacrifice, the love behind it. He will though. One day, honey, when he's your age he's going to realize you did it all for him," My mother's voice floated soothing from the kitchen table.

Mom was calm and collected, and I wished I could be too, but standing with my back against the door, feeling her pull, hearing her crying, it was torturous. I wanted to bust in and save the day but knew Kim didn't want to have this conversation with me.

"I'm not though. I'm such a bad person Mrs. Cameron, I want him to have a good life, I do, but that's not the only reason I'm sending him away, and I'm just so terrible. I don't deserve this, Mrs. Cameron you shouldn't be so nice to me," Kim was full out wailing now and my feet instinctively brought me closer to her.

"Oh, baby. Come here. Come here, a hug isn't going to hurt you… yeah that's right, just cry it all out. Cry out all of that nonsense. You are a beautiful, smart, responsible girl. You're not a bad girl!" My mother insisted pulling her into a tight embrace.

"But I-I—"

"I know honey. I know. Of course you aren't sending him away only for his own good. Honey, of course part of this is for you, but isn't about time you did something for you? You've spent the last nine years of your childhood being a mommy. How unfair is that? I can't even imagine all of the things you missed out on. Oh, Kim darling, don't cry so much, your day will come. Everyone's day comes eventually," her sobs were so loud, so powerful my stomach knotted.

"I don't deserve those things, part of me thought that if I sent Matty away I could have a normal life. I wouldn't have to work four days a week, and maybe I could make new friends and even date, but," she paused, and I was thankful because my heart was beating so fast and strong I was afraid it might burst out of me.

Kim wanted to date, she wanted to go on dates with boys that weren't me, that hurt almost as much as hearing her cry. I had had very strong suspicions that she didn't want me, but this was solid proof, she was saying it straight out. I wasn't breathing, I was frozen so enthralled in the conversation that I didn't realize Matty was standing next to me, listening. He was crying too.

He had heard it all, probably the worst thing to hear for him right now—his sister was sending him away so she could live happily. I went to pick him up but he dashed out the door in a second flat.

I heard Kim start speaking again but I was running so fast it was barely a murmur.

I found Matty sitting under a tree in front of the Clearwater's house. Like me he wasn't wearing a coat, but unlike me he wasn't 110 degrees. I sat on the ground next to him and pulled him into my lap and wrapping my arms around him snuggly.

"I love you Jared." If he had said it at any other time it would have been heartwarming, but at this very second it was the most heartbreaking thing I could hear.

In my weeks of trying to win over Kim, it seems I won her brother instead. Kim would never love me, but the gods had given me the consolation prize of her adorable kid brother, who loved me just as I was.

"I love you too, Matty," I kissed his hair and tried unsuccessfully to blink away the tears. I didn't want to cry in front of him twice, not a great male role-model.

"Jared, I don't want to go," he whined, beating his little fist on my thigh.

"It's not that far, ya know? Port Townsend is just three hours away, Kim will come to see you, you know that little guy. And it's beautiful up there, you'll love it."

"Will you come to see me?"

"Yes, I promise. I will come see you once you are settled. But I'm sure you're going to be having so much fun you'll forget all about me," I joked holding him closer. "Are you cold?"

"No. Jared, you're like a bear," he said matter-of-factly.

"Oh, been hugging many bears lately?"

"No! But you're big and I think bears must be warm too."

"Well, you're probably right, but we should go back inside anyways. Kim must be upset, she probably wants to see you," I said standing and carrying him with me.

"I don't want to see her," he huffed, putting his hands on either side of my face.

"Come, on little guy she loves you and it's Thanksgiving, you should be with your family," I said as we rounded the corner.

"She doesn't love me, she hates me and you. We should run away together and leave Kim all alone because she's mean!"

"She doesn't hate you, she hates me, but not you. You're the most important person in the world to her, I promise,"

"You guys aren't going to get married anymore are you?" He asked sadly.

"Nope, probably not," I said honestly, patting his head.

"You can marry Paul," he said smiling.

I blinked a few times, examining him before I spoke. Was he joking? How exactly should I approach a conversation about gay marriage with a nine year old? Paul and I wouldn't, but I didn't see why two guys shouldn't, if they liked that kinda thing.

"Paul, huh? Well, he's not really my type," I joked as we turned onto my block.

"Matty!" Kim voice was so filled with love it hurt me even more. She ran to us and went to grab him from me but he wasn't having it, holding onto my neck for dear life.

"Don't touch me!" Matty screamed, flailing his arms as she tried to hold him.

"Matty, we have to go home, so just—"

"I don't have a home, cuz you're kicking me out!" He screamed now trying to kick at her.

Her face was so pained I felt a tear well up in my eye, I restrained him with one hand, while my other instinctively reached for her face, she dodged it.

"Matty, please! I rented your favorite movies, and I got some milk duds to put in the popcorn. We can go home and talk about this okay?"

"I don't want to talk to you. I hate you!" She grabbed her stomach as if he had kicked her square in the gut and I grabbed her shoulder, forcing her to look at me. I forgot all about being mad at her, about the pain of her rejection, it didn't really matter when she was hurting so bad. I ran my finger through her hair and she leaned into my hand, her cool cheek resting on my palm.

"Why don't you all come inside, huh? Dinners ready, we—" My mom called from the doorway.

"I don't want her here!" Matty wailed and I put him down, allowing him to run to my mom. He was causing Kim so much pain it wasn't safe for me to hold him. My hand was still resting on her face, my thumb being assaulted with her warm tears. She pulled away, turning to face my mom.

"Come on dear, he'll come around once he's had a good meal," my mom said motioning for Kim to come inside. She looked at me, and then shook her head.

"No it's alright, it's probably better to just give him some time. I'll pick him up later, if you don't mind." Kim's voice was different, it wasn't the ultra-polite voice she put on with strangers, and it wasn't the cold cruel Kim she was with me, it warm, almost caring. I felt a pang of jealousy so powerful I almost glared. It was how I dreamed she would talk to me, with caring, with love.

"Oh, Kim, I wish you would stay. But if you want to give him some time why don't you pick him up in the morning, I could take him off your hands for the night," my mom offered kindly.

"He'd probably love that, thank you," she said, turning away from my house, giving me one quick glance and hurrying down the road. My shoulders sagged and I made to walk up the stairs but my mom stopped me.

"Go after her, Jared."

"She doesn't want me, mom," saying it out loud hurt even more.

"Jared, that girl needs someone right now. If she doesn't want you as a boyfriend, she sure as hell needs you as a friend. If you love her then that's the least you can do for her."

"I'm tired of being there for her. Every time I am she just shits on me more. I can't handle it."

"Then you don't deserve her," my mom said coldly. I stared at her for a long time, my mom had never said anything like that to me before.

"Yeah, I know I don't," I said defeated.

"What has happened to my little boy? You would never have given up so easily," the disappointment in her voice put me over the edge, I turned down the road and walked away. I didn't really have anywhere to go, so after four rounds clockwise and counterclockwise around La Push, I made my way back to my old haunting grounds. I watched her from the side window as she lay in the living room, with a bag of popcorn watching Spiderman.

I gave in after about fifteen minutes of watching through the glass. I slipped in her front door removed my shoes and sidled next to her on the couch. She didn't look up to see me, she didn't flinch, and she didn't speak, but she snuggled into my chest as if she had known it was me.

She offered me some popcorn and I took it, finding an interesting mix of popcorn, milk duds and peanuts. When the movie finished, although I hadn't been watching it at all, she finally turned to me.

"Jared."

"Yes?"

"I was wrong. I need you. Right now," she whispered.

"I'm here," I croaked, as her hand trailed down my chest. She threw her leg over me, straddling me completely, her hot breath on my ear.

"Make me forget," she breathed before her tongue flicked my ear lobe. Without thought, without contemplating what it meant for us I flipped her over, slamming her against the couch and landing between her legs. She still wearing the short jean skirt and I could feel her warmth against my hard on.

I put my hand between us feeling her wetness. I pushed her panties aside as she pushed down my shorts, and I was inside of her. I was inside of her feeling so very peaceful and yet so dirty. This was what she needed from me, all she wanted of me and I should have been happy, it was every man's dream, sex with no strings.

Unfortunately I wasn't every man, I wanted love and companionship and all of that fluffy shit. I couldn't stop myself though, because there was still a huge part of me that would do anything Kim wanted me to do. As I shot off inside of her, feeling her body shake and convulse under me, the cold empty feeling it left me with was unbearable. I pulled out and sat up, my hands covering my face.

"Jared?" Her hands crept around my neck and I shied away.

"Don't," I choked.

I was going to cry soon. I needed to get out of here, I needed to stop being such a bitch, crying whenever things with Kim didn't go my way. I needed to accept this as it was, the purpose of imprinting was to create more wolves, well we didn't need to hold hands and cuddle for that.

"What's wrong?" she asked standing up and adjusting her skirt to cover herself.

"Nothing." I cursed my voice for cracking.

"Look at me. Jared." I looked at her, looked her dead in the eye, taking deep breaths as she examined me. "Jared, if you don't want to do this anymore," she pointed at herself then at me, "then you don't have to, you know that right?"

"I want whatever you want," it was a bold-faced lie, but I knew it was what she wanted to hear.

"Then why are you crying?"

"I'm not crying," I said quickly.

"Then why are you upset?" she countered.

"I'm not."

"Jared, don't bullshit me," she said, placing her tiny hand on my knee.

"I'll be whatever you want me to be, Kim. I just wish you—" No. There was no way I was going to finish that sentence. I had to get out of here before I showed her exactly how much a pussy I really was.

"Jared! What do you want from me?"

"I don't want this. I don't want to be used like sex therapy. I want you to talk to me, to care about my feelings, to confide in me. I want to know you, really know you. I want you to love me, Kim."

"I'm sorry, I don't have it in me. This is it—this is all that I have to give," she said sniffling.

"I need more."

"I know. I hope you find it," she walked to my side, grabbing my hand and kissing my palm three times before she dropped it and looked away. "You're a really nice guy, I'm sorry for everything. Some girl is going to be so fucking lucky to have you."

"I can't you know, I can't be with someone else—it's you, Kim. Everything is you. I love you," I was digging myself in deeper every time I spoke. How could she love me, I was so weak, close to begging at her feet.

"How can you stand there after everything and say you love me? Jared this is crazy! You need to step back and think. Think, Jared! I'm a crazy, emotional, rude, spiteful, selfish whore! That's me, that's who I am, I'm never going to make you happy. So snap the fuck out of it! Whatever this is, get over it."

"I can't! I tried! This isn't my choice—"

"Then whose is it? Mine? I'm telling you, Jared to go away! I don't want you!" And there it was, she had cut me loose, leaving me drifting in oblivion.