Chapter 14: Kim's Slips

December 17th 3:17pm

"Jar-head, look man, it's been two months of fucking moping. We aren't doing this anymore, kay? You're a young, attractive man, free of all obligations. Come to a party with me tonight. Whattaya got to lose?"

"Fine, sure, why not?" Famous last words.

Last day of school before Christmas break, standing against the back of the high school. I agreed to attend a party that completely obliterated the tiny bit of peace I had built since Kim cut me out of her life a month earlier.

*:*

In the month following our break-up I was filled with a mission for self improvement and self control. I would not go anywhere near her, unless she asked me to and I would not give in to my temptation to beg her to give me another chance—she didn't want me and I didn't need her.

It was easier to pull myself away from Kim than I had expected because after the second blow-out, the Wicked Witch of the West was avoiding me too.

I was staying strong, playing the role of a tough independent man. I threw myself into work, werewolfing was my life now because I didn't need Kim for that. I did it before Kim (a time I liked to call BK) and I would be doing it forever after (AC: After Confrontation).

I started patrolling nightly and I filled in for Embry a lot, he had become a hermit, straying from the pack, trying desperately to reconnect with his friends and pretend nothing happened. I tried to take a page out of his book but it wasn't happening; you can't forget the reason for your existence even if she was a raging bitch.

Sam was particularly supportive during the AC era, keeping me busy with patrol, hiking and even baking with Emily, who I loved but tried to avoid because her pitying eyes were hard to handle in big doses. Emily did her part too, buying me a Word-of-the-day calendar that was truly influencing my daily communication, oh the power of words.

School became easier eventually, the first few days AC were unbearable, but Paul and I started hanging out before school, during lunch and after hours, and it helped. We didn't speak much and he never brought up Kim, something I was subsequently appreciative for. He could be an ass, but overall he was a good guy, my best friend in the world really.

No one talked about Kim actually, it was like an unspoken rule and I lived for it. I couldn't handle talking about her. Just thinking about her was painful enough and my dreams were the worst— filled with so much Kim I was left even emptier by morning.

After Thanksgiving I saw Matty on a secret schedule, trying to tip-toe around Kim's working hours. As Christmas drew closer I started to wonder when he would be gone, I didn't think it was in good taste to ask him, but I wasn't sure I would be allowed to say goodbye if it was up to Kim. I went back to the old fall back of Kim-hating, much easier than Kim-pining.

I made quite a laundry list of complaints against her now and from the looks her friends Mindy and Crystal threw me, she had vilified me as well.

(Sunday November 29th- Vilified: to utter slanderous or abusive statements against; defame.)

I didn't really care what slutty Mindy or Crystal the idiot who repeated 6th grade, said or did to me, they were inconsequential. Though I didn't quite understand why their eyes, which blazed on me with so much odium and disgust, I sometimes fear they were planning an attack.

(Thursday December 3rd- Odium:hatred and condemnation accompanied by loathing or contempt; detestation.)

I now had a healthy love affair with Gossip Girl, a show filled with so much stimulation I could blissfully forget about Kim for an hour. I really thought the party would be a good solution, a way to get back into society. Little did I know one four hour event would send everything in my life into a shit storm of well… shit.

*:*

December 17th 7:03pm:

"Hey bitch face, open the door unless you want me flying through your window," Paul called at the front.

"It's open," I shouted from the kitchen.

Paul came at almost 7 on the dot, he was much happier about this party than any one person should be. He was driving his dad's mid-life crisis car, a vintage yellow T-bird, I could smell the pine freshener on his leather jacket.

He was smiling widely until he saw me. Paul was a bit of a perfectionist and much like girls preparing for a night on the town, he was not about to let me out of the house dressed in what I had originally planned.

"What the fuck dude, you seriously expect to get laid wearing that?"

"No, not really expecting to get laid," I mumbled still working my way through a huge sub sandwich. If it weren't for the fact that I dropped a huge glob of mayonnaise on the front of my shirt I probably wouldn't have allowed it, but I was a slob and slobs apparently must be punished.

If this was a movie, there would have been a montage with an apparently fashionable Paul forcing me to try on a barrage of outfits until he settled on a black zip up, long holey jeans and an uncomfortably tight tee from the pre teen-werewolf days.

I didn't know the people throwing the party and I was more than likely not going to know anyone there so I didn't mind when Paul insisted on using my mother's hair products to push my now ear-length hair into a very Italian gangster kind of slick back. After he ate half of the contents of my fridge we were out, Paul allowing me behind the wheel so he could pre-game with a joint.

With our new werewolf heat, alcohol was pretty much useless but marijuana still does the trick. When we parked the car in the closest spot, he passed me the hand rolled joint.

"Smoke it," he demanded, pushing the little white nub in my hand. I stared down at it for a while before he spoke again, "You're wasting it!" he sang in a sing-song voice much like a female opera singer.

"I don't know how," I admitted and he chuckled, uncoordinatedly pushing my hand to my lips and subsequently the joint.

"Now inhale," he said in a chipper ring, and I smiled at him.

If I could have one night as happy as he was right now, I was going for it. I inhaled, held it in as I had seen on countless movies and coughed for two minutes before I could do it again. When I started to feel gooey we hopped out and ushered me to the door.

"You are so going to get some tonight." Oh how I wish he were wrong.

*:*

Since the moment I laid eyes on Kim my world changed. So you're saying, yeah, duh, Jared you imprinted! But it didn't just change, it morphed, everything was affected. My listening was more attuned, or attuned to her, I was so in sync with her heartbeat I could pick it up in a huge crowd. My sense of smell heightened, I mean I can smell her from literally a mile away and if my senses hadn't been impaired that extra connection with her could have really helped me, but I digress...

My vision though, it became clouded, only with women though. So I can't actually tell you what she looked like, the girl I cheated on Kim with, if it could be called cheating when the girl you were "cheating" on made it perfectly clear she didn't want anything to do with you. But again, I have strayed… I can't tell you the exact color of her hair or eyes, or if she had freckles of a gap in her teeth, I can't tell you any discernible physical features, but I can tell you she was kind.

Her name was Veronica. She asked me many questions and took a real interest in my answers. She smelled nice, nothing as good as Kim, but her mix of cinnamon and vanilla was nice and nonthreatening just like her. That was not a quality I thought about before Kim, sweet, not confrontational, not threatening, but with Veronica, even though I couldn't tell you a thing about her appearance (other than the fact that she had a dangerous curve in her back that led to a firm butt) it was enough.

Everything gets really blurry after 10. I can't recall exact details, probably because I slammed countless beers, trying to beat my bodies heat with the speed of my consumption and the fact that I smoked two hits from a massive bong—a device I had never seen in person until that night. But I can tell you the exact moment Kim walked into the room, the exact moment her heartbeat sped and probably exactly how much alcohol she consumed by the change in her smell.

If you look back into the history of our relationship it's really just marred with a series of misunderstandings and bad timing, and this particular occasion did not disappoint.

*:*

December 17th 10:20pm:

When you're high, buzzed on enough alcohol to take out a 700 pound gorilla and in a poorly lit room with bad music and a bunch of strangers, you would be surprised at just how little self control you have.

Honestly, the pot and the alcohol aside, I always thought I was a pretty level headed guy, whose mother taught him extraordinary respect for women. That didn't ring true when all the outlying factors were stacked against me.

Veronica felt nice, too thin, not sturdy and toned like Kim, more breakable almost, but she still felt nice. Kissing her, her body arching into me with desire, was so much easier than anything I ever had with Kim. Everything she did proved she wanted me, the way she spoke, the way she was constantly leaning into me, how her hands rested on my forearms whenever I said something funny, although I wasn't really feeling very funny. It was all so easy, so uncomplicated, so not like Kim, who my interactions with were constantly changing like a choreographed dance.

I had her firmly planted against a wall, a full feet off the ground, one of her legs wrapped securely around my waist, and she was loving it. She wanted me, she liked me. In my defense little Jared wasn't hard like he probably should have been… but I was thoroughly distracted which is why I didn't smell her lime coconut aroma, mixed with at least a half a liter of hard liquor. Why I didn't hear her steady heartbeat as she walked in the room, stalling momentarily before doubling up.

"Let's go, Kim," Crystal's voice rang through my ears.

Her name was like a slap in the face, I turned around so quick that I forgot about Veronica, dropping her a foot to the ground. Mindy and Crystal and their mean friend with the weird hair surrounded Kim like and army. Weird hair girl, a recent addition to the crew giggled manically, staring down at Veronica who was now sprawled on the floor. I turned around again offering her my help, but Paul was already at it, dusting her off and taking particular care in the area of her ass.

The whole thing would have been funny, if Kim's body wasn't in overdrive, her heart and breathing accelerating as she watched me.

"Come on, Kim," Mindy said winking at Paul, before she pulled at Kim. Kim stood solid, firmly planted, her eyes meeting mine for the first time. And I knew then, I knew for certain that not one damn thing had changed for me, she was still the very center, the very core of my existence.

With pained eyes she lifted the bottle in her left hand to her lips and I got a whiff of its burning scent before she downed it, throwing the empty bottle on the nearest table.

"I'm not leaving, I just got here," she called, back as she made her way to a small group of dancers in the living room. Without a look back she grabbed Jeremy Sullan and rubbed her ass rhythmically against him to mind numbing music.

"Is that your girlfriend," Veronica asked standing with Paul behind me.

"Ex," Paul informed her, punching my back hard.

"Not for him," Veronica said her tiny hand grabbing mine. "Good luck with her, Jared. She's pretty," she said kissing my hand and walking away.

"Long time no see, Horn," Jeremy had his hand wrapped around Kim's front, resting dangerously low on her hips.

"Yeah, too long, Sullan," she said turning in his arms and pulling him down for a kiss.

I would have thought that seeing Kim with another guy, grinding, touching, kissing, would have killed me. That the very sight of her desiring, wanting someone the way I wished she would me, would make me explode. It didn't, it hurt but it didn't even make me shake, I was still to wrapped up in her eyes. What did they mean?

She didn't want me, she said it, she screamed it more than once. But why the look? Why the heartbeat? I wasn't that somebody, that someone was apparently Jeremy Sullan, the artsy-fartsy, sensitive type with the side swooping hair and too tight pants. I had spent weeks playing her words over and over in my head. "I don't want you", so what was with her eyes?

I watched numbly praying she would look at me again until Paul dragged me out of the front door.

*:*

With Kim feelings were always at extremes. With her I was either at an amazing high, relishing in unimaginable joy or the other extreme. The other extreme with Kim that was so unbearable I couldn't describe it merely as sadness.

This though, this was not that bad. On a scale of one to Kim saying she didn't want me, it was about a four, and I would have just brushed it off my back, moving on to live in my miserable floating state—but that wasn't the end of my night.

If that could have been the end of it all it would have been fine, acceptable, a small gash I could have put a band-aid over, instead of this gaping hole.

*:*

December 18th 12:36am:

"You think Sam would be pissed if we called him?" Paul asked, his red eyes and wide with laughter. We were about an hour outside of town, severely impaired and way more than incapable of driving a car anywhere.

"He'd kill us," I said flatly.

"Emmbbry!" Paul squealed fumbling through his pants pockets. "I didn't bring my cell," he said pouting dramatically.

I laughed, I couldn't help it. So the love of my life preferred dudes with girl pants and eyeliner, it wasn't the end of my life, my sex life maybe, but not my world. I did have a great pack, an amazing mom and superhero abilities to fall back on, these drugs were definitely giving me a new outlook on life.

"Yeah, Embry… totally," I agreed, leaning back against the car.

"Yeah, I know Embry, but how the fuck am I supposed to— Get in the car, Jared."

"Hell no, Paul. We'll live through a crash but your dad would kill you if you crash his car," I whined, rolling off of the roof of the car. I felt very lethargic, my legs moving a step behind what I thought they should.

"Jared, just get in the fucking car. You don't want to see this," he said opening the door and trying to push me inside.

I turned back to the house, and there she was in all of her stunning beauty, stumbling out of the house with stupid fucking girl-hair Sullan. My hands started to shake, and gripped so hard that the hood of the car crunched. Shit! Goddamnit, fucking piece of shit! AHHHHH!

*:*

The most important part of being a La Push werewolf, the most basic rule of our survival was always our secrecy. For generations before us the secret has been cherished and revered. Countless wolves before me taking the secret with them to the grave. And I could have to, if I had just controlled my emotions, which apparently was impossible when you are imprinted, which again adds to my theory that Imprinting was in fact the very fucking worse thing for wolves to do.

Again as I tell you this story I will try to reiterate, I am usually a very self controlled man. Growing up, I never peaked or shook my presents before Christmas day. When baking I never burned my fingers trying to grab at them before they were cooled down.

This night, just wasn't my night.

*:*

December 18th 12:36am:

"Shit!" No matter how loud he screamed the word it just didn't cover the magnitude of the situation. Me in full wolf form, Paul completely hammered and trying to cover me from Kim and Jeremy, who had his hands so far up Kim's skirt he didn't notice me, but Kim did. She stared at me with eyes the size of dinner plates. She had seen the whole thing. She had seen the whole thing and she was terrified of me.

She looked from Paul to me, Paul to me, me to Paul and turned her head, puking in the bushes next to her as I ran out into the night.

I was a monster. She saw me and she was terrified. I ran towards La Push, my mind was empty, no other wolves in sight.

Sam's house was the destination, because where else would I go? It took longer in my state to make my way back and I howled at his window, not worrying who I would wake up when I got there.

Sam was out of the house and in my line of vision within seconds. He phased, meeting my mind with fevered anticipation.

What's wrong brother?

She saw me phase. She fucking saw me phase and she puked. She was kissing another guy at a party and she seen me phase and she puked.

Oh. Did she puke on the guy?

No.

Well. That sucks, but Jared, you had to tell her eventually.

Not if she didn't want to be with me I didn't.

She's your imprint, you can't follow her for the rest of your life without telling her you're a wolf. Ten years from now when you're babysitting her kids—

You don't think… you don't think— I couldn't even finish the question. You don't think she's going pick me? I thought she probably wouldn't but a part of me always assumed that my friends at least believed I could get the girl in the end. Believed that I was good enough, worthy enough to—

Jared, I'm sorry brother. Really. I want nothing more than for you to have what Emily and I do, really! We just don't know how these things work, it's really rare. Maybe sometimes it just doesn't. It has nothing to do with you. You are a great man, a great wolf, a great brother and son. You more than deserve her!

I'm going to go.

Wait, I'll get you some pants. You need to go talk to her before she tells anyone.

He said running up stairs and returning with some sweats and an undershirt. I phased back and slipped them on, not bothering to cover myself in front of Sam who was now in human form standing in front of me in a pair of shorts.

He slapped my back and as if deciding it wasn't enough he pulled me into a bear hug. No one but my mother had hugged me in a long, long time and it felt nice, I held onto him for maybe a beat longer than was socially acceptable but he just smiled, nodding to me as I left.

I wasn't sure where she would be, it had been almost an hour since I seen her, I inhaled deeply and I could smell her from the east, she was getting closer, presumably in a car. I waited beside her house counting the minutes until she was dropped off in the driveway. I waited for her to be at the door before I came out.

"Kim."

"Oh shit! Jared, don't do that. Don't sneak up in people! Shit, shit!" She was drunk, really fucking drunk. I could tell by the slurring of her words and the sway she adopted when she turned to face me.

"I'm sorry," I said gripping her shoulder making sure she didn't fall.

"You're a wolf. A wolf man."

"A werewolf," I said dryly.

"It's not a full moon."

"Well, then I'm just a normal wolf-man then," I said sarcastically.

"You're a fucking wolf-man, Jared. You're mad at me for keeping secrets and you turn into a fucking grizzly-sized wolf," she emphasized the word wolf unnecessarily and it annoyed me.

"I'm not mad at you."

"Fine, whatever. Don't change the subject, Jared. You. are. a wolf," she went to poke my chest with her forefinger but she just stumbled into me. I missed holding her so much I pulled her in. Se made a contented hmmm sound before she pushed me away. "Don't touch me Jared. I'm mad at you!"

"I'm sorry," I said automatically. "Can I ask why? I can't help being a wolf."

"I don't care if you're fucking wizard, Jared. Who is she?"

"Who?"

"The fucking girl!" she screamed tears forming instantly in her eyes.

"No one."

"Was I no one?" She demanded, her fist connecting with my chest.

"Kim. How can you even say that to me? I begged you to be with me, I—ugh! God, Kim—"

"You said there wouldn't be anyone else just two weeks ago."

"You said you didn't want me!" I couldn't believe what I was hearing, this entire conversation was ludicrous. "You let Jeremy fucking Sullan finger you in front of—"

"Because you found someone else!"

"You said you didn't want me!" I screamed again, my hands shaking so hard I walked two steps back afraid I might burst. She was the world's most infuriating creature.

"I lied!"

Silence. The loudest silence of my life.

"You not wearing a jacket, Jared, it's freezing. Go home," She said fumbling in her pocket for her keys.

"Kim. Do you like me?"

"Jared. I'm drunk, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm happy for you. She's a pretty girl," and with that she was gone, and again I was left standing staring out into space in complete confusion.

A/N: When this chapter was originally posted I was begged to write a KIM POV of this last chapter so I wrote this snippet.

Kim's POV

When I let him go this was exactly what I had in mind, Jared with a beautiful girl, happily enjoying each other's company like normal people should. And she was beautiful, her hair bouncy like those dumb models in shampoo commercials. Her pale skin practically glowing in the dimly lit room… that fucking bitch.

I had fully released him of his imaginary obligations to me, but I wasn't really ready to see the affects, to see him kissing someone else, touching someone like he did me—but then it wasn't like he touched me. He caressed her, like she was a glass doll, holding her as if she would break. He never did that with me, but then he didn't have to, I was already broken.

I was cold. I downed half a bottle of cheap vodka but the sight still chilled me. I imagined for a second, a very long second how warm she would feel, Jared's body pressed against her, so warm and strong, his scent filling her nostrils.

I felt sick, which could have been the cheap booze (molecularly only a step away from rubbing alcohol), but I suspected it had more to do with the fact that I had finally realized how much I really lost when I stopped being selfish and let the best man in the world go.