Chapter 16: Kim- Matty the Philosopher

Kim's Interlude: Matty the Philosopher

I didn't want to look at him. He was sitting directly behind me, visible in the rearview mirror but I didn't have the guts to look him in the eye right now. I could see him crying from the corner of my eye, sobbing hard and kicking the back of my seat at odd intervals. I had failed him, the most important person in my life, the boy I promised to love and protect forever and I had failed him miserably.

It was somehow easier when I was younger, when Matty's father left and my mother first became an alcoholic. Matty was just starting school (the most adorable five year on the planet) and me a thirteen year old mom.

But then, maybe I was never good at it, it was just easier for me then to ignore all of the things we were missing, because I didn't understand how badly we, or he, needed them. Love. Comfort. Stability. Support.

I pray that no matter how terrible of a mother surrogate I had been, I had given him at least a taste of that, because I knew the affect not having them had done to me. I was completely incapable of expressing normal human emotions, a double retard in love, another reason I didn't deserve it, especially not with Jared. I flinched at the mere thought of his name but I couldn't stop thinking it even though I begged and pleaded with myself not to.

Jared. Jared. Jared

"I love you, Matty, I hope you'll never forget that," I said still not looking at him.

"Then why do you want me gone?" His voice was small, so sad. I knew I was scaring him for life. I started the scars years ago when I selfishly avoided counselors and teachers clinging to him when he was never mine to have. I could only hope now that when he got away from this Stockholm syndrome situation and realized it all, he would still love me.

I would never have children, I had never seen it as a possibility, but I decided then and there, there was no way I was fit to bring children into this world.

"Matty, I don't want you gone, I don't want you anything but happy. You are going to love it there, I promise. Their house it huge and nice and you'll have a tree house," I said as cheerily as I could manage.

"I'd rather live in a box with you," he said drearily, kicking the back of my seat again.

"I thought you hated me?" I smiled, but my inside twisted at the very thought of him hating me, I couldn't bare it, my worst fear because if he could hate me how could anyone else ever love me?

I always suspected I might end up alone, but a survival mode mechanism in me said that one day if I played my cards right I could rope some unsuspecting fool to his death (also called marriage)…

"I love you," he said defeated, sighing loudly. I got the courage to look at him then, and I smiled at him through the mirror as he stared out onto the road. "Jared loves you too," he said looking at me apprehensively, I looked away.

Jared. Jared. Jared.

When I wasn't thinking about Matty everything in my world was pointing to Jared, he was like the dangling carrot taunting me. Everything in my life had erupted in shit and the right thing to do was to let him go. One day if I were good enough I could have a man half as good as him… though probably not as hot.

"Then you have something in common then, you both love the wrong things," I said dryly.

We still had an hour, but I started to dread my parting words, what could I say to the center of my world as I let him go? It probably wasn't a good idea to go with the Jared "get away from me" method, which wasn't even working on him… well not until today. The thought made my stomach lurch and I leaned forward, my hand going instantly to my belly.

"Why don't you love him? He's cute," he said very matter-of-factly.

I was starting to question Matty lately. The little comments, the side glances at boys and sometimes Paul. Not that I would have a problem with him being gay. I could care less if he wanted to cut off his junk, wear dresses and call himself Chanel, I'd love Chanel just the same. But I worried. Matty's life has been hard enough without adding gay to the equation. The world is just not kind to gays, although that would be a battle I'd be ready to fight with him.

"Yeah, he's cute… gorgeous even," I said, Matty nodded thoughtfully behind me and I couldn't help but smile. If he was gay he had good taste, "But it's just not meant to be buddy."

"Why?"

"Because we are two different kinds of people."

"Yes a boy and a girl, this how it's supposed to work, Kim," he said huffing. I thought for a second that I should rush on past, avoiding the topic of gayness all together but I thought, why the hell not, it was the last motherly thing I could do for him.

"It's not supposed to be anything, boy and girl, girl and girl, boy and boy, as long as they're happy then it's good," I said firmly, hoping he would remember that forever, because even if he wasn't gay it was a valuable lesson to learn.

"Then what's the problem?"

"He's normal and I'm not."

"Well who wants to be normal? That's boring, Jared doesn't like boring," he said solemnly.

I had no idea how to respond to that. Here I was trying to impart some wisdom on my baby brother and I find I'm talking to a ten year old philosopher. How pathetic was I?

"If you don't treat him nicely you won't have anyone but Crystal left in La Push and she's sorta stupid." God I was going to miss this kid, he was a fucking riot!

"And Mindy and... maybe Jeremy Sullan, you remember him," I said wiggling my eyebrows. He was pretty hot, if Matty likes dudes he was going to remember him.

"Jeremy Sullan's a douche!" Oh god! What was I pawning off on this poor lady! This kid was a handful. I thought about scolding him, but then what a fucking hypocrite I would be? I never did before now, so why start?

"He's cute though," I defended. He was about the best I was going to do outside of Jared, who was too damn good for me. Jeremy was nice enough, and didn't ask too many questions.

"He wears girl clothes and talks about politics all the time. You don't even like politics," he said unbuckling his seatbelt and resting his chin on my shoulder. I should have told him to sit back, but he hadn't spoken or touched me in three weeks and I was missing it like crazy. As a solution I drove extra slowly, watching the road carefully as I leaned my head into his, further prolonging our last minutes together.

"I don't dislike politics," I squealed patting his head.

"Who's the vice president," he asked smugly.

"The old white dude that shot someone," I said lamely and we both laughed.

"Jared doesn't care about politics either."

"Enough with Jared already! I'm not good enough for him and his parents think we're trash," said exhaling hard. It was a new method I had picked up, when I thought about Jared so much it hurt I would exhaled hard, trying to expel all excess Jared.

"Jared thinks you're the best thing in the world. Who cares what his dad thinks? Dads are shit!" I couldn't really fault that logic, both of ours were.

"Do I really have to go? We could turn around now, make it home before Gossip Girl… I'll be better, Kim. I can get a job with Jordan, he says you can clean the community center on Sundays for $35."

"Matty, it's not money. I'd work every day of the week for you. You're going to like it here, I promise. If you don't like it by next Christmas, I'll come pick you up. I'm getting an apartment. I haven't told anyone, but I put in the down payment and it's being painted now. It's nothing special, but we can squeeze in. I just know you're going to like it there if give it a shot, and you can stay with me on all of the holidays if you want," I promised but I knew he wouldn't.

I hoped he would want to, we had traditions for all holidays, but then why would he want to eat movie mix on Thanksgiving when he could have turkey and shit… or bingo on Christmas when pine trees and sugar plum fairies were dancing around.

"Can I come back for New Years?" He asked bouncing. We had a New Year's tradition of drinking too much sparkling grape juice and staying up way past midnight watching rented summer blockbusters we couldn't afford to see in the theatre during the year.

"I'd love to my dear. My apartment will be ready by then, so I'll pick you up okay? I promise."

"Promise me something else," he said sitting back again. I eyed him as he readjusted his seatbelt.

"What?" I asked cautiously.

"Have sex with Jared again. It'll make you both happy," he said giggling.

"Again?" I asked incredulously, but then I smiled. I hadn't told him we did it, it's sorta weird to talk about sex with a ten year old, but then he was just as much of a ten year old as I was a seventeen year old, living with a drunk ages you… like cigarettes.

"I know you did it. I heard you talking to Mindy about it. You said it was great, so you should do it again, then everything will be okay." the little sneak!

"Matty, sex isn't going to fix this."

"Then stop lying to him and tell him you love him," he was sounding very much like a little Oprah.

When we drove up to Jennifer's house I turned off the car, and opened the door, but I couldn't move. The car seemed to be getting smaller around me and I gripped the steering-wheel tight.

"It'll be okay, sparkling grape juice in three weeks," he said quietly, patting my shoulder and hopping out of the car. I stepped out, watching him hug Jenny. She turned on me, hugging me tightly, which was weird, I generally don't like people touching me, but it felt good at the moment.

His room was so adorable, painted yellow. I loved it. I'd secretly called him sunshine since he was five, and consequently yellow has been his favorite color since. It looked like one of those kid's rooms out of home improvement shows that you thought no one really lived in; well apparently some people do and Matty was going to be one of them.

She invited me for dinner and I could have stayed if my heart wasn't shattering into a million little pieces making it harder for me to breathe properly. When I said my goodbyes to Jennifer and went to the door to leave, Matty stayed a safe distance to wave and I winked, told him I loved him and bowed out, before I could cry.

It's funny… for years and years my life has been sub-par to say the least and I never cried as much as I have in the last three months because of Jared. That sounds so wrong because other than Matty, Jared has made me the happiest I have ever been, but somehow it brought the tears to life. Maybe I was just not born to be happy and tears were like my body's way of trying to exorcise emotions that didn't belong to me.

My breathing had calmed, but my heart was still hurting when I pulled into a gas station. I never knew it was possible for your heart to actually hurt so badly, I thought love songs over exaggerated, but I guess they only applied to the one true love of your life and for me that would hands down always be Matty.

The line inside the station was long and I leaned against a rack, my eyes sticking unpleasantly on a pack of Tropical flavored gummy bears, the same kind I shared with Matty the day Jared came into my life. The same day I chain smoked half a box of cigarettes and thought for the first time that Matty might be better off somewhere else.

I bought the gummies, I was hungry, it was past four and I hadn't eaten all day. I actually couldn't remember the last time I'd eaten a full meal, but also there was something symbolic there. I'm not one for symbolism and all of that but something about that bag called to me, compelling me to purchase it, bringing my last three months around full circle.

When I opened them, eating all of the greens first— now that I no longer had to divide them evenly between Matty and I— I shed a single tear. The sun was setting earlier and earlier as Christmas drew near and I drove towards it, the clashing purple and orange dying rays guiding my way.

My home would be empty, the first night in my entire life sleeping completely alone, no mom, no Matty, no Jared.

Jared. Jared. Jared.

I missed him so much, so fucking much. I knew it was a mistake to depend on him so much, but then I'd do it again… I'd do it again…

I'd do it all again, all of it, no, not all of it, not the hurting him part… hurting myself because hurting him hurt me.

If I were a cartoon I think would have a light bulb over my head.

The pain I was feeling now probably wouldn't be any worse than a break-up, a real break up, so I wasn't protecting myself from anything, I was limiting myself—I was cutting out all the good stuff I could have. If I could be with him, just be with him for as long as he was stupid enough to have me I could have something real, some memories of pure happiness to take on with me for the rest of my shit life.

All I had to do was apologize… then that was always easier said than done.