Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Warning: The following chapter contains a flashback of Bella's rape. It discusses events before and after the rape. If this material is something you would rather not read, please skip to the middle of the chapter where it switches from Jasper's to Edward's POV. You will still be able to understand the story without reading her flashback.
Chapter 17: Ghost of Her Past
Jasper's POV
I sat in my usual spot across from Bella's favorite spot preparing for what was to come. Today's session was going to be rough. We had started to reach a plateau. She wasn't seeing herself clearly. The attack had degraded her self-image. She needed to confront it head on and realize that it was in no way her fault. That was going to be the goal of this risky, potentially harmful technique. I heard her soft knock and looked at the clock. She was, of course, right on time. I opened the door and she took her normal seat. She took a drink of her water that I had set out before taking off her shoes and getting comfortable.
"How was dinner at the station?" I asked. She had been worried about it.
"It went well," she said enthusiastically. "Two of the guys tried to get me to leave Edward, and after they ate my food three more proposed." She smiled and giggled at the memory. I laughed with her. I had always enjoyed this fun, jovial side of Bella. It was slowly reappearing. "Emmett just encouraged all of them knowing it would rile up Edward. I was pleasantly surprised when Jason, my student in the house fire I talked to you about, showed up with his family. Edward and Emmett were the ones that treated them. They stopped by to give them thank you presents."
"I do remember you talking about Jason. Small world. How is he?" Bella had grown attached to Jason. From what she was telling me, they were experiencing some similar issues. I don't think she realized how much it was helping her to help Jason.
"His parents are worried. I actually gave them your card. I suggested they, just his parents, talk with you first and discuss what you feel would be good for him. His father seems open and eager to consider therapy, but his mom is a little hesitant. I hope you don't mind."
"Of course, I don't. That's my job, after all. What are their names so I'll know when they call."
"William and Janice Davis. Jason is their son, and Tina is their daughter."
"I'll keep an eye out." I wrote their names on a notepad so I would remember later. I decided that a direct approach would be best.
"Bella," I said quietly. "There's something I want us to do today." She must have not liked my tone or must have been able to hear the trepidation in my voice. She pulled her legs under her and covered herself with a blanket. "I want to talk about Jacob." She nodded, a look of apprehension crossing her face. "Specifically, I want to talk about what happened four years ago."
"We've already talked about that," she said with a shake of her head. "I don't do reruns."
"We need to mentally revisit the experience. Accurate reconstruction of the event is critical to the healing process."
"How? I'll heal if I relive that? That doesn't seem very productive to me." She curled tighter into herself.
"Why do you think it's so hard to talk about?"
"He raped me. Do you really want the details?"
"This is something we need to discuss. Revisiting that day will give us some insight into what your triggers are, what memories specifically dredge up these flashbacks. If we don't do this, you can't move forward." She looked away from me and crossed her arms over her chest. I stayed silent. She needed time to prepare herself. This was going to be a draining and beyond difficult experience.
"We were at a party," she said in a low monotone voice after several minutes. This was one of her coping mechanisms. We had talked about it. She would detach herself from the memory; see it as a movie with other people, nameless, faceless people as the actors. "He drank eight beers. I counted. I was keeping track so I would know if I needed to drive home. Paul was trying to get me to drink. He would offer to get me a pop or water. The glass would always have alcohol; vodka if he said it was water or something mixed into the pop. I wouldn't drink it so he kept telling Jacob how his girlfriend was a goody-two-shoes prude. He knew I wouldn't have sex with Jacob; he always worked that into a jab."
I looked on as she was pulled back in time. Her eyes grew distant, her body fell limp, and her voice gained emotion. Normally when she spoke of these events, she stayed detached. She was there, at that party. She was no longer the Bella we knew now. This was 21-year-old Bella, minutes before the rape. My heart clenched in fear. I sat the notepad next to me and leaned forward resting my elbows on my knees. It was happening again for her, and I couldn't do anything about it; just like Jamie.
"What happened next?" I asked, not sure I could handle the answer.
"We go out to the cliffs," she said, her use of the present tense indicating her shift to reliving rather than remembering. "I drive out, Jacob and Paul riding with me. They keep drinking. Sam started a bonfire. Embry and Quil are waiting for us. It's cold so the fire feels nice. I sit on a log, and Seth comes over to visit. I like Seth." A small smile adorned her face. "He's always nice to me. Paul tried to get me to drink again. Quil makes him leave.
"That's when it starts," she whispered, her voice growing cold and scared. "Jacob's drunk and says that I'm not being fun around his friends. He pulls me into the woods to talk. I hear someone turn on music. It's too loud, and we're too far away for anyone to hear.
"He's mad; he's really mad." Her whole body shivered, and all I wanted to do was hold her and reassure her that all was okay. I couldn't though; she needed to do this. "The count's up to eleven beers now. Too many. I'm scared. He's hit me before so I expect it. He's yelling and shaking from anger. I cross my arms to try to stay warm. So cold." She whispered the phrase. "I try hard not to cry. Tears will only make him angrier, but I'm so scared. So scared. A tear falls, and he notices." I leaned forward to wipe away the tear trailing her cheek but pulled back. I didn't want to startle her. "My cheek stings and throbs after he slaps me." Her hand traveled to her face and cupped her cheek. I had seen flashback episodes before. Some people relived an experience without feeling things. Other people, I had seen, relived the entire experience; pain, smells, sights, and noises included.
"He's yelling about how Paul is right. 'You are a goody-two-shoes, and you're definitely a prude. We've been together for years, Bells. It's time.' It's time," she repeated, the phrase so foreboding and ominous. "I didn't think he'd do it.
"I should run, but my feet are cemented. I can't move." Her hands started shaking and a sheen of sweat broke out on her face. I watched as her feet seemed to be trying to lift, but nothing happened. It was as if her feet were truly immobile. "I'm frozen.
"He shoves me against a tree. My back is scraped. He leans against me, pinning me there. I can feel all of him. He's aroused from this; I can feel it pressing against my stomach. His breath smells so bad; it's nauseating." Her body jerked back against the chair, her arms tucked against her side, and she craned her head to the side as if trying to escape his breath. "When he kisses me, all I can taste is beer." My breathing was shallow; I could feel her fear. I clutched at my chest. My heart hurt for her and Jamie.
Listening to this brought my sister to the forefront of my mind. I missed her daily, but seeing Bella like this always made it worse. I could see Jamie's face, her tears, and her fear. I wanted Bella to stop. As her psychologist, I knew she needed to do this before healing could begin. As her friend, I didn't want her to dredge up these memories, feelings, and emotions. As Jamie's brother, I didn't want her to dredge up the memories I had buried. Those sides continued to war while I watched her relive this traumatic event.
"My voice comes back to me and I tell him to stop. 'Stop, Jake. I don't want this.' He slaps me and tells me to shut up. I start to struggle, but he just shoves me to the ground." She put her arms in front of her as if to brace for a fall. "My knee twists, tearing my ACL." She rubbed her right knee. Things started to click. I remembered when she came back to Seattle with a torn ACL. Alice and I took her to the ER. She said the guys from La Push were playing football. She joined in and was tackled. If that story was fabricated, how many more were?
"He falls heavily to the ground and lies on top of me. His weight is crushing. So hard to breath." Her voice was thick with unshed tears; her breathing became labored. She clamped her eyes shut; she pulled her legs to her chest, wrapping her arms tightly around them. "I scream; I kick; I hit. He punches me in the eye." One hand unwrapped from her leg and cupped her eye. So, the black eye wasn't from a football. "He grabs my wrists in one hand and holds them above my head. He unbuttons my jeans, and it finally hits me. He's really going to do it.
"I scream louder, but the music drowns me out. Then Jake kisses me to muffle the sound. I cry harder. All I can see and feel is him. I feel like I'm back in Phoenix. I can see 23." 23 was the number of the baseball player that raped her the first time. She had taken to calling the men by their number a disassociation technique. "I can't believe it's happening again. He stops kissing me so he can pull my clothes off. I beg. 'Please, Jake. Please don't do this. I don't want this. Stop, please.' He just laughs.
"The whole time he tells me over and over how much he loves me and how good it feels. I can hear him, but I'm not there anymore; I go numb. He finishes and pulls me up. I'm still numb. He tells me to stop crying and get dressed. I touch my cheeks and realize I'm still crying, but I can't feel it. I take a step and fall, my knee giving out." She started rubbing her knee again. The tears I saw earlier were falling faster. I felt a tear of my own roll down my cheek.
In that moment, seeing her that vulnerable, all I could see was Jamie when I was eighteen and she was sixteen. She was dating Mark. I didn't like that she was dating someone two years older than herself, but he was my friend; I could trust him. There were many nights I awoke to Jamie screaming because of a nightmare. I'd rush to her room to find her in the same position as Bella was now. She would never tell me what was bothering her. Within six months, bruises started to appear all over her body. It was volleyball season though, and that was always her excuse. I was away at college and didn't see the everyday signs. I should have been there for her.
"He picks me up," I heard Bella say, bringing me out of my memories. "He carries me back to the bonfire. Seth sees us, jumps up, and runs over. He wants to know what happened, if I'm okay. I can't tell him. Seth's a great kid; he'd feel bad for not stopping it. I can't let him feel bad, and I'm still too numb to respond. Jacob laughs. He tells Seth I tripped over a stump. My clumsy nature helps his story. Seth still looks worried. Jacob puts me in the truck and takes me home. Charlie laughs.
"Jacob takes me to my room. He tells me to keep quiet. 'It's useless to tell anyone. They won't believe you. I mean really, what couple of four years doesn't sleep together? It's okay, Bells. You wanted this. You were just too nervous to initiate it. You enjoyed it; I felt that. We belong together; this was okay. You're mine, Bells.
"No one else would want you after this. You've been claimed. I'm going back to the bonfire. Call me before you leave town.' Then he leaves without another word." She fell silent. I stayed that way for a few minutes, absorbing all that she said.
"Bella," I said, my voice hoarse and strained with emotion. I had to clear my throat. She blinked, the haze visibly lifting. "Bella, look at me." She looked up at me, fresh tears brimming her eyelids. Her eyes held so much pain and resignation.
"No one will want me. I'm damaged; I'm dirty." Her breathing picked up and she clutched at her chest.
"Count Bella. Count your breaths." My heart broke for her, for what she had to go through. She never should have had to endure that on top of Phoenix.
"Don't look at me like that. Please." She stood up and started pacing, her breathing still not under control.
"Like what, Bella?"
"Like I'm right. You see how damaged I am. It's written on your face. I'm disgusting. Oh God! He's right."
"Bella, no. Count, Bella. You have to get this under control." I stood up and walked to her. I raised my arms to pull her into a hug.
"No!" She shrank away. "He was right. No one will want me. I'm damaged goods."
"What about Edward? He wants you."
"He won't when he finds out. Why did I do this? Why did I put him in this position? Why didn't I plan for this?" Her sobs grew heavier and tears thicker.
"Don't talk yourself out of a good thing for false reasons."
"I have to go." She pulled on her jacket and picked up her purse, stumbling in the process.
"Bella, you're in no condition to drive." I walked towards her again, but she sidestepped me walking for the door. "Bella, don't do this. You need to get yourself under control." Her breathing was erratic.
"Control? Control? I haven't…been in control for…most of my life…Don't you…get that? He's…in control…He always…has been. Everything…I do…revolves around…him…and…what he did." She opened the door, and I swiftly walked toward her. I would restrain her if I had to. I had the means to do it. Jared made sure of that.
"Bella, you are in control." I placed my hand on the door, effectively holding it shut. "You can be in control. You just have to allow yourself to be. Now control your body. Slow your breathing." I could faintly hear her counting. Her breathing slowly came back to normal, but she was wheezing. "Let's sit back down. I need to check your pulse and blood pressure. Okay?" She nodded minutely. I turned and walked back to my room to get the blood pressure cuff and my car keys. I returned to the living room, but she wasn't there. I looked in the kitchen; nothing. I looked outside in time to see her truck pulling out of the complex. "Shit."
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sat on the couch. I rested my elbows on my knees and hung my head. That had not gone well. The flashback had been intense, for both of us. Her panic attack got too far out of control. She needed to be taken to the hospital. She was in no condition to drive. I wondered if she would end up in the hospital due to a wreck. I pressed send and held the phone to my ear.
"Hello," she answered.
"Rosalie," I said. "It's Jasper."
"Hey Jazz. Is everything okay?"
"No. Bella and I just had a session." Bella had told Alice and Rosalie she was seeing me as a psychologist, but she hadn't revealed any specifics. It was something we had been discussing her doing soon, with Alice and Rosalie as well as Edward, Emmett, Angela, and Ben. "It wasn't good. She left even though I tried to stop her. She's not doing well. Are you at the apartment?"
Alice appeared in the doorway. Bella had not closed it. She looked at me, shut the door, and sat next to me. She placed a hand on my back and a hand on my forearm, leaning into my side. I leaned back, placed an arm around her shoulders, and pulled her to me, holding her tight.
"Yeah," Rose said, and I could hear the concern in her voice. "What do you need?"
"When she gets there don't let her leave. Take her blood pressure and pulse. Call me as soon as you do. She's most likely going to need to be taken to the hospital. Try to keep her calm."
"Okay. I'll call you when she gets here."
"Thanks. Bye." I hung up and laid my phone on the coffee table. I pulled Alice into my lap and wrapped my arms around her. I needed to calm down, and she always did that for me. She stayed quiet for a few minutes.
"Are you okay?" she asked softly.
"It was bad," I whispered. "She's not thinking straight, and her body's in overdrive right now. She's going to do some serious damage if she doesn't calm down."
"What are we going to do?"
"Wait." I kissed the top of her head. "It's all we can do." We fell silent. It took a few moments for her to break the silence.
"Are you okay?" I looked at her curiously. She bent her head back to look at me. "How are you, Jasper? She may have lived through it, but you're experiencing it with her this time. You have a tendency to absorb people's emotions as your own. It makes you great at your job, but it takes a toll on you as well. So, how are you?" I thought about it for a moment.
"I can't stop thinking about Jamie," I admitted in a whisper. Alice knew the whole story of what had happened with my sister. She had even gone with me to the prison to confront Mark two years prior when I finally reached that point in my therapy. "Sometimes when I look at Bella, I see Jamie. The things she does, the way she talks about it. It scares me. I know her incident is in the past, but I still feel like I'm watching it happen and am not helping. I just want to help her." She sat up and grabbed both cheeks. She got the cutest determined look on her face.
"You listen to me Jasper Whitlock," she said sternly. "You are helping her. You're guiding her through her healing process; you're giving her another chance at a full life. Don't think this means nothing. It means everything." The phone rang at that moment and I answered thinking it was Rosalie.
"Hello," I said. It wasn't Rosalie. "Oh, hi Emmett…She was. She left not that long ago…What? What happened?...Don't touch her. I know it's hard, but just let her be. Okay?...I'm going to come over. Is that alright?...See you soon." I hung up and pulled Alice up with me. I let go and went to my room to get my bag, double-checking to make sure the Haldol was still in there.
"What's going on?" Alice was standing where I left her, wringing her hands.
"She went to Edward's. We've got to get over there. Now." I held my hand out to her, and she took it. I pulled her outside and to my truck.
Edward's POV
I sat on my bed studying for the test. It was only a little over a week away. I would take the test then be on my way to Florida. I was looking forward to spending a week lying on the beach and playing at Disneyworld. It had been years since Emmett and I were there and was sure to be an experience. Bella had finally figured out a way to pay for the vacation. She was excited and giddy to go. Every time it was mentioned she would get this adorable grin and excited twinkle in her eye. She had never been before. I was excited to go, because secretly I had been wanting to go back for years. I was more excited though to see Bella go.
I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard a knock at the door. Emmett yelled that he would get it, so I went back to studying until I heard him yell, "Bellaboo!" I smiled; we hadn't made any plans. She was meeting up with Jasper today. I sat my stuff on the bedside table and went to meet her. I opened my door to see her hand raised to knock.
"Hello, beautiful," I said. Something was off. Her eyes were puffy and red; her whole body radiated tension. Something was not okay. I was going to ask, but she launched herself at me. I stumbled a bit then steadied myself. All thought left my brain when her lips touched mine. I wrapped my arms around her waist and moaned. She licked my bottom lip then nipped at it. The action set me on fire and I was instantly hard. Bella had never been this aggressive. I took her mouth hungrily, exploring every inch with my tongue. She whimpered and pushed herself further into me. I'm sure she could feel my excitement.
She pulled me backwards until she was against the wall, my body trapping her there. Having her under my weight felt divine. Her body was soft in all the right places and oh so responsive. Her hands, as usual, were tangled in my hair. She was pulling me closer, like she couldn't get enough. I moved my hands to rub her arms. She whimpered again sending a pleasurable shock to the pit of my stomach. I ran my hands down her arms. When they were at her wrists, I pulled them off and pinned them above her head. She whimpered and began to writhe underneath me. I moved to place kisses on her enticing neck.
"Please," she whispered. The sound of her begging only sent my desire for her racing. "No. Please. Not again." I was brought up short when I heard her pleading. I pulled back to look at her face.
"Bella?" I asked. Her eyes were closed, but I could see terror etched on her face.
"Not again. Don't make me." Her voice and lips were quivering, tears beginning to leak out.
"Bella. What are you talking about?" I let go of her arms and placed my hands on her cheeks. "Not what? What did I do?"
"NO!" she yelled. I let go of her and backed away a step, panic rising. I didn't know what was happening. She began to sob as she slid to the floor. "I don't want to. Don't make me."
"Bella, I won't make you do anything. Talk to me. Please." I knelt next to her wanting to comfort her. She was curled in a ball, head buried in her knees, hands pulling at her hair. I placed a hand on her forearm.
"NO!" She screamed and jerked away from my hand. "I won't do it again. I promise. Just don't make me." Emmett came running from the living room.
"What's going on?" he asked as he took in the scene before him.
"I don't know. She won't talk to me," I said, my voice strained.
"What did you do?" He took a step closer to her and she leaned away.
"Nothing. I don't know what's going on. She won't talk to me. She won't let me touch her."
"Bella."
"No. Please don't make me. I won't do it again. I promise. Please believe me," she begged. My heart broke hearing the pain and panic in her voice.
"Baby, please talk to me," I whispered. I placed my hand on her head. She jerked her head back, slamming it into the wall. Her eyes were screwed shut, cheeks tear stained, and she was sobbing still.
"Edward, what happened?" Emmett rarely used my full name.
"She came in and started kissing me. She was being very aggressive. That's all though. I don't know what happened. I don't know if I did something. I don't know. What do we do? I can't even touch her. I just want to hold her."
"Bella. Can you hear me?" Her sobs didn't quiet, and they were causing her little body to shake violently. "Where was she before here?"
"Umm. She was meeting Jasper. That's why we weren't planning on meeting up today."
"Let's call Jasper, see if he has anything to say." I just nodded. He went to get the phone, leaving me to stay with her.
"Bella. Please talk to me." She just continued to sob and shake. I was scared. I had no clue why she was breaking down and no clue what to do.
"Jasper, it's Emmett," I heard my brother say. He was standing in the hallway again. "Was Bella with you today?...She's here, and something's wrong…I don't know what happened or if something happened. She's…Something's wrong. She won't stop crying. We can't get her to talk to us. She just keeps saying things like 'please don't make me' and 'I won't do it again.' She won't let us touch her…Okay…Sure…Bye." He hung up the phone. "Jasper's on the way. I'm gonna wait in the living room to let him in." He walked away, not able to handle her sobs I'm sure.
I sat with her while we waited for Jasper, wanting to help but not knowing what to do. Her sobs never quieted, her shaking never lessened, and my heart never unclenched. This couldn't be good. I tried to figure out what I had done to cause this. I felt horrible. I would never do it again, as soon as I figured out what it was I did. I never wanted to cause her harm. I sat with my legs pulled up, elbows on my knees, and head in my hands. I watched, waiting for a sign that she wanted me to do something, anything. I heard Jasper arrive and Emmett let him in. He walked into the hallway and looked from me to her.
"Tell me what happened," he said but not in an accusing manner.
"She came in and started kissing me," I started, my eyes never leaving her. "We kissed. That's all. I don't know what I did. All of a sudden, she started saying 'no' and 'please don't make me.' I don't know what I did."
"Did you do anything out of the ordinary?" He knelt down next to her and placed a hand on her forearm. I yelled 'don't' as she yelled 'no.' She didn't want to be touched.
"Everything was out of the ordinary. She was very aggressive. She initiated the kiss; she's never done that before. She moved me to pin her against the wall. Then I put her arms above her head and held them there. She-"
"That was it." I looked at him trying to figure out which part he was referring to. "You pinned her arms down. It set off a flashback. I talked to her about this. We've been working on getting them under control and learning her triggers."
"Triggers? Flashback? What are you talking about? What do you mean you've been working on them? What's going on?"
"Bella, look at me," he said sternly and he knelt in front of her. She just continued to sob.
"Jasper, tell me what you're talking about." He looked me in the eye.
"Edward, I'm not just Bella's friend. I'm her psychologist. I told you what my specialty is going to be. Bella's working hard to overcome some things. I need you to trust me. Know that I know what I'm doing, and I know what Bella needs. Please don't try to stop me; it'll just make matters worse." Psychologist? Specialty? Traumatic pasts. Oh God. I could only nod. "Thank you. Now, please remember that it's going to get worse before it gets better. Bear with me.
"Bella. Look at me." His voice was stern and demanding, a side of Jasper I'd never seen. He tilted her head up and grasped her cheeks between his hands. "Open your eyes." She shook her head, tears still streaming, refusing to look. "Isabella. Open. Your. Eyes." His voice was harsh and full of authority. He was scaring her. I knew he was.
"You're being too harsh," I said to him moving toward them. "She's not going to respond to that."
"Emmett, move him." My own brother listened to him. He pulled me away, and Jasper went back to demanding Bella. "Now, Bella. Open your eyes." Her eyes slowly fluttered open. He wiped the tears from her cheek with his thumbs, never releasing his hold. She tilted her head to the side, confusion written on her face. "Honey, who am I?" Her cries grew quiet as she looked from him to us.
"Jasper?" her voice was quiet and raspy.
"Yes. It's me. Edward and Emmett are here too." Her breathing began to quicken.
"He was here." Her eyes darting around the room, looking for what I don't know.
"No. Bella. He's not here."
"Yes. He was. He was here. He was gonna make me. I told him I didn't want to. He wasn't listening." She began to scratch her arms. "I could feel him. He was here. He touched me. Oh God, I can still feel him. I can smell him. Jasper, get him off me." She started scratching harder. Angry red marks began to appear.
"Bella, stop! He's not on you. Stop or you'll hurt yourself." She didn't listen, just scratched harder.
"Jasper. He's on me. Get him off." She was struggling to get out of his grasp while continuing to scratch. He grabbed her hands and crossed them over her chest. He pulled her into a hug, effectively trapping her hands. She began to kick and squirm frantically.
"Don't Jasper. You have to help me. I have to get him off. It hurts. Jasper, it hurts."
"Emmett, get the bag I brought." He lay down on the ground with her on top of him. "Edward, restrain her legs." I walked over slowly and did as he said. Her breathing was erratic, her sobbing returned, and her body shook violently. Emmett returned with the bag. "Get the Haldol. Give her a shot."
"Why are you giving her a sedative?" I asked. "If we let go, maybe she'll calm down."
"She's in psychosis right now. We can't just let her go. She's self destructive right now. You saw her. Don't you understand, Edward? She's going to hurt herself if we let her go. Emmett, please. Give her the shot." I warred with myself, trying to decide if I should allow it. She could be fine, right? I listened to her breathing. It was out of control. I could only imagine what her pulse was like. If she continued like this much longer, she could go into cardiac arrest.
"Don't make me sleep," she begged between sobs. "He'll be there. He's waiting. He's always waiting." Emmett gave her the shot, causing her to scream. "No, no, no. Jasper, please. He'll…it'll…Jas…per…please." Her sentence faded away as she faded into sleep. A tense, silent minute passed before anyone moved. Jasper let out a long breath, the tension visibly fading from his body.
"Okay. We need to move her to a bed. She'll be out for a few hours," Emmett said.
I picked her up, cradling her to my chest, and took her into my room. I pulled the covers down and lay her gently before covering her up. I brushed the hair from her face and went to the bathroom to get a damp washcloth. I went back to the bedroom and cleaned the tears from her cheek. Her face was so red and blotchy from crying, but she was still more beautiful that anyone. I ran the back of my hand over her cheeks, hoping to provide some comfort with a soft touch. She sighed and leaned her face into my hand. I cupped her cheek and kissed her forehead. Whatever had happened, we'd get through this. I'd help in any way I could.
I turned the light off by the bed noticing the time for the first time. It was 9:35pm. She was exhausted. I left the bedroom to find Jasper and Emmett in the living room. Emmett was staring at the television, not really watching it. Jasper was writing in a yellow legal pad, Alice sat next to him. I sat on the couch, trying to formulate my questions in my head. Jasper looked up when I sat. He set the notepad upside down next to him and turned toward me, preparing for the questions I'm sure.
"I'm going to go sit with her," Alice said quietly then left the room.
"I'm not going to ask you to tell me what happened in her past," I started. "That's for her to tell when she's ready to tell. I'm not going to push her, just so you know. It has to happen on her time. I know that."
"That's a great start," he said.
"I guess my question is what the hell was that? What did I do? I would never hurt her intentionally. I never want to cause her harm or fear. I don't know what happened. It was so strange."
"First, don't beat yourself up over this. You didn't do anything intentionally, like you said. Bella and I had a session today. She left rather upset. It was a tough session. I called Rose to warn her so that when Bella got home she wouldn't get upset.
"I didn't expect her to come here. She usually hides after talking about it. My guess is she came here to prove something, to herself or to me, I'm not sure. When you pinned her arms down, it caused a flashback. It's one of her triggers. Once that happened, there's nothing you could have done."
"Is she going to be mad you're telling us this?"
"No. We've discussed this; telling you about what we do. She wants you to know, and because you have a medical background. She wanted us to discuss what was going on, before she talks to you.
"She's worried how you'll react, but she wants you to know."
"She's disgusted by me. She was trying to scratch me off her arms."
"No, Edward. Not you; someone else. When someone experiences psychosis, it's like they're not even here. She literally went somewhere else in her mind. The people, the places, the sounds, the smells; they're all different. She wasn't talking to you when she was begging for it to stop. In that moment, she didn't even know you existed."
"Why did you have Haldol?" Emmett asked.
"For this reason. I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. It always does."
"How did you get it though? Psychologists aren't allowed to administer medicine."
"I have a friend who helped me out. I know I'm not supposed to have it, but with Bella's history and current medical issues, it's not safe for her to be in such an agitated state for that long. It could do some permanent damage. This friend is a psychiatrist, and I discussed her case with him in depth. I didn't make this decision lightly. I can't stop you from reporting me, but I'm asking for your discretion. I wouldn't do this unless I felt it absolutely necessary."
"What's going to happen when she wakes up? Is she going to be…stuck in the flashback?" I asked, worried she'd just start all over again.
"She could be, but I think she'll be okay. Usually she just needs time to calm down. She's had a few vivid flashbacks but none this extreme. We won't know until she wakes up."
"So we just wait?"
"It's all we can do right now. If you want, I can take her home and-"
"No. I want to make sure she's okay. I also don't want her to think this changes anything between us. It's not going to scare me away." We'll get through this. I'll help her in any way I can.
"I don't fully understand," Emmett said. "What just happened doesn't happen with most people. I've never seen anything like that. Why did she react so…extreme?"
"Bella has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD," Jasper said, but I knew he had to be wrong.
"That's what war veterans gets, not civilians. It's caused by war stuff," I said.
"PTSD is common among veterans, but it can be caused by a number of traumatic events. It can be very debilitating, as you saw."
"How do you treat this? You can't just sedate her every time this happens. How do you get this to stop happening?"
"Therapy. We do a mixture of cognitive therapy, exposure therapy, and medication. Today we were doing some exposure therapy. She was mentally revisiting the incident. It dredged up some pretty vivid memories. That's why I had the Haldol. I figured she would need it."
We sat back in our seats and turned to the television. It was going to be a long night. We didn't talk; it would have been empty conversation. Alice never came out of the bedroom. I went in a few times to check on them, see if Alice needed anything. She always smiled and shook her head. By the third time I stopped in to check on them around midnight, Alice was asleep next to Bella. I got a blanket from the living room and covered Alice so she wouldn't get cold. I went back to the living room and drifted in and out of sleep.
I was woken suddenly by Alice and Bella arguing. I looked at the clock to see it was 6:45 in the morning. I must have slept longer than I thought. I listened in but couldn't make out what they were saying. Jasper wasn't in the living room so I assumed he was in there as well. I rubbed my eyes and stood to walk to the bedroom. Before I ever made it to the bedroom, the three of them came walking into the living room. Bella noticed me and froze. I waited for her to make the first move; I wouldn't risk anything. It was a long, silent moment before Bella spoke.
"I…I…I," she stammered. "I'm sorry about last night. I'm going to leave now. You won't have to worry about seeing me again. I won't bother you anymore." I stood there dumbfounded. What does she mean she won't bother me again? And as I stood there, contemplating what she meant, she sprinted for the door.
AN: *ducks behind couch* Okay. I just want to say, I struggled with the chapter immensely. I debated with myself a lot trying to figure out whether I was saying too much or not enough. I don't want to marginalize what it's like, but I also don't want to write too much information. This is where I felt was middle ground. I truly hope I didn't offend anyone.
Bella's reaction is actually a common one. The need for reassurance and proof that things will be okay is an acute one after experiencing that vivid flashback. PTSD does effect more than just war veterans so I hope this was a bit eye opening. This is fiction, but I'm really into research (call me a nerd) so I tried to get all of that as accurate as possible. You can read more about psychosis, PTSD, exposure therapy, cognitive therapy, and medications online.
Did you find the therapy session eye opening? Was Edward's reaction appropriate? Was it believable? Now Bella's on the run. Who's going to stop her and how long will it take? Review and get a sneak peek at the next chapter.