Chapter 5:
Blackness.
Void.
A cold, endless, black void around him and inside him.
He couldn't move, he couldn't talk, he couldn't breathe.
Gathering all his willpower he tried to open his eyes but the pitch darkness pressed heavily against his eyelids.
Exhausted and confused, he let the black void engulf him, dragging him deeper and deeper back into oblivion.
Danny drifted in a state somewhere between slumber and alertness, still too tired to completely wake up but yet too awake to go back to sleep. For a short moment he enjoyed the feeling of warmth and security until his memories came back with a vengeance and he was fully alert from one second to the other, his heart thundering and heavy with worry.
He carefully opened his eyes, bracing himself for the onslaught of pain he was sure would soon crash over him. Danny blinked astonished, the light in the room was as bright as he remembered it, but the excruciating headache had decreased to an almost nonexistent throbbing at the back of his skull. He found that the pain from his abused ribs was bearable as long as he didn't breathe too deeply, only his neck and back still hurt like hell whenever he made the slightest movement.
Unable to turn his head – the cervical collar was obviously still there – Danny let his gaze travel across the room. His eyes finally rested on Chin, sitting in one of the chairs beside the bed, deeply engrossed in something he was reading on his tablet PC.
Danny licked his dry lips, then he cleared his throat, saying hoarsely, "Hey."
Chin looked up in surprise, a smile appeared on his face when he noticed that his teammate was awake. Putting the computer aside, he stood up and stepped closer to the bed. "Hey Danny, how do you feel?"
Williams stifled a yawn before he simply answered, "Better." He grinned sheepishly, raising his hand to cover his loudly growling stomach, "I think I'm hungry."
Raising his brows, Chin nodded understandingly, "That's no surprise, brah, you slept for almost twenty hours."
"Twenty hours?" Danny replied, involuntarily mimicking Chin's expression when his own eyebrows shot up. "Wow."
Rubbing his right hand over his face, he locked eyes with Kelly, hesitantly asking the one question that burnt in his mind, "Any news on Steve?"
The tiny flicker of hope that glimmered inside him died down as soon as he saw the sympathetic look in the other man's eyes and he didn't need to hear Chin's quiet answer, "No change so far… I'm sorry."
"It's okay, it's not your fault," Danny murmured, struggling to swallow down the feelings of disappointment, worry and guilt. He waved his uninjured hand through the air, gesturing toward the head of the bed, "Could you help me sit up? I'm tired of lying around…"
"Sure thing," Chin answered, leaning forward to adjust the bed. He chuckled softly when he heard Danny's stomach growl again, even louder than before. "I'll find you something to eat. Anything you prefer?"
"A beer and two burgers?" Danny asked hopefully.
"I'll see what I can do," Chin promised with a twinkle in his eyes, lightly slapping Danny's shoulder before he left the room.
Absorbed in thought, Danny watched the splinted fingers of his left hand for a moment before his gaze fell on Chin's computer. He wasn't able to read the text but he was sure that the picture he saw on the display showed Paul Baines, the man they'd been chasing for the last couple of days. He thought about everything that happened the day before, wondering if they missed something, anything that indicated that they were running straight into a trap. Finally he sighed frustrated, coming to the conclusion that there had been no sign at all that Mrs. Kalili was involved in Baines' drug business or that she knew about his whereabouts. There was nothing they could have done different and yet Danny couldn't stop the feeling of guilt that bubbled up inside him.
Williams looked up when the door opened and Chin returned, carefully balancing a tray in his hands. Grimacing, Danny examined the content of the bowl his teammate placed in front of him, "Vegetable soup? Seriously?" he asked sniffily.
"Sorry, that's all the nurse would allow you," Kelly answered, hiding a chuckle when he saw the crestfallen expression on Danny's face. "But," he continued, a conspiratorial grin upon his lips as he produced two items out of his pocket, "I brought you a coke and a candy bar from the vending machine down the floor. I already figured you won't be too happy about the soup."
Danny's face lit up like a Christmas tree, "Chin Ho Kelly, from now on I officially declare you my best friend forever. Come here so I can kiss you."
Laughing, Chin defensively raised his hands as he sat back down on the chair, "I think I'll have to refuse, brah." Grabbing his tablet PC from the next chair, he resumed reading the article on the display, giving Danny time to eat.
Leaning forward, Danny suspiciously smelled the soup before he tasted a small sip. "That's disgusting," he complained under his breath, wrinkling his nose, but nevertheless he emptied the bowl in the blink of an eye, too hungry to really care about the taste. As soon as he finished it, he dropped the spoon onto the tray, reaching out for the candy, clumsily unwrapping the paper with the intact fingers of his left hand. He took a large bite of the chocolate, chewing on it with a happy sigh before he washed it down with a mouthful of coke, for a short moment shoving all thoughts of Steve and what happened to the back of his mind.
"What are you reading?" Williams asked curiously as he stuffed the second half of the candy bar into his mouth. "I saw Baines' picture on the display."
Looking up from his computer, Chin answered, "We just got the police report from the Maui Police Department…"
"Did they get him?" Danny interrupted, swallowing down the last bit of the chocolate.
Kelly shook his head, "No, unfortunately Baines and his men got away, but MPD were able to chase their tracks down to a small harbor on the West coast of Molokai. According to several witnesses four men left in large speedboat, Coast Guard's been on the lookout for them since yesterday afternoon, but no luck so far."
"What about the old lady? Mrs. Kalili? Did she know anything?" Danny wanted to know, furrowing his brow when he saw the hollow expression on Chin's face.
"Mrs. Kalili locked herself in the house when MPD arrived, screaming at the officers to leave her alone. She seemed to be confused and obviously she felt threatened by the presence of so many policemen… she opened fire with an old shotgun. MPD had to shoot back to defend themselves…" Chin made a short pause, taking a deep breath before he continued, "Mrs. Kalili died in the hospital this morning."
"Shit," Danny whispered, running his uninjured hand through his hair as he breathed out a tired hiss.
"And that's not all, brah," Chin said, flipping through the report on his computer. "You won't believe what the officers found..." He stood up, showing Danny a series of photos on the display.
Squinting his eyes, Danny stared at the pictures for a few moments before his surprised gaze met Chin's. "Is that what I think it is?"
"Yeah," Chin nodded, "looks like Baines had been running a secret drug lab, hidden in the jungle behind his foster mother's house."
"So, Mrs. Kalili was involved in the whole business?" Danny asked, confused about those new developments. "Or did Baines just use her place without her knowing?"
"That's the question," Kelly sighed unhappily. "Unfortunately, she can't tell us anymore. Let's hope that we'll get answers when we find Baines."
This case had been weird from the beginning and it seemed to get stranger and stranger with every passing day. Williams closed his eyes, he was suddenly so tired of everything. Tired and angry. God, was he angry; angry that they hadn't dug deeper into Mrs. Kalili's background before they went to visit her, angry that they ran directly in Baines' trap, angry about everything that happened… angry that he hadn't been able to better land that damned helicopter.
Danny vigorously rubbed his face, trying to shut down all the emotions that threatened to suffocate him. He took several deep breaths, barely able to stifle a moan when his injured ribs protested painfully.
"Hey, you okay?" Chin asked concerned, firmly grabbing Danny's arm. He was shocked at the desperation he saw in the younger man's eyes when Williams finally looked up.
"I want to see Steve," Danny whispered hoarsely.
"He'll be alright, okay?" Chin tightened his grip around Danny's biceps, "You have to believe that everything's gonna be alright."
"I want to see him," Danny repeated, wrapping his right hand around Chin's wrist, "please."
Chin nodded, wondering that it actually took Danny this long to address the topic, "Kono and I already talked to Dr. Alakika about that. He said he'll remove the cervical collar this afternoon and if you're feeling up to it, you'll be allowed to get up."
"Okay," Danny said, exhaustedly leaning back against the pillows after a last glance at Chin. "Thanks."
Chin threw a look at his watch, "Listen, Danny, I need to go, Kono's already waiting. I'm going to send Dr. Alakika in and I promise, Kono will be here shortly to keep you company." He closely studied Danny's appearance, "Are you okay? Can I leave you alone?"
"It's okay, I'm fine," Danny replied, tiredly gesturing Chin to leave. He frowned, "Where is Kono now?"
"She's with Steve." Seeing Danny's confused look, Kelly explained, "Since you were brought in, we switch places every two hours, so neither of you has to be alone."
Danny stared at the older man, "You've been here nonstop since yesterday? Sitting here watching us sleep? Why didn't you go home?"
Chin threw him a wry, almost offended look, answering with a counterquestion, "Would you have done that if it was one of us lying here?"
Danny licked his lips, blinking slowly as he tried to get rid of the lump that suddenly formed in his throat. "Thank you," he finally rasped, watching as Kelly headed for the door.
"You're welcome, brah," Kelly replied softly as he pushed down the door handle. "Kono will be here shortly," he repeated reassuringly before he left the room.
His was still unable to open his eyes, but somehow he knew the darkness that surrounded him was no longer pitch black. It now held a tiny bit of gray, a faint shimmer somewhere afar.
He sensed that someone was there, by his side, chasing a tiny bit of the blackness away.
Every now and then the faint light changed, but it never completely left, it was always there to ground him, to help him, to guide him through the endless darkness.
The knowledge that he was no longer alone made it a little bit more bearable not being able to move, to talk, to breathe.
A few minutes after Chin had left, the door to Danny's room opened and Nurse Betsy came in, her wavy red hair shining in the sunlight that streamed through the window. "Did you enjoy your meal, Detective?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at the sight of the scrunched candy bar wrapping and the empty coke can on the tray.
The prospect of losing the cervical collar and being able to visit Steve helped a lot to lighten up Danny's mood. "It was delicious," he answered, throwing her an impish grin, pretending not to notice her scolding expression.
Slightly shaking her head as she removed the tray, Betsy couldn't help but return the smile, saying good-naturedly, "It's not my fault if you get sick again."
She gently wrapped a blood pressure cuff around Danny's right upper arm and a few moments later, after she had also taken his temperature and pulse, she noted down his vitals on a clipboard.
"Your blood pressure is a little low," Betsy said, stowing the cuff away. "How are you feeling?"
"Ready to get rid of the collar," Danny answered immediately.
"No headache or dizziness?" the nurse asked, regarding him suspiciously.
"A slight headache," Williams admitted, "but nothing I can't handle. It's way better than yesterday."
Before Betsy could ask more questions, the door opened again and Dr. Alakika entered the room. He greeted Danny and threw a look at the clipboard Betsy handed him, then he clapped his hands once, saying brightly, "If you're ready, we can remove the collar."
"More than ready," Danny answered, eager to finally get freed of the restrictive thing around his neck, wearing that cervical collar made him actually feel a bit claustrophobic.
Danny tensed his muscles when Betsy started to take off the collar. Although she was very gentle and careful, the pain in his neck and back increased, radiating to his shoulders, sending an uncomfortable feeling of pins and needles down his arms.
Seeing his patient's face turn pale, Dr. Alakika asked, "On a scale from zero to ten, how's the pain?"
"About seven…" Danny exhaled shakily, "… teen?" He carefully leaned back onto the pillows, breathing through the pain as he tried to relax his cramped muscles.
The doctor nodded sympathetically, "I'll give you a light muscle relaxant, that should help ease the pain. I'm also a bit worried about your blood pressure, I'd like to see it a bit higher before you get up." He motioned the nurse to attach another bag of fluids to Danny's IV line.
"But…" Danny tried to argue, only to be immediately interrupted by Dr. Alakika.
"Listen, Detective, it doesn't help anyone if you're collapsing, not you and certainly not Commander McGarrett." His voice was friendly but firm when he continued, "I promise you can see your partner as soon as possible but first I want you to rest for at least another two hours while the infusion helps to increase your blood pressure. Are we clear?"
Staring defiantly at the Hawaiian doctor, Danny finally sighed, admitting defeat. He nodded carefully, clenching his teeth when the small movement sent another wave of pain through his body.
"Okay, good," Dr. Alakika said, pleased about Williams' concession, "then we have a deal."
After giving Nurse Betsy some more instructions about further treatment, the doctor headed for the door, turning around a last time. "Oh, Detective Williams, before I forget," he said smilingly, "I'd like to keep you here one more night for observation. If everything looks fine, you'll be released tomorrow morning."
The light by his side was shining brighter, fighting back the darkness that surrounded him, that pressed against his eyes, against his ears, against his whole body.
And with the light came a bunch of feelings.
Familiarity. Friendship. Security. Love.
Suddenly he knew where the light came from, names and faces buzzed through the darkness, his friends, his Ohana were waiting by his side, waiting for him to reach out for them, waiting for any sign that he seized their presence.
But as much as he struggled, he still couldn't move, he couldn't even blink.
The light was always there by his side, waiting patiently. It was always there, so close and yet so far away.
Danny's eyes darted between the IV bag and the clock on the wall, his impatience increasing with every passing second. He sighed angrily, only forty-three minutes since the doctor had left the room, which means he had to wait at least another hour before he was allowed to get up.
He looked at Kono, who'd tried her best to cheer him up, but when he just stared at her grumpily, not answering her questions or reacting to her stories, she finally fell silent, closely watching him with worried eyes. Danny sighed again, he truly felt sorry for her, he knew that none of this was her fault, but he just couldn't pull himself together enough to answer her.
Getting more and more antsy with every passing moment, Danny wished nothing more than rip out the stupid IV line. Frustrated, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to shut out all the emotions that flooded his mind, all the memories of the flight to Molokai and back. But all he could think of was the time in the cockpit, Steve's last words before he passed out, the many rescue vehicles waiting for them at the airfield, the horrible noises when the helicopter finally touched the ground…
Williams jerked awake when someone gently shook his shoulder, surprised that sleep had obviously claimed him, regardless of all his pent-up emotions. He ran a shaky hand through his hair, confusedly staring at Kono for moment before he recognized his surroundings.
Kono smiled apologetically, feeling sorry for disturbing his sleep. Danny hadn't even noticed that the nurse had been in to remove the IV line, but Kono knew that Danny was desperate to see Steve and he would never forgive her if she didn't wake him as soon as the infusion was finished. "Hey, Danny," she said, her hand warm and heavy on his shoulder, "ready to get up?"
Slightly nodding, Danny thankfully accepted Kono's help as he sat up. The pain in his neck and back was still there, but it was much better than before, and the infusion had helped to get rid of the headache. Maybe the medication and the two hour wait hadn't been such a bad idea after all, he grudgingly had to admit.
Danny winced at the sight of the wheelchair in front of his bed, throwing a pleading look at Kono. "Is that really necessary?"
Returning the look, the young woman answered sympathetically, "Sorry, brah, you know the rules." She turned around, taking a bunch of clothes from one of the chairs beside the bed. "But Chin brought something for you, we figured you'd rather wear that than this fancy hospital gown," she said with a meaningful glance at his current outfit as she handed him a pair of dark blue sweat pants and a gray t-shirt.
"I'll wait outside while you change, give me a call if you need help," Kono said, chuckling at the expression on Danny's face, a mix of astonishment, gratitude, and embarrassment, and before Williams was able to answer, she had already left the room.
Danny put on his new clothes as fast as possible, awkwardly maneuvering his splinted fingers through the armhole of the t-shirt. The pant legs were a bit long but since he wasn't allowed to walk he figured that was something he really didn't care about.
Feeling much more human now with real clothes instead of the embarrassing hospital gown (which, to make things worse, was printed with little, colorful pineapples), Danny was even able to swallow down his feelings against the damn wheelchair. He hated the fact that Kono had to wheel him along the corridors, but he also knew that she didn't mind and that she was probably glad to finally have something useful to do.
When they reached the ICU ward a few minutes later and Kono was just about to open the door to McGarrett's room, Danny suddenly begged her to stop for a second. She placed her hand on his left shoulder, asking worriedly, "You okay, brah?"
With a little nod of his head Danny reassured her that he was alright, then he wrapped his right hand around Kono's hand, squeezed it tightly and took a deep breath. "Mahalo," he said sincerely, knowing that the use of the Hawaiian expression would tell Kono everything she needed to know, that he was sorry for his earlier behavior and that he was really grateful for everything she – and Chin – had done during the last 24 hours.
"A 'ole pilikia," Kono replied, and even without seeing her face, Danny knew that she smiled. "You're welcome," she translated and he felt her squeezing his shoulder before she slowly removed her hand. "Are you ready to go in?"
Williams took another deep breath and nodded again. "No," he said quietly, hearing Kono heave a little sigh at his contradictory response, but before he could say anything else, she moved on and wheeled him into Steve's cubicle.
The room was surprisingly spacious, probably to store the tons of medical equipment that were arranged around the bed. Dr. Santiago closely watched the figures on one of the monitors, checking the vitals against her records while Chin sat in the only chair, as close as possible to the head of the bed, immediately standing up when he saw Kono and Danny came in.
Danny ignored the doctor as well as his teammate, his eyes completely fixed at Steve. Although he knew what to expect he wasn't prepared for the onslaught of feelings that crashed over him. To see his partner, his best friend, lying there motionless, the breathing tube, the IV lines, the many wires and monitoring electrodes, in addition to Steve's pale, sunken face – all that together was almost too much and Danny felt his throat painfully tie up.
He took a trembling breath, his uninjured hand repeatedly clenching and unclenching. The constant hiss of the ventilator roared in Danny's ears, drawing his attention to Steve's chest that rose and fell in time with the noise.
"Detective Williams?"
Reluctant to avert his gaze from his partner, Danny slowly looked at Dr. Santiago, despair and hope battling for dominance in his eyes. "Doc…" he had to clear his throat before he was able to continue, "how is he?"
"As presumed, Commander McGarrett's blood pressure has stabilized, he recovered well from the operation and from the blood loss, the gunshot wound looks good." She smiled briefly before her face turned serious again. "Our main concern is still the trauma to the spinal cord. We ran some further tests and we are still hopeful that the paralysis is reversible." Seeing the desperate expression on Danny's face, she quickly added, "It's still early, the crash was just about 24 hours ago. I already told you that recovery is possible up to 72 hours after the trauma. Don't give up hope yet."
"But what exactly caused such a trauma?" Williams suddenly wanted to know. He remembered the doctor telling him that there was no visible injury to the vertebrae and to the spinal cord, but why had the crash left Steve with such a trauma while he, Danny, had just sustained a mere whiplash.
Perhaps not only Steve had a face because the doctor seemed to understand exactly what Danny was asking. "You want to know why he was affected like this and you were not," Dr. Santiago guessed, not waiting for Danny to react before she started to explain. "You see, the muscles are there to stabilize our body, for example the muscles in your neck and shoulders help stabilize your head. But when we are asleep – or unconscious," she illustrated with a glance toward the bed, "the muscle tone is reduced or rather nonexistent. That's why in Commander McGarrett's case, the spinal cord unfortunately took the full impact of the crash."
She tucked a strand of black hair behind her ear and watched Danny for a second before she threw a brief look at her watch," I'm sorry, Detective Williams, but I have to perform a surgery in a few minutes. Do you have any more questions?"
Danny looked up at Dr. Santiago, hesitantly asking, "When… when will he wake up?"
The young doctor pursed her lips as she locked eyes with Danny. "As I said, he recovered well from the operation so under normal circumstances he would probably be awake by now. But given the fact that he's not able to breathe on his own, we placed him in an artificial coma in order to tolerate the ventilator tube."
Briefly checking her watch once more, Dr. Santiago said apologetically as she walked towards the door, "I'm sorry, I really have to go. I'll be back later if you have any more questions." With a last look at the monitors the doctor left the room, leaving the Five-0 team behind, each of them pondering her recent words.
"It's all my fault," Danny murmured finally after some long minutes of silence. "Why did I drop my damned phone, with some advice I would have been able to better land that helicopter. I should have listened to Steve, he tried to explain me how to land, but I… I was just too angry to listen properly…" his voice trailing off as he banged his fist on his thigh. "It'll be my fault if he is never able to walk again or even breathe on his own. My fault…"
Danny took a shuddering breath, rubbing his forehead with trembling fingers. He heard Kono gasped behind him at his outburst, but it was Chin who rose to speak.
"You know what your fault is?" Kelly asked, his voice deep from restrained emotions. "It's your fault that you're both still alive." He circled Danny's wheelchair, crouching down in front of the younger man so that he could look him in the eyes. "You did an incredible job, landing that helicopter. No one on the ground, not a single one of those firemen, or paramedics, or airfield staff, thought that someone who never landed a helicopter before would be able to come out of this alive. Not a single one of them thought that you would make it. You're both alive, Danny, because you managed not only to fly the helicopter but also bring it down." Chin waited until Danny's eyes finally met his. "Do you hear me? You're both alive because of you."
Danny stared at his teammate for a long moment before he lowered his gaze. "But that's not life…" he whispered, pointing weakly toward the bed as he blinked rapidly against the tears in his eyes. "Chin, what do we do if he's not getting better? What do we do if…"
"Danny, you heard the doc," Kono jumped in before Danny was able to finish his sentence, "we must not abandon hope, it's still too early to tell anything."
"Kono's right," Chin confirmed his cousin's words. "But if the worst case happens, then we will be there for Steve, okay? We will be there for him, supporting him wherever we can." He stood up, briefly squeezing Danny's forearm, "But that's something we think about when the time comes. Now it's time for hope, not for grief."
Danny took a deep breath, suddenly too tired to argue any more. "Could you…" he addressed his teammates, swallowing heavily, "could you leave me alone with Steve? Please?"
Chin stared at him for a moment before he finally nodded in affirmation, reassuringly slapping Danny on the shoulder before he left the room.
Kono bent down, quickly hugging Danny as she whispered, "We'll be waiting outside, give us a call if you need anything." Then she swiftly followed her cousin, granting Danny some much needed space and time to cope with his feelings.
A new light had joined his side, and even more of the darkness disappeared, black changed into a light gray.
He felt like a heavy weight was lifted from him, the darkness no longer muted him. He could hear a voice, but he was not sure what it was saying.
It doesn't matter, he didn't need to hear the words, he knew that the voice meant friendship, security, safety.
One blink of an eye, a twitch of his fingers, just one tiny little movement was all he needed to leave the darkness and he struggled heavily against the invisible ties that kept him from moving.
The lights swirled around him, faster and faster, and they carried him away, away from the darkness.
(tbc)