'Stupid … fucking …' Naruto gasped in anger. Yeah, he didn't know what he was feeling right now, but embarrassment was a pretty good bet. 'Fuck,' he spat as he kicked at the trash can near the bench. He inhaled a hopeless breath and collapsed, head in his hands, on the bench.

What the hell was he thinking back there? Actually, that's the problem. He wasn't thinking. He didn't know how to think because he was so stupid and dumb and all those other things people keep saying about him. He was so dumb and he shouldn't have done that. He regretted it; thinking about it now, thinking how Sasuke reacted …

'Fuck's sake,' Naruto gasped angrily.

He was an idiot; of course Sasuke was going to be grossed out by it, of course Sasuke would be angry. Well, what did he expect? His best friend … ex-best friend would be happy about it? That he would just accept it and drop everything for Naruto? Naruto didn't know what he had hoped to achieved out of his stupid decision to totally ruin his friendship with Sasuke, but he had definitely succeeded in at least doing that. Naruto gaped and huffed as the ramifications of his stupid actions slapped him in the face. Sasuke would hate him. Sasuke would probably never trust him again, probably wouldn't want be anywhere near him, probably would leave and not come back.

'Shit …' Naruto shook his head and scrubbed at his eyes. He'd definitely done a number, all because he couldn't keep it in his pants. He had lost control back there, and had regretted it instantly as soon as he had seen Sasuke's face. Naruto's heart jumped into his throat as he remembered the look on Sasuke's face; he didn't feel like that, not with Naruto. And, really, Naruto didn't blame him. Naruto had made a stupid, stupid fucking decision, and now nothing would be right between them ever again.

Well, he'd do the prick a favour and stay away from him. Yeah, he wouldn't want to remind the stupid bastard of his idiot ex-best friends dumb actions. He wouldn't want him to feel uncomfortable or anything being around him. Naruto barked out a harsh laugh which turned immediately into a disbelieving choke. Naruto could not believe he had been so stupid. Of course Sasuke wouldn't feel that away about him, of course Sasuke had never even thought of Naruto like that. He didn't need Naruto, his weekend antics made that clear. Naruto had just embarrassed himself for no fucking reason, and as a clincher had lost his best friend in the process.

'Yeah, good going,' Naruto grated to himself. 'Fucking moron.'

Naruto sat on that bench for ages going over the stupid thing over and over and over again, doing a play by play in his brain, repeating it over and over and over again. Sasuke's lips were soft, but rough. He tasted like really strong mint; he had just brushed his teeth. His lips had tensed immediately and he his fingers had ripped into Naruto's arm. Sasuke's lips were like … they were magnetic …

Naruto slapped himself in the face with both of his palms repeatedly.

'Snap the fuck out of it, idiot,' he berated himself. 'It ain't gonna happen.'

Naruto tried to ignore the rise of emotion that balled in his throat. Nah, he wasn't going to let that happen. He needed to stop being an idiot and accept the situation for what it was. Sasuke didn't like him, and after his stupid show back there, probably never wanted to see him again. Naruto could be cool about it; after all he had lived without the prick before, they'd spent years apart when Sasuke's family had moved away, only to return at the start of high school. And, Naruto told himself, trying to make himself feel better, he'd lived without these stupid annoying feelings his entire life, what difference did it make now? It was just so 'Fucked up?' Naruto berated himself cruelly.

He laughed again, the sound clenched in his throat and another wave of embarrassed hopelessness washed over him. He took a steadying breath and screwed his eyes shut. He wanted so badly to rewind and punch himself in the face before even going into the bathroom. He wanted to slap some sense into himself, and to realise it was not a good idea, and that he had so much respect for the guy that he wouldn't do that because it would definitely strain their friendship. Naruto would never forgive himself for not thinking it through, and now he didn't know what to do other than stay away from Sasuke.

The sun was low by now; Naruto was surprised he'd been out there that long. The only conclusion he'd drawn was that it had happened, couldn't be changed and he was, like everyone said, a fucking moron.

Sasuke's expression …

Naruto rolled his eyes and laughed again in embarrassment. What the hell had he been thinking? Seriously? He couldn't face the guy. Ever. He'd never be able to forget that look of horror and … disgust? Yeah, that was the other one mixed in. It was only for a second, but it was there.

'Shit,' Naruto remembered he'd agreed to go tonight. Oh, for fuck's sake. If he went, he'd have to deal with Sasuke and pretend everything was peachy. If he didn't go everyone would know, probably start asking questions, start prodding, start prying. Naruto rolled his eyes. He knew Sasuke would take it to the grave. He didn't want to see Sasuke right now, he knew he'd die of embarrassment, but he also knew Sasuke. Sasuke was really good at pretending when he was in public. He was probably thinking the same thing right now. Naruto knew Sasuke would still go and pretend everything was normal. He'd even hav to try and pretend that Naruto and he were cool.

It was going to be a long night. Accepting the fact that Sasuke was probably in there, and coming up with every escape plan in the world if they had to interact, Naruto made his way back to the dorm. He was almost at the door when someone tapped him on the shoulder.

'Sorry, but I do still live here, you know,' he snapped as he turned, for some reason expecting it to be Sasuke behind him, and getting pissed because he had to deal with him so soon. But, it wasn't Sasuke; Akamaru frowned at him.

'You guys fighting again?' he asked as he followed Naruto into the dorm.

If only they were just fighting … 'Want a soda or something,' Naruto asked as he threw his keys on the coffee table. They didn't have any soda. 'Or coffee?'

Akamaru shook his head. 'I just came to get the cake.'

Naruto opened the fridge. A green box sat squarely in the middle of the shelves. Naruto stood aside so Akamaru could get to it. He propped the box on the counter and shot an accusing stare at Naruto.

'Spill it.'

'What?'

Akamaru sighed and stabbed a finger at Naruto. 'I can see right through you, Naruto. You got that look in your eye.' Akamaru smirked.

What look? 'Fuck off, Akamaru.'

Akamaru laughed. 'Okay,' he drawled, picking up the cake and heading over to the door. 'I'll find out who it is though. You know I will, I have connections.'

'You're so full of shit,' Naruto said and grinned for the first time all day. Akamaru was such a fucking snoop. He'd sell his grandmother's frilly knickers if it bought him a story. He slapped Akamaru on the back and closed the door behind him.

He prepared himself the best he could for the inevitable. He remembered how to pretend; he was good at brushing things off, he was good at smiling and laughing. He would just forget about before. Wallowing in self-pity was Sasuke's thing, not his. Plus. Alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. It would help some to forget about his stupid mistake.

Naruto went to have a shower but froze in the doorway. His towel slipped from his arm and he couldn't get his feet to move into the room. Sasuke's face when Naruto pulled back … the embarrassment slapped him in the chest so forcefully, he couldn't breathe.

Naruto turned around and headed to his room to get dressed; he didn't need a shower anyway.

Naruto stared at the TV but the images didn't infiltrate his brain. Sasuke hadn't come back all afternoon. Good. Naruto didn't want to see him anyway. The blue and black and reds of the TV, pulsed against the coffee table as Naruto gulped the last of the amber liquid in the glass. He poured more into the glass, grinning as he remembered spending nearly a whole week's pay on the stupid thing back at the start of the year.

'Cheers,' he said to himself and gulped the liquid, coughing slightly as it slid down smoothly. It had stopped burning about an hour ago, but Naruto still didn't feel he was buzzed enough. He barely registered the knock on the door. A soft rap. 'Come in,' he called and leaned back on the couch, as the room started spinning.

'It's locked,' came a muffled reply.

Naruto navigated his way over to the door and after the third attempt managed to unlock it. Sai's familiar smile greeted him from the hall and he stepped into the room. 'Are you ready to go?'

'Why'd you lie to me earlier, man?' Naruto blurted.

Sai frowned but then his eyes crinkled. 'I wanted to observe your friends; intimate groups are much more fascinating than strangers, but I didn't want to say it, because you already had said you didn't want to go. So, I thought I would come up with a plan to convince you to go tonight.' Sai smiled like it was obvious. Naruto didn't remember sitting back down on the couch and Sai had lost him at "wanted". Sai lightly ran a finger over the neck of the bourbon bottle.

'Sounds good,' Naruto mumbled and went for the Jack bottle. Sai pulled the bottle gently from his hand, and pulled him up.

'We are quite late as it is, Naruto.'

Somehow, they were now standing outside MoMo and Sai was explaining something to the dude in the boring brown suit. Next thing, Naruto was being dragged along through the tables. He accidently bumped into a chair and fell in some woman's lap. She screamed at him and beat him with her purse and Naruto tried to fend her off and apologise and not laugh all at the same time. Sai came to Naruto's rescue and, next thing, Naruto's sitting at some table, trying to stop the room spinning and ignoring all the burning eyes staring at him.

'Hi,' he said, remembering manners. 'How's it going?'

'Naruto,' Sakura growled under her breath next to him. 'Where have you been?'

Naruto shrugged and found water and gulped the water, but it didn't help the fire in his chest. He grabbed another water and gulped it as well. He didn't care when a girl to his left giggled at him and rolled her eyes.

He flinched as someone squeezed his thigh. Sai had his usual default friendly smile projected at the gathering, but he was subtly screaming at Naruto through his grip. Sai's eyes were nowhere near as friendly when he glanced at Naruto and filled his water glass again. Naruto looked from Sai to Sakura and back. He sort of deflated in his chair a little bit and gulped the water, wilting under the glares from most people around the table. His mouth filled with saliva as the waft of barbecue from the centre of the table finally struck him. He pulled some meat onto the plate in front of him and scarfed it down, going for another bit. Sakura grabbed his plate and filled it with meat and vegetables and slapped it back down in front of him with a huff.

Naruto was starving; he shoved as much as he could into his mouth and bore the impossible task of chewing it all and swallowing without gagging. Gradually, the gathering went back to their conversations and their meal, and Naruto relaxed slightly. That is, until he made the mistake of looking up. Dark narrowed eyes slapped him in the face from across the table; the look lasted a millisecond Sasuke turned back to Kakashi, who playfully stroked Sasuke's jaw line and leaned in for a peck. Sasuke smiled and leaned into Kakashi. Something … a weird indescribable something pulsed overwhelmingly through Naruto. Sasuke had looked at him like that a million times before, but this time it was different. Suddenly, Naruto was feeling a lot more sober.

'I gotta …' Naruto mumbled, hoping Sai and Sakura could hear him. He stood up, stumbling over his chair and heading blindly away from the table, hoping he was heading toward the bathroom. He miraculously found the restrooms and shoved the door open. No one was in there, Naruto did his business before leaning over one of the sinks. He splashed water on his face, the cool liquid doing nothing to douse the heat coursing through his body. He was being an idiot again. He tried to shake the stupid out of him and steadied himself with a few deep breaths, but he couldn't bring himself to look at the stupid idiot in the mirror.

He pulled all his courage, all his rationale, before heading back out to the table. Sai's fingers stroked his back lightly when he sat back down. Sakura was squinting at him, her lips working in that look that said she was trying to figure something out.

'I'm good. Yeah,' Naruto said to her. 'Sorry, needed to pee real quick.'

Sakura screwed up her nose in disgust and waved her hand at him. 'Keep it for the locker room, Naruto,' she said. But the smile crept back into her eyes and she leaned over slightly. 'Are you sure you're okay?'

Naruto nodded quickly. Bad move, the room decided to swim for a second, but went back to its static state after a moment. 'Yeah. Yeah, I'm awesome,' he said, slightly distracted by Sai's fingers stroking up and down his back under his jacket. Sakura took a sip of something bright yellow in a stem glass.

'I was thinking,' Sakura mused, 'since we've been neglecting each other so much this semester, I would love if you would come home with me? We could just hang out, and …' she smiled. See, she couldn't just ever enjoy his awesome company, there always had to be another hidden deal involved.

'And?' Naruto prompted, apprehensive.

Sakura smiled again. Naruto didn't miss the fleeting glance across the table as she took another sip of that yellow stuff. 'And nothing, I guess,' she finished. 'I've just missed hanging out, is all, Naruto.'

Naruto grinned; she'd always been a sucker for his brakish charms. 'Sakura, I told you,' he grabbed Sai and smooshed him on the face. 'You got some parts missing.' He laughed and smacked her in the arm, ignoring the sideways glances from half the party at the table. She looked shocked and looked around the table for a moment.

'Naruto!' she scolded. 'You're disgusting!'

Naruto pouted at her. 'Ouch.'

Sakura gasped. 'No. I meant. I just …' she spluttered. 'The way you put things –'

'Sai has no trouble with the way I put things, do you?' Naruto asked, glancing at him smiling mischievously at him.

Sai's eyebrows raised slowly but the crinkle and sparkle shone once more. 'I don't. No. In fact, Naruto's pen –'

'Okay!' Sakura squealed. 'Thank you, Sai, for that image. Thanks,' she muttered darkly, taking a rather long sip of her drink, her face flushing as she looked away from the two of them. Naruto couldn't help laughing at her. He kept laughing, kept grinning, distracting himself, ignoring the fact that he could feel dark, intense eyes staring at him from across the table, but he wasn't going to look at him. He wouldn't look at Sasuke ever again, because the expression on Sasuke's face back there in the bathroom had said everything. He didn't want Naruto looking at him, so he would give him what he wanted.

'Anyway, yeah, we should hang over break Sakura,' Naruto said going back to the original proposal. 'It'll be fun. Just like old times,' he said breathily, leaning over her and gazing at her.

'Well, as long as Sai can bear to part with you for awhile,' Sakura said.

'I have to finish my thesis,' Sai said, the smile never leaving his face.

'Ooh, a thesis on what?' Sakura asked. Her cheeks were a bit shiny and her neck was flushed. She was really liking that yellow stuff. She leaned closer over Naruto, prompting Sai to go on.

'Feet,' Naruto chimed in. Sakura frowned at him, but her eyes returned to Sai.

Sai stroked Naruto's side and Naruto leaned a little closer to him; mostly to get away from Sakura's boobs which were now pressing against his arm as Sai and her buried themselves in conversation.

A rhythmic chink on a glass broke through the conversations at the table. Kakashi stood up to formerly address the gathering. He raked his fingers through his hair and cleared his throat. Naruto tuned out completely as he said whatever he was saying and instead, played with the tablecloth. He flinched when the party all clapped at once and he looked over as Kakashi was bowing a bit in all directions. Naruto knew he shouldn't have looked over to that side of the table. His eyes twitched with the effort, but finally he couldn't do it anymore and his gaze flicked to Sasuke a millisecond. It felt like it lasted a lifetime as he absorbed every detail; the small smile, the shape of his jaw, the way his hair shaped the side of his face, the shine of his cheek, the contour of his ear peeking out from his hair, the line of his neck, his long slender fingers coming together as he clapped politely, the crinkle of his eyes as he looked up at …

'And I've asked Sasuke to come with me,' Kakashi said, taking Sasuke by the hand. Sasuke stood; a small frown of surprise on his face. Naruto tried to remember what the guy was talking about. Where was Sasuke going? For how long? When?

'Where are they going,' Naruto asked Sakura. Sakura looked at him blankly, the same frown was on her face.

'Europe for study. For three years. Weren't you listening?'

That fucking ball of emotion clenched its claws around his throat and squeezed. Naruto inhaled through his mouth and stood up as a guy in a boring brown suit brought the cake over and laid it in front of Kakashi.

Sakura grabbed his wrist and squeezed. 'Where are you going?'

'Bathroom,' Naruto lied. He had to get out of there; he had to get out before he did something he regretted. See, that's that thinking thing he'd developed over the day. He was only getting in the way anyway, he didn't need to be there, he was sure he could slip out without anyone noticing.

'Where are you going?'

Naruto huffed. He'd already said … but then he realised it was a different voice, deeper, friendlier than Sakura's. Naruto stared at the flip flops and the loose hems of dark blue jeans. His eyes then travelled up to the oversized boho cardigan and the small smile.

'Hi,' Gaara said and Naruto just grabbed him and hugged him tightly without making the decision to do so, mentally kicking himself that he'd made a decision again with meaning to, but he just couldn't let him go, because he just couldn't actually believe that he was there.

'Sakura invited me. She said you needed cheering up? And since I had some free time, I figured I'd come all the way back over here to visit your stupid ass.'

'Shut up,' Naruto said and let him go. He punched Gaara in the arm. 'Six months, man? What the hell? France can't be that awesome.'

'It is actually. Much more fun than hanging out with you.'

Naruto punched him again and hugged him again.

'Shall we?' Gaara said and stepped forward. Naruto paused. He couldn't go back in there, he couldn't face them. They didn't know why, but it would kill him right now.

Naruto grabbed Gaara and pulled him away from the party. After the surprise wore off, Gaara followed willingly.

'Ichiraku,' Naruto mumbled. 'It's still open.'

'C'est tu plait.'

What the hell did that mean? Gaara was a man of the world now, so much he couldn't even understand him anymore. 'Let's blow this joint.'

An hour later, Naruto drained the sake cup and stacked it on the other five. He was definitely buzzed, definitely relaxed now. They'd gone through all the usual conversation of 'what you been up to', 'remember when' and 'study sucks', and now they were philosophising over the world, the universe, and everything.

'Snails beat worms, hands down,' Naruto yelled, smacking his palm into the table. The place was slowly emptying, but because it was the night of the last day of semester, it was tradition for Ichiraku to be open all night. Gaara laughed.

'Worms bury into the ground, can survive with no food for seven years and can break themselves into segments if they can't find a mate.'

'Yeah? Well …' Naruto strained his drunk brain to come up with a great opposing argument. They'd been going at this for like … minutes now. 'Snails have shells. Hah.'

'Worms can survive nuclear fallout.'

'Snails have teeth.'

'Worms can live for a hundred years.'

'Snails have those weird stringy eyes!' Naruto yelled adamantly. 'And teeth.'

Gaara snorted, choking slightly on his sake. He held up his hands. 'Well, you have me there, you win.'

'Believe it,' Naruto said, saluting Gaara and draining another cup. The world was spinning, shaking and shimmering in front of Naruto's eyes. He felt bright and cool and awesome right now. He could take on anything; he could do anything. He was invincible.

'How long you here for?' he slurred. Gaara's face blurred and swam in Naruto's vision. His red hair sparkled the low light.

'Tomorrow, Naruto.'

Wow. Naruto reached for the sake bottle but missed and it toppled off the table and smashed on the floor. Naruto grinned at the bottle. It was done for the night.

'How's Sasuke?'

'Another bottle over here!' Naruto called loudly to the bar. The guy brought over the bottle and cleared the bowls and plates stacked high on the table. Naruto grabbed the bottle and tried to uncork it, but all of a sudden his fingers had no strength.

'Are you guys having fun? I remember when I was in my first year …'

Naruto tuned him out as he tried pulling the cork out with his teeth, but it was stuck tight. 'Stupid … thing,' he mumbled as he faltered with the cork.

'Naruto?'

Naruto handed the bottle to Gaara who opened it easily and poured more into Naruto's glass. Naruto gulped it and drained it. He held his bowl out again. Gaara poured more in.

'Are you –'

'I don't fucking want to talk about the prick, okay. Sheesh. Drop it will you.'

Nothing effected Gaara. You could not get a reaction out of the guy no matter how hard you tried, and Naruto had tried. And tried. A lot. He'd just look at you and brush it off. This guy raised his eyebrows and swiped his fingers over the side of his neck.

'Fucking Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke. Everyone's always talking about him, obsessing over him, ogling and touching him. Fuck, you know there's more people in the world than just him, you know. But no, he's the most interesting thing in the world isn't he? Well, fuck, I don't care, okay. Geez, I'm so sick of talking about him. If you want to know how he is, ask him your-fucking-self.' Naruto knew he was rambling, but couldn't stop himself. The sake was definitely doing its job. Naruto looked at Gaara blearily; Gaara just met his glare.

'Are you done?'

'Yeah,' Naruto said and deflated, he dropped his head to the cool surface of the table. 'I'm so fucking done. With all of it. I can't do this anymore …'

'Do what anymore?'

'Sasuke is …' so fucking sexy. So fucking hot and sexy and attractive, and hot and sexy, and Naruto was helplessly attracted to him. He was so attracted to him it hurt. He was so fascinated and hypnotised by the bastard. He didn't do anything. He just made a cup of tea. Just munched on apple slices. Why did he slice up apples? Why couldn't he just eat them normally? Just watched TV. Just glared. Just washed the dishes. Just opened his door. Just walked to the kitchen. Just tossed the mail on the coffee table. Just typed on his laptop. Just listened to music. Just walked down the street. Just … just …

Naruto groaned into his arms.

No. Naruto told his foggy brain. He told his stupid brain to shut up. He clamped down on his mouth, bit his tongue … screamed at himself to shut up.

NO! He was screaming at himself now. He'd wished he hadn't started drinking, it was making it hard to hold onto that logic thing. That thing that told him saying things was stupid and that if he didn't stop himself Gaara would hear everything.

'He doesn't want …' me. Fuck, it rips out his heart that Sasuke, without saying a single word rejected him completely. No question. No argument. Just … no.