A/N: I said I wasn't going to add to everything all at once anymore, but with my Vampire Diaries story on indefinite hiatus, I can do a lot more without freaking out. One-shots are so much easier for me than a big story. This is Ruka's point of view.
Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Knight. I make no profit from this.
Sometimes, it's like everything I've been afraid of for years just takes over. I'm always scared I won't live up to my Mother's standards, but sometimes it crawls into my lungs and I can't breathe.
Vampires aren't supposed to have panic attacks.
"Ruka, look at me, you're going to be fine, I promise." Akatsuki coaxes me into half sitting, half lying on the living room chair. "Ruka, take a deep breath..." He knows that the only reason he's keeping my attention is that he's saying my name. We've been through this dance many times before.
I follow his instructions and the panic constricting my chest releases and I start to cry. Thank God no one else is home, I would hate for any of them to see me like this.
"Come on," Akatsuki lifts me out of the chair and holds me on my feet. "It'll be morning soon. Why don't you go upstairs and crawl into bed?"
"Don't make me..." I throw myself at him, as per usual of every bad night and day.
"The others are going to be home soon..." He warns, and instead of pushing me away, he scoops me up and starts up the stairs.
"I hate this..." I mumble into his half buttoned shirt and he pauses mid-step. "I hate this so much!"
"You hate what?" Akatsuki stares at me, his amber eyes wide.
"Me!" I scream, and strangely, he relaxes. "Me, I hate me, I hate myself, I hate this girl that I've become, and I hate the girl I pretend to be!"
"Ruka, lets get you tucked into bed." Akatsuki starts up the stairs again, not saying anything and I think, I broke him, he doesn't know what to say. I broke the one person who's ever cared about me.
"Akat-" I break off mid-word and start to bawl my eyes out again. "Do you hate me Akatsuki?" I manage between huge, wet sobs. "I'm a bitch, I know you hate me, I'm sorry. Just leave me alone!"
Akatsuki, as usual, is unfazed by my screams. He sits on my bed, cradling me against his chest and stroking my hair.
"Why don't you hate me?" I whisper once I've calmed down. "I don't understand! why don't you hate me? I'm a bitch and I'm cruel... I don't understand your logic."
"There's no logic involved." He smiles at me, and even his eyes smile. "You just can't love and hate someone at the same time."
I let that filter through my mind for a moment, and then I cuddle up to him without another word, and just hold onto his shirt.
Sometimes, even if I don't understand why, Akatsuki says he loves me. Sometimes, for reasons strange to me, I want to say it back. But to date I haven't, and I'm not sure why...
Author Note: This is lighter stuff than I usually do, there was no mutual I love yous or kissing, it was just kind of... speculative. Hm. anyway, I'm going to add to my ShikiXRima and then I'm off for the night I guess. Will you drop me a comment? I love hearing from my readers, oh and thank you for reading.