Book Two: Kim and the Wolf that Loved Her

Chapter 5: Jared Weeps

"This zipper ain't going up baby," Jared whispered from behind me, leaving steaming hot kisses from the tip of one shoulder to the next.

"It's God telling me I shouldn't have to wearing this hideous thing," I joked trying to suck in my stomach as he attempted to zip up my butter-cream yellow bridesmaid dress one more time.

I had apparently gained weight in the two weeks since I ordered the dress or maybe the size eights were really closer to size six, either way I was fucked. My arms barely fit through the puffy cap sleeves and the zipper wouldn't budge even after three attempts from the strongest man I knew.

"I got an idea," Rachel announced. She pranced in the room with a determined glare, a pair of scissors and a spool of yellow ribbon that matched my dress, making her look a little like a demonic Martha Stewart. This was fitting for the occasion seeing as my dress was something out of my nightmares, yellow and puffy and girly to an extreme, completely not me.

"Where'd you get that ribbon?" I asked slipping the dress back down and tossing it to Rachel.

I was wearing a tight white slip underneath, my nipples almost cutting through the silky material in the icy cold side room of the community center that we had annexed for wedding preparation. Jared noticed and smirked, pulling me into his chest for warmth and to take advantage of the compromising position by touching me openly. Rachel coughed but he didn't move away, keeping his hands firmly on my backside; he was not afraid of her frenzied arts and crafting.

"God, you're beautiful," he breathed in my ear, blocking my view of Rachel. I giggled, swatting his face away so I could see her as she spoke.

"Emily bought it for Claire's hair but she's probably not going to do the flower girl thing. She's all feverish from an inner ear infection," Rachel explained as she made small careful cuts on either side of the zipper.

"I don't think a few holes is gunna help me fit my fat ass in there," I admit slapping my stomach. I had gained a few pounds from the stress of Jared's wolfing and a constant diet of leftovers from my job at Mr. Johnny's Fish Fry.

"You are not fat. You're sexy as hell," Jared whispered, leaving big wet kisses from my ear to my shoulder. After the Volturi made their appearance and disappeared again, (hopefully to the other side of the world, where they'd never been seen or heard from again), Jared spent every waking moment with me. He couldn't stay away from me and it was bliss. Going to work and eating only when we needed to, staying in bed every hour that we weren't.

We had only a few more days before I returned to school, a full-time student at the local community college. After taking Krys in, dealing with his different fears and emotional instability, I realized what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a counselor, any kind of counselor that worked hands-on with children like me, from families like mine. Living with Krys and Jared was like the first healthy family I'd ever known. It was safe and comfortable and supportive and I wanted every child who ever felt scared or alone or unloved to feel the same. It sounded corny, but that's what I wanted.

"You two are sickening," Rachel whined as she carefully removed the sleeves, cutting slowly around the seam. Rachel and Paul were in love, no doubt about it, but they just weren't as physical as us, which was good for me because I didn't think I could stomach it, especially today with my stomach already sour from the stress of Emily and Sam's wedding.

"Emily's going to kill you!" I screamed watching her completely redesign the yellow monstrosity that puffed out wide with layers of tulle. She'd poked a dozen holes in the back, removed the sleeves and now she she was carefully snipping off the large sash and bow cut into my fish fry gut.

"Leah's maid of honor dress is a little different anyways, this way we'll all have different ones," Rachel said, pointing to the dress she was already wearing.

I slid in carefully and stayed completely still as she worked the ribbon through the small incisions she made along the zipper, like corseting. She pulled it tight but I didn't protest.

Leah didn't say a thing during the entire ordeal; she sat in the corner of the room, with half applied makeup and an icy glare. I didn't comment, nothing could have made me feel any worse for her then I did for her now. We weren't friends, we never had been, but I cared for her. I cared for her mostly because Jared did, no matter how he tried to deny it and looking at her now, her face set like stone eyes on the verge of tears made my own eyes water.

"Why are you crying?" Jared whispered, pulling me to the makeup station I had set up more myself.

"I'm not crying, it's just… Leah," I whispered the last word, but it didn't really help the matter considering she was a wolf.

"Are you… um… cycling?" he asked, wiping the remainder of my childish tears on the corner of my eye.

"No, you jerk," I chuckled, applying the simplest of makeup. I focused on the mascara as he watched me carefully.

Emily and Sam had pushed their wedding back twice with the Cullen based drama but now nearly six months pregnant with twins the wedding has been put together in less than a week.

"When we get married I'm wearing a sundress and flip-flop and no makeup" I grumbled, searching my bag for my cigarettes.

"Not sure my mom will agree but I'm down," he smiled following me out the metal side door.

Almost as soon as the smoke hit my lungs my stomach lurched, the smell making my mouth water unnaturally. I coughed the smoke out, gagging. Jared slap my back and held my hair back as I dry heaved violently against the tight material of my dress.

"Baby, you okay?" He whispered softly in my ear, as the wave of nausea finally let up. I threw the cigarette down in the grass as four devastating facts clicked into place.

1. I was fat. I had never been fat. Thick, womanly, curvy, yes, but not fat.

2. I was nauseous over my third favorite thing in the world: Cigarettes.

3. I was crying, something I don't really do, over a girl who didn't even like me and whom I wasn't even all that fond of.

And 4, the scariest and worst of all, something I didn't realize till Jared said it: I wasn't "cycling". I wasn't menstruating and I should have been. I should have been days ago.

"Holy fuck!" I cried, grabbing onto the side of the building for support.

"What's wrong, Kim?" Jared's voice was echoing like he was shouting down a tunnel. I tried to turn and look at him but it all turned black….

"I don't feel good! Why is Kim laying on my bed! I'm tired!" Claire's little hands pushed at my cheek as I stirred. She was pink faced and looked almost as miserable as I felt. Adorable yes, especially in her flower girl's dress which matched Rachel's completely; it looked great on her but then most dresses did look great on four-year olds. She stared at me with a bit of concern then frowned, rubbing her ear furiously.

"Don't stick your finger in there, Claire-bear, you'll rub all the medicine out," Quil said calmly, picking the little girl up and off of the loveseat I was laid across.

"Quil, I'll take her from here," Joanna, Emily's older sister motioned for Quil to hand her over, but Claire just clung to him, holding on to what little hair he had with her tiny fist.

"Claire, come on," her father George demanded. Claire didn't let go and subsequently Joanna and her husband had a nasty whispered argument in the corner of the room, Claire nuzzled up to Quil as happy as a toddler with an unpleasant ear infection could be.

"Baby, you are scaring the hell out of me. Are you okay?" Jared asked, he was kneeling in front of the loveseat, his cheek rested against my stomach. My stomach that would be growing soon. I was pregnant. The bastard impregnated me with his evil resilient wolf sperm that apparently was immune to birth control.

I slapped his head away sitting up quickly, but the room spun and I had to grab onto him for support.

"Shit!" I screamed and Quil quickly covered Claire's ears, rushing her out of the room, her parents not far behind.

"What's all the screaming?" Emily asked, entering through the back door. She was being assisted by Sue, so heavily pregnant she had already adopted the half-waddle walk like a penguin. Her simple white dress with basic yellow flower embellishments under the bust, was bulging outward in her enlarged state but she was radiant, absolutely stunning. I forgot, if only for a millisecond the worst news I had ever dealt with, going to her side and kissing her cheek.

"Watch her makeup," Sue warned but Emily smiled.

"Like my makeup matters. I look like a whale stuffed into a dress," Emily moaned grabbing my hand as I helped her onto the love seat. She wasn't technically supposed to stand up for too long, she was on bedrest but her traditional ways were forcing her to run down the aisle before the twins popped out.

Pregnant. Never had that word meant so much, affected me so strongly. I turned my head away from her white dress just in time, though it wasn't enough time to get any farther than the trash bin, spraying everything I had eaten in the last five hours amid empty water bottles and tissues.

"Kim, baby, what the hell is going on?"

"I'm…. fucking…. pregnant…. you idiot," I managed between hurls. He flinched, pulling my hair back behind my face to get a better look at me. He had a combination of looks going for him. Confused, angry, hurt. I didn't talk to him like this normally, or at least I hadn't for a long while.

"I'm sorry," I sighed. Rachel and Emily held hands awkwardly watching us with scared grins. Leah reentered behind Sue surveying the awkward gathering with curiosity.

Jared took my impromptu puke bucket into the adjoining bathroom without another word and returned stony faced with a fresh bottle of water. I drank it down in one long gulp, and accepted the gum Rachel offered from her purse. The weight of my words filled the room until the clock struck noon.

"Okay, well it's show time!" Sue broke the silence, lining us up hurriedly.

Claire went out first, rubbing her ear with one hand and throwing out yellow petals with the other. Rachel and Paul went out next, walking slowly to the music I could barely hear behind the thick wooden doors of the community center.

Jared stood behind me with Leah, best man and maid of honor would come out last. I could feel him watching me, his eyes burning holes but I didn't turn around. I didn't want to see the horror I was feeling reflexed there. I roared to life at my cue from Sue, walking slowly down the aisle with Embry at my side.

We were just trying to figure out how to throw our wedding for under a thousand bucks, discussing everything from beach side barbeques to mountainside picnics and now there was this…babies would cost more than a thousand that's for sure. I couldn't do this. We couldn't afford this.

He watched me straight-faced, eyes burning into me as he took his place next to Sam. I couldn't watch him, I couldn't communicate with him the terror I was feeling, so I turned to the audience, watching Claire cuddled into Quil's lap.

I was a terrible bridesmaid, I didn't even noticed when the rings were exchanged, or when they kissed. I joined the small crowd when they started to clap, my hands sweaty and cold, clammy like my forehead.

My mind raced, trying to find someone or something to blame for this mess. I took birth control for a reason, what was the fucking point of going all the way to free clinic for refills if they didn't even work? I might as well have been eating freaking orange tic-tacs, God, I need a cigarette… but I couldn't. I couldn't have cigarettes for another nine months, unless…

"Kim," Rachel whispered, grabbing my shoulder and pushing me forward. She practically rolled me down the aisle and into her car, with Paul at the wheel, taking us to the small reception at the town's only banquet hall. Jared was waiting for me as soon as we parked.

"I can see your gears working Kim. We gotta talk about this before—" He started, his face painted with unfamiliar anger.

"Jared, later," I pushed him to the door so hard my wrist cracked painfully.

"No now, don't shut me out," he insisted pulling me into his truck, I didn't protest.

"We should go out and buy a test at least. You can't be sure." He reasoned, grabbing my hand and gently massaging my wrist.

"I'm like ninety percent, at least and right now we need to focus Sam and Emily," I whispered as he kissed my wrist softly.

"But what if? Wha—what do you want to do?" I never heard him sound so afraid. He ran at an army of super strong vamps and again towards a trained army of vampire royalty and now he was scared.

"We're going to go to this reception and try to have a good time for Emily's sake," I said trying to hold strong. Most of the time Jared was my rock, but today I had to keep us afloat.

We went through the motions: congrats, toasts, kisses and cake, but by the time dancing began and people were slurring their words from drink, I couldn't stomach it anymore. I watched as Solace, newly freed from his ties to Anna, dry humped Leah on the dance floor and Sue dragging Charlie to the floor before I pulled Jared to the door.

"Ninety percent isn't enough," I whispered in Jared's ear. We didn't bother saying goodbyes, he guided through the throngs of people as I were as fragile as an egg.

Rachel drunkenly signed for me to call her as I passed her on the way out. A huge part of me wished I could join her in the fun but… I was pregnant. I was keeping it safe. I was protecting something I wasn't even going to keep. I mean, I wasn't, right?

The best possible scenario, I had gotten mono or hepatitis from the dirty teens I worked with at Mr. Johnny's Fish Fry but in the worse I would be making another kind of appointment at the Planned Parenthood.

The pharmacy on the outskirts of town was the best choice for picking up a quick pregnancy test but since it was 6pm we had to drive farther to the Walgreens in Port Angeles. I would be making sure to drop a note to Quil's mom about stocking birth control test, because when you needed to know driving outside of town was like murder.

I couldn't wait the hour it would take to get back to our apartment so I made him stop at Burger King where I read the instructions twice. It was relatively self-explanatory but I wanted to be certain, this was the most important test I'd ever taken.

It's funny how one little plastic stick can crush every dream you ever had. I stared at that red cross with loathing.

No school, no work, no dreams, I didn't have the freedom to dream anymore… I was going to be a mommy; possibly the worst mommy in the history of parenting.

Or I wouldn't and I would have to live with extinguishing the bright fire of joy hiding in Jared's eyes. I would get rid of it and hurt the only person who mattered to me.

Happy. The bastard was happy…I could see it in his eyes. How could I take that away from him? I had to, though, didn't I? As it was, we lived on PB&J for a month to afford this dress for Christ sake!

"What do you want to do?" He asked calmly, his fingers caressing the side of my cheek which was damp with tears.

"Why do you keep asking me that? What do you want to do? What should we do! What should we do with this bastard child of yours!" I screamed and he flinched, half at my words and half at the volume in which I spat them at him in the empty parking lot.

"I want what you want," he said simply, shoveling a handful of fries in his mouth.

"Give me a light," I said cracking open my handbag and retrieving my half empty packs of Virginia Slims. He looked at them for a long time before he gave in an pressed down the lighter on his ancient truck, metal tab making a popping sound when it was ready.

"Here," he sighed, holding the lighter up and I lit it quickly.

"We can't afford this," I said taking a drag, but I couldn't bring myself to inhale, I kept the smoke in my mouth, rolling it around with my tongue until I let it out.

"I know."

"We don't have room for it," I added.

"I know."

"I would be terrible, terrible, terrible mother," I admitted. He didn't respond, he crossed his arms and coughed, rolling down the windows and looking out into space. "I would," I insisted but he didn't look at me.

"I've seen you with Matty and Krys—"

"He's not a baby, he's a teenager."

"You love him like family," he prodded.

"Of course I do," I answered automatically. Krys had been staying with us for over a month and he was part our family… our family.

"No," I said this to myself. The answer to an overhanging question I had been too disgusted to even voice in my head. Will I have an abortion? No… the answer was a resounding no.

I was pro-choice, seven thousand percent, but looking at how strongly it affected Jared… how much I already loved this thing inside of me; this little thing that I couldn't bring myself to inhale because of.

This overwhelming realization, put a terrible weight on my chest and the tight constricting bridesmaid dress became sweltering. I tossed the unsmoked cigarette out the window with a huff.

"Jared, free me from this evil thing," I sighed, turning to give him access to the back of my dress. He fumbled with the ribbons, his fingers brushing my bare skin as he struggled.

"I can't get it untied," he giggled. All the tension melted in laughter and I gave him the okay to rip it apart.

"Let's just go home okay?" I said, putting on my seatbelt and breathing freely for the first time all night. He passed me a whopper and put the car in gear.

We didn't discuss it any more. Playing the baby spoon I curled into him and dreamt of a baby. My baby girl. She squirmed in my arms as if trying to free herself from me, though she was too small to even hold up her head. Jared took her from my arms and I didn't struggle, I let her go praying that he might deem me worthy to have her back again.

Later she followed me suddenly years older and ragged looking. She stared at me accusingly as I made rounds in a hospital I apparently worked for. I wore crisp green scrubs while she stood in broken down sandals, with dirt caked under her nails.

The dream changed and I was floating peacefully near a waterfall, the cool water splashing around me and sending a soft mist like rain on my face as I drifted on my back. It was beautiful, the sandy shore just out of reach. It was perfect, an oasis that calmed me completely sans the sound of soft crying just out of sight. I tried to steer myself away from the sobs but I couldn't, they surrounded me. I turned to swim to the sandy shore but I was sucked down.

When I shot up and out of the bed, it was empty, I panicked, falling because I was tangled in the sheets. Jared appeared instantly, pulling me off the floor a little more gently than he usually handled me.

"Jar-bear?" He helped me back in bed and my pounding heart started to calm.

"I'm here," he spoke so soothingly, cradling me against his chest. It was still pitch black outside, the windows allowing only the slightest illumination in our room. I kissed him hard, his soft lips not resisting but not reacting.

"I—I'm—God, we're so fucked!" I cried, pressing my cheek to his. It was damp and in the foggy haze of lingering sleep, it took me a while to realize it was his tears. I hadn't seen him cry much, only a handful of times and all caused by me… or intense pain.

"No, baby, it'll be fine. We can go down the Planned Parenthood, I'll call them in the morning. We'll just fix it," he stumbled with the words.

"Jared," I started, but he pulled away making to pull a sheet over me.

I grabbed his hand forcing him to stop, to face me. My decision to keep it child had played out entirely in my head. He thought my tears were tears of loss because I hadn't asked his opinion or discussed our options with him. I knew he would do whatever I decided, but what did he want. Would he be able, willing, ready to take this step?

"I think I want to… have it," I sighed, the words stinging as they left my mouth.

"And keep it him," Jared stammered.

"Him?"

"Or her," he added.

"So, you want a him?" I asked, feeling more comforted in the way he held me now, the way he caressed my cheek and the width of his white smile in the darkness. Could anything bad start with a smile like this?

"I want anything that's yours," he whispered, climbing on top of me, holding himself up by the elbows.

"Ditto," I sighed straining to kiss his nose and cheeks and whatever I could reach. Nothing that came from Jared could be anything other than perfect.