Authors Note: I'm channeling AVPM Ron for this and noone can stop me

"Do you think it has to do with Harry and Ron?" Hermione asked, watching the two teachers disappear.

"Probably," Fred agreed.

"I can't wait to hear what they did," George grinned as Dumbledore got up out of his chair, although the smile on his face was somewhat diminished by his glare at the door where the other two teachers had left.

"Welcome, to another year at Hogwarts!" Dumbledore announced, "Before we begin the banquet, I'd like to say a few words. Lemon! Petrichor! Odyssey!-" he turned towards a boy in casual clothes sitting at Ravenclaw table, "Hoenheim! Thank you!"

The food appeared on the plates as usual, but Dumbledore strode through the center aisle towards the doors of the great hall. Hermione turned to the head table, where an unidentified teacher, who looked slightly spooked by the last word, was trying to act neutral.

"Hoenheim?" Hermione questioned.

"No idea," Fred shrugged, plopping mashed potatoes on his plate.

"Look it up in the library," George added, grabbing chicken.

Hermione ate rather slowly, without Harry and Ron it was a bit boring, although Ginny tried to make conversation a few times, she stuttered a few times, clearly still on edge from the sorting. She began to hear rumors as dinner went on, originating from the Slytherin table. According to them Harry and Ron were expelled for crashing a flying car.

The young professor occasionally looked towards Ravenclaw table to the boy, who was reading a large book with Luna Lovegood sat right next to him. Hermione thought they might be brothers, but couldn't figure out why he was sitting at that table.

By the time desert came around there was still no sign of Harry or Ron, even though Snape and Dumbledore had returned right after it was served, and McGonagall minutes after that, sitting right down in between Snape and the new Professor, who looked like he'd much rather punch Gilderoy Lockhart than eat desert.

Eventually the desert disappeared as well, and the hall fell quiet as Dumbledore rose again.

"Now, some words now that we've all eaten, standard start-of-term notices. First years should know that the forbidden forest on the grounds is forbidden to all students, and Mr. Filch wishes to remind you that magic should not be used in the halls between classes.

Quidditch trials will be held in the third week of the term, anyone interested should see Madame Hooch. And finally, I would like to introduce our new Professors. Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart is taking over Defense Against the Dark Arts this year," Lockhart stood where he sat, grinning charmingly and waving professionally.

"And Mr. Edward Elric is introducing a new core class for first through fifth years, Alchemy," He announced, and the young man stood rather sharply, giving a curt wave before dropping back to his seat. "Don't worry, you didn't forget a textbook," Dumbledore joked looking at the few panicked faces in the crowd, including Hermione.

"Alchemy, like Nicolas Flamel Alchemy?" Neville whispered.

Hermione took another look at Professor Elric, who still looked rather ready to punch Lockhart, "I don't know, I didn't think anyone knew Alchemy anymore."

"And now before we head to our rooms, let us sing our favorite song!"

As always only about a third of the school sang the school song, with the twins singing their funeral march and several muggleborns at the Hufflepuff table singing the YMCA song.

The boys got the password from Percy, and took off to get to the common room before the first years blocked the path. Hermione took her time getting up, watching Professor Elric sit down next to the boy she assumed was his brother, and became just as engrained in the book as he and Luna had been earlier.

The hall was nearly empty by the time she left, a few straggling Hufflepuff's still singing along and finishing up the deserts they stole from the plates before everything was vanished away.

The stairs were luckily empty other than a few stragglers like herself, and it only took a few minutes to get to the Gryffindor common room. Harry and Ron were standing in front of the Fat Lady, clearly attempting to guess the password.

"There you are! Someone said you'd been expelled for crashing a flying car-"

"We haven't been expelled Hermione," Harry assured.

"So the flying car is also out of the question?" Hermione asked, hands on hips. Both the boys sheepishly avoided answering. "Guys-"

"We know Hermione, the teachers have already given us detention," Ron rolled his eyes at her annoyed look, "besides we didn't miss anything- McGonagall already told us Ginny got Gryffindor-"

"Actually we have a new class this year, Alchemy," Hermione cut him off. Harry and Ron both looked surprised.

"Like, Philosopher's stone alchemy?" Harry asked.

"Noone knows, it's a really young guy too, Professor Elric. I think he's got a brother here, but I didn't see him get sorted."

"Weird…" Harry mumbled, as Hermione said 'wattlebird' and the Fat lady's portrait swung open to a loud applause. Hermione sighed, at the house's reaction. Those boys would never learn.

Hermione slid Voyages with Vampires out of her way as she accepted her schedule, ears still ringing from Mrs. Weasley's harsh howler. Errol still laid unconscious on the table despite the racket.

"We don't have Alchemy till Monday," she frowned. Of course, it was a double period with Slytherin, their luck never seemed to hold out with that, but she had been hoping to have it in the next few days.

"Yeah but we have Lockhart today," Ron said in a somewhat mocking tone. Hermione picked up a bread roll and lightly tossed it at his face.

"Ginny and the twins have it Friday… I'll have to ask them how it goes."

When they arrived at Greenhouse 3, sans Harry, who'd been whisked away by Lockhart, Hermione was surprised to see the gaunt golden-haired boy from the Ravenclaw table, reading the same book from last night, which could now be identified as being about plants.

Luckily the boy broke from his reading spell as the class came in, looking at everyone in mild interest.

"Alright before we begin today I'd like to introduce Professor Elric's younger brother Alphonse, he was curious in Herbology so I agreed to have him sit in on some of my classes today," Professor Sprout introduced. The boy gave a shy wave before returning to his book. "Now while we wait for Professor Lockhart to finish with Mr. Potter, can I get someone to help handout earmuffs?"

Neville took the job, and once Harry had come back in and questions had been asked, everyone lined up in front of the Mandrakes, including Alphonse Elric, who was rather shakily holding himself up with a wooden cane next to one of the Hufflepuff boys on the other side of the table. Professor Sprout put one of the larger pairs of earmuffs on the gold boy's head before rolling up her sleeves and yanking up on the plant.

The root-like baby screamed as soon as it was pulled out of the earth, and Professor Sprout quickly plunged it into a bigger pot already filled with dirt. She gave a thumbs up for everyone to remove their earmuffs, pulling off her and Alphonse's.

"Since our Mandrakes are only seedlings, their cries will only knock you out, but as they grow it becomes much more important to keep your earmuffs on," she warned. "Four of you to a tray, plenty of Mandrakes for everyone, pots over here, compost in the sacks over there-" she slapped a spikey dark red plant that was reaching over her shoulder, "And watch the Venomous Tentacula, it's teething."

She, Harry, and Ron were joined by Alphonse and the Hufflepuff boy with curly hair.

"Justin Finch-Fletchley," he introduced himself. Sprout brought Alphonse a tall stool to sit on instead of standing, and the boy looked much more stable. Her and Justin had a discussion about Professor Lockhart, but Harry and Ron seemed pleased when Alphonse rolled his eyes at nearly the same time as them.

Hermione and Justin struggled with one mandrake while Harry and Ron struggled with another. Alphonse stared at the plants intently as they worked, eyeing everything from the plants toes to the viney pattern on the leaves, only taking his eyes off to swat away the Tentacula as it tried to grab her by her hair.

They passed Professor Elric as they headed to the castle to wash up, probably going to get his brother.

"Is that the Alchemy Professor?" Harry asked, trying to wipe dirt off his glasses, but only smudging it more.

"Yes, that was his brother in class Harry," Hermione explained.

"Wasn't he in Hufflepuff?" Harry asked.

"I don't think he's actually a student. I think he's just here because of his brother," she shrugged, "It doesn't look like he can really get around on his own."

"Yeah, I'll say, what do you think's wrong with him?" Ron asked, and Hermione slapped him.

"Don't say things like that Ron!" She hissed, turning back to look back at the greenhouse. Alphonse and his brother were walking out quite literally together, with the older boy holding him up as he walked. While Hermione hadn't asked out loud, she was curious as to what had happened to the boy.

Professor Elric and his brother were both sitting at Ravenclaw table when they arrived at lunch, both once again buried in a large book, although it looked different than the one from earlier.

"I don't blame him if he has to sit next to Lockhart," Ron joked, earning another slap from Hermione.

"Honestly Ron, he seems like a very talented wizard-"

"He seems like a very talented git," Ron joked, raising his hand and Harry met him with a high-five.

"Ronald…" she sighed exasperated. She listened around for anyone talking about the Alchemy class, but she didn't hear a word. Maybe he hadn't taught a class yet.

They'd all finished eating and headed outside for the last fifteen minutes of lunch. She buried herself back into Voyages with Vampires, ignoring the boys as they got rowdier and rowdier, only closing her book when Ron looked about to curse Malfoy, with Lockhart already walking down the steps.

"Look out!" She hissed, and the boys quickly stopped, looking at the Professor with Apprehension. Professor Elric and his brother arrived shortly after, either coming to check out the commotion or heading to another round in the greenhouse.

Lockhart quickly took to Harry's side, rambling on about himself while pretending to talk about Harry. She ignored them in favor of watching the Elric's hobble down the steps in perfect sync.

"Oh yes Edward, I was wondering if you wanted to sit in on one of my classes, I know you don't have a class until four-"

"No," he answered quickly, continuing with his brother towards the greenhouses, confirming Hermione's suspicions.

"Oh he'll come around eventually," Lockhart said with a casual smile. He led Harry, and in association, Ron and herself up to his classroom on the first floor.

"Man I wish I could just say 'No' and skip this class," Ron joked as Lockhart left to open a window.

"Ron…"

"Harry, you should've seen your face, if it'd gotten any hotter I could've fried an egg on it," he joked, "Maybe Creevey and Ginny can form the Harry Potter fan club."

"Oh, shut up," Harry grumbled, face planting into his large pile of books. Ron snickered while Hermione rolled her eyes.

The boys, and most of the rest of their class, were still fuming at dinner, nicks and cuts covering a decent amount of them. Neville seemed to be the only one who didn't care, but he was having an in depth discussion about plants with Alphonse, and Luna from Ravenclaw, who didn't seem to care that she wasn't at the right table. Professor Elric didn't seem to be at any of the tables, and both the Ravenclaw and Slytherin tables seemed to be down a few students.

"Alphonse, what time do your brother's classes go to?"

"Huh, oh his last class had dinner early, there wasn't a lot of room to squeeze third years in because of all the electives they're signed up for," he explained, Hermione still couldn't place the accent, it sounded mostly American, but still slightly off.

"Do you have to wait here till then?" She asked concernedly.

"Oh no, Hagrid was going to bring me to his hut for tea," he assured.

"Yeah cuz Hagrid's the best," Ron added. "I'd rather have him teach Defense than Lockhart."

"Ron would you give it up," She sighed.

"I think it would be more physical defense than magical, but I don't disagree," Alphonse joked quietly. Ron and Harry grinned at the comment, and she rolled her eyes.

She groaned to herself, "I'll be in the library if you need me."

Her research had found nothing, no mentions of Hohenheim in any books she'd looked at, and the Alchemy section of the library was pitiful. She frowned at the realization, but moved onto other things.

Ten minutes before the library was set to close, Hermione packed up her things, just barely far away enough from the door as it was kicked open, revealing a pair of legs and an obscenely tall tower of books that much more looked like a loose interpretation of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Madam Pince looked annoyed at the arrival, and only once he'd walked past did she figure out it was Professor Elric. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know where they all go so don't throw your duster at me."

The Professor walked away with a faint echo and small limp, and Hermione exited the library. Alphonse wasn't in the hallway so either Ed had brought him back to wherever their room was or he was still at Hagrid's.

The door was kicked open again as she got to the end of the hall, and Edward exited the library with a new stack of books, just as tall as the last. She made it to the stairs just in time for them to start turning, but it seemed Professor Elric was heading downstairs anyway.

Harry and Ron were still in the common room when she got to Gryffindor tower, trying to re-tape Ron's wand.

"Ron I don't think it's going to work-"

"It would if you believed Harry," Ron spat back sarcastically.

"Are you sure none of the teachers can do anything?" Hermione asked.

"McGonagall mentioned Professor Elric I think, but we don't have him 'til Monday right?" Harry asked, and Hermione nodded.

"Maybe Alphonse knows how to fix it?" Hermione questioned.

"Yeah maybe," Ron shrugged, stretching his arms and legs out, still sitting on the couch. "Well, I'm exhausted," he got up, Harry following suit, "Night Hermione."

"Night Ron, Night Harry," she waved, heading up to her own dormitory.