Book Two: Kim and the Wolf that Loved Her

Chapter 6: Amen

Unlike Emily's pregnancy with her two giant twin boys, David and Marcus, my nine months with Ethan went rather smoothly. While Emily was on bed rest for the last two months and had a dangerous case of gestational diabetes, I was up and about till the day I gave birth. It wasn't just my health that went well either. Jared's mother alleviated most of our financial burdens by writing us a check that cleared out an account that was meant to Jared's college fund.

With Jared's daylighting as a construction worker and a very busy life as a Sam's second in command it was likely college would never fit the plan. We set up a baby's room in the small apartment we still shared above Quil's family shop, which she lowered the rent on and assured us was ours as long as we wanted it.

With the security of a home and money, we only had to worry about our ineptitude as parents. We bought everything we needed plus some, checked out countless books from the library on everything from breastfeeding to parenting, and on the weekends, we took a birthing and parenting class at the YMCA in Port Angeles.

All around us things seemed to lock in place, the new wolves were settling into their new life, Emily and her newborns were happy and healthy. Jake and the Cullens, after living here for a bit longer than usual, moved up into northern Canada throwing a small party with the pack before they kicked off. Seth, Embry and Quil came back to the La Push pack and Leah, who had left for Seattle the day after Emily's wedding stayed there, working to stop herself from phasing.

Paul and Rachel had a small wedding ceremony on April Fools Day held out in the mountains at a national park. Paul's father helped them buy a small house for themselves on the westside of La Push, and Rachel was now anxiously awaiting her turn to become a mother. She hadn't been able to conceive yet, but the two were trying and making sure everyone knew about it.

I gave birth to my baby boy in the early hours of June 17th 2007, about two weeks premature but entirely healthy. We named him Ethan Dominic Cameron, after hours of grueling searches through countless baby-name books. I liked the way Ethan sounded, regal almost, but Jared liked it for its meaning: strong and long lived. It was the only name other than Matthew that we could both agree upon.

We hadn't originally chosen Dominic, he was set to be named Ethan Matthew Cameron after my brother Matty but during my second trimester, in my first weeks of classes at the YMCA, I made a friend Laura, who was much farther along in my pregnancy.

She already knew her baby was going to be a boy, and told me in passing that he would be named Dominic after her father. She stopped coming to classes and I texted her often to make sure she was okay. I didn't get an answer until a month later though, days after I discovered our little Ethan was going to be a boy, our "life coach" informed us that Laura had gone into premature labor and her boy didn't survive.

The day Ethan came into the world, weighing 7 pounds 10 ounces, rosy cheeked, and wailing, I thought of Laura and her little Dominic. I wrote his name clearly on the charts given to me by the nurses and Jared didn't protest, so wrapped up in the tiny baby in his arms, he could have care less what I named him.

I could have never imagined in my entire life how much love I could feel for one person. No other feeling could compare to seeing and holding your child for the first time. I knew I loved him before I saw him, as all pregnant women do, but my Ethan was special. He had personality before he even took his first breath, he kicked and turned, when I played The Kinks. He loved music, I could almost feel his joy radiating through my body. His favorite song was "Lola," and almost on cue every time the chorus rang, he moved, my little dancer. I considered naming him Lola before I found out he was a boy. He liked Jared's voice almost as much, and at times, as if he were trying to wave hello, he pushed his little hand out so that the outline could be seen through my belly.

Ethan was a quiet and peaceful baby, a blessing Emily had not gotten—her boys did three things in a constant rotation: eat, cry and poop. I know biologically they needed to must have slept but in the three months before Ethan was born, I watched the twins closely and I never seen them sleep once. They terrified me. Would I ever sleep again?

David (the older and larger of the two) would scream, kicking his little legs until he was red and sweating from exhaustion. Marcus, already being called Mark by the time Ethan was born, ate more than should have been natural, meaning he produced twice as much poop. Emily had a lot of help though; her sister Joanna and mother Stephanie, as well as a very patient Sam, helped her with this 24-hour cycle of digestion and frustration.

I was lucky too. My best friend Crystal, my adopted teen Krys, and Jared's mom, Cindy never let me feel overwhelmed. Whether it was bringing me food or just keeping me company I was surrounded in more love than I ever imagine. Becoming a mother made me constantly think of my own mother, and how hard it must have been to do alone.

Jared, the sweetest man alive, was so scared of hurting Ethan that he avoided most situations where he had to move of handle him in any way, but he pampered me in every way possible. He worked long hours and still came home to clean and cook. He didn't leave my side, Embry and Paul taking over the pack as Sam and Jared, equally doting fathers, obsessed over their new children.

Krys was particularly helpful, he felt as though he had to repay us for taking him in and on night when Ethan struggled to sleep Krys rushed to his side for feeding or needing a changing. I was probably the most well-rested new mother on the West coast. With our Ethan in the world, with everything in our life coming together, we started to plan our wedding, until the day we were forced to help plan a funeral.

*:*

July 1st 2007, 10:17pm:

"Absolutely not, Krys, I forbid it," I whispered, Ethan cooing loudly in my lap. I was trying not to excite him so he'd take the hint and get to bed already.

"You're not my mom, Kim," he hissed, then as if realizing how rude he sounded, added, "I only want to do it for you."

"Krys, you have no idea how much that means to me, but you are as good as my son and my sons are going to finish high school. Isn't that right, baby?" I asked little Ethan, his eyes concentrated on the sound of rain against our window pane.

"Kim, I know it cost a lot to keep me here and with the baby you—"

"Shut up, will ya? You know I love you, right? I probably don't say it enough but I love you, Krys, you're not a burden and you are not dropping out of school to work. You're only a sophomore for Christs sake," I said with a note of finality.

Jared sat at my side nodding his head in agreement while rubbing his big palm over Ethan's tuff of black hair. He was a pale baby, with exaggeratedly large brown eyes. He had a pouty heart shaped mouth and chubby little cheeks. When I first saw him he was red and puffy all around so that when they brought him back to me it was hard to believe he was ours. At first glance he looked nothing like us. He did have my large lips and, upon closer examination, he had Jared's perfectly arched eyebrows and brick reddish specks in his eyes exactly like my mother but overall he didn't look much like us.

"Okay… I love you too Kim and you baby, Lola," Krys joked placing a gentle kiss on Ethan's soft forehead. The phone rang, three times in quick succession before Jared stood to answer it.

I had been expecting a call from my mother, not because there was any real sign she would but because I had dreamt of her constantly since Ethan entered the world. At first I thought it was entirely a subconscious connection, a dream-world fear that I would turn out like her, but as time went by I realized it was because I loved her. I continued to love my mother and being a mother now I wondered, even worried about her. Part of me even believed it was a premonition of sorts, proof I needed to find her to try to help or repay her. She had been a bad—shit, terrible mother for the last ten years of my childhood but she had brought me into the world and she had cared for me before her addiction claimed her.

"Cameron residence," Jared answered quietly, trying not to speak too loudly because Ethan was likely to get excited. Krys took Ethan from my arms, bouncing him lightly as he took him out of the kitchen.

We all knew he should have been asleep but he wasn't having it tonight, giggling and cooing, forcing the three of us to trade him around and take turns showing him around the living room. Krys had the most calming effect and like the little expert he was, he cradled Ethan in his muscled arms and took him into a less brightly lit part of the house.

Jared turned back to me, holding the phone away from him for a second before he spoke into the receiver again. "We'll… I'll be right over," he sighed pressing the off button.

"What?" I asked from my seat at the table.

"Baby… Krys, can you take Ethan to my mom's, please?" He called, my precious Ethan peeping out from over Krys' shoulder.

"What?" I asked standing so quickly my head spun.

"Baby…you should sit down," he instructed and I walked to him, grabbing his arm roughly.

"You're scaring me, Jared," I said as Ethan started to cry shrilly in Krys' arms.

"It's Crystal, she was in a car accident," he said grabbing me by my waist.

"Is she okay?" I asked pleadingly, he shook his head once before pulling me closer.

"Jordan is at the hospital, he just identified her body," Jared sighed. Krys came to my side immediately, using one big hand to soothe Ethan, the other to rub my back in circles.

"I was just— are they sure it's Crystal?" I was just with her yesterday.

"Yeah... I'm sorry."

*:*

When someone dies, I don't know if this is just me, but it doesn't seem real. I can tell myself Crystal's dead, Crystal's dead, Crystal's dead— but in the back of my mind I still go through countless scenarios where it wasn't so. My mind swam with millions of scenarios possibilities where this could all be a mistake. She hadn't actually died. It wasn't actually her. There was that girl years ago, she was in a car accident or something and they thought she was dead but she wasn't, they pronounced it and everything. But it was real, she was gone.

Matty arrived before the sun came up, driven down by his aunt Jenny, who was very pregnant. Matty, now thirteen, lanky and crack voiced, stopped at the Cameron home to see me for first before rushing to Jordan. They hadn't spoken since Matty told him he loved him, but it didn't matter now.

A sweet numbness engulfed me in the days following, going through the motions and spending my energy to make sure Ethan had everything he needed. I appreciated this anesthetized state of being, as I would have otherwise been stunned beyond the capacity of daily functions. This numbness allowed me to eat, drink, shower, and occasionally sleep, while all the arrangements for her funeral and her assets (most of which were her grandmother's assets), were signed over.

I went with Michael to the state appointed attorney. Jordan and Michael had been in Crystal's custody since their grandmother's death, so CPS quickly stepped in and they were officially wards of the state. Cindy was beat to the punch by Sue, who signed the papers for their legal guardianship as soon as she found out, and just like that the two orphans were made Clearwaters.

Jordan locked himself in the old Varn house with Matty, the two stayed there for more than twenty-four hours, not communicating with anyone but each other. Michael and Anna, who was now his girlfriend, took up most of the responsibility, working together like a solid unit. This was the first real tragedy the pack had faced together and if I hadn't been frozen stiff, the compassion would have been touching, but as it was nothing could reach me. My wolf-girls, Rachel, Emily and even Claire, tried to comfort me but there was no relief once the crushing weight of reality kicked in. Crystal was dead.

I forced myself to keep together, giving myself tunnel vision for Ethan. He was my responsibility, my dearest possession and I doted on him to an extreme. Everyone tried to take him off of my hands: Krys, Emily, Cindy, Jared, but I wouldn't let him out of my sight. Things in this world come and go so fast, too fast.

*:*

July 3rd 2007, 9:45am:

Sue gave Michael the freedom to decide how to honor his sister. Michael and Anna chose to have the wake at their home, the Varn home. There would be no viewing of her body which had been badly damaged in the accident, just a simple urn with her ashes, a picture and food. She was cremated and the home was cleaned and readied for the wake by the pack; Michael and Jordan had no remaining family.

Jordan emerged from his room in the early hours of morning, showered and dressed in a simple pair of dress pants and a black button down, set out for him by Solace and Embry. The gathering was small, the pack, families of the pack, Crystal's friends and Jake who came down from Canada alone to show support for the Varns, though he didn't know them well.

Sue and Anna played hostesses, though Anna stole the show making sure everything went smoothly for her boyfriend. Just fifteen years old, she held herself with the grace of a woman standing by Michael's side as he welcomed guests and gave a speech.

Jordan stood next to Matty, at points holding his hand while hiding in the corner. He didn't cry as he had with his grandmother, he stood erect looking blank faced and cold as people gave him empty pats and words of condolence.

"My sister was a dreamer. In our lives tragedy has struck countless times but she never stopped believing in something more," Michael started. He looked older and it wasn't just his wolf genes, his eyes showed his instant maturity. He had become a man far too soon.

"Crystal had many friends. She was known for her humor, her smile and her extensive sometimes obsessive knowledge of pop culture." Michael continued. I laughed, it started as a giggle that transformed into a chuckle which broke out into a full on side grabbing laugh.

It was the worst time for memories to return to me, I tried to hold it in but couldn't. I remembered the days when the two of us would run to the edge of town to get Teen Bop and Seventeen magazines, Crystal stashing them under her shirt and dashing out the store. Once, after having stuck the magazine tight under her training bra it slipped, tumbling to the floor just as we reached the door.

"Sorry," I whispered, half standing to leave but Jared pulled me back forcing me into my seat. Jenny, who sat next across from me shot me a glare but I ignored it. If she were here, if Crystal were here right now, ghost or spirit, she would want me to tell that story. Crystal was an amazing story teller, the energy she gave to every story, no matter how silly, made everyone in the room turn and listen.

"In the months after our Gran's death, Crystal found a renewed faith. She was strongly religious, an active member in the community church, volunteering her time to the Lord. A member of her congregation would like to say a prayer—"

"Wait," I almost screamed, shooting out of my seat and to the front of the room where a makeshift stage had been set up.

"But first Crystal's best friend would like to say a few words," Michael said, looking at me in a way that clearly read if you make a scene or ruin this I will kill you, and I believed it.

"I'm sorry, I—I…I knew Crystal since second grade," the tears that had been locked before now started to flow but I ignored them. "I met her in Mrs. Dooley's class, and I thought she was a cry-baby. During recess she always hogged the tire swing and I hated her for it." Mindy, our childhood friend, dressed in uncharacteristically conservative clothes, chuckled and like encouragement I plowed forward. I didn't know what I was going to say, I had years and years worth of material to share.

"We didn't become friends till fourth grade when we shared a mutual hatred for our gym teacher. There was never a day in my life after that point that Crystal wasn't there for me wh—when I needed her. I love you, Crystal." I couldn't say anything more, my body so drained from holding in my sobs I felt sore all over.

Solace's mom, Yvonne, the church lady passed me, gripping tight to a Rosary and prayer book, as I made my way back to my seat. Jared my savior caught me just as my legs gave way; he held me by the waist making sure I didn't fall, but not calling attention to me as Yvonne said a prayer.

"We beseech Thee, O Lord, in Thy mercy, to have pity on the soul of Thy handmaid. Thou, who hast freed her from the perils of this mortal life, restore to her the portion of everlasting salvation. Through Christ our Lord, Amen," Yvonne said, crossing herself.

"Amen." The crowd repeated uncertainty. We were not a community known for our religious devotion. Cindy kissed us both and took Ethan home with her to give us some time alone. We said our goodbye and Jared guided me through the door. The thick humid summer air assaulted me when we reached the bottom of the stairs and like a dream she was there.

"Mom?"

*:*

She looked like hell, worse than hell, worse than I ever seen her. She was missing a tooth in the front of her mouth and she looked so skinny it scared me.

She had moved on from smoking her meth to injecting it, the bruises all over her arms screamed for attention. We talked civilly for awhile, she told me she was living in Seattle now with a man who was a friend of my father's. We tried to act as if nothing had just happened, as if she hadn't sold her house and left us behind without a word, but things like that don't go unsaid.

She apologized, so many times that it made my stomach hurt. Months ago I needed, no I was burning for her apology, but looking at her now no apology could make it better. She was a shell of the women I grew up with and I just wanted to make her better. It wasn't my responsibility, I knew that but I wanted to help her. I offered a few different options including rehab that I wasn't sure we could actually afford but she refused any help from us when she saw pictures of our Ethan on the walls.

She didn't know about him, there was no way of knowing, and I showed her every picture we had, which was quite a few because Jared's mother was over the moon with him. Halfway through the first album, she began to cry, big racking sobs and I tried to comfort her but to no avail.

She left after we tried to feed her, running out our door, through the streets and out of sight. Matty returned an hour later with Cindy and Ethan, I didn't have the heart to tell him of our mother's plight, I just hugged him tight kissing all over his face until he couldn't take it anymore and pushed me away.

Ethan fell asleep holding my pointer finger tight in his palm, safe and sound in a bassinet next to our bed. That night I mourned two important people in my childhood because I knew neither Crystal nor my mother would ever come back.