Author's Note: Ooh look I put the apostrophe aren't I fancy, look I'm up to two views

"Professor Ed saved our asses last night," Ron cheered.

"Ron! Mrs. Norris-"

"Hermione, if it had been Al's cat, maybe I'd feel bad," Ron joked. "But nothing good would've been happened if everyone found us there."

"Did you hear Malfoy last night? You'll be next, Mudbloods?" Neville whimpered as they made their way to breakfast.

"You think Malfoy did it?" Harry asked.

"He is a little snake… wouldn't be surprised," Ron admitted as they entered the great hall. They sat down next to the twins and Ginny. "Didn't Bill mention something about the Chamber of Secrets once?"

"Don't remember," George admitted. Ginny looked like an absolute wreck, puffy tear and insomnia induced eye bags on her face, pale as a bed sheet. The Elric brothers arrived much later with Winry the cat strutting behind them, apparently sensing the mood and assuring everyone that she hadn't been petrified like Mrs. Norris.

"What could even Petrify a cat like that? Why even bother?" Hermione asked.

"If they hadn't written on the wall you could say maybe someone tried to break in, everyone knows that Mrs. Norris meows to bring Filch around…" Fred guessed.

"But now the castles on high alert, it doesn't make sense," George argued. The Elric's sat down at Ravenclaw table, although Winry came over to their table, jumping into Ginny's lap. Ginny pulled the cat close, and Winry purred reassuringly.

"In the long game though… the mandrakes are just growing… Mrs. Norris might not be back to normal until the end of the year. Assuming they don't attack again until everything's calmed down," Hermione pondered.

"I don't think we're ever going to have a normal year at Hogwarts," Neville sighed, eating his breakfast."

"How about we just get Malfoy expelled and see if everything stops?" Ron asked, and Harry nodded at him in agreement. Hermione looked at them like it was a horrible suggestion. "What do you think we should do? Walk up to Malfoy and go 'Oh hello Malfoy, just wondering if you've petrified any cats recently?"

"Not like that!" Hermione defended, "I've got an idea… but the books in the restricted section…."

"Lockhart'll sign anything, you can probably get him to sign a book sheet," Fred joked.

"Or you can just ask the world's shortest teacher," George corrected, pointing at Ravenclaw table. "He's signed out a few books for us."

"I keep forgetting he's actually a professor," Harry said.

They went up to his office after breakfast, and like Fred and George said, he didn't really care.

"Are you trying to kill Malfoy, Snape, or Lockhart?" he asked.

"No?" Harry answered, confused.

"Good enough," and signed the note.

The librarian didn't seem to like Ed's liberal use of the restricted section, but let them check out the book anyway. Their plot to brew the Polyjuice potion was officially underway.

Ron and Hermione were standing at the front of the stands, having arrived early to get good seats. Neville stood a few feet away, wrapped tightly in his Gryffindor scarf.

Hermione spotted Professor Ed first, who was putting Alphonse down after climbing up the tight staircase up to the stands, waving the two over. Ed put his brother up on the bleachers, high enough for him to see while sitting, and jumped down, landing between Ron and Neville.

"Where's Harry?" Ed asked, and Ron pointed over to the Gryffindor side. The pitch was adorned with green and red tapestries. "George and Fred are the ones with the clubs, right?"

"Yup, they're beaters," Ron agreed, and Madame Hooch blew the whistle and the game began. Ron, Hermione, and Neville followed the game, while Ed kept a watchful eye on the clouds darkening above, and the bludgers, which were being hit around the pitch with seemingly no abandon.

"Is that one supposed to be following the seekers?" Ed asked a few minutes into the match, pointing out one that was seemingly ignoring the hits the beaters were giving them, instead curving around and heading back towards Harry.

"I think it might be jinxed," Hermione blanched. Lee Jordan made the same announcement, but resumed commentating as Slytherin scored.

"Why's it always got to be the first game of the year," Ron groaned. Fred and George were seemingly doing their best to keep the dirty bludger occupied, hitting it with all of their might in the opposite direction of Harry.

Fred hit a particularly good shot, but it just gave the bludger more speed to fly back at Harry, who was unfortunately floating right in front of them, or specifically, right in front of Ron. Harry zoomed off and the bludger who was still trying to adjust for the change in direction, was now flying right in front of his face.

A hand shot out just in time, and a loud metallic bang occurred when Ed seemingly caught the bludger in his bare hand. Rain began slowly dripping from the sky.

The stadium seemed to fall into dead silence, with the exception of Lee Jordan, "I mean, I know he's not a student but ten points to Elric."

"Bloody hell Professor," Ron gasped as Madam Hooch called a time out. Hooch personally flew over, grabbing the feisty bludger with a skeptical eye and a very harsh grip, tucking it in between her arms and her stomach to keep it from escaping.

"Is there any replacement bludgers?" Ed asked, as Hooch glared down the malfunctioning ball.

"No…. either they can keep playing or forfeit the match until a later date. I don't think we could keep this thing out of play even if we wanted to," Hooch admitted as it bucked, nearly pulling her off her broom. "Is your hand okay?"

"Yeah, it's fine, why?" Ed asked. Hooch flew off shaking her head, and the match restarted, the bludger going at Harry while Fred and George did their best to help Gryffindor score enough points even if the snitch was a lost cause.

Meanwhile Professor Ed flexed his fingers and rolled his wrist before declaring himself fine and going back to watching the match. He did look vaguely in pain as the rain increased from sprinkling to downpouring.

"What was the metal sound?" Hermione mouthed.

"No idea," Ron shrugged, flipping up the hood of his robes and turning back to the match.

McGonagall had seemingly taken over normal commentating as Lee Jordan kept an eye on the bludger that was trying to kill Harry.

Despite Ed's earlier comment from last week that they'd leave when the weather turned sour, he stood strong, face pale as he tracked the bludger with precision, until he seemingly came across something more interesting.

"Malfoy's an idiot, the snitch is right next to his head," he laughed although he sounded a bit sick.

Harry paused midair as he seemed to notice the same thing, long enough for the bludger to come back around and hit his right arm in the elbow with a sickening non-metallic crack. Everyone in the crowd hissed, surprised when Harry still went after Malfoy, taking his good hand off the broom stick to catch the snitch.

Professor Ed bolted from his spot and to the stairs that led to the field, and Ron noticed that Harry seemed to be speeding towards the ground without his hands to steer the broom. He crashed before anyone could do anything, but with the exception of Madam Hooch and the other players, he was the first person out on the field.

Ron and Hermione quickly raced down, and luckily no one got in their way, making it to Harry at the same time as Lockhart who'd been coming from the opposite side of the field.

Professor Lockhart accidently, although it looked rather forceful, pushed Professor Ed out of the way, and was unfortunately the first thing Harry came to to.

"Oh no, not you," Harry whined, and Ed snickered before lightly pushing him out of the way.

"That looks like a Madam Pomfrey problem," Ed decided, seemingly bracing his legs to pick up Harry and carry him himself.

"Oh nonsense young Edward, I can fix it," Lockhart decided, and Ron and Harry groaned.

"I'd rather keep it broken thanks," Harry grumbled. They heard a clicking noise as Colin Creevey got a picture. Professor Ed seemed to have the same mentality, and picked Harry up with apparent ease. Ron turned away for a moment to watch Fred and George try and shove the cursed bludger in a large box, with the thing fighting them all the way. Alphonse arrived after a rather burly seventh year Ron didn't know carried him down.

"Well, hold him steady now," Lockhart said, raising his wand and casting a spell. Apparently he didn't have the best of aim, since it hit Professor Ed instead, somehow bouncing off of his right arm and right back at Professor Lockhart, hitting him in the leg. The man crumpled suddenly as his leg seemingly rubberized.

"Ah well, that can happen," The man admitted, although he looked like he'd rather much barf than keep talking. Professor Elric suddenly put Harry back down on the ground, dropping to the ground, clutching his shoulder.

"Hey professor you okay?" Ron asked, and Fred and George walked over, apparently having gotten the bludger into the now violently vibrating box.

"Lockharts not in any pain though, it doesn't make sense," George said, looking to Fred who shrugged.

"Well the spell rebounded off of Ed, and Lockhart lost his bones…. A magic spell that fixes a broken bone eliminates the broken bone and replaces it with healed bone so… Professor Ed must be growing bone…" She blanched. "We should get them back to the castle quickly."

Fred and George went to pick up Professor Elric, nearly losing their balance in the process, "Jesus, compared to your brother you weigh as much as Hagrid."

"Oh-shut up," Ed growled. Angelina Johnson, who was apparently much stronger than anyone gave credit for picked up Harry easily, following after the twins as they carried off Professor Ed.

Someone mentioned casting a levitation charm on Lockhart, but Hagrid ended up tossing the man over his shoulder, in rather fitting payback to the day at Hagrid's hut when he was puking up slugs. He also grabbed Alphonse from the large Gryffindor boy, putting him up on his other shoulder.

Him and Hermione ran up to catch up with Harry and Angelina, although Ed, Fred, and George weren't that far ahead. Ron thought they'd be stronger than that, but they had had a rather rowdy game of defense trying to protect Harry earlier.

"I wonder why the spell reacted differently to Ed than Lockhart," Hermione asked. "Or how it bounced off."

"Maybe Professor Ed's got a fake hand."

"It hit him in the arm Ron, besides he does alchemy with his hands," Hermione rebutted.

"He also caught the ball that shattered Harry's elbow in his bare hand," Ron stressed.

"I wonder if they're gonna have to make a teacher hourglass now, didn't Lee give him ten points?" Angelina joked.

They heard something break ahead of them, although they didn't have time to check it out since they were all trying to get to the Hospital Wing, although Hagrid not-so-subtly tucked it in his pocket out of sight.

Professor Ed, who'd looked sick even before what'd happened, looked paler than Malfoy by the time they'd arrived, and Hermione pointed out blood stains on the shoulder of his robes before Madam Pomfrey whisked him away to her office. Hagrid entered the office with Alphonse once Lockhart was put in a bed, and McGonagall and Snape soon arrived, also walking into the office before slamming the door and likely locking and silencing it with magic.

"Oh I'm sure he's fine," Lockhart assured.

"You literally removed all of the bones from your leg," Fred argued.

"You don't really get to argue who's fine," George affirmed. Angelina waved them goodbye, probably not wanting to deal with the man longer than she had to, or going to get the rest of the team.

Snape suddenly stalked out of the office, a large frown on his face. "You really should've left it to Madam Pomfrey Gilderoy," he warned before stalking out of the wing. Lockhart's face, already pale, blanched farther. Something crashed to the floor in the office before the door was shut again.

"Is he going to be okay?" Hermione whispered quietly.

"I dunno, they sure locked him up in that office real quick," Ron said.

"Do you think it has to do with how he caught the bludger?" Harry asked

"Maybe," Hermione frowned. Madame Pomfrey exited the office, quickly shutting the door behind her. She looked flustered despite her best efforts to hide it.

"Now let's look at that broken arm," she said shakily. It took two spells, one to reset the elbow and another to fuse the bones together before Harry's arm was back to basically normal. Madam Pomfrey had him change Harry's shirt to a standard pajama shirt before putting his arm in a sling. "It's mostly healed but because it's a joint I want you to wear that for the next few days."

"Now you Mr. Lockhart, what on earth were you thinking?" She scolded. "We have the Hospital Wing for a reason. Now I can heal broken bones in a jiffy but it takes time and pain to grow them back." She poured out a beaker full of potion from a large bottle, handing it to the man roughly. "You'll have to stay the night."

"Is Professor Ed alright?" Hermione asked.

Madam Pomfrey frowned, "We were able to stop the growth, but we'll have to do a minor surgery to get the extra bone out…"

"Surgery?" The twins asked.

"I'm sure he'll be fine, but Alphonse may choose to cancel classes until he recovers," she sent another pointed glare at Professor Lockhart. "Now you four ought to get cleaned up," she pointed to all of them but Harry, "You can stay or go, it's your choice."

Everyone turned to Harry, who turned to Lockhart, and then turned towards her office. "I'll stay I guess."

"Right then, now you four scat."

"We'll tell everyone you're okay Harry," the twins said together as they walked out of the hospital wing, still dripping rain and mud on the floor.

"You sure you'll be alright?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," Harry assured.

"I'll bring you robes tomorrow morning!" Ron shouted as they left.

"Maybe he has a metal brace," Hermione pondered.

"What?"

"Professor Ed. I mean… Alphonse still can't really walk… And Ed has a little limp-"

"He does?"

"It's hard to tell when he's running around," she admitted. "Maybe he had the same thing as his brother, whatever it might be."

"Maybe," Ron conceded. "But fake hand's still way cooler." He wasn't surprised that Hermione slapped him.

Author's Note: Is it obvious that I'm posting this at two a.m. cuz I feel like it is