Author's Note: I wonder if those three first viewers have stuck around this long? God I sound weird

Professor Ed was their favorite professor for many reasons. He let them do anything they wanted within reason as long as him or his brother were supervising, there were little to no deadlines and they were allowed to learn at any speed they liked. He hated Lockhart and wasn't too chummy with Snape. And best of all, he was funsized even if he was ridiculously heavy, and so the twins could pick him up whenever they liked. Which is what they did when he was leaving breakfast that morning.

"Professor Ed!" they cheered, each grabbing an arm and lifting him up.

"Isn't it too early for this?" He asked tiredly. He'd stopped fighting them a while ago.

"Absolutely not," Fred denied.

"Saw you arguing with Dracula at the staff table?" George questioned.

"He was convincing me to help him keep an eye on Lockhart with him during Dueling club tonight," He grumbled as they put him down.

"Dueling club?" They questioned.

"Yeah, in Snape's words, 'it's somewhere for the students to learn defense since that bumbling idiot doesn't seem to be teaching them anything.' But since Lockhart's the defence teacher…" Ed grumbled as they put him down.

"Well, maybe you'll get to punch Lockhart," Fred joked.

"The only benefit," Ed sighed, and they both laughed. Ed was even more wrapped up than usual, limping casually. "I think a blizzard might be on the way," he frowned, hand resting on his shoulder.

The twins both frowned, the professor always seemed to be missing when the weather got bad, but he didn't seem sick yet. "See you at dueling club?"

"Yeah I'll be there," Professor Ed agreed. They waited for Alphonse to catch up before heading separate ways.

"Gather round everyone! Dueling club is about to begin!" Lockhart cheered, and the twins snickered at the trio's disgusted look as the man strolled in. The fireplaces in the emptied great hall were roaring against the force of the Blizzard, enchantments keeping the heat from escaping.

Professor Ed was standing off to the side with Snape, arms folded and a long pale, winding wand stuck in his left hand. They hadn't actually ever seen the professor with a wand they realized, and never seen him do magic.

"Now, Professor Dumbledore has granted me permission to have this little dueling club-"

"Because they got a vampire and a teenager to supervise him-" Fred whispered, and George stifled a laugh.

"-to train you in case you ever need to defend yourself, as I have done on multiple occasions, if you hadn't read my books,"

"You made us all buy them," George whispered.

"-and continue to do even after the unfortunate incident with my leg-"

"You did that to yourself, but go off I guess," Fred muttered to themselves loudly enough that a few nearby Ravenclaws snickered.

"Now. Let me introduce my assistants, Professors Snape and Elric-"

"CUT HIS HEAD OFF PROFESSOR ED!"

"IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF DUELING, RON!" the room erupted with quiet laughter.

Lockhart looked rather annoyed with all the interruptions, "Severus tells me he knows a tiny little bit about Dueling, although I doubt Edward's ever done so with magic, but they both sportingly agreed to help with a short demonstration. Now I don't want you kids to worry, you won't get your Professors back in pieces… Or at least you'll get them back as they came," he added awkwardly, and Professor Ed rolled his eyes.

"You think Ed can take 'em both out?" He heard Ron ask Harry from further up in the crowd.

Ed seemed fine to watch as the two other teachers turned to face each other off, wands raised like swords.

"As you can tell, we're both holding our wands in approved-combat position, on the count of three we will both cast to disarm-"

"This'll really help when Slytherin's monster shows up, I'm sure a minor disarming spell with get rid of that thing," Fred grumbled to himself.

They both shouted "Expelliarmus!" and Lockhart was rather spectacularly tossed into the air towards the back wall, hitting it and sliding down into a rather dramatic sprawl.

"Do you think he's dead?" Hermione worried.

"Man, I hope so!" Harry and Ron cheered.

Lockhart got up unsteadily, dizzy on his feet, "Well, there it was," he nearly tripped getting back onto the raised platform. "Uh I think I've misplaced my- Ah thank you Miss Brown- An excellent demonstration by Professor Snape, but it was obvious what you were going to do," he defended stumbling to a stop. "I let him do that for, demonstrative purposes."

Snape and Ed's eyes looked ready to roll out of their heads, along with most of the audience, and Lockhart quickly moved on to dodge the pointed glares, "Right then, let's split you all into pairs. Severus, Elric, if you could help me-"

Ed luckily took their side of the room, matching them together, and Ron and Hermione together before Snape kidnapped Harry to duel with Malfoy.

"Face your partners, and bow-" Lockhart instructed. Fred turned to him, instead doing a rather exaggerated curtsy, while he responded with a mimed tip of the hat.

"And on the count of three move to disarm your opponents- only to disarm," Lockhart warned. "And one… two… three-"

The room descended into chaos, Harry already on the ground before the rest of the room even waved their wands. Naturally Malfoy fought dirty.

George casually disarmed Fred, just enough to toss his wand, but they quickly moved to dodge someone else's spell that went way off target. While the room should've just been filled with vibrant red and pale white light, there seemed to be a variety of spells flying around.

"I said disarm only-" Lockhart shouted in false sternness, but no-one seemed to care.

Professor Ed was seemingly trying to stop as many of the vicious fights as possible, he was eventually hit by a fifth years, bombarda and was blown over to the other side of the platform. Fred and George quickly hopped over the stage, expecting the Professor to be down for the count, and instead just finding a singed sleeve over the professor's metal arm.

They saw a fifth year Slytherin point his wand at the tiny Hufflepuff second year he'd been paired with, and Edward quickly lept in between the pair, taking a stupefy to his metal arm, which jerked before falling limp at his side with a faint grunt from the professor.

"FINITE INCANTATEM!" Professor Snape shouted, and suddenly all of the chaos in the room stopped.

"I never would have said it before this year-" Fred started.

"But thank god for Professor Snape," George agreed.

Professor Ed was knocking on his metal shoulder like something had come loose, but luckily Snape seemed to notice and cast the charm again directly at the metal arm, which painfully, but quickly resumed function.

"Oh dear," Lockhart muttered nervously, walking around the room, "Well, I'm sure that will stop bleeding if you pinch it hard enough-Maybe we should try… blocking spells?" He asked himself, clearly unsure of his actions. "Let's put uh… Neville and Professor Ed?"

"I think Edwards been hit by enough awry spells tonight, better not send him to Madam Pomfrey in more pieces than usual. How about Malfoy and Potter," Snape suggested. Edward looked annoyed and relieved simultaneously, probably glad Snape hadn't fully tossed him under the bus.

"Excellent idea!" Lockhart agreed, if only to cover his own ass.

Harry cautiously got on the stage with Malfoy, and the three of them stood next to a Hufflepuff boy from second year and Neville, who'd apparently been battling him.

"Now Harry, when Draco points his wand at you do this-" Lockharts wrist spun in a multitude of seemingly random directions before it slipped out of his hand. "Ah, oopsie-daisy," he picked up the wand, "Good luck!"

"So much for the boy who lived," Fred joked.

"Wait what do I do?" Harry suddenly seemed to realize Lockhart hadn't taught him anything.

"Just do what I did!"

"What, drop my wand?" Harry asked confusedly as Lockhart suddenly shouted "Three!"

"SERPENSORTIA!" Malfoy shouted, wand raised, and a large black snake shot out of the tip of his wand, landing on the stage with a loud thump, hissing loudly. Most people backed away from the stage as it slithered towards Harry.

"Don't move I-"

Snape didn't get a chance as Lockhart pushed past him, "Allow me!" He confidently wove his hand, and the snake was blasted several feet into the air like Ed had been thrown earlier, and hit the stage with another thump. The snake, agitated, quickly turned towards the closest person, which happened to be the Hufflepuff second year.

Harry started doing something, hissing like a snake, it looked utterly ridiculous but the snake stopped moving. Professor Ed quickly moved forward, grabbing the snake by the head with his metal hand. The body of the snake wriggled angrily, but couldn't attack.

"What the hell was that?" the Hufflepuff stuttered as Snape came over and quickly vanished the snake.

"Well either Harry was trying to speak snake-" George deduced.

"-Or he's developed a rather spectacular lisp in the last three minutes," Fred joked.

The Hufflepuff still looked anxious, but less like he was about to flee the room. Ron and Hermione quickly pulled Harry off stage, and despite the fact there was still half an hour left of dueling club, most of the group began to leave, chattering aimlessly. Professor Ed grabbed his many coats that were piled up on the floor, and began shrugging them on as they left.

"Man I can't believe Snape kicked Lockhart's ass-"

"Maybe Potter was speaking Parseltongue?"

"He's a Gryffindor you bloody idiot-"

"I mean, Draco's the one who made the snake, maybe he's the heir-"

"I mean, who else could it be?"

"I really wanted to see Professor Ed kill Lockhart though-"

"I wanted to see myself kill Professor Lockhart," Ed admitted, and the group that was gossiping laughed. When they got to the second floor, Professor Ed waved goodnight, and the rest of the group kept going up to the dormitories, splitting up by house depending on the floor.

They eventually caught up with the second year trio, who were whispering at each other like always.

"So Harry Potter, king of the snakes-"Fred announced dramatically.

"Very funny," Ron said sarcastically.

"We're just joking, no-one seems to care about it anyway, too disappointed that Little Eddie didn't slice off Lockhart's head with a sword," George added, and everyone but Hermione quietly snickered.

"He's doing his best!" Hermione argued.

"I know, Ed was disappointed too-" Fred joked.

"I meant Lockhart!" Hermione clarified.

"If that's his best I can't imagine his worst," George grimaced, Hermione walked ahead of them, stomping up to the Fat Lady. George couldn't imagine how she still liked the Defense Professor.

The blizzard was slamming into Hogwarts the next day and all outdoor classes were canceled, mostly consisting of Herbology, Care of Magical Creatures, and Astronomy. Hagrid was even given a room in the castle last night, and for the near future, with Fang slobbering around the castle, clearly happy with the environment change.

Professor Ed looked like a coat rack with the way he was bundled up at Gryffindor table during lunch, a large fluffy hat stuffed on his head, and Winry sat on his lap, content with being a heating pad. Alphonse, dressed like a normal human being, was drinking hot cocoa, chatting happily with Neville.

Lockhart was at the staff table rejoicing the staff about how successful dueling club was, and darling Professor McGonagall, just like always, looked like she wanted to stab the man in the hand with a fork. Professor Snape, who'd apparently given up, was sitting at Slytherin table with several seventh years.

"You cold Ed?" He joked. Ed simply took off the glove on his right hand, and pressed it directly against his face as he sat down. George recoiled from the freezing hand. "Alright, fair enough."

Ed pulled the glove back on, going back to his breakfast. Alphonse looked almost completely normal, with the exception of his slightly odd walking pattern, and somewhat thin frame. He was walking with little to no assistance, but still used his cane and the railing when he used the stairs.

"Are you staying during the winter break?" Alphonse asked.

"Of course we are, the Weasley's don't turn tail and hide just because a monster's running around petrifying students," Fred announced, puffing up his chest.

"Besides, as awful as it is, I don't think it's going after purebloods based off of the legend," George added.

"I think the other two musketeers are staying though," Lee jabbed his thumb further down the table to Harry and Hermione.

"George, we must dedicate our winter break to protect our dearest Hermione-"

"-Using the valuable skills that we've learned from dueling club!" George cheered, and they both puffed up like Lockhart must do every morning in the mirror.

"What, do you mean dropping your wand and running?" Ed joked.

"Exactly," Fred said snobbishly, "It's a Lockhart patented maneuver."

They all snickered at the comment, until suddenly the Elric Brothers father burst through the table like a ghostly jack-in-the-box. Lee threw his sandwich so hard it hit a Slytherin far across the hall in the head.

"There's been another attack, One of the ghosts and a Hufflepuff boy have been petrified," he warned. Professor Ed quickly jumped from the table and ran to Dumbledore, with Winry just barely being able to land on her feet from the fast disturbance of her seat. Fred pulled out the Marauder's Map from his robes, activating it and shoving it under the table. The ghost looked at the map in interest before pointing out two stationary names by the transfiguration corridor.

Dumbledore and all the teacher's quickly ran by, and they caught up with Ed, limping as usual, "It's Justin and Nearly Headless Nick in the transfiguration corridor-"

"Thanks, but stay here!" Ed warned, running off after the others. All of the students turned towards the ghost, who suddenly seemed very uncomfortable with being the only adult in the room.

"Hey what's going on!"

"Where are the teacher's going?"

The ghost awkwardly went to the podium at the back of the great hall, not really caring whether or not the staff wanted the news to be kept secret.

"There has been another attack, Justin Finch-Fletchley and Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington have been petrified," he announced, Hufflepuff table and the rest of the muggleborns seemed distraught while half of the room seemed confused.

"Who?"

"HE MEANS NEARLY HEADLESS NICK!" George clarified, and the rest of the room fell into chaos.

Ginny started crying, a Hufflepuff muggleborn fainted, and a Ravenclaw ran out of the room screaming. Ginny was the only person they could help, and they both quickly sat on both sides of her, and Winry the cat, like always, quickly jumped into her lap.

They kept Ginny company until Dumbledore arrived, clearly sensing that everyone already knew the news, and canceled the rest of the classes for the day, and everyone stampeded to their dormitories, ready to barricade themselves in the only location that still felt safe.

The next morning ninety percent of the names that had been on the Hogwarts stay list had been crossed off, and everyone seemed on edge.

"I can't believe you guys are staying," Angelina grumbled into her tea.

"Oh come on, you know how tough we are-" Fred flexed. His arms practically twigs in compared to hers.

"Plus we aren't muggleborns," George added.

"Nearly Headless Nick is a ghost and he still got petrified," she argued, "A GHOST."

"Yeah, but he might've been a muggleborn ghost," Fred argued.

"Just because it only goes after muggle-borns does not mean you can't get caught in the crosshairs," she argued, slamming her empty teacup down on the table and stomping off.

"She isn't wrong you know," Lee added quietly.

"Oh come on mate, not you too," Fred groaned.

"A lot of people's parents aren't even letting their kids come back after winter break regardless of blood," Lee added. Fred and George frowned.

"One stupid monster and everyone flees. Noones even died-"

"Someone died the last time it got let out. They expelled someone for it and it came back anyway," Lee warned, "I'm not trying to argue with you, I'm just saying the optimism's in bad taste."

They frowned again as he left, running after Angelina. Ed and Alphonse entered the hall late, with Alphonse steering his brother towards them, as he seemed dead on his feet.

"They did a whole castle search last night," Alphonse explained as Ed collapsed onto the bench, promptly face planting into the table, "Ed volunteered and got a little too… into it."

"When did you go to bed?" George laughed.

"I didn't," Ed groaned. They noticed he was indeed wearing the robes from yesterday.

"Rest in peace," Fred mourned, as several other exhausted teachers walked in, including Snape and McGonagall, but not Lockhart, who apparently valued beauty sleep over the safety of children, and had been at the staff table the entire time.

"Might wanna change," George advised.

Ed looked down at his robes, frowned, and transmuted them right on his body. The fabrics all switched colors with each other right before their eyes.

"Wicked," they cheered.

"Wait, do you do that everyday?" George questioned, and Ed winked before walking off, presumably to try and find a house elf that could make coffee. Alphonse stayed for another minute before following, limping less than his brother.

When they arrived in the alchemy classroom, they weren't surprised to find professor Ed asleep in the front of the room, legs up on his desk, Winry on his lap, and head against the blackboard. The blackboard itself was doodled on by a number of people, and someone had drawn cat ears in chalk behind his head. There was also a chart which said "classes since Professor Ed woke up" with two tally marks before that. Then there was a ridiculous amount of doodles, along with several more artistic drawings of Ed slaying Lockhart with a sword. The only official thing on the board was "STUDY HALL" written in Alphonse's blocky handwriting, and a small note that he'd be in the library if anyone needed help with anything.

They loudly took seats at the front of the room, but Professor Ed was apparently too tired to wake up from that, and since they'd rather not be killed by Ed for purposefully waking him, they sighed and went to their notes as their classmates entered. The last kid casually barricaded the door shut with a chair like it would be able to stop any monster that tried to get in the room

A few of the Ravenclaws took the class time to work on their History of Magic homework due next block, and occasionally a student, usually with someone else just for safety, would go up to the library to ask Alphonse a question. The bell eventually rang, and everyone but them left. They didn't really have a place to be since Herbology was still canceled, and didn't feel like moving to the library or common room.

Fred got up and added another tally mark to the board, before sitting back on top of their desk as the fifth years entered. The first group of students entered very similarly to them, slamming their books down on their desk, but the Professor barely twitched.

"Is he petrified or sleeping?" One of the Gryffindor's joked.

"Not pale enough to be petrified," another replied. "Don't you guys have Herbology?"

"Nah, canceled from the snow," Fred answered. The older Gryffindors shrugged and sat down.

A few of the Slytherins spent the class trying to wake the Professor up from a safe distance, tossing little balls of paper from right beside the door, ready to book it just in case. The Professor didn't wake up, even when one bounced off his eyelid, and they admitted defeat as the bell rang for dinner.

Fred added a successful fourth talley before shaking the Professor by his left shoulder until he woke up, blinking tiredly, and luckily not ticked off, "It's dinner time."

"But… I didn't have a single class," Ed mumbled, getting up and stretching.

"You technically did, you just slept through all of them," George said, pointing to the heavily doodled board.

"Oops," he admitted, and they both snickered. The Professor shrugged on his many jackets before limping to the door.

"Did you break your leg?" Fred asked.

"No, I think the knees jammed or something," Ed shrugged, banging on the knee plate with his metal hand, other than a rather spectacular banging noise, it didn't seem to do anything. "I'll clean it out tonight and see if it does anything," he grumbled as they went down the stairs.

Alphonse had managed to beat them down, and was standing by the Great Hall doors, lightly balancing on his cane. "Is your leg still acting up?" he worried.

"It's fine," Ed grumbled, limping past him. Alphonse frowned, but followed after him. The twins shrugged and joined him.

Professor Ed, not really one to care about modesty or adult standards had rolled up his pant leg the second he'd sat down, doing several exercises, that made it seem like the leg was working fine, and that students were very easily distractible when fake legs were involved. The trio had slid down the table to watch, with Hermione staring intently.

Ed frowned but fixed his pant leg, stretching out his legs before going to flip to the right side of the table when Hermione suddenly cried, "Oh that's what's wrong!"

"What's what's wrong?" Ed asked, stopping with his legs on the bench.

"Oh I see it," Fred laughed, pushing down the Professor's knees so his legs were flat down on the bench. "You idiot, you've outgrown the stupid thing."

Ed frowned, finally realizing his flesh leg went at least an inch past the other one. He stretched out his arms, and realized they were nearly as bad.

"I'm sure Flitwick knows a charm to extend the things without screwing them up," George added.

"Right," Ed still looked annoyed as he turned towards the food, scooping up a large portion of ham before eating it faster than should be humanly possible.

"Ah our dear Professor Ed," Fred swooned.

"He grows up so fast-" George agreed, landing in his brothers arms. Ed looked like he wanted to punch them, and probably would've if he wasn't eating.

Sure enough, the next day Professor Ed wasn't limping, apparently fixed up by Professor Flitwick like he was some sort of mechanic. The great hall was decently empty, as most students were packing up for the winter break, or in more unfortunate cases, were packing to stay home until Hogwarts was once again safe.

Snape was once again at Slytherin table, and they watched Professor McGonagall get more and more irritated with Lockharts babbling, until she slammed down her goblet, grabbed her breakfast, and came over, sitting down next to Professor Ed. Professor Lockhart looked around at the staff table, finally just realizing that most of the people he talked to had disappeared.

"I give up," she sighed, taking a long sip from her goblet as Professor Ed sniggered. Dumbledore looked rather amused from his spot at the staff table, until Lockhart seemed to realize he was the closest person to talk to.

"So Professors, what are you doing for Christmas?" Lee asked.

"Same as always Mister Jordan," McGonagall commented.

"Should I ask exactly what Christmas is?" Ed questioned boredly. Professor McGonagall looked surprised, but Fred looked absolutely blessed.

"Ah, Christmas is when Dumbledore roller-skates around the castle, shooting candy canes into students mouths," Fred replied. McGonagall rolled her eyes.

"Christmas, is a gift giving holiday," she corrected. "We put up trees in the great hall and have a small feast with the remaining students."

"I wonder if Lockhart'll stake out under a mistletoe," Lee snickered.

"Professor Lockhart is returning home for the winter break. None of us felt like bringing up that teachers aren't supposed to leave," she added, and they all laughed. "At least he'll only be here for this year," McGonagall sighed in relief.

"Why?" Ed questioned, looking rather confused.

"Ah the positions cursed mate," Fred explained.

"None of the last four professors lasted the whole year, only Quirrel died though," George added.

"They were all pretty bad at teaching too," Fred grumbled.

"We, the students, are cursed to have lousy Defense education," George said dramatically, falling against his brother as if dead. He cracked an eye open to see McGonagall and Ed roll their eyes simultaneously, and burst out laughing at the sight.