"Pour me another," Logan all but demanded the bartender, his words slightly slurred from the ridiculous amount of alcohol he had already consumed. The bartender shot him a disapproving look, but Logan didn't really care, the bartender turned around to make him another drink anyway.
A heavy sigh escaped the dark-haired boy's lips.
How had he gotten himself into this mess? How could he - of all people - have done something so completely and utterly irrational? How had he let himself fall so undeniably head over heels for his best friend's little sister?
Logan didn't want to harm his friendship with any of the boys, or the band, much less Katie herself, sadly that was exactly what he was doomed to do now. He knew it. No matter how he looked at it, Logan just couldn't look at it with any sense of hope. There was a reason he didn't go out on dates very often. He had somehow managed to screw up every single relationship he had ever had. Of any sort of romantic nature that is, he had by some miracle managed to hold onto his friendships and the somewhat cold relationship with his parents.
The bartender returned with his drink, nearly slamming it down on the counter where Logan sat.
It didn't take the twenty-two year old too long to finish his drink, calling out for another one. "Pour me, pour me, pour me another. It holds me, holds me, like no other. One more drink and I swear that I'm going home, truth is I don't really have a place to go," he gently sang under his breath, finally realizing which song had been playing in the back of his mind. Pour Me by Hollywood Undead.
Logan requested the bartender to put it on, which the bartender reluctantly did.
A soft, humorless smile played on the edges of Logan's lips as the mere accuracy of the lyrics struck him like a bucket of cold water, suddenly making him feel completely sober.
Without the numbness the alcohol provided, Logan felt his chest clench, making him remember all too well just why he was drowning himself with alcohol in the first place. The pain in his chest was unlike anything he had ever experienced before.
Even if Logan looked past the whole problem with him being doomed to mess up whatever potential relationship he wanted - needed with Katie, and the fact that Kendall would throw a fit and kick him out if he found out about his feelings for the younger girl, there was still that one big problem - Katie would never look at Logan in more than a brotherly way.
That was when Logan remembered the events, that final drop that had caused him to run off to a far off bar - the fact that Kendall had indeed discovered the true nature of the short boy's feelings for a certain member of the Knight family. Of course meaning Katie, which resulted in Kendall throwing a fit, yelling furiously at Logan for a good half-hour before finally kicking the short boy out of the apartment, willing him never to return again and adding with more hate to his voice than Logan had ever heard to 'stay the hell away from my sister, or else...'
Kendall had never finished his threat, but it didn't make it any less intimidating. If anything it only made the threat that much scarier, because it let Logan think of all the worst ways to end that sentence. And believe me, he had some rather gruesome options. Still, Logan couldn't decide which option was worse, being cut open with way too dull of a knife, or facing death.
With another heavy sigh, Logan decided it best to end the night and find somewhere to spend the night. A hotel, a park bench, anything would go, really. He couldn't deny though, that a huge part of him secretly wished that somebody, anybody, would knock some sense into Kendall and let Logan return. He really didn't want to leave Big Time Rush, not like this. And he definitely wasn't as keen on starting his medical career as he had once been. But above all, he didn't want to loose his childhood friends over a stupid crush he had.
Okay, there was really nothing stupid about it, or irrational, nor was it just a crush, it was much more than that. Logan had watched Katie grow from baby, to girl and then finally to a beautiful young woman. He had watched her beauty bloom from baby-cute to the drop-dead gorgeous she now was. He had shared way too many moments with her than he would ever be able to count. He had sung her to sleep and held her while she cried; comforted her when the thunder was crashing down or her world seemed to crumble around her. Logan knew every single one of her insecurities, knew her personality like his own. No, to Logan it was much more than a crush, it was pure love, the kind that left him want nothing more and nothing less than her and to spend the rest of their lives together.
Having Katie would be a guaranteed key to his happiness, but not having her, knowing he never would either, caused him more pain than he thought he could handle.
Logan paid his tab and left the bar, barley able to walk. To say his mood was gloomy would be an understatement. His entire life was crashing down. But it wasn't just the fact that Katie would never be his that tore at him. Few people knew of his past, not even his closest friends and band-mates knew, the reason why Logan really transferred schools – he was bullied to the point where he was ready to end his misery, permanenetly. Sure, his family had moved, which Logan used as an excuse, but the real reason was that he was mentally tortured all through kindergarten and elementary school. That was why he had started burying himself in the only books he could find in the house, his father's old medical books. Logan never really dared to go out when he didn't have to, afraid of the world around him. Logan's life had been a living hell.
Arriving at the new school and meeting Kendall, Carlos and James, Logan had gotten his first real friends and slowly things took a turn for the better. Accompanied with months and months of therapy his problems eventually vanished, but deep down he still wore the scars of his painful past. The wounds might have healed, but the scars would never go away. Not really.
It didn't exactly help either that his grandfather, whom he loved dearly passed away when he was about ten.
After a little while in therapy, without his friends knowing, he got over it and was fine, really. But then fame struck them and like always, fame came with haters. Lately it had gotten a lot worse. He had started feeling a little self-conscious with the paparazzi on his tale every minute of every day, then he started gaining a little weight, not much though, but enough to make him displeased with the person staring back at him in the mirror. Topping that with even more hate and negative comments about his looks, you got a self-loathing guy. A miserable one too, who currently didn't really have a place to stay.
Logan hadn't noticed he was moving, but there he was, all alone in a deserted park. It was late Wednesday night, or technically early Thursday morning, so most people where tucked in their beds sound asleep.
Logan envied all the people who had a warm, cozy bed to go to and a warm embrace waiting there for them. Someone they loved above anything to cuddle with. Was that really too much to ask? Having someone – no, he corrected himself mentally, only Katie would do. But having Katie loving him back, even with just a fraction of the love he had for her, was that really too much to ask? Why couldn't he be granted the absolute bliss of waking up with her in his arms, curled up to his chest – anything?
Logan's knees caved in under him and he slid down to the ground by a withering old tree. The pain was too much to bear. How was he supposed to go on like this? All alone. His friends where gone. Kendall would make sure of that. His parents where still in Minnesota, and they didn't have time for him anyways. The band… well, without their friendship, he would be kicked out. It might even be the end of the entire band. He really didn't know if the guys would go on without him, or if the fans would stay. Oh, who was he kidding? Of course the fans would stay, he wasn't that important to them anyways. He never had been. And Katie…
Logan's heart shattered. Pulverized, stomped on and burned even. Abused and tormented to the point he was wondering how his body was still functioning.
A lone tear silently slid down his cheek. Logan wiped it away, only to let another escape. And another one. Soon the tears where flooding freely. Logan didn't want to go on with his life, and he was desperately aching for the comfort of the alcohol's numbness and his own warm bed. But he knew neither where an option now.
After what felt lie an eternity of silently crying, leaned up against the tree trunk, Logan finally got up as his tears finally stopped rolling. He knew he must look like a zombie where he walked drunk and puffy-eyed. After walking until he was sure his feet would be a bloody mess, literally, he finally found a hotel. He didn't know whether it was a five star hotel, a downright dump or somewhere in-between, but he didn't care. He was about ready to black out for the night, rather to never wake up again, so if they had a vacant room, he would gladly take it so he could wallow in his sorrow until he passed out.
He didn't know what he said, or what the woman working at the front desk had said, it was like Logan was on complete auto-pilot, but he was handed a key after he swiped his credit card and headed to his room. He collapsed on the bed, not able to get out of his clothes and buried his face in the soft pillows.
He didn't think he had fallen asleep, but he apparently had when he was woken up by the constant buzzing of his cell phone on the bedside table. He groaned as he realized his head was pounding. He should have known not to consume that much alcohol. The buzzing finally stopped and let his head heal from the noise for what couldn't have been longer than a minute, before picking up again. Hissing under his breath in pain, Logan reached over to the phone, picking it up. "Hello?" he said groggily, his voice lightly laced with pain from his headache. "LOGAN? Dear god, you're alive!" Carlos shrieked relieved, making Logan whimper in pain. "Carlos, could you keep it down a bit?"
"Are you hung over?" Carlos questioned accusatory. The line stayed silent, but Carlos took that as a yes. "How DARE you run off and get drunk, not letting us know where you are? We where all worried sick!"
"CARLOS!" Logan shouted back, tired of being accused when he wasn't the blame. Not all alone at least. "I was kicked out."
A silence filled the line for a few moments. "What?" Carlos asked softly. "A-are you serious?"
"Yeah," Logan breathed, rubbing his eyes. He was not ready to have this conversation, it would only cause more drama and his head was not up for that. Logan wasn't so sure it would be good for his mental health either, not that it could be harmed that much more.
"Wh… who would do that?" Carlos asked. Logan could hear some noises, almost as if someone fought to get Carlos' phone out of his grip. Given by the sounds of it, they succeeded. Less than a second later a set of smacks rang clearly through the line and the phone was dropped to the floor. "Quit it guys," Katie's voice sounded, sending shards of pain through Logan's chest. "Katie," her mother muttered disapprovingly from the distance. There was another silence before the phone was picked up again.
"Logan, where are you? I'm gonna pick you up right now," Jennifer Knight asked worriedly. Although the woman no longer where his guardian, he couldn't help but to feel like she was his mom in more ways than one.
"Uuuuhhmm…" Logan rolled over on his side and turned on the lamp placed on the bedside table, scanning the room for anything with the hotel's name on.
"You don't know where you are," Jennifer noted in a barley audible tone, clearly on the verge of tears. A pang of guilt coursed through his body. Nobody knew of his fight with Kendall apparently, and Logan hadn't told anybody where he was. He should have known they cared about him no matter what.
Finally, Logan's eyes landed on a tiny note pad with the name of the hotel on. "Hang on," Logan said and got out of bed and walked over to the mahogany table placed out in the cozy, not too big lounge of his hotel room. He had to blink and rub at his eyes a few times before he could see clearly and read the name for Mama Knight who said she'd be over as fast as she could, barley remembering to ask for the room number.
By the time Jennifer arrived, the fact that Kendall had kicked Logan out of the apartment was the last thing on Logan's mind. Frankly there was about nothing on his mind besides how badly his head hurt.
Logan still wasn't able to walk properly, and even if he was, Jennifer would have refused to let him walk on his own so she supported the brunette as best she could.
The second they stepped inside the apartment, Jennifer brought him over to the couch and got out a glass of ice cold water for him, attempting to wake him up properly, and getting rid of the remaining alcohol in his system. "Logan, what on earth where you thinking?" she asked a mix of worry, concern and anger in her voice. Logan was about to reach for his glass of water and Jennifer looked like she was about to say something else as Logan was nearly squished into the cushions of the couch by the force of the two men throwing themselves at him in an attempt at a hug. "LOGAN!" Katie shouted cheerfully and joined in on the hug. Logan groaned in pain, his head pounding violently.
"What…" her words trailed off, and she decided to rephrase what ever she was originally going to say. "You're hung over, aren't you?" Katie asked, a frown on her face.
"Big time," Carlos said, "no pun intended."
Logan's eyes, never leaving Katie, registered her half smile, but couldn't overlook the worry in her eyes.
"Logan Hortence Mitchell," a furious Kendall all but snarled, punctuating each word, suddenly making everyone aware of his presence. "I thought I kicked you out?" Kendall asked, his tone was cold enough to freeze the entire apartment over.
"You did what?" his mother asked. Logan had never heard or seen her this pissed off before. Ever.
"Kendall, what the hell where you thinking? You have no right whatsoever to kick anybody out of the apartment, much less treat your best friend like that! Do you not see how badly this could have turned out? Logan could have been assaulted, or worse, killed!" Jennifer was furious.
"Well, it's not like he's completely innocent either," Kendall retorted.
"Oh really? What could he possibly have done that is so bad?" Katie asked.
"HE…" Kendall's words trailed off. He couldn't exactly shout out that Logan was in love with his baby sister. While Kendall wasn't exactly Logan's biggest fan and really would rather be anywhere but where Logan was, he wouldn't shout out to the woman of his affections that Logan was in love with her. They had been friends for too long for him to do that.
"You don't even have a reason, do you?" Jennifer asked, her tone was a lot calmer, but she was obviously still infuriated with her son's behavior. Ashamed even. Jennifer Knight had never before been ashamed of her son, but this. This was crossing the line. Kendall's best friend could have been seriously hurt, or worse.
"We had a fight, okay?" Kendall finally said. It was true, they had been fighting for a while before Kendall found out about Logan's feelings and threw a fit.
"Still Kendall, you can't just kick him out!" Jennifer said furiously.
After fighting some more, the group disassembled and let Logan get some rest. Although he was hung over and the others where still a little mad at him for going out like that and getting drunk, they where really more worried about him and found it best to leave him to recover. Logan dragged his feet over to his room and collapsed on his bed in the dark room. His eyes fluttered closed.
"Logan?" Katie's voice was a soft whisper. "Yeah?"
"Why? Why would you do that to yourself? There's something about you… you seem absolutely miserable."
Logan let out a heavy sigh. Should he open up to her? He wanted to talk to somebody about his troubles. He needed to.
"All the negative comments finally got to me… and…" he paused to take a deep breath, preventing tears that where threatening to fall from escaping his eyes. He took another deep breath and told his story in detail from his entire childhood. How he was bullied for being a nerd, for being different. How he had been in therapy twice and everything he had never told any of his friends. "That's why I've picked up drinking, because it soothes the pain," Logan finally ended his monologue and looked up at Katie who had tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Logan. I had no idea how much pain you've gone through."
Logan flashed her a bleak smile. "I've never told anyone all of this, besides my shrink and parents, of course."
"Not even Kendall, Carlos and James?"
"Not even them," Logan confirmed. "Then why would you tell me?"
Yeah, why would he tell Katie and not any of the guys? Well, obviously the answer was that he was in love with her. But he couldn't bring himself to tell her that and face the rejection doomed to come. Not yet. He had to prepare himself mentally for that first.
"Logan, what was the real reason Kendall kicked you out?" she asked softly. Logan froze. There was really no way he could avoid telling her.
"We had a fight."
"About what?"
"Don't really remember," he told her truthfully. Looking at Katie, he could tell she wanted the whole story. With a shaky breath he started telling her the reason why he was kicked out. "He freaked out and threw a fit, yelling at me for over half an hour. Because he found out that…" he let out another shaky breath, "that I'm in love with you."
Katie's jaw nearly dropped to the floor. "Y-you love me?"
"Yeah," he said afraid of the rejection he knew would come. "B-but why?"
"Because you're amazing, Katie. You're smarter than anybody else I know, you handle business in a freakishly natural way and you're drop-dead gorgeous. But above all you have a personality that outshines anybody else and a heart of gold."
Katie was blushing lightly and smiling wildly. Before either of them really knew what was happening, Katie leaned in and brought him into a kiss. The kiss quickly grew passionate, before Katie pulled away.
"How could anybody not love you back? You're amazing, Logan, don't ever think differently. I love you, just remember that, okay?" she said and gently kissed his lips again. A bright smile spread out across his face. But Katie started to fade away, feeling panic course through his veins, Logan's eyes fluttered open, his smile vanishing by the minute. A silent tear slid down his cheek.
It was just a dream.
Katie didn't really love him, and Kendall still hated him.
His whole confession had been nothing but a dream.