So much Angst. Soooooo much pain. But there's some parabatai magic in there.

Don't be cross with me. Comments and input is very welcome. (tags adapted btw).

"Well, you know who this is… tell me who you are, and I might just call you back."

Magnus' charming and playful voice was a stark contrast to the rising agitation Alec felt boil over somewhere in his stomach.

"Magnus. Please, call me back. I need you. Urgently."

He was losing count on the number of messages he had left on Magnus Bane's answering machine. Two? Five? Alec resigned himself to put his phone back into his pocket.

He was still standing on the stairwell in front of the infirmary hallway where he had stopped, unable to approach or retreat.

"But… hey…!" - Jace had just been pushed out of the treatment room where the field medics were fighting for Isabelle's life. "Jace. Come on." Clary tried to placate him, worried that in his distress he might just punch the young field medic in front of him in the face. He looked barely older than 16 and had been assigned to the New York institute only a couple of weeks ago. "Please… let them to their jobs." Clary's calmness, as so many times before, seemed to reach him and his resistance deflated in a scornful huff directed at the blond medic who turned around and shut the door.

This is all your fault.

Alec's conscious mind had finally caught up with the present.

How could you let this happen?

He had stood in that same spot some 10 years ago, in a situation that had felt just as dramatic to his 13 year old self. It was in the early years of the Lightwood trio. Jace, Alec and Isabelle were young, utterly reckless and convinced that there was nothing in the world they couldn't take on. Nothing. As a result, they had spent enough time in the infirmary rooms together to have developed a game around it. How many times would each of them manage to be in each single one of them…? Or be treated by a certain number of medics on rotation?

This time had been different though. Isabelle, while teaming up with her brothers on patrol had fallen from a ledge and broken her right leg. The strongest bone in the human body. She had been in so much pain as Alec carried her in his arms into the Institute.

Maryse, tense, high strung and extremely ambitious on account of her three children, had blamed Alec almost immediately. Like she had always done. He was the oldest one after all, the most level headed of the trio and thus responsible by simple parental confirmation.

The reproach and disapproval in her voice had become his own inner voice long ago. And disapproval had mixed with expectation and pressure. It was at the basis for not only for his protectiveness when it came to his baby sister, but also for his extreme tenseness and obedience towards the law in the past.

Alec was responsible for Isabelle's and Jace's well being. He was supposed to have their back.

And he had failed so miserably at that.

How could I let this happen?

"Alec…!"

Jace was calling out to him, but somehow the words never really reached Alec who had already turned around and left for his office.

"What …" Clary looked puzzled as Jace made a deflated grimace. Reaching out through their bond, he brushed up against what felt a steel wall. Alec had shut him out and was hiding behind a wall of psychic projection.

"Oh, no, you don't…!", murmured Jace under his breath before going after him, ignoring the look of concern Clary was turning on him. The parabatai link was still a complete mystery to her. It felt technical and odd, she knew the modalities, but it was like learning chemistry formulas to understand that hydrogen and oxygen were water. It could never tell you what water actually feels like.

She could tell that sometimes that bond was experienced like a burden. To be this close to a person… it felt intrusive and intimate. Sharing feelings and fighting moves was only part of it… it demanded also to share deepest thoughts and motivations. It was, by all means, what a relationship between lovers would feel like to her. But then again, she was young, she thought to herself, and couldn't compare even half of her experience to what Jace, Alec and Izzy had lived through at their age as Shadowhunters.

When Jace caught up with Alec, it was in his Institute Head Office, where he was already typing furiously on a tablet, pulling up security footage and setting up an incident report.

He hadn't even bothered to take off his ichor stained jacket or his utility belt. He just stood absorbed behind his desk, completely ignoring Jace who stood in the doorway, an angry look on his face.

"Alec…! What are you doing…?!" - "What does it look like?", came the flat reply. "I want everyone's incident report in as quickly as possible."

The anger within Jace that had painted itself all over his face, dissolved into utter disbelief. "An incident report..?! Alec. Have you completely lost your mind…?"

Jace regretted his words as soon as they had left his mouth. Darn. Alec lifted his head to look at him, his brown eyes full of torment, while his face looked unfazed to anybody but his brother.

"No, Jace. I haven't lost my mind. I want to know what happened." The last syllable of his last word, dropped ever so slightly, betraying his emotions just enough to his best friend and brother. Again, Jace pulled on the bond, out of instinct. It was their way of letting the other know that they were not alone through something else but just words. His insistence on reaching out to him wasn't lost on Alec.

"This… it can wait." Jace's words were imploring. He knew his brother. They had shared their lives together, fought and bled together. And now, Isabelle was badly hurt. They went in as three, and they might well only come out two this time.

"Alec!"

Jace had never been great at hiding his emotions. What was the point anyway… and now, his expression stood somewhere between worry and consternation. He could feel that Alec had retreated way back into his own mind and tried to distract himself from the terrible realisation of Isabelle's condition by focusing on administrative duties and analysis.

"What…?! What do you want from me, Jace…?!" Alec finally pulled himself up to his full height, stepping towards Jace. "What? I need to know where we went wrong. Don't you get it…? I need to know…"

"Stop." Now it was Jace's turn to step closer to Alec, the stress of the last hour tensing around the edges of his aura, daggers in his eyes. How could Alec be this disconnected? Now, of all times.

"Just stop!" Jace's anger, stress and pent up adrenaline channeled themselves into a gesture that couldn't have been more misplaced given the situation. He pushed Alec with both hands, shoving him backwards, as if to drive home his demand.

The pained yelp barely registered with Alec, as if his body was already not his own anymore. He was on auto-pilot.

Jace noticed however.

"Alec. I know you are hurting. I can tell you're hurt physically too… just… do something. How can you not feel this…? It's Izzy… she's dying… "

"No." Alec finally exhaled. Yes, he was hurting. At this point it was hard to pin-point exactly what was hurting more. His body or his mind or his heart.

"This is not your fault. Nothing could have prevented this. No amount of intel could have prepared us for this. This… it's not your fault." Finally, it seemed that Jace had found the right words, he could feel the steeliness that tinged their bond on Alec's side diffuse somewhat.

"There was so much blood… Jace." His head still bowed, Alec was contemplating a dried blood stain on his hand and sleeve. His? Izzy's? Jace's?

"I know." Jace's reply was barely louder than a whisper. He was close enough to reach out his hand and touching Alec's arm, wrapped him in a deep embrace. "I know."

Tears welled up inside Alec. A flood was preparing itself. A mix of emotion, exhaustion and fear, and long forgotten memories. When he pulled away, Jace had a piercing, and distinctly worried look on his face.

The moment that had passed between them had made Alec lower his steely defenses and through their bond, Jace could tell that Alec had been injured during the fight in the warehouse. The throbbing presence of bruised muscle in his own chest that felt like a memory and the sharp pain across his back were a clear indication to him that Alec was running on fumes and needed medical attention.

There was an unspoken exchange between the two Shadowhunters, and after a beat Alec pulled off his jacket, not without trouble. There was a moment of hesitation, as if he thought that was enough to placate Jace's insistent stare.

With a deflated sigh, he pulled off his black long-sleeved shirt, revealing a whole set of glorious bruises that had started to form across his chest and torso where the vetis demon had rushed him against the wall, crushing his chest and breaking bones.

Jace pulled out his silver stele and activated Alec's healing rune by running its tip over the dark traces of the elegant design on his side.

"It won't help with the poison though." Now it was Alec's turn to glower at Jace. "What…? Did you think I wouldn't notice?" The blond Shadowhunter shook his head in an expression between annoyance and mock surprise while Alec occupied himself to pull his shirt back on, ignoring the huge gash in the fabric that ran across his upper back where another demon had managed to drive his claws into him.

"Later," Alec replied to the unvoiced demand to have his wound be looked at by a medic. He picked up his phone instead. There was still no reply from Magnus.

Where are you…?