Chapter 26
BPOV
As Edward settled in behind the podium to issue his statement I couldn't help but wonder what he had been doing for the last three days. Why hadn't he contacted me at all? Even though I suspected that he wouldn't have given me a chance if I hadn't turned out to a Sinclair it hurt to hear it confirmed. If I had not been deemed 'acceptable', even if only on the surface, in his social circle he would have walked away from me. How would he have been able to do that? I was treated with disdain, sometimes by Edward, and still I found it impossible to turn away from him without trying. When I heard him say he wasn't sure what he brought to the table since I had been married to Edgar I brought my full attention back to Edward. Is this what his issues really were? Was he jealous of Edgar? Of my marriage? Did he think he wasn't enough for me? The Edward Cullen I knew was not an insecure man, so where was this coming from?
He looked as if he was struggling so I stepped forward and placed my hand on his back. He had to know that I would support him publicly even if privately we decided not to continue our relationship. I was shocked to say the least when he announced he was moving his office to Chicago; I never thought he would make that kind of a move. In my most honest moments with myself I had expected him to ask me to spend most of my time in Seattle. Edward was a proud man, moving to Chicago would make it appear as if he was giving me the upper hand. Things started to click together. Had his reaction in New York been about his pride? Is that what he meant about not knowing what he brought to the table? Because I didn't need him to take care of me he felt...unworthy? Is this what the last week had been about? My mind was spinning with questions.
When he stepped back and held his hand out I knew what he was asking for, a chance. As I reached out he closed his eyes and I heard his sigh of relief. When I placed my hand in his I felt his body physically relax. "Thank you Bella. I love you." I heard him say softly. I squeezed his hand to let him know I would hear him out. "I love you too Edward but you have some explaining and groveling to do." I said to him as the reporters continued to shout their questions. As we moved to exit the room I felt the need to let him know where we currently stood though. "This is your last chance Edward, don't fuck it up." His grip on my hand tightened and I knew he understood that I meant what I said.
Walking out of the press room I heard the rest of the Board as well as Emmett and Garrett following us to the conference room. I introduced Edward to the rest of the Swan Board before we got down to the business of finalizing the timeline for the next steps of the project. Emmett was representing The Cullen Group so Edward stayed in the background but I could still feel him watching me as the meeting progressed. I chanced a few subtle glances at Edward and was surprised at how intently he was watching the proceedings, almost as if he was waiting for something to happen.
I was barely listening to the conversation at the table; I would be abstaining from any votes so I let my mind wonder. As I thought more about the possible reasons Edward may have for pushing me away I started to become angry. If this was about his insecurities then I had nothing new to offer him. I had already said every thing once and if he didn't believe me then, well, I just didn't have it in to me beg. He would either believe me or not but either way he needed to make a decision and stick to it. For the first time I began to wonder if Edward really was the man I had originally met. Maybe what I saw in him was buried too deep to surface for very long. That thought made my heart ache because if that was the case I couldn't have the life with him I hoped for. I couldn't tolerate the asshole but I also wouldn't be able to stroke his ego and have my career be second to his for the rest of my life. Thinking about it was giving me a headache so I focused back in on the meeting. I signed off on everything that was decided, we agreed to meet in several months for an update and people started filing out of the room. I knew Edward hadn't left the room, I could still feel him looking at me. I gathered up my things before I stood to look at him.
"I know we need to talk Bella and I have a lot of explaining to do but first I want to say thank you for giving me this chance at all. I know I don't deserve it but I am very grateful for it." Edward said from across the room.
"I meant what I said Edward, there won't be another one. I suggest you make this one count." It looked like he deflated some. "Where are you staying?"
"I'm at the Fairmont now but looking for a condo or apartment." As I watched I could tell he was very nervous. "Is there a time that is best for you for us to get together to talk?"
"I have a thing tonight and I am sure you want to get things settled over the next few days so how..." Edward interrupted me as he crossed the room.
"No Bella, nothing is more important to me then you. If you have something tonight I am available first thing in the morning. Would you be willing to have breakfast with me?" I am sure he could see the surprise on my face. "I know you wouldn't be comfortable with me coming to the manor and I would like to do this with some privacy if possible. Are you willing to meet me for breakfast in my suite? Or the restaurant if you prefer? I promise to be on my best behavior Bella." I was having a hard time processing the urgency since I hadn't talked to him in days. "You are my first priority Bella. I know my actions have not shown that but it is true. Please let me prove that to you."
"Ok" I told him. "I'll meet you in the restaurant for breakfast at 9." He put his hands on my shoulders but didn't pull me in for a hug when I stiffened.
"Thank you Bella. I won't screw this up, you won't regret giving me this chance." Edward said as he turned to leave the room.
"I hope not." I whispered as the door closed behind him.
EPOV
As I left the Swan Offices I wasn't happy with the way things went but I also knew it was the best I could expect. Bella had agreed to see me for breakfast, it was in the restaurant but it was a start. She had opened up to me after Scotland, trusted me. That would not be easy to gain back and how would she react when I confessed all my insecurities. I knew they were my insecurities, Bella never in any way fostered them and it bothered me that I hadn't been able to put them to rest until I had some validation. It made me wonder if I was possible of having blind faith in anyone. I was trying to and I knew if I could have it in anyone it would be Bella. I was going to be honest and open and lay everything on the table with her. My hope was when I was done, she would take me flaws and all and give me time to become the man she deserves. I spent the night in my hotel room thinking about what I wanted to say to Bella and how best to say it. My mind kept wondering back to the family dinner before I left Seattle.
I had spoken to Emmett and Jasper before dinner letting them know about my decision to move my office to Chicago. We worked out the logistics until each of us was sure that it would work. I know they left the study thinking it would be a temporary move. After the door closed behind them is when my father questioned me.
"You aren't going to tell them this could be a permanent move?" He asked.
"No. It will be easier to set things up and then if it becomes permanent, so be it. You, however, need to know that I am more than willing to make this permanent for Bella. I am not expecting to move back to Seattle."
"How do you feel about this Edward, honestly?" I could tell whatever I said wouldn't ever go any farther than him.
"Honestly?" I said as he nodded his head. "I will miss the family but little else. I know it is what is best if I ever hope to get Bella back. It would definitely be best for our relationship and I think in the long run it will also prove to be good for me. I need to get away from the bullshit that is Seattle society." He actually laughed at me before saying he understood.
I wish the rest of dinner had gone that well. My mother and Alice said they understood my reasons for temporarily relocating to Chicago so Bella and I could work things out. They were coming to terms with what happened and remembering why they liked Bella so much, until I refused to confirm the move was only temporary. The tone of dinner shifted to how I was a very eligible bachelor and quite a catch and she should see that and be willing to move for me or at least split our time. I countered with how all of those things were also true of Bella in Chicago and it was easier for me to move my office than for her to move hers.
In the end it came down to my mother would rather have her children in Seattle and traditional thinking that Bella should support my career first. I explained that wasn't what I wanted. I loved the fact that Bella understood and enjoyed business, that she was just as, if not more successful then I was. Yes, on some level it was intimidating but I also found it was one of things that drew me to her. It was a hard pill for my mother to swallow but she did. We were doing this my way and that meant moving to Chicago.
I woke with a smile on my face and in a great mood. In every dream I had last night Bella and I had been able to work things out and life was good. I found myself clinging to those thoughts after I showered and sat down to read the paper while I waited to go down for breakfast. I didn't have to wait to see her, she was on the front page of the social section dancing with a man whose name I didn't want to know. When she said she had a 'thing' yesterday this is not what I was expecting. As I rode down in the elevator I gave myself a pep talk. I was here for Bella and I knew that it may not be easy in the beginning. I was not giving up and some picture on the society page wasn't going to change my determination.
I was surprised by some of the looks I received while I sat waiting for Bella to arrive. There was one table of older women that I could swear were looking at me in anger. I had been in Chicago with Bella before but we had never been out socially so I was floored with the reception she received when she entered the restaurant. She was stopped several times on her way to my table, everyone was pleasant and very polite to her and she looked very at ease. One of the older women called her over to their table and whispered something in Bella's ear as she glared at me. Bella laughed and I could have sworn I heard her tell the woman I wasn't as bad as I seemed. As I watched her I noticed she was the same Bella but more relaxed. Here she was accepted and appreciated for the wonderful person she was and it cemented in my mind that I had made the right choice by moving.
"Good morning Bella." I said as I rose and pulled her chair out for her. "Thank you for meeting me."
"You're welcome Edward. Thank you for inviting me." She said as she settled in. "Are you enjoying the Fairmont? It is a lovely hotel."
"Yes it is. I find it and Chicago very welcoming." I said as the waiter arrived to take our orders. I was looking at Bella just happy to have her with again when I notice her starting to get uncomfortable. I must have been looking at her for a while.
"Edward I am not sure why you are moving? I have thought about things..."
"You were thinking about things?" I interrupted her and she nodded. "Did you do this before or after you went dancing last night. I saw the picture in the paper this morning." I knew as soon as the words were out I was being an asshole. She laid her napkin in her lap and went to stand.
"This is what I mean Edward. I will not sit here while you talk to me like that. I have done nothing that deserves me being treated this way." I reached out and grabbed her hand.
"I'm sorry Bella. Please let me explain." She shook her head and stood to leave. "I'm jealous Bella and I have a lot of other issues but you're right you did nothing to deserve this. I love you Bella, above everything else I love you and I am hoping that will be enough for you to hear me out."
"Edward I have been open and honest with you. I do not have anything new to add, all I can say is that I love you but that obviously is not enough. I'm sorry." She turned to leave and I was out of my seat before she was three steps away from the table. Several tables were watching our exchange.
"I know Bella and I understand these are my issues. Please sit down and let me explain. I am trying, I really am." She turned and looked at me.
"Do you want to know about the man last night?" I shook my head.
"All I want to know is that I still have a chance. That he hasn't taken the best thing in my life from me." She laughed at me and stepped closer before whispering.
"Given that he is happily in a relationship and very openly gay I would say no, there is only friendship between us. Really Edward it has been a week, do you think so little of me?" She didn't look at me and I could hear the hurt in her voice.
"No, I adore you. I also know I royally fucked things up though." I went and stood behind her chair, hoping she would still be willing to talk to me. She looked at me like I was crazy so I jiggled her chair.
"Please?" I whined. She laughed but came back and sat down. "Thank you Bella." As soon as we were seated again the waiter arrived with breakfast. We ate in uncomfortable silence for ten minutes until I decided to start what I was pretty confident would be the hardest conversation of my life.
"Bella this is very hard for me." I said as I looked at her. "It doesn't paint me in a very good light but I am hoping the fact that I am truly trying and being 100% percent honest will work in my favor."
"That is all I have asked of you Edward." She said quietly and I reached out for her hand on the table.
"I know Bella. I never really thought about your time with Edgar. Yes I knew the basics and I knew on some level it bothered me that you were his before you were mine but I can't say I dwelled on your time together. Until New York."
"I know that is when all of this began Edward. What I don't..." I cut her off and squeezed her hand at the same time.
"Please just let me get through this Bella." I said. "When you told me about the list and my name on it at first I was elated, but it didn't take long for the insecurities to set in. I couldn't, for the life of me, understand why he would pick me. I didn't know much about him outside of business and I began to think he picked me because he felt I was inferior to him, that I wouldn't be able to make you as happy as he did."
"Edward, that isn't the..." I nodded my head at her.
"I know Bella but I just couldn't see why he would pick someone that would make you happier than he had and it was at that point that I started to push you away. Then you said he had followed my career and I...I don't know Bella I just couldn't shut my brain down. Once I had it in my mind I couldn't get rid of it. I was convinced you were only with me out of some misguided sense of duty to him and he picked me because I wasn't as good as him for you. It was a vicious cycle that I couldn't find my way out of."
"Do you still feel that way Edward?" She asked me.
"No, not really but..." I paused and she was waiting for me to continue. "I wish I could say I came to this realization on my own but I can't. I read your e-mails and to find out you were the woman at the ball gave me the hope I needed to search deeper. I don't think you realize how much that night affected me. That woman was the standard I used to measure anyone I dated against for years, they were all lacking." I squeezed her hand and she smiled at me. "I also talked to Carlisle and he relayed a conversation he had with Edgar while you lived in Seattle. Mary also gave me the letter from Edgar. It explained his reasoning for doing things the way he has."
"So all of this was needed for you to come to terms with the situation?" She asked softly. "I don't know what to say Edward. I had no idea you had these kinds of doubts about us."
"I don't have doubts about us Bella. The doubts were all about me, about how I felt unworthy. I have never doubted our love for each other." I stressed to her.
"But you doubted..." I stopped her again.
"There is more Bella." I said and I closed my eyes. "After this next bit it will all be out and then we can talk, after you know everything." She nodded for me to continue. "I expected, once I somewhat came to terms with the Edgar thing, for all the other stuff to just fall into place, but it didn't and I had no idea why. It was actually Emmett that made me realize something. I suppose the easiest way to put this is, I have no idea what you see in me Bella. The way I treated you when we met, the fact that I have admitted that I never would have given you a chance, the way you warned m e about different things and I ignored those warnings. I have no idea what I have to offer you Bella, I bring next to nothing to the table in this relationship."
"Are you saying I emasculate you?" She asked with a gasp.
"No, not intentionally but look at it logically Bella. You don't need me to take care of you and you have better business connections than I do, what do I possibly have to offer you?"
"You feel like less of a man because of our relationship? Because I don't need your money or the Cullen name? I have no idea what to say Edward. I didn't mean for you to feel this way and I am sorry you do because of me or something I have done. Given the circumstances of how you feel I can not imagine why you would choose to live in Chicago or even want to be close to me Edward."
"I love you Bella and I want to get passed all of my insecurities. I want a life with you Bella but I felt I needed to be honest with you before that could happen." This wasn't coming out the way I wanted. I was pushing her away from me I could feel it. "For years Bella, two decades really, women have been throwing themselves at me because I am a Cullen and rich."
"Well maybe you were looking in the wrong places and at the wrong kind of women." Bella said with anger.
"I agree that I made poor choices but after all that time I began to believe that was all I had to offer someone. I became angry, lonely and extremely bitter. Then you came into my life and we got close and you were so different from any other woman and I was drawn to that. One of the things I love most about you is that you don't need anything from me but it also leaves me wondering what I have to offer you." I finished on a whisper because I realized how selfish it sounded, like I wanted her to stroke my ego or play second fiddle to me.
"Your love and respect are all I ever wanted from you. If you were penniless I would treat you the same way. Are you sure this isn't being triggered by New York, by the fact that a woman was the driving force in rescuing you? I am not sorry I did it Edward. Even if it means the end of us, I love you and would do it all again. What do you bring to the table? For me you bring a safe harbor, a place where I don't have to be strong. A place where someone else will keep me safe so I can be free to just...be for a moment. A place where I can be a woman, not COB or Mrs. Sinclair or Isabella Swan, but just Bella a woman who is in love and loved in return. You bring life and love with you Edward and have helped me to really live again. You brought back the love, companionship and intimacy that I never thought I would share with someone again. You made me laugh with happiness and comforted me when I was sad. You bring to the table the things only the man I love can. The only thing I am sorry about is the fact that is obviously isn't enough for you Edward. Go back to Seattle Edward. Fall in love with and marry one of those women you say you hate but obviously need. I want an equal to share my life with. I won't be inferior and I don't want to be superior, I just want to be an equal. I love you Edward but I can't be what you need me to be."
I had no idea how to respond to what she had said, instead I watched as she patted my hand with tears in her eyes and walked out of the restaurant. Could this conversation have gone any worse? I didn't think so. I knew it would be hard and make me out to be an ass but things went much more poorly than I ever expected. As I rode the elevator back up to my suite parts of the conversation kept running through my mind. Did I think she emasculated me? No I didn't. I loved the feeling I got when we were out and everyone could see she was with me, that I was the man she loved and had chosen. In business she never made me feel less of a man, she even recused herself so it wouldn't look as if we had only gotten the contract because of my association with her. I loved holding her, in front of the fire or sleeping, the way she curled into me as if I was the one who kept her safe...her harbor.
As I entered the suite I went to the windows and looked out over Chicago. I was not going back to Seattle and I was not letting Bella go. I loved her and the man I was with her, I wanted her as my wife and I wanted children with her. I was going to get her back but I had no idea how to go about doing it. I had been honest and explained things, even though I obviously didn't do a good job of it. I think this is when the groveling begins. I was going to need help with this part and I knew just the person to help me. I had seen him grovel many times and his marriage was going strong even though I was sure his wife had total control over him, someone had to. I pulled out my phone and dialed, hoping he would be able to meet me now. I knew Bella needed some time to absorb everything that was said at breakfast but I didn't want to wait too long before I reached out to her. I was brought out of my thoughts when he answered the phone.
"Hey, I was hoping we could meet and you could explain to me exactly what goes into groveling." I waited while he got his laughter under control. "Shut up and just come up to my suite. Thanks for doing this Emmett." Ten minutes later I was recounting the breakfast I had with Bella and he agreed it could have gone better but at least I told her everything I needed to and I was staying in Chicago to fight for her. He spent over an hour explaining the intricacies of groveling to me. How to be sincere in my apologies and not get depressed when I was rejected because he was certain I would be rejected the first several times. How to send flowers and notes to show her I was working through my issues and to please not give up on me. How to do the little things that would remind her of our time together and the things that were important to us, to let her know I see her clearly and want her above all others. Most importantly he explained that when she started to come around not to push for too much too fast.
"She was very open and honest with you from the go Edward and she was blind sided with this from you. When she starts to let you in again she will expect you to try to pick up where you left off and that won't be possible. You need to be prepared to start from the beginning. If you truly want her forever, start at the beginning and earn her trust back. Groveling will open the door for you Edward, then the real work begins." I wondered if he was trying to scare me but decided that I would do whatever it took to get Bella back and I was going to start with a trip to the florist.
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