I know I was probably supposed to post this chapter yesterday, so whoops. Forgive me. I decided I'm going to start putting the day and time on each chapter so the timing won't be so confusing. Wednesday night is going to be Paintball Night :) Next chapter.
Enjoy!
Chapter 34
Wednesday 1:00 a.m. (3 days till Visiting Day)
Tris POV
I lead Tobias out of the apartment, but somewhere along the way he ends up leading me. Where are we going? Is he still drunk?
"Four," I say incase there are people around. He doesn't stop dragging me. "Tobias," I whisper so only he can hear. He continues a couple more steps before stopping and looking around. I look around and realize we are in front of the fear landscape room.
"We're going through your fear landscape," he says. Wait, we? He wants to go inside my head. I know he let me go into his, but… no there is no 'but'. Why do I feel so self conscious all of a sudden? Maybe because it's been almost a year since I went through.
We step inside the room. "I want to go in alone first," I tell him. "Things could have changed and-"
"Tris, you don't have to justify yourself," he says.
"Why do you want me to go through it?" I ask. I mean, I'm curious too but why now? I may not be drunk, but I'm not completely sober either. I had only one beer and regretted trying to act more 'adult'. I ended up draining out the taste with coke.
"I lied to you," he says. What could he have lied to me about? "Well, no… I didn't lie, I just… didn't tell you the whole truth about what happened at Erudite."
When I don't speak he talks again. "You're brother was the one with the hitlist."
"What?" I manage to get out. My brother wouldn't kill people. My Abnegation raised brother wouldn't want people dead. Mom dead.
"There's more…" He trails off. I look at the camera in the corner of the room. "Don't worry, nobody monitors this room until the simulation stage."
"What do you mean there's more?" I ask.
"You were on the list," He says. I can't stop myself from letting my jaw drop.
"You must have read it wrong," I say.
"Tris…" Tobias sooths. He places a hand on my shoulder, but I smack it off.
"No, Caleb wouldn't do that!" I shout.
"I think it has to do with…" He lets his voice trail off. I know he means divergents.
"That's why you took the job," I say. He took the job to protect me.
"That's why you need to practice," he states. "If you don't want me to watch I can go."
I nod my head. "I'll meet you back home," I tell him. Tobias turns for the door, but I grab his hand gently. "Hey," I whisper. I kiss Tobias on the lips. I need his courage.
"I'd do anything to protect you," he says against my lips. "I love you."
"I love you more," I say as he turns.
I take the syringe and press it into my neck. I flinch at first, but the sting subsides quickly.
I sit up in a field. This is new. As I look around I take in the view. It's beautiful. You'd think this was a dream instead of a fear. But the blue sky soon turns green and the beautiful tall grass starts to blow in the wind. There's a storm coming.
I look up, but there's clouds. Shade covers me fast as I hear squawking. A murder of crows come flying from every direction. Left, right, everywhere. I scream as they puncture their claws into my skin. Gun. I need a gun, but I can't manipulate the sim.
I lay on the ground letting my body be absorbed by the soft grass. I still feel the claws, but I ignore the pain. I try to think of something that made me feel safe. Tobias. I still remember the first time we kissed. It was at the chasm. The water being pushed up against the rocks was like a gentle rainfall. Now that I think of it, my top may have been see through. I laugh a little and realize the birds are gone.
Instead, I'm falling. I'm not afraid of heights. Then my body hits the water. I'm being held there. I try to come up for air but I can't seem to know which way is up. My head goes above the water and I take my chance to grab the rocks which my body slams against. I pull myself up and watch the water hit the wall.
Then my feet are wet again. I stand up and step forward in a dark room. My body slams into glass. The water at my feet begins to rise and I start to panic as I feel the glass roof. I can break it, but that would be an act of divergence. What if I convince myself I can? It's plastic. No, ice!
I kick the ice, but I'm slowed down by the water. I punch the wall and wince at the impact. I feel crazy as I punch and kick the the wall, until in one swift motion, I'm carried out by the water.
I can't move anymore. My hands and feet are tied up to a pole behind me. I look to see Peter with a torch. He gives me a smile before throwing the torch on the ground in front of me. All around me goes up in flames. They make their way towards me and I feel a bead of sweat roll down my forehead. The flames tickle the balls of my feet.
I lean back to the ground and the flames burn my hands. That's not the point though. The point is that it's burning through the rope.
I free my hands and feet as all of the flames get blown out and I'm taken by force again. I feel Peter's breathe against my neck as he takes my arm. The smell of lemongrass whiffs over me and I know it's Al holding my other arm. They're taking me somewhere, but I can't see. I stop fighting and let my body go limp, falling away from their grasp.
As I turn my body around they're nowhere to be seen. Instead, I stand in front of Tobias. I'm not afraid of Tobias. I look behind him, but we're just in our apartment. Simulation Tobias kisses my neck. I can't help but give in. Then I realize what this fear is.
Simulation Tobias pushes off my jacket and starts fumbling with the hem of my shirt. I look simulation Tobias in the eyes and say, "I am not going to sleep with you in a simulation."
As the fear fades I laugh to myself. I'm probably the only person in Dauntless with this fear.
I already know what this last fear will be.
I stand in front of my family. I do to pick up the gun to my right, but there's a forcefield. What? I can't reach it. Then I see what's happening. Caleb reaches for the gun.
"Caleb, don't!" I call. He looks at me and gives me a pathetic smile. "You don't want to do this!" I try again.
"That's the thing, Beatrice," he scolds. He aims the gun at my mother's head. "I do." The gun goes off and I sink to my knees.
I jolt up right in the chair. I rock myself back and forth trying to sooth myself. The door swings open and Tobias wraps his arms around me.
"I thought you went home?" I ask into his shoulder.
"And let you face your fears alone?" He says. "I told you this before, but I'll never leave you."
Then I'm reminded of my fears. To be more accurate, my stupid fear of intimacy. I push Tobias away from me by instinct.
"Are you okay?" He asks. I can't bring myself to make eye contact. I nod my head. He offers me his hand to help me off the chair but I jump down myself.
"Hey," he says. "Are you okay?"
"I'm f-" I start but Tobias cuts me off.
"Don't tell me you're fine." He interjects.
"Let's just go home," I say. When I open up the door I run into Realm. "What are you doing out of bed, initiate." I fire.
"I… uh," he stutters. He looks around and shakes his head a little bit. I walk swiftly around the corner and see Dean leaning against the wall. He seem startled to see me.
"I was just…" He says running his hands through his hair. "We were just…"
"Spit it out, initiate," I growl.
"We just wanted to be…" He looks around once again. "Alone."
Realm POV
The party went by as a blurr. I probably shouldn't have had so much alcohol for my first time drinking. I don't know what I'm saying or doing, but I follow Sloane and the others down to what I think is the pit.
"Why is Dean so fucking hot!?" I ask Sloane. Sloane says something that I can't understand and I see Dean turn around. Oh, shit! Did he hear me? Play it cool, Realm. I give Dean a wink, but I think I end up blinking both eyes, so I laugh.
We stand by a table and I catch Dean staring at me. "Like what you see?" I ask him, but he laughs and I feel like I just got stabbed in the chest. There's a loud bang and a bunch of laughter and I see Four and Six along with the Dauntless-born trainers and Lynn, I don't recognize the other people.
Six's hair is cut short. Can't say I'm a fan. It makes her look more threatening. Killed her whole 'Hello Kitty' vibe she had going. Now it looks like she would snap my neck in two.
Lynn strides other to us and next thing I know, Lynn's mouth collides with Sloanes. I give a loud whistle that hurts my ears. "Hot," I hear Marlon say. Chloee elbows Marlon in the ribs and he winces. I wonder how their fights are going.
As we pat Sloane on the back I skim my hand over Dean's. Just to see how he'll react. He flinches at first but then he intertwines our hands. I was not expecting that.
"Meet me outside the dorms in half an hour," Dean whispers so quietly that I think I may have imagined it.
So here I am outside the dorms, while my friends all sleep. Finally I see him. I smile and run after him until he turns a corner and I lose sight of him. I slow down to see where he went, when I bump into a small figure.
"I… uh," I stutter, trying to form words in my brain. Any excuse would work at this point. I see Dean peek his head out from around the corner and I shake my head to tell him to leave. Six must have picked up on my subtle head shake because she walks around the corner.
Four walks out of the room and I think we both are shocked to see each other. "Where's Six?" He commands. I nod my head towards the corner. "Go back to the dorms. You're fighting tomorrow."
I take his advice and head back to the dorms walking slowly so Dean can catch up. "What happened back there?" I ask him.
"She just yelled at me then went off with Four," he says.
"Went off with Four?" I ask more myself than Dean.
"Wanna follow them?" He asks. I don't know if it's because I'm still drunk, or just plain stupid… but I nod my head.
We walk slowly around the corner giggling like idiots. Correction, drunk idiots. As we finally get them into view I'm shocked when I see Six enter Four's apartment, or Four enter Six's apartment.
Dean and I both look at each other and can't help but laugh.
"No way!" I laugh a little too loud. Dean shushes me while laughing himself. Until he closes the space between us and I feel his lips brush against mine. I grip his shirt at the waist ant intensify the kiss while he runs his hands through my hair.
I'm still laughing until we hear a click of the door. I grab Dean's hand and book it still crying with laughter.
Tobias POV
We step into the apartment and I feel as if Tris is keeping her distance. Something is definitely wrong. I wish she would just talk to me. I close the door behind me and Tris stands in front of me trying to say something, but nothing is coming out. "I… and…" She mumbles. She's looking at her feet and fiddling with her hands.
"Tris," I say trying to get her attention, but she is still trying to form words. "Tris…" I say again, this time placing a hand under her chin so she will look up at me.
"You were in my landscape again," she says in a small voice.
"I told you, I'll-"
"-Never leave me. I know." She says like she's angry. Not at me but at herself. Tris throws her hands in the air and turns around, running her fingers through her short blond hair. "Stupid brain… stupid fear…" I hear her mumble under her breath.
I hear laughing from outside and I quickly open the door and hear shushing. Probably some drunks trying to get home. I close the door and turn back to Tris, trying to calm her down.
"Tris tell me what's wrong," I sooth. I run my hand down her arm and she flinches back. "Tris, talk to me… please."
"I can't," she says sitting down on the edge of the bed and shoving the palms of her hands into her eyes. I sit down next to her and hesitantly place my hand on the small of her back. To my relief she lets me. "It's embarrassing… so, so embarrassing."
"Tris, it's just me here." I tell her.
"That's the point," she says. "It's just you here and I want you here, but…"
"But what?" I ask pulling her closer and kissing her on the forehead.
"But, That." She says. "I melt into you and now I fear it."
"What?" I'm more confused than ever. She's afraid to be near me? But she wants to be near me… God i'm confused.
"I'm afraid to be with you?" She says.
"Do you want me to leave?" I ask, suddenly putting more space between us.
"No," she says. Tris slides closer to me again and laces her fingers with mine. I draw shapes with my thumb on the back of her hand to calm both myself and her. "God, this is embarrassing," she breathes out.
I laugh a little. "Don't laugh at me." She says shoving me playfully. I see a smile form on her face. "It's just Shauna, Zeke, a baby…" Wait does she want kids? "It's just all getting to me."
"Just tell me your fear," I say. I kiss her hand to show her reasurrence.
"I told you," she says. "I'm afraid to be with you."
"You know, repeating it doesn't make me feel any better."
"You're really going to make me explain…"
"I can't read your mind," I say wishing I could. It seems like Tris is able to read my mind half the time.
"I'm afraid to be with you in that way." Ohh, I get it.
"You're afraid of sex?" I ask. Tris nods her head, placing her head in her hands again. "That's why you're afraid of me."
"Please don't laugh," she says. "Tobias?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry. Are you mad at me?" She says, still not looking at me. I can't believe she just asked me that. I place my hand on her cheek turning her head to face me. She places her hand on mine keeping it to her. She's keeping her eyes closed which makes me mad because I love looking unto her eyes.
"Tris, don't apologize for something you can't control."
"I'm sorry- I mean…" She looks up at me and laughs a little, biting her lip. She so cute when she does that. She leans her head on my shoulder and closes her eyes again. Ugh! I place my lips of her forehead as if by instinct. It's just so natural to me. I allow myself to close my eyes and lean into Tris. "Tobias?"
"Mmm?"
"Are you afraid of me too?" She asks.
"Terrified," I laugh.
I keep my eyes closed as we fall back on the bed and Tris puts her head on my shoulder. I'm almost asleep when Tris speaks to me again. "When I'm ready… we can… we can-" But I cut her off with my lips.
"When you're ready," I say.